Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

Most teens do not manage to take their ability to play call of duty for 8 hours straight and turn it into gainful employment.

Maybe for some, but not ‘most’. There will be some kids who think they can go from playing computer games to a career. But I think you are looking at it very negatively.

DD really enjoys computer games, is also studying computer science and is considering a career in STEM / computing / design. She is aware she needs to get a good Maths grade to do this. In fact they don’t allow them to take CS unless their Maths is good enough. She often plays online with her friends, who are mostly from her school top maths / science classes, and I doubt any of them will have trouble finding ‘gainful employment’ !

A couple of years ago I attended a course aimed at developing tech skills in women who wanted to upskill for return to work or career change. We were taught by some fantastic young women - who all seemed to enjoy gaming in their spare time.

I think it’s a narrow minded point of view to dismiss all gaming as a waste of time and turning children into vegetables. Of course place limits, but be aware it can also be a positive and enjoyable activity, which can develop other skills.

’His phone switches off after 30 minutes? And that’s it for the day? What happens if a friend messaged him out of that designated time?’ He replies to them the next day... He's 11 so doesn't really need to respond quickly/spend hours communicating with his friends outside of school. This will obviously change as he gets older, but he will mature as he gets older and be able to manage his own time more effectively.

So if a friend messages to meet up in the park, or go for a scoot, or kick a football around he wouldn’t be able to reply? You may find that as he gets older you may wish to let him have a bit more freedom in communicating with friends.

@SpnBaby1967

When we first had the kids playing on consoles i was really restrictive. Only one hour after school twice a week and no more than 2 hours a day at weekends.

But the more I restricted the more the consoles became this fabled out of reach holy grail and once on it became impossible to get them off and it became a battle ground.

One summer holiday I gave in, couldn't stand the arguing anymore and for about 2 weeks they were on them constantly (I have 3 kids) from dawn till bedtime and I remember cringing about it.

But what happened was naturally, once it wasnt restricted they began to self regulate their usage. Slowly they started using it less, started drawing and going out to play more. Balance returned back into our lives and it was honestly a revelation.

I now realise I should have trusted them more.

This was a really interesting post. Of course there will always be some children who aren't able to self regulate, but I find most children will have spurts of interest in something, books, lego, gaming etc, and then move onto something else.

@Bicnod

I find that really bizarre I have to say. I sort of get restrictions on consoles but surely a phones purpose is for communication and adding extra minutes sounds like an awful lot of hard work. If you don’t want him mindlessly scrolling YouTube (my DS scrolls YouTube for football training drills so it’s not all useless stuff) then just remove YouTube rather than setting an arbitrary amount of time which you control. I assume he is at High School, are you scared he is going to be left out when all his mates are chatting and he has to go after 30 minutes? Or they are all meeting at the park and he can’t go as they weren’t able to contact him within his allotted 30 minutes.

I was that child at High School. My parents didn’t let me have any freedom at all. We didn’t even have a phone so one could contact me. I was an only child and it was a horrible lonely experience which I don’t want for my children.

I appreciate you must have your reasons but if he is old enough to have a phone then he is old enough to make his own decisions (within reason of course)

I was that child at High School. My parents didn’t let me have any freedom at all. We didn’t even have a phone so one could contact me. I was an only child and it was a horrible lonely experience which I don’t want for my children.

This is it - I wager some of us are commenting as children who were made to slog miserably through the D of E award, 6 years of piano lessons and guide camp in the name of being "well rounded". Not as parents with judgy-pants on.

Self regulation doesn't work for everyone. My nephew got properly addicted to computer gaming. He displayed typical behaviour of addiction and failed miserably at his GCSEs and ended up having to repeat a year. He never caught up again with his peers but was able to get onto an apprenticeship later on and has a steady job and a lovely family now. I remember my brother and SIL being so worried for such a long time, it was awful. As I said upthread video games are designed purposefully to capture your attention and the way people engage with games (and social media) triggers endorphins so people actually do get addicted to these things.

