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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say ‘no vaccine, no seeing grandchildren’ to my anti vaccine in laws?

569 replies

Hfjshdhs · 07/03/2021 17:47

Name changed because I’m sure that IABU and I’m a bit scared of the fallout!

My PIL are anti vaccine, conspiracy theorists (don’t think Covid exists). They are refusing to get the vaccine.

I have a 3 year old and 5 month old. The 3 year old goes to nursery, but other than that we are incredibly careful and follow all rules. My 5 month old hasn’t met anyone because we are staying safe. None of us are CEV, but equally we have friends who are healthy, have had covid, and had a really awful time of it. So we really don’t want Covid in the house.

AIBU to say to my in laws that if they don’t have the vaccine, I won’t see them, and they won’t be seeing the grandchildren? Or is that a really shitty thing to do?

For context, I have never got on with them. They are extremely controlling. My husband has a very poor relationship with them. But our daughter loves her grandparents so we make sure they have a good relationship. My PIL are both still working, in offices, so exposed every day. If I see my PIL I don’t think I could see my own parents in the following two weeks because they are vulnerable (though have been vaccinated).

OP posts:
Original poster
Hfjshdhs · 07/03/2021 19:15

Yes, I have already said a couple of times that my views of them may be clouding my judgment. What they have done to us in the past has been awful. Controlling doesn’t really cover it. I’m not going to share details as it is really outing. We went NC for about six months 4 years ago, but they promised they would change so started seeing them again.

Saying that I’m punishing my DC for liking them is ridiculous.

My DH agrees with me. He’s finding it all very hard though.

I know that we are at risk with my DD at nursery, but for me the benefit of her being there (it’s her education, her time to make friends and socialise) outweighs the risk. She’s in a very small bubble. At the same time, I don’t want to invite more risk into my life than I have to.

A close family member, someone young and healthy, got Covid and it has had devastating consequences. So this is also clouding my judgment.

Additionally, as a consequence of Covid I lost my job. Like everyone I’ve found the last year so, so hard. I’m devastated that my parents haven’t met my baby yet, but they (and we) wanted to do the right thing and wait until they were vaccinated, cases reduced, and we were allowed to. I just want things to go back to normal, and this is dependant on people getting vaccinated, so I think my in laws are being utterly selfish and that makes me extremely angry at them. Again, clouding my judgment.

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 07/03/2021 19:17

So you are going to blackmail them? Tell me how them not having the vacancie effects you or your children?

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 07/03/2021 19:17

We had to tell my nan that we wouldn 't be able to visit if she didn't have the jab until numbErs fell a lot as we would be putting her at risk and none of us wanted that ok our conscience
I know not zero risk with the vaccine but you feel you have at least tried , my nan just was unsure of it but not totally against, so no forcing but reminding we would have to all stay away until numbers really went down as some of us work in schools, public facing jobs
She had the vaccine in the end as she realised the advantages and wants to see us when she can, presently just seeing my aunt who helps her with shopping etc
Some may think thats not fair but it was w fact , we obviously all call her and I can't wait to see her once she has had her second jab and we are allowed

Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:18

just because someone is refusing this vaccine, does not make them anti vaxxers!! I’m not keen on this vaccine at all. I’m still very undecided. However, I have had all of my vaccines I have been required to have and my children are fully up to date with theirs. I’m not an anti vaxxer at all

So would you respect a family members wishes if they asked you to stay away until they've had their own vaccine?

mytwocats · 07/03/2021 19:20

It's the choice of the G/Ps not to get the jab,it's your choice to say no. Can't quite get my head round why people don't want the jab, be first in Q if they ended up with it

Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:23

But the ILs are the ones at risk, the risk to the children is miniscule. It is hypocritical to then send DC to nursery, they are more likely to catch it there

What about the risk to the OP and her husband. Surely they're doubling their risks by allowing the grand-parents to be around them?

Snorlaxx · 07/03/2021 19:24

The risk to you/ your family is the same regardless of whether your PIL are vaccinated so your argument doesn't hold up I'm afraid.

alsodetoxing · 07/03/2021 19:25

Soon, you will be able to have the vaccine yourself and you may feel differently then.

Can you delay until then?

I wouldn't be particularly reluctant to say they need to vaccinated to be in close proximity with my family, if they'd been so awful in the past. It's a horrible illness and the effects of long Covid on children are still largely an unknown. But no point blowing this up now if you can avoid it by delaying.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 07/03/2021 19:25

I cannot vote, I can't decide

alsodetoxing · 07/03/2021 19:26

The risk to you/ your family is the same regardless of whether your PIL are vaccinated so your argument doesn't hold up I'm afraid.

