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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say ‘no vaccine, no seeing grandchildren’ to my anti vaccine in laws?

569 replies

Hfjshdhs · 07/03/2021 17:47

Name changed because I’m sure that IABU and I’m a bit scared of the fallout!

My PIL are anti vaccine, conspiracy theorists (don’t think Covid exists). They are refusing to get the vaccine.

I have a 3 year old and 5 month old. The 3 year old goes to nursery, but other than that we are incredibly careful and follow all rules. My 5 month old hasn’t met anyone because we are staying safe. None of us are CEV, but equally we have friends who are healthy, have had covid, and had a really awful time of it. So we really don’t want Covid in the house.

AIBU to say to my in laws that if they don’t have the vaccine, I won’t see them, and they won’t be seeing the grandchildren? Or is that a really shitty thing to do?

For context, I have never got on with them. They are extremely controlling. My husband has a very poor relationship with them. But our daughter loves her grandparents so we make sure they have a good relationship. My PIL are both still working, in offices, so exposed every day. If I see my PIL I don’t think I could see my own parents in the following two weeks because they are vulnerable (though have been vaccinated).

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 07/03/2021 19:38

@GrannyRose15

Sounds like a really good excuse to get shot of them. It is though a very shitty thing to do and you would have to live with that.

Just a thought. Your children will learn from how you treat their grandparents, so do you really want the same thing to happen to you in twenty or thirty years time.

What a load of utter rot. And what a nasty manipulative, passive-aggressive post.
Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:38

If there is no actual medical risk then why refuse to see them? Because you disagree with them? It seems very controlling

No medical risk? Where have you been for the past year? OP doesn't want to catch Covid from the in-laws. Where's the controlling aspect?

littlepattilou · 07/03/2021 19:40

The reason my friend is refusing to take the kids to their grandmother, is to protect the kids GRANDMOTHER!

Because she is refusing to get the vaccine, my friend doesn't want them there, as they may take covid to her! (My friend's gran won't even wear a mask. as she is a covid denier, like her dimwad of a son!)

If the OP takes the kids around, and they take covid to the grandparents, the OP will be the bad guy then! It will be 'why did you take the kids there knowing their grandparents weren't vaccinated?!' Hmm

And my friend is the same. She refuses to put her gran at risk. Nothing 'controlling' about it @oblada Hmm The OP, like my friend has every right to not let the kids go to the in-laws, if they are too stubborn to have the vaccine. Some people may have very good reasons for not having the vaccine. Many do not!

People reserve the right to not have the vaccine. Other people reserve the right to not go anywhere near them until they DO have it.

Cuts both ways! The vaccine refusers don't get to have things all their own way! They make the choice to refuse, they suffer the consequences! And there will be plenty! Some people refusing to see them will be the last of their worries. Good luck to them trying to book a holiday, or theatre tickets, or a flight anywhere, or even a meal out, because many places will be refusing people who have not been vaccinated.

littlescratch · 07/03/2021 19:41

Why don’t you just tell them that you don’t want to see them anymore because you hate them? Would be more honest, and fair enough if they are as nasty as you say. Why do you need an excuse?

Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:41

Some people's religious views are bonkers to me but I don't refuse to see them

I've never heard of anyone being really sick or dead after 'catching the religion'.

Megan2018 · 07/03/2021 19:42

YANBU
We are fortunate that all of our family and friends will vaccinate. We won’t be socialising with anyone unvaccinated. We have to pass these people in public but I’m not going to willingly do so socially (exempted people like my pregnant friend excepted).

I do have knobhead anti-vaxxer family in Australia but I never see them and won’t.

Kazzyhoward · 07/03/2021 19:43

@ivfbeenbusy

You realise that the vaccine protects the person having the vaccine and not necessarily the people around them???
There is also growing evidence that it reduces transmission too!
Youllbeoldertoo · 07/03/2021 19:44

The vaccine doesn’t stop you spreading it, and you aren’t vulnerable. Normal life has to resume at some point, you’re being way OTT.

Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:45

Why don’t you just tell them that you don’t want to see them anymore because you hate them? Would be more honest, and fair enough if they are as nasty as you say. Why do you need an excuse?

🤣🙄 This comment honestly sounds as if it's been written by an angry, pouty child.

oblada · 07/03/2021 19:45

@Cuppachino

If there is no actual medical risk then why refuse to see them? Because you disagree with them? It seems very controlling

No medical risk? Where have you been for the past year? OP doesn't want to catch Covid from the in-laws. Where's the controlling aspect?