@ihearttc

I just think at the age of 11 he doesn't really need unlimited access to a smartphone - he's still a child and I want him to have the opportunity to play with his siblings, read, get outside etc without being distracted by his phone. Particularly during lockdown when he's been on a screen for school 6-7 hours a day - he needs a break from it.

With regards to meeting up with his friends - they don't really do ad hoc meet ups yet in his group of mates. If he wants to go home with someone after school he can call me and let me know - he can always call me, that doesn't eat into his 30 minutes. If only having 30 minutes of phone time starts impacting on his social life we will have a conversation about it and work out what needs to change (potentially adding more time) - at the moment it is fine.

He has lots of freedom - he goes off on his bike for hours with his friend, walks to and from school (30 minutes each way) on his own etc. I trust him to take his 6 year old sister out for walks. He is pretty responsible in many ways but he is still only 11.

I also don't really see when he'd use this extra time you think he should have on his phone? He is at school all day during the week, then has homework and activities most days after school. I don't want him staring at a phone all day at the weekend - in ordinary times he has regular activities/meets up with his friends etc and at the moment we spend time as a family/bike rides/walks etc.

I reiterate - he's only 11. 11 year olds don't, IMHO, have the maturity to self-regulate. Most adults don't have the ability to self-regulate to be honest (including me). My DS certainly doesn't (and he knows it). If he has unlimited access to a phone he will be on it watching YouTube or playing Among Us or My Singing Monsters - all harmless fun, but not really something I want him to spend the majority of his free time doing when he is still a pretty young child.

@Wandamakestoast

’His phone switches off after 30 minutes? And that’s it for the day? What happens if a friend messaged him out of that designated time?’ He replies to them the next day... He's 11 so doesn't really need to respond quickly/spend hours communicating with his friends outside of school. This will obviously change as he gets older, but he will mature as he gets older and be able to manage his own time more effectively.

So if a friend messages to meet up in the park, or go for a scoot, or kick a football around he wouldn’t be able to reply? You may find that as he gets older you may wish to let him have a bit more freedom in communicating with friends.

That's literally what I said:

'This will obviously change as he gets older...'

You sound like a good mum OP. There’s also not actually anything wrong with what their dad is doing either. My personal opinion is that if kids are getting up early, school, homework, any activities they have after school, dinner, bath and getting some exercise then if there is time left over there is nothing wrong with letting them decide what to do for themselves. Giving them a bit time to do what they want rather than what we want. We’d be pretty miserable if we had to wait a week between checking mumsnet or whatever (as a loose comparison) when we’ve been working all day, ferrying kids about and then we weren’t allowed to choose what our downtime entails. This is assuming again that they are getting adequate exercise, doing their schoolwork and behaving themselves. If it started to affect them then yes have a look at it.

With regards to meeting up with his friends - they don't really do ad hoc meet ups yet in his group of mates. If he wants to go home with someone after school he can call me and let me know - he can always call me, that doesn't eat into his 30 minutes.

I don't understand. You said the phone switches off after thirty minutes of use, so if he's used his thirty minutes already, how can he call you?

Or do you mean 30 minutes of internet time and then it disconnects? Rather than after 30 minutes, the phone turns off completely?

My number is his emergency contact number so it doesn't eat into his phone time. We use Microsoft Family and that's the way it's set up. He can call me whenever he needs to (which is mainly why we got him the phone).

@goodbyelenin

Yes I agree with you. DD is currently building a Minecraft world with a group of friends and they talk to each other via a headset whilst doing it. They are collaborating, being creative, chatting, joking.

mine do that too, but that will only be allowed because of the lockdown. As soon as schools reopen, their clubs, their sports, they will see friends in real life and won't have any need for Minecraft and the rest.

It's very sad that the only life these kids have been allowed is virtual.

I guess I have always tried to see the best in any given situation. Yes the past year has been very difficult, but children have also developed other skills. Of course it would better for DD to see all her friends in real life, but she can’t, and I am impressed with her initiative and how they have taken something negative and turned it into a positive. It also means when they go back to school they will have a shared experience (albeit online).