That doesn't seem to make sense. Vaccine lowers transmission.

oblada · 07/03/2021 19:28

It's worrying to see such anger at people opting not to get vaccinated, for whatever reason. There are 'good' (who are we to judge someone else's reason though) reasons to refuse this particular vaccine (for instance history of allergy, breastfeeding, planning a pregnancy, concern over the lack of available data as yet). We still live in a country where people can decide whether or not to get a particular vaccine. Some people's views may be a bit bonkers but that's not just on vaccine. Some people's religious views are bonkers to me but I don't refuse to see them.

Ultimately the question is whether seeing the unvaccinated grandparents would really pose an actual risk to your family taking into account your own risk factors. I doubt that to be honest. At the most you could say that you will see them only further down the line when the risk of covid is lower. If there is no actual medical risk then why refuse to see them? Because you disagree with them? It seems very controlling.

YouAreYourBestThing · 07/03/2021 19:30

@GrettaGreen

Surely they can just say they've had it at some point. Are you going to demand proof if they do?
Why wouldn't she ask for proof? If they are SO adamant that they won't get it, and are anti-vax, then suddenly say "oh we've had it now so we can see the kids", who wouldn't want proof!! Nobody is that gullible ffs!!
VivaLeBeaver · 07/03/2021 19:30

Problem is if you tell them this they can just turn round and say ok we’ll get the vaccine. But how will you know? Will you insist on seeing their cards?

Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:31

So you are going to blackmail them? Tell me how them not having the vacancie effects you or your children?

Oh behave. Why are the in-laws allowed to make their 'own decisions' but the OP is accused of 'blackmail' for making her own decisions?

If you don't even know about the basics of this vaccine, I suggest you do some reading up on it. Your comment of "Tell me how them not having the vacancie effects you or your children?" is ridiculous. Do you seriously not know the benefits of vaccines? Really?

TipToingParent · 07/03/2021 19:31

If I had a young baby I wouldn't let anyone near them at this time, vaccine or not. Babies don't have developed immune systems and if they caught a viral shit load of Covid, they would be very ill.

I would not have GP's who refuse to vaccinate over. No way and they are irresponsible to come over.

No one is coming in my house until DH and I have been vaccinated and only then if they have themselves. I have had Covid and it was shit.

Pickupapigeon · 07/03/2021 19:32

I think it depends what else you are doing. If after the 12th of April or whenever it is, you are going to meet up with friends, go to soft play, baby groups etc where most participants are not going to be vaccinated then the grandparents are no real additional risk. If you are going to stay isolated apart from nursery then the risk they present is proportionally bigger.

LittleLadyCece · 07/03/2021 19:33

It's there choice whether to get vaccinated or not. Your decision whether to allow the kids around them. However YABU to try and blackmail them over it.

Nancydrawn · 07/03/2021 19:34

Some people's religious views are bonkers to me but I don't refuse to see them.

Right, but their religious views don't put you in danger (I hope), nor does your disagreement put them in danger (and thus on your conscience).

There is a growing body of evidence that it does reduce transmission. There is certainly copious evidence that it does reduce risk for those who've had it.

Let's put it this way. If someone's "bonkers religious views" meant that for one random minute every hour they threw darts at people in a room, I'm not sure that I would hang out with them as long as they held that religious belief. I might talk to them over the phone, or on FaceTime, or even spaced very far away from them say, across a field but I wouldn't invite them over.

It's not about disagreement. It's about mitigating risk.

LittleLadyCece · 07/03/2021 19:34

Their not there....stupid autocorrect!!

Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:34

The risk to you/ your family is the same regardless of whether your PIL are vaccinated so your argument doesn't hold up I'm afraid

No the risks are not the same at all. If that was the case, why are we bothering with vaccines at all?

brushlaptop · 07/03/2021 19:34

They sounds weird. You could just not see them because you don't like them, regardless of them getting the vaccine or not. You never know, if you say that they might then go and get the vaccine then you'd have to see them 😂

GrannyRose15 · 07/03/2021 19:35

Sounds like a really good excuse to get shot of them. It is though a very shitty thing to do and you would have to live with that.

Just a thought. Your children will learn from how you treat their grandparents, so do you really want the same thing to happen to you in twenty or thirty years time.

ivfbeenbusy · 07/03/2021 19:35

You realise that the vaccine protects the person having the vaccine and not necessarily the people around them???

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/03/2021 19:37

Yanbu. Entirely sensible decision.

It's their choice to not get the vaccine but entirely your choice whether to accept the risk to your family. I wouldn't

Kazzyhoward · 07/03/2021 19:37

@TrickorTreacle

YANBU!

Anti-vaxxers have no place in society.

What I really don't understand is why the anti-vaxxers wear it like some demented badge of honour. If someone doesn't want to have it yet, then fair enough, but the way some of them just have to announce/publicise their decision strikes me as, frankly, bonkers. Just why would anyone make a big song and dance about not having the vaccine? There have even been people who've gone to extreme lengths, i.e. creating and printing leaflets and delivering them to peoples' homes telling them not to have the jab. Just why would any sane person do that?