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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding one child from birthday party bags

334 replies

seaclaidte · 08/03/2021 00:00

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

OP posts:
Remaker · 08/03/2021 06:56

No you can’t do that. Either one for everyone or no party bags at all. I’d be surprised if you were even allowed to give them out due to Covid.

When my DD was in year 1 she had a party and invited fewer than half of the girls from her class. One mum took such offence at her daughter not being invited she had a party for her daughter and invited every single child in the class apart from my daughter. DD wasn’t the slightest bit bothered and said we never play together mum, that’s why I didn’t invite her to my party. But honestly such vindictive behaviour from an adult surprised me..

Nith · 08/03/2021 06:57

I don't understand why you say on the one hand that the child is targeting your son and physically attacking him, but on the other hand that he isn't bullying him. But if your son is being physically attacked, you need to tell the school every time, and you need to get hold of the school's complaint policy and make a formal complaint. Also get hold of their equality and bullying policies and ask what exactly they are doing to implement those policies in relation to this child.

But forget the party bag thing. If the teacher has any sense she will double check and won't give them out if she can see that someone has been left out.

hiredandsqueak · 08/03/2021 06:57

The school won't allow one child to be excluded if you intend to have the party bags handed out in class. It's a nasty thing to do. If you don't want the child to have a party bag then don't send them into school.

FishWithoutABike · 08/03/2021 06:58

Definitely don’t exclude one child from the gifts.
However, I’d email the head and ask what they are doing to protect your son and others. Also ask what specialist help this poor child is getting. I have a ten year old and she doesn’t know a single racial slur or homophobic insult. He’s getting it from home. I feel sorry for him, he’s only ten.

Somethingkindaoooo · 08/03/2021 06:59

@faithfulbird20

I wouldn't exclude him but give it to him and hopefully it makes him feel ashamed.
Yes, because shame is a helpful emotion in the young
MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 07:01

No you can't exclude him. That could be seen as bullying. I would send your concerns in writing to the Head.

mummywantstobeslim · 08/03/2021 07:03

I wouldn't give a party bag to this child. It might sound mean but it's just the principle.
Why reward somebody who has harmed my child?

PyjamaFan · 08/03/2021 07:06

From another perspective, giving out party bags is an absolute pain and just one extra thing to have to remember to do at hometime.

Many schools are not doing this at the moment due to covid. Have you checked it's permitted?

KihoBebiluPute · 08/03/2021 07:12

Well you know you can inform Ofsted directly if they are being ineffective in dealing with racism, homophobia and bullying. Don't let it go.

Don't send anything into school for celebrating the birthday that you aren't happy to be given to the whole class. Every class in the country contains a range of nicer kids and horrible kids. There is no such thing as a class where every single kid is kind and unselfish and would never say a mean thing to someone else. Those of us who don't know who the mean kid in their DC's class are either lucky that our DC don't happen to have been selected as the target, or if not that then maybe our own kid could be the awful one. The awful behaviour of this child shouldn't be ignored and I wish you good luck in pushing the school to take action but it is totally inappropriate to link that to anything to do with your child's birthday.

KaptainKaveman · 08/03/2021 07:12

YABU. Don't be surprised if the excluded kid's mother complains about you, OP.

LittleOwl153 · 08/03/2021 07:14

Next time you have an issue of poor treatment towards your kid, make sure you put it in writing to the school so that it has to be addressed formally and cannot be ignored.

Sceptre86 · 08/03/2021 07:15

I would want to do the exact same if someone said that to my dd or ds but I probably wouldn't. I would ho apeshit at the school though.

BigPaperBag · 08/03/2021 07:15

If he’s coming to the party he gets a bag. Personally I wouldn’t invite him to the party so problem solved. I mean, I wouldn’t invite someone to my son’s party who had called him a racial slur.

MRex · 08/03/2021 07:16

Send in sweets for everyone, a nicer toy for a few of DS's mates given to the parents. It avoids singling out the other boy and escalating issues.

Jenasaurus · 08/03/2021 07:18

@CoffeeRunner

No you can’t. To single him out is not going to help.

The racist language I would guess the child has learnt at home. I’m assuming the school have spoken to his parents?

And where did he learn to put his hands around someones throat? If that was also at home then this lad needs some help.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/03/2021 07:21

Our school parents do this sort of stuff for birthdays - giving out something to the class - but I never do as not organised enough. It’s one thing too many for me!

I think you have to give them to everyone, even though I understand your feelings.

WineInTheWillows · 08/03/2021 07:22

Either give the bags to friends only (and a tub of celebrations for the rest to share) or give a bag to everyone.

If doing the whole class, you could do a named bag system if you've got the time so his friends get a slightly nicer bag? Just ask the teacher to make sure they're given out last thing at the end of the day.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 08/03/2021 07:23

Of course you can't leave one child out, that is bullying by exclusion. How do you expect the teacher to hand out bags to all but one child?

You need to get the bullying against your son reported and dealt with, bullying back is not the way to deal with it.

KarmaNoMore · 08/03/2021 07:44

Which country are you in OP? I think the school will not welcome you sending anything for the kids at all.

And also, considering how long the kids have been out of school. Have you been holding a grudge on this for so many month?

You really are coming across as a nasty piece of work, and making your child a huge disservice giving the bully, if he is really one, a massive excuse to pester your kid for years to come.

peak2021 · 08/03/2021 07:47

I'd focus on the apparent lack of action on racism, the term used by the boy is one that almost everyone would consider racist. Head teacher first not anyone else less senior to indicate that the school must not brush this aside.

SunnySideUp2020 · 08/03/2021 07:50

The parents needs to be punished not the 9 yo.
Give him the party bag, but definitely raise the issue of what's been happening as the kid probably learns this language and behaviour at home...

notanothertakeaway · 08/03/2021 07:55

If you're not happy with teacher response, escalate to headteacher, Governors, local authority etc

IliveonCoffee · 08/03/2021 07:55

You can't leave a child out, besides you'll have to explicitly tell the teacher that you have left them out.

If you don't put names on, and give 29 instead of 30 (and the teacher guesstimates the amount), either a random child out of your control doesn't get one or you have to tell the teacher little Tommy isn't to have one, complete with the questions.

Or you put names on and they get handed out. Chances are the teacher will come to you at the end of the day, and say oh there wasn't one for Tommy (so I gave him Susie's who wasn't well), and you'll have to admit you deliberately left out a child or back track and be like oh it must of been left in the car and have to produce it tomorrow.

All or none, or a very small group of the class friends, which the teacher may say you have to give after school

MolyHolyGuacamole · 08/03/2021 07:55

@seaclaidte

At my children's school. The birthday child usually brings sweets or chocolates to school. Sometimes there are party bags instead, in which there are a couple of small sweets and a novelty party filler.

There is no party.

Apologies for the confusion.

No. And if I was the teacher and found that all children weren't included, I wouldn't give out any.
GladysTheGroovyMule · 08/03/2021 07:56

I wouldn’t single him out regarding the party bags and actually you might find yourself in hot water if you do.

However, your child being racially abused at school by another child is very very serious and isn’t just “kids being kids” that needs escalating to the head and beyond the head if it’s not dealt with. The teachers attitude is disgusting and hopefully isn’t reflective on the school as a whole but if it is I’d be wanting to move my kid.

I hope your son has a lovely birthday and you can get the racism issues and bullying dealt with in an effective way ASAP.