Excluding one child from birthday party bags

[seaclaidte]

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

Yes YWBU to do that.

YANBU to want to exclude him.

YABU to actually exclude him.

You can't really act spitefully and vengefully to a child who's still learning how to behave.

I would, though, talk the party bags issue through with your DS and agree with him on how appalling that behaviour was and how he does not deserve it, and why you still can't exclude one child even though he's behaved abominably.

Our school also allows you to bring in party bags on a birthday. They allow cupcakes too, but no whole cakes that would need cutting up.

You can't give something out to all but one child, and I think you know it. Many teachers would refuse to do that and quite rightly.

The racism needs to be dealt with by the school.

Surely there’s “learning how to behave” and then there’s being as hateful as to use racial slurs and trying to strangle someone??? Nine is old enough to know that that’s bad. And a great way to learn the consequences of your actions is to be deprived of something as harmless as a party bag from the kid in your class that you have behaved so hatefully toward.

@theblackparade

Surely there’s “learning how to behave” and then there’s being as hateful as to use racial slurs and trying to strangle someone??? Nine is old enough to know that that’s bad. And a great way to learn the consequences of your actions is to be deprived of something as harmless as a party bag from the kid in your class that you have behaved so hatefully toward.

If you look at the OP posts after the first one- it doesn’t seem to be the case.

It’s not a great way to help a child learn than their behaviour is wrong. It’s humiliating and vindictive. It’s up to the school to address the behaviour (if there was any such behaviour which I’m starting to doubt now after having read through all of the posts).

@SleepingStandingUp

No then, I don't think it's right to exclude one and may escalate the bullying. What's in the bags? Are they really necessary?

THIS.

Don't give bags out at all.

OR...If you do, it has to be all or none.

Ha! No child should be singled out? If someone said that to my son I'd single the little shit out with glee and not be at all bothered if it really upset him. Maybe he will learn something from it because he's clearly not being parented properly or taught anything by his teacher.

Saying that, I also don't think you should be handing out class party bags at school and am shocked it's allowed.

I wouldn't be worrying about the party bags - I would be trying to find out why your son being bullied and called a "paki" has not been dealt with by the school.

Forget the party bags. It's disruptive to the actual learning that is supposed to be happening. Buy something useful for the classroom.

The child may be abused at home and acts out at school.

I'd spend more time on getting the bullying stopped than on silly party bags to make yourself look good.

@seaclaidte

This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions. It isn't constant but the events have been severe enough for me to dislike him.

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

He never apologised either.
Just carries on as if it never happened.

Firstly - you need to be clear if the child is bullying your child or is just a badly behaved child. They need different responses.

Secondly - don't do the party bags, just send sweets. Then this issue disappears.

But if you do do party bags, it must be all the children, or you are a) an adult bullying a child and b) making this situation worse for your own child.

Any child using racist terms and swearing at nine is having a miserable time. As an adult, you need to model adult responses.

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

Ha! No child should be singled out? If someone said that to my son I'd single the little shit out with glee and not be at all bothered if it really upset him. Maybe he will learn something from it because he's clearly not being parented properly or taught anything by his teacher.

If the child is being badly treated this is just cruel. He is nine.

Any adult who would 'not be at all bothered' about a primary-aged child being upset has got issues that need addressing.

Party bags = bags given out at parties

What is this party bags at school business?

Just opt out of party bags altogether, you can't just exclude one child from something at school like that.

Also showing grace & kindness will do more to help this kid see his parent's racist views are wrong.

No doubt he has heard his parents using these slurs

The party bag is then a symbol of love over the hate of racism.

Don't do party bags but take sweets in if your son wants to take something in. The bigger question should be why is your son still at a school if they do nothing about bullying?

No you can’t do this

No matter how much of a bully this kid is, you’re an adult and this is worse.

Like a PP said, it is likely to escalate the bullying as it would be embarrassing for the boy to be the only one not getting a party bag.

Can you imagine it?

“One for Olivia”
“One for Toby”
“One for Jacob”
“No, you can’t have one Thomas. Zack’s mum said you wasn’t allowed”

I would do something more simple and for the whole class. Such as bag of 30 haribo mix bags for teacher to give out or prepacked prewrapped cakes. Covid permitting as these will be less hands on.
Unfortunately you can't leave the boy out, i can see why you are upset but remembere children aren't born racist. They learn it sadly either from parents or other family.

You're not unreasonable for not liking a kid like this but it would be wrong to give everybody in the class a little gift bag and not one child. So if it were me I would have to do everybody or nobody.

Just send a bag of sweets to hand out, so nothing individually named or allocated. (The boy will still get a sweet, unless your DS doesn't offer him one but it won't feel as if you're making a personal effort for him).

Or just don't write names on them! (Why would you do that? Have you personalised the contents?!).

A decent teacher (who's had a chance to notice) won't collude in your ostracising this child anyway.

I'm an allergy parent. Don't give bags and all, it's a huge headache for everyone involved.

Forget the party bags this year. To the pp who said move schools why the hell should they have to move schools because of this child's bullying ??? I can't believe a school will brush this under the carpet that's horrific . Step up to the local authority but if it's a private school I'm not sure...

What do you know of his parents? I have a 9 year old boy and none of the boys I know of would know or use language like this. That boy has learnt this at home without a doubt, which would make me question what kind of parents and home life he has, and that would probably be enough to make me reconsider leaving one child out. Children are a product of their environment and until they get a bit older, or have better influences, they will repeat what they've heard and model behaviour they've seen.

On a separate note, I am surprised you have not been making more of a fuss about how your own child is being treated. I really would focus my energies on this and raise every incident, because your child should not be subjected to this. Ideally, the school would also use this as a learning experience for the other child to teach him appropriate language and behaviour, as he is clearly not getting from home.

Look at it slightly differently.
The child's behaviour isn't because he's a bad person , it's learnt from how he's being parented.
He may have quite a difficult home life and is exposed to bad language , racism etc.
Why expose him to more nastiness?
Why not show him kindness ?
Show him another way of being.
Or
Be like his parents and demonstrate being cruel.
Your choice.

Leaving out the one child would definitely be bullying.

I think you have two choices:
-no party bags at all
-a few party bags for a handful of your son's closest friends, delivered to their homes (preferably on a Friday afternoon or weekend so they don't rush in to school telling everyone)

Are you here asking if it’s ok to give every child in the class a treat except the one you don’t like?
If so, then no...it’s not ok and you ought to grow up.