AIBU to say ‘no vaccine, no seeing grandchildren’ to my anti vaccine in laws?

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Name changed because I’m sure that IABU and I’m a bit scared of the fallout!

My PIL are anti vaccine, conspiracy theorists (don’t think Covid exists). They are refusing to get the vaccine.

I have a 3 year old and 5 month old. The 3 year old goes to nursery, but other than that we are incredibly careful and follow all rules. My 5 month old hasn’t met anyone because we are staying safe. None of us are CEV, but equally we have friends who are healthy, have had covid, and had a really awful time of it. So we really don’t want Covid in the house.

AIBU to say to my in laws that if they don’t have the vaccine, I won’t see them, and they won’t be seeing the grandchildren? Or is that a really shitty thing to do?

For context, I have never got on with them. They are extremely controlling. My husband has a very poor relationship with them. But our daughter loves her grandparents so we make sure they have a good relationship. My PIL are both still working, in offices, so exposed every day. If I see my PIL I don’t think I could see my own parents in the following two weeks because they are vulnerable (though have been vaccinated).

I had a tricky dilemma with my pils and in the end the only way I could decide was to imagine explaining to my DC why they don't have a relationship with their dgp in ten years time. In the end we continued the relationship but I manage the problem areas as best I can to limit the toxic aspects. I don't think it is a bad thing as my DC recognise kindness when they see it and also see that there is room in this world for all sorts of people but you can protect yourself from people's blind spots of you take àn attitude of knowing your boundaries and not being bullied. Useful lesson for life, we haven't thrown family on the scrap heap but we don't let them drag us down.
However, it all depends on the level of awfulness, with my pils it is not malicious it's just shitty attitudes but I can see where they are coming from in a way.
If the people in question are likely to exert damage that you can't manage it might be different for you.
I'd perhaps see them outside but not have them in the house and reassess in the future.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

The conspiracy theory alone would make me go NC let alone not wanting to protect family and others.

This! I would not want these people influencing my children.

@dementedpixie you're not correct. Having the vaccine has slowed down the number of people becoming ill with the virus, but it doesn’t mean that a vaccinated person cannot transmit it. I’ve had my vaccine but still need to be tested 2x weekly for my job for precisely this reason.

@ChloeCrocodile

That is an unbelievably controlling thing to do. You and your children are very low risk. If your parents have been vaccinated they are low risk. If you don’t want to see them then don’t see them. But trying to bully people into medical treatment that they don’t want makes you a dick.

But OP is not bullying her in laws into having the vaccine. She's just stating that no vaccine = no visits to see the children.

The in laws are free to choose what they want to do, in response.

The fact that they are Covidiots would be enough for me to go NC.

I think YABU, what about the nursery workers? How do you know they are all vaccinated?

Wean your child off of the conspiracy theorists. Why would you want their influence in her life? If they were racist or sexist you wouldn't want it, conspiracy theorists are just as bad in my book. I think you'd be completely justified to tell them to fuck off.

You don't like them, they're controlling, your dh doesn't have a good relationship with them. Your daughter is 3; she'd have a good relationship with anyone who paid her attention. Do you think she will continue to have a good relationship with them as she gets older (and less cute) or might your PIL's characters affect that?

Now might be an excellent time to put some distance between you and them.

I think the fact that they are conspiracy theory Covid deniers would put me off more than them not being vaccinated. That sort of thinking can be frankly dangerous. What other conspiracies do they believe in?

I’d be worried they’d fill my child’s head with utter rubbish if given the opportunity.

The risk is mainly to your PIL, not to you.

I'm 100% in favour of vaccination, but I don't think it's fair or appropriate to punishment your PIL for their choice. Be honest, it's not you getting ill you're worried about, it's them - understandably, you love them, but it's their call. They're adults, let them make the decision.

YAB a bit U if your dd is going to Nursery every day with none of the staff likely to have been vaccinated.

However, if you don't like them and your dh has a poor relationship with them, and you want to keep things really low contact, then this is a perfect excuse on a plate for you.

Though, as pointed out by others, what happens if they then tell you they have been vaccinated to appease you - do you believe them? Ask for proof? Interrogate them about the details ?
DO you ask other people for proof of vaccination - or even, just ask them if they have been vaccinated - before your dc are allowed to mix with them ? Will you for the next year? Two years ? 5 years ? You can see it isn't really very logical.

I certainly think they are idiots. But I think you are wrong. If the relationship is broken and you don't want to have contact, that's fine. But be honest about it. Blaming it on not having the vaccine is stupid - your kids don't have it either, because they can't. You are at risk, possibly, by going out at all. If you choose to be outside the home at all, forever, then you are at risk. There are lots of other risks in life too. Will you be avoiding all those too? If you want to stop seeing your in laws, just be honest that it's because you can't stand them.

No you are not unreasonable I would feel the same. I am high risk and also pregnant and will be being very careful with this whole thing. They are choosing to not get the vaccine therefore you can chose to keep your distance as a result till it’s safe again.

WOW!!!! I am speechless. It is their choice. The risk to your kids is miniscule. That's just awful. How does your husband feel about this? For me such a stance would also be the end of my marriage.

If they don’t want to be vaccinated that’s fine, but you’re not obligated to pander to them as a result. I would keep them away.

No you can’t control every interaction your children have, but you can manage risk when it’s in your power to do so.

I'm gonna go against the grain and say that I find this quite petty and controlling actually, like you're jumping on an excuse not to see them. The nursery workers mostly won't be vaccinated either, yet you still send your child. So it's not COVID you're bothered about. What does your DH think?

[quote Soontobe60]@dementedpixie you're not correct. Having the vaccine has slowed down the number of people becoming ill with the virus, but it doesn’t mean that a vaccinated person cannot transmit it. I’ve had my vaccine but still need to be tested 2x weekly for my job for precisely this reason.[/quote]
www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-56145392

There is evidence that it does affect transmission as there is less shedding from the infected person as they have been vaccinated. Still need to be cautious but the early evidence is positive

I've also learned to take the MN standards of in laws with a pinch of salt I have to say. "Extremely controlling" on here can mean "wanted to come for Sunday dinner one time when it wasn't convenient for us".

I think this is really weird and it’s quite scary how much people are turning on each other, vaccines are a choice. Where do you draw the line? I find it so weird the way people are acting over this vaccine. I’m not having it, if I’m family don’t want to see me then quite frankly I couldn’t care less, luckily they are not controlling.

But doctors and nurses are refusing the vaccine. Will you be refusing to access hospitals? Dont use this as a reason because it's full of holes. Make the choice because of your relationship. Obviously it's up to you but as you asked, yabu.

Does your Husband have a voice?

Have you checked Nursery staff are vaccinated?

Do you go out at all or do you stay indoors 24/7?

You could go ahead say this to your PILs that you obviously dislike. Be prepared for an answer you may not like, tho. Such as 'OK'. Which would solve the issue actually but I bet you still won't like it.

What is it you are actually afraid of OP? Your children being affected by COVID? Because the chances are negligible rate they will be? Or is it just about finding a reason to cut out your ILs? If it was your parents refusing the vaccine would you cut them off?

God, not another one!!

YANBU I'm sick of people saying but you do this and do that so at risk anyway, that doesn't mean you then do stuff which increases the risk totally unnecessarily.

It’s an excuse, OP. Of course you could see your vaccinated parents. That’s the entire point of us all getting it.