I'm not convinced it is that clear cut that the OP's family, with no risk factors themselves, would be at actual, quantifiable, medical risk by seeing the unvaccinated GPs. It depends on the context. But unless the OP plans to live away from everyone else it seems the additional risk brought about by the unvaccinated ILs would be minimal. Probably less than driving there in the first place. At the most OP could wait for their own vaccines / things to calm down before meeting up. Since when have we checked on people's vaccination history? I expect my parents not to take the vaccine but then a big part of the population in France is doing the same. I don't know what I'll do yet (history of allergy and breastfeeding so potentially not a great candidate for it) but it hasn't occurred to me to refuse to see family members on that basis.
Cuppachino · 07/03/2021 19:48

I don't know what I'll do yet (history of allergy and breastfeeding so potentially not a great candidate for it) but it hasn't occurred to me to refuse to see family members on that basis

So you'll make your own choice...same as OP.

Druidlookingidiot · 07/03/2021 19:49

@Youllbeoldertoo

The vaccine doesn’t stop you spreading it, and you aren’t vulnerable. Normal life has to resume at some point, you’re being way OTT.
The vaccine doesn’t stop you spreading it

Keep up, there's plenty of evidence coming out now that says it does stop the virus spreading.

GrannyRose15 · 07/03/2021 19:50

I don't agree with those who say this isn't bullying. It is.
Bullying is defined as seeking to harm, intimidate, or coerce. The grandparents will feel pressured into having a vaccine they don't want by the OP's attitude.

Druidlookingidiot · 07/03/2021 19:50

If there is no actual medical risk

Are you actually a hermit?

oblada · 07/03/2021 19:51

@Cuppachino

Some people's religious views are bonkers to me but I don't refuse to see them

I've never heard of anyone being really sick or dead after 'catching the religion'.

The risk of someone gullible being indoctrinated into a dangerous sect isn't necessarily that different to someone with no risk factor, vaccinated themselves for instance, getting v ill with covid because of the unvaccinated grandparents.

In all seriousness life is about risk management. It's never about 'no risk'. We all take risks all the time and the covid related risk posed by those grandparents really seem minimal to me. The real reason the OP doesn't want to see them isn't the vaccine, come on.

Druidlookingidiot · 07/03/2021 19:52

@GrannyRose15

I don't agree with those who say this isn't bullying. It is. Bullying is defined as seeking to harm, intimidate, or coerce. The grandparents will feel pressured into having a vaccine they don't want by the OP's attitude.
You're fucking nuts coming up with that one. The grandparents should feel pressurised into having the vaccine, BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO AND NOT ONLY PROTECTS THEM, IT PROTECTS OTHERS AS WELL.
Druidlookingidiot · 07/03/2021 19:55

In all seriousness life is about risk management. It's never about 'no risk'. We all take risks all the time and the covid related risk posed by those grandparents really seem minimal to me

Two people close to me have died from Covid. The risk is real. I can't believe the number of people on this thread minimising the risks. Are you for real?

LockdownIsDrivingMeMad · 07/03/2021 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reinventinganna · 07/03/2021 19:56

What if they say, ‘okay our grandchildren are really important. We will get the vaccination’?

You don’t need an excuse to not have a relationship with them.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/03/2021 19:56

For context, I have never got on with them

No shit ! I think you should make a
More honest excuse to not see them maybe

Doomsdayiscoming · 07/03/2021 19:57

YABU.

I’d never let them near my kids, regardless of their vaccine status.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2021 19:57

Bottom line is it's a choice for BOTH parties.

OP and her DH have the right to decide how/when/if their children may become exposed to Covid. No one has the right to tell them they MUST do a thing or see a person that they feel presents a risk.

Likewise, the iLs have the absolute right to decide NOT to be vaxxed. No one has the right to tell them they MUST get the jab.

ALL decisions have consequences. But those consequences are CHOSEN by the person making the decision. If the iLs choose not to vax, then they are CHOOSING not to see the DGC. OP is not and cannot 'force' them to get vaxxed. The iLs must weigh up the decision and then live with the consequences. As must the OP if her children later resent her for the decision.

DH and I are vaxxed. But even so, with the knowledge provided right now I don't feel comfortable being around others (especially a child or a baby) without masks and distancing. Not because I worry about me, but because I worry I may carry it to them.

Ilovechinese · 07/03/2021 19:57

Yes yabu to use your children to blackmail them into having a medical treatment they dont want!! The NHS have already said it doesn't stop the spread it just lessons symptoms. Plus children would most likely be fine no worse than a cold they caught it. If you dont like them and they are controlling then dont see them for that reason, dint they to force them into having a vaccine!! How selfish! Not only to them but to your own child as you said she gets on well with them.

oblada · 07/03/2021 19:58

To all those stating that people MUST get the covid vaccine otherwise they are mad/stupid etc - I hope you won't be holidaying in France anytime soon. The uptake over there is pretty poor.

Personally I haven't made up my mind but I'm enough of an adult to realise we all need to make individual choices, ideally informed choices, on the matter and respect the choices made by others.

Doomsdayiscoming · 07/03/2021 19:59

@LockdownIsDrivingMeMad

The covid vaccine program is a trial vaccine.

It takes years of testing and trials to come up with a safe tested vaccine.

The in laws have their heads screwed on right.

Your in laws probably don't want to be Guinea pigs in this vaccine trial.

Zzzzz