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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding one child from birthday party bags

334 replies

seaclaidte · 08/03/2021 00:00

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

OP posts:
safclass · 08/03/2021 00:59

Regardless of covid situation, as a teacher I would refuse to hand out anything if there wasnt one for each child.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 00:59

This made me laugh out loud 😂😂😂

slashlover · 08/03/2021 00:59

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

Your OP says This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a P.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 01:05

He’s 9. He’s most likely picked this language up from whatever adults he lives with. You do need to address the teacher/ head about it as he needs to understand it’s not acceptable. I don’t agree with excluding him from the party bags (can’t you just send in a multi pack of sweet bags or something?) as that’s just being spiteful towards a young child and won’t teach him anything other than to dislike himself more than he appears to already.

My kids school don’t allow sweets. If we want to send something in on birthdays, they’ve asked for a donation of a book which is really nice. The birthday child writes a message to the class in it and then they add it to the class reader box.

Hope your son is okay.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 01:06

Just read this 👀 I’m confused

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/03/2021 01:06

Firstly I'd be going up to the school and having a long conversation as to why they are allowing this bullying and racism to continue. However, no you can't just leave one child out. That itself is also bullying, op. Imagine regardless of what hed done if it were your little one.

namechange63524 · 08/03/2021 01:08

I don't think the school would allow party bags to exclude one child. I also think you need to press with the school the seriousness of the comments and incidents - they should not just be minimised and brushed off.

cabbageking · 08/03/2021 01:08

Racist incidents are recorded separately.
Have you reported them the school?
unless you follow it up and speak to the school you will only have one half of the information.
Pull out the school complaints policy and follow it.
Schools should be limiting what is being passed around from child to child or household to household. Party bags would not be appropriate due to Covid. Which solves anyone being left out.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 01:12

@seaclaidte

This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions. It isn't constant but the events have been severe enough for me to dislike him.

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

He never apologised either.
Just carries on as if it never happened.

You ‘dislike’ a child because his language is shocking? And wanted to exclude him from getting a party bag because of it? Your OP sounds quite different so I’m confused.
XelaM · 08/03/2021 01:19

How are you going to monitor that the teacher doesn't give that one child a party bag? If there is one party bag missing, your son is the one won't get one because he brought them in.

Original poster
seaclaidte · 08/03/2021 01:25

To clarify this child hasn't said anything directly RECENTLY.

I was going to write the names on the party bags.

OP posts:
BonnieDundee · 08/03/2021 01:27

Regardless of this child's behaviour you cannot exclude one child from something that is handed out in class

Peppafrig · 08/03/2021 01:28

Huh you actually need to ask. The school will not let you give sweets to everyone except one child . Geez how petty.

Bluenightowl · 08/03/2021 01:29

You can't exclude one child in the whole class. You know that already though or you wouldn't have asked here.

It IS worth taking action regarding the bullying. Ask for a formal meeting with the teacher and discuss what is happening. Your child should be safe and feel safe at school. The teacher has to ensure this is the case.

Ask for a copy of the school's policy on equality and bullying. If the teacher doesn't stop the other child's behaviour towards your child, take it higher and request a meeting with the school principal.

Peppafrig · 08/03/2021 01:32

Try it and see what happens when he hands them out to everyone except one he will be given all the party bags back to take home .

Lockdownbear · 08/03/2021 01:43

I think party bags are the biggest waste of plastic tat ever however kids do like them. But you cannot give every child except one a party bag, how to really reinforce his racist feelings.
Either give everyone or no one, and check with the school first they'll probably need to be quarantined between being taken to school and given out again.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 01:51

I’d say just leave the party bags out this year.

You can’t leave one child out and a teacher wouldn’t give them out and leave one child out either.

It’s starting to sound spiteful. You’re sounding a bit like you’re more concerned about not giving him a party bag than you are about the school not addressing his behaviour.

HoppingPavlova · 08/03/2021 02:00

I take it the teacher distributes the party bags? If so, there is no way the teacher will hand them out unless there is one for each child. If they count and come up short they would hold them all back - as they should.

Flowerlane · 08/03/2021 02:02

A teacher would never hand out party bags for children unless there was one for all children. Imagine how your child will feel when he has to bring them home again because you didn’t send one in for everyone. You are only going to upset your child by doing this.

Eteri · 08/03/2021 02:27

It wouldn't work anyway. If there was one short, your son would the one to go without.

Eteri · 08/03/2021 02:30

Also, it's rare that a class has 100%, so it's highly unlikely to work anyway because the teacher would just give him the bag of whoever was away that day.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2021 02:57

I'm also bewildered how you are still able to do shared party bags/ food in school.

I'm in Australia, NSW to be precise, and we're STILL not allowed to bring in shared food for birthdays, despite being pretty clear of COVID - if your school is allowing it and you're in the UK then I think that's dreadful!

As to your question, then I'd say you can't do it - apart from anything else, it will only increase his antipathy to your son.

But in all honesty, I just wouldn't do it AT ALL.

Lullaby88 · 08/03/2021 03:01

No id not leave one child out. Even though as a mother it may hurt you that this child has been bullying ur son. Id either not give it or give it to all. Id definately speak to school about the kids behaviour its unacceptable thyv brushed it off. Dont let them brush it off please? Address it again and again until they step in.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 03:02

Good point. My kids’ school doesn’t allow it at all but they’re not even allowed to bring in school bags at the minute because of covid so I imagine party bags aren’t allowed either.

Jamboree01 · 08/03/2021 03:06

When I look at the title of this thread and then the original post now, it makes me wonder. Doesn’t make sense to me.

If another treated my child like that, my last concern would be party bags tbh. But then op’s second or third post was contradictory so it sounds like op has an issue with the child... or maybe the parent.