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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding one child from birthday party bags

334 replies

seaclaidte · 08/03/2021 00:00

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 09/03/2021 11:50

Here's another perspective - I used to bully a child in school when I was around 9 or 10 years old. I am ashamed of the behaviour but contrary to what some people believe didn't grow up to be a bully. The parents complained to the school and it dealt with old style - they certainly didn't beat about the bush. Anyway I was invited to the girls party soon after the incident. What stands out is how kind her Mum was to me during the party. I felt even more ashamed and rightfully so. Its not an excuse but I had a rough childhood and the kindness she showed really resonated. My own family wouldn't have responded like that.

DuchessHastings · 09/03/2021 11:53

@LalalalalalaLand123

No OP you mustn't do that. That is being spiteful and vindictive to a child, a child who clearly has issues.
Pretty sure the child racist shouldn't be rewarded for his behaviour.
TheBuffster · 09/03/2021 12:01

If the bullying is historical rather than current, you can't really do anything about it now to address it. However, if you are unhappy with the way the school dealt with it you could ask a teacher representative to bring it up at a governors meeting.
Any further bullying you need to follow the appropriate channels quickly to ensure it is dealt with appropriately. Especially if physical violence is involved.
As a teacher just FYI, I hate party bags, cakes etc. Because the kids that can't afford them get disgruntled comments from the others on their birthday. Not ideal. I'm very much in the minority in this as my colleagues think it's just a bit of fun.

GrolliffetheDragon · 09/03/2021 12:26

@tigertubbie

I think what most of us realize as adults, looking back on the bullies who made our lives hell growing up, is that these kids weren't just bullies for the sake of it. Or at least I hope we all grow up with enough insight to see that. Kids bully because they are either insecure, angry, afraid, lacking consistency or boundaries in their lives, searching for an outlet to balance out something horrible that is happening to them.

By no means is bullying okay and it should be stopped. But embarrassing and singling out a child like that is not going to make any of the above better for that kid - it's going to make them worse, and fuel their "need" to bully.

If the school doesn't have proper anti bullying policies in place then tackle it with the school, not the child.

I see your point, and yes, that's often true, but I was bullied by so many of my peers, they can't all have had a difficult home life or whatever. Pretty much my whole year excluded me, random people from other years would verbally abuse me. Talking to the teachers exacerbated the problem so much I just learnt to keep my mouth shut and put up with it. This was secondary school, but I was bullied in primary as well.
AIMD · 09/03/2021 13:15

“ You and plenty of others have minimised that and focused on the racist child not being made to feel bad.”

To be fair the ops post was about if she was unreasonable to exclude the child at school from the party bags, not on what she should do about the racism and bullying. Had she explained the situation and asked for thoughts on the racism the responses most likely would have addressed the racism.

It’s not an either or situation. People can think the racism is horrendous and needs to be addressed while also thinking that excluding one child from party bags is not helpful for anyone. However many probably focused on the party bag because that was the question the op themselves posed.

80sMum · 09/03/2021 15:19

@mainsfed I've read all the OP's posts and still don't understand why they need to dole out party bags. It's unnecessary.

Original poster
seaclaidte · 09/03/2021 16:03

[quote 80sMum]@mainsfed I've read all the OP's posts and still don't understand why they need to dole out party bags. It's unnecessary.[/quote]
The purpose of any type of bag is to enable the person making use of it to carry multiple items whilst one hand remains free.

OP posts:
Original poster
seaclaidte · 09/03/2021 16:08

If I were hand out multiple treats without the party bags, then the bits of plastic tat would inevitablely be dropped on the way home.
That is terrible for the environment.

Also I decided not to give out the bags.

It is perfectly standard to do give bags or small chocolate eggs if it's an Easter birthday.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/03/2021 16:21

The purpose of any type of bag is to enable the person making use of it to carry multiple items whilst one hand remains free.

That is the purpose of a bag, not a "party bag" which is a thing on its own right. 🙄

JosieJarker · 09/03/2021 16:27

Its terrible for the environment to give out plastic tat at all, if it doesn't get dropped on the street it will be in the bin the same week.
No need, just send 30 treatsize mars bars and be done with it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2021 23:30

"Also I decided not to give out the bags."

