Excluding one child from birthday party bags

[seaclaidte]

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

I wouldn't let the teacher get away with brushing it off, next time.

As for the party bags, I'd be surprised if you're allowed to exclude one child in the class. Even back when I was in school, if something was distributed during school hours, you gave things to everyone or no-one.

The way around this would be to hand out the bags before or after school, preferably not even on school grounds.

*alienating

I know it's unkind.

It's so frustrating that my child comes home and asks me things like what (insert swear word) means or asks what certain homophobic terms mean.

And he has been physically aggressive towards my DS on more than one occasion.

The school like to bury things like this as its will affect their perfect ofsted score. They don't ever inform me. I usually hear it from DS.

The first ever encounter regarding racism in the school apparently happened when I reported it to them.

No, don't exclude the one child.

Do raise each and every racist or homophobic incident with the headteacher. Keep a log. Email if you can. If no improvement or action is apparent, read and follow the school's complaints procedure.

Your child deserves to be safe from abuse. The other child deserves to learn the consequences of racism and how to make better choices.

You need to be much firmer with the reporting of the bullying issues - escalate as far as possible.

No I wouldn’t exclude the child in the situation you’ve outlined - whole class or none.

@seaclaidte

I know it's unkind.

It's so frustrating that my child comes home and asks me things like what (insert swear word) means or asks what certain homophobic terms mean.

And he has been physically aggressive towards my DS on more than one occasion.

The school like to bury things like this as its will affect their perfect ofsted score. They don't ever inform me. I usually hear it from DS.

The first ever encounter regarding racism in the school apparently happened when I reported it to them.

I'd focus on moving schools rather than how to teach him a lesson via a party bag

I understand why you feel like it but no, I wouldn't be able to exclude one child. Adults should always behave better, and model good behaviour.

As an aside a little boy at DS's nursery celebrated his Birthday last week. They played a few games, and DS came home with a book, some bubbles and little bag of sweets. He was over the moon and I thought it was really lovely of his mam to send these in. DS spends all day in close contact with these other children so bringing something home really doesn't matter.

Honestly I'd rather send nothing than have to give anything to a child who bullied my kid. Maybe he's only 9 but if he's old enough to bully, he's old enough to bear the consequences.

Or hand them out after school so it's easier to not give him one without it being as obvious (you can then just say you didn't see them and it was an accident).

Yes, it's petty, but bullies do not deserve anything better. The humiliation surely won't be as damaging as when he called your child racial and homophobic slurs. Also, I'd definitely take the complaint higher up.

For goodness sakes forget the silly party bags and make the school accountable for the behaviour of kids in their care. They should have a robust system in place to deal with bullying - surely that will impress Ofsted more than denying it actually takes place.

My eldest went through some pretty horrific bullying too, our school were useless so we moved to a different one and honestly out made life so much better.

Please consider it for your DS before it gets any worse.

I would omit the party bags thing altogether! It seems quite a waste of money - there must be people who just plain can't afford it. If you must give the whole class a present, better to give something that they can all use, like a book, than individual gift bags.

I would wait a month or two, and then, after some relaxation of rules, have a 'real' small outdoor party under the Rule of Six, which I assume will still operate for a while. With no more than five guests, there will be no need to invite the bully, or indeed most of the class.

I would not however exclude just one child from something that everyone else is getting,.

Oh gosh invite him of don't (I'd be in the 'don't' camp) but don't invite him then treat him differently!

This must be w horrible situation for your child to be in, but you know that excluding this child from a party-less 'party bag' isn't the right way.

You need to bring this up more forcefully with the school, and at 9, I think your child is also capable of 'reporting' it- even if it doesn't achieve much now, they won't be able to use the 'we weren't aware of it' card if your child is consistently bringing it up, and you follow this up with a conversation with his teacher and an email. Written evidence is great as there's a record which establishes a pattern. And don't be scared to escalate it to the head of year and headteacher.

Finally, a third option may be to attempt to engage with this child's parent/guardian- which it probably a pie in the sky sort of thing as this child is clearly leaving the language and behaviour somewhere but might be worth a last ditch effort?

Oh I see, party bags given in class. Definitely don't miss anyone out.

@seaclaidte

I know it's unkind.

It's so frustrating that my child comes home and asks me things like what (insert swear word) means or asks what certain homophobic terms mean.

And he has been physically aggressive towards my DS on more than one occasion.

The school like to bury things like this as its will affect their perfect ofsted score. They don't ever inform me. I usually hear it from DS.

The first ever encounter regarding racism in the school apparently happened when I reported it to them.

You need to focus on pushing the school through their channels. Have you gone beyond the teacher yet if they’re just ignoring it?

The answer really isn’t to exclude a 9yo kid. At that age to be coming out with homophobia and racism the school need to be dealing with it to help that kid, and protect other kids from their behaviour.

I honestly can’t believe you, as a grown adult, are even suggesting this as a solution. This sort of shit stays with children and is incredibly damaging long term. You display a total lack of empathy for the child and lack of thought into the fact that all behaviour is communication and there are clearly underlying issues here, as to where he is being exposed to this sort of language etc. You need to act like an adult and address this with the school, not bully a child in return! Gross.

This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions. It isn't constant but the events have been severe enough for me to dislike him.

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

He never apologised either.
Just carries on as if it never happened.

Pressed send too soon. But the issues are serious and must be followed up at school. Bullying should be zero tolerance!! Hope you manage to get some support from the school over this.

Finally, a third option may be to attempt to engage with this child's parent/guardian- which it probably a pie in the sky sort of thing as this child is clearly leaving the language and behaviour somewhere but might be worth a last ditch effort?

That would be the worst idea ever.

Either the parent is mortified and struggling and therefore doesn’t need another parent on their case while they deal with it.

Or, most likely, the racism and homophobia is behaviour learned at home and the OP is likely to face a mouthful of abuse (or worse) if they approach the parent.

I wouldn't give party bags out anyway--it seems pretty mad with no party and a lot of parents wouldn't appreciate their kid coming home with a bunch of random plastic toys etc. without any clear reason behind it.

If you must give out something to mark the birthday, I would give one to the nasty kid as well and just let it go. Otherwise you're obliging the teacher to engage in your personal disputes.

If he called your son a discriminatory term and tried to strangle him, this should be escalated to the head.

This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions.
'Nasty on several occasions' IS bullying. If the school wouldn't take a hard line I'd be looking at a different school

You need to push this with school. I think they have to report racist instances.

Forget party bags. I am surprised schools are allowing these at the moment, and they would not let you only have them for some children (if they are allowed)

Ask to speak to safeguarding person if they are not taking bullying seriously or put in a formal complaint following the complaint policy on the school website

Well, it depends whether you think the correct response to bullying is bullying. Exclusion is a form of bullying.

The abuse, racism and homophobia need to be addressed. If the teacher isn't dealing with it, escalate to the headteacher. If they don't deal with it, escalate to the governors. Your DS should not have to put up with this at school.

Even without covid no teacher in the history of teaching would hand out birthday treats to all but one kid!

No, you can’t do this. The school need to have a stricter policy against both bullying and racism, I’d be taking it up with them until they actually listen and take action.