Good choice, I think @seaclaidte :)

Emeraldshamrock · 10/03/2021 23:36

@seaclaidte Party bags aside. I hope the little bully in his class is dealt with properly if it happens in the future.
There is always next year for partying, I definitely would NOT invite my DC's bully to their party. Life lesson if you don't give respect don't expect it actions have consequences you'd be doing him a favour.

Jamboree01 · 10/03/2021 23:46

seaclaidte
This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions. It isn't constant but the events have been severe enough for me to dislike him.

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

He never apologised either.
Just carries on as if it never happened.

partyatthepalace · 10/03/2021 23:54

That’s not the way to deal with this is it? This is a serious issue and needs to be reported to the school, with some formal action taken to educate the kid and probably more vitally the parents.

Not giving him a party bag is pointless and just you as an adult bullying a 9 year old bully.

I’m sorry you child is having a rough time

timeisnotaline · 11/03/2021 00:02

I’d go back to the safeguarding officer and say you do want this taken up as it’s preying on your mind.and tell the school its the first they KNOW of, and that means it’s an opportunity to handle it well, and protect your child as they should be.
And give him a party bag. Sorry.

RedcurrantPuff · 11/03/2021 00:07

@BRB2021

Tempting and very understandable. But I couldn't do it despite wanting to
This
Jamboree01 · 11/03/2021 00:17

The OPs posts are confusing at best. This one is very carefully worded as it claims a lot about the other boy but one thing it doesn’t say is that the other boy was directly nasty to her child. Her child witnesses his shocking language.

All the people here quick to jump on a 9 year old child and deem him racist from vague posts by the op. And that post says clearly not bullying her child.

If he had been racist, had been bullying, any a duly in their right mind would have been more concerned about the school’s approach to it... not party bags.

There is more to this than meets the eye. I think OP was just hoping for everyone to say ‘leave the racist bully child out and give party bags to every other child in the class...’ it all smacks of a personal issue with the child or his family.

Jamboree01 · 11/03/2021 00:18

*any adult (not any a duly!)

ElephantBabies · 11/03/2021 00:26

@seaclaidte

To clarify this child hasn't said anything directly RECENTLY.

I was going to write the names on the party bags.

So the child won't even remember what he said and will feel like shit when he is excluded in front of everyone. No kid is born a bully... sounds like he needs some support as he's struggling with something going on in his own life and is therefore acting out on others.
Jamboree01 · 11/03/2021 00:57

And OPs own post, ‘This child isn’t bullying my son...’

Mamamamycorona · 11/03/2021 01:18

It's my kid's birthday and we sent a big cake to nursery, for the teachers to do with as they wished. Presumably all the children got some and the wonderful teachers got the rest.

In these times, where actual parties aren't a thing, I don't think it's kind to disallow someone from class cake/goodie bag, when all the others are having it

Original poster
seaclaidte · 11/03/2021 01:41

It's interesting how people speculate about me having some sort of vendetta against the boy or his parents.
I dont personally know either.

Which part of my posts are confusing.
Boy calls my ds a paki.
Boy chokes my ds.
Boy makes nasty remarks and comments towards ds directed towards his colour and creed.

Boy stops making nasty remarks however provides an education on profanities to my ds in the playground.

I don't like this child's behaviour and he hasn't shown any remorse for it.

If you also read my previous post, I decided against the bags altogether.

And to those that gloss over what this boy has done have probably never had to deal with the heartbreak of consoling a child who is attacked for being born a certain skin colour.

Remarks like these cut deep for the child and for the parents.

OP posts:
Jamboree01 · 11/03/2021 01:45

OP, this one stood out for me:

seaclaidte
This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions. It isn't constant but the events have been severe enough for me to dislike him.

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

He never apologised either.
Just carries on as if it never happened.

Original poster
seaclaidte · 11/03/2021 01:48

Which part do you find confusing ?

OP posts:
Jamboree01 · 11/03/2021 01:50

An adult doesn’t take ‘revenge’ on a child by excluding them from having a part bag (the school wouldn’t allow that anyway). An adult approaches the school and asks them to deal with it.

Your making a lot of presumptions there. I was beaten quite a few times by other children for being a different nationality and religion when I moved to this country.

Taking it upon yourself to exclude a child from something like that as an act of spite in front of other children would have cut that child deep too.

Why did you decide not to give out party bags?