I don’t think it is helpful as parents to dismiss something our children enjoy as a waste of time. That’s not great for their self-esteem. As a child I loved reading, I was quite a shy child and reading was an escape. I remember my step-mother bitterly complaining how I always had my head in a book. I can still remember it now and it was actually quite hurtful.

But what happened was naturally, once it wasnt restricted they began to self regulate their usage. Slowly they started using it less, started drawing and going out to play more. Balance returned back into our lives and it was honestly a revelation.
I now realise I should have trusted them more

How old were they - I find it hard to believe young children can self regulate screen time.

How old were they - I find it hard to believe young children can self regulate screen time.

Honest question but why do you find it hard to believe? When the allure of it being some mystical exclusive activity is removed it just becomes another activity.

I've taught in many Reception classrooms where during free choice time the children can access computers when ever they want. After a few minutes most go and find something to do. You get some exceptions but most are quite capable of playing for a while and then finding something else to do. The vast majority treat the screens exactly the same as they treat the puzzles, construction toys or the mark making area.

I think I would have been controlling about all this screen time,if it had been a thing when my two children were young, They always wanted to be out and about in those days.They never wanted to watch TV that much either.

My neighbour friend has a son,and its very refreshing to see what he does quite a lot,he is 15, and thinks it's a waste of time staring at screens, gaming etc, He often asks the neighbours round here,if there are any jobs that he can help them with. He recently dug up a hard to dig up shrub in my garden that I wanted to move elsewhere, and saw up some logs for my woodburner. Last year,he helped me to paint the inside of my shed. He is good with techno stuff,and repairs etc.

He always says that he likes helping people.,and says he doesn't want any money, but people do pay him for the help. His Mum is a teacher, and she is very proud of all the things he does for anyone.

@Bicnod

My number is his emergency contact number so it doesn't eat into his phone time. We use Microsoft Family and that's the way it's set up. He can call me whenever he needs to (which is mainly why we got him the phone).

But how does that work if he's already used his allocated 30 minutes and the phone has turned off?

@sunflowersandbuttercups I assume the phone is still on but will only have certain features that can be used

[quote lovepickledlimes]@sunflowersandbuttercups I assume the phone is still on but will only have certain features that can be used[/quote]
It's just OP's first post says it turns off after thirty minutes of use each day, but yes, I suspect you're right.

@Topsoil do your children have no downtime during the week (pre COVID)?

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Topsoil do your children have no downtime during the week (pre COVID)?[/quote]
No not really, When they aren't doing instruments or learning, they are sent up the chimneys round here

@Bicnod

I’m probably just seeing it from the other side as a child of parents who did what you are doing. I have to disagree with not having the maturity at 11 to self regulate, DS2 is 10 (he is in Y5) and does everything you are talking about your DS doing without having a fixed period of time allowed on his phone. He plays football 4 times a week at a high level, then plays football in our garden, reads, plays Xbox, takes to his friends, skateboards, rides his bike and does stuff with us as a family (in non covid times obviously). He is more than able to self regulate and if I feel he has been on his phone or his x box too much I simply suggest he turns it off. He respects my decision that at that point it’s too much and finds something else to do. He isn’t on it all day as there are lots of other things to do but if his friend messaged to say come out on your scooter or keys have a game of FIFA then he’d get the message and be able to do that. It’s all about balance, by the time they get to High School they should be able to understand that. My older DS is in Y11 and has had to have the self discipline to basically teach himself for the last year. He knows when he needs to work and when he can play Xbox and chat to his friends because I’ve allowed him the freedom to work it out for himself rather than setting limits like some of his mates parents have done. They are now in a position where they are unable to think for themselves just as I was as a child.
Of course we don’t want our children on devices all day but I also don’t think setting arbitrary limits of such a short period of time is doing them any good at all.

I've taught in many Reception classrooms where during free choice time the children can access computers when ever they want. After a few minutes most go and find something to do.
I can access computers and do but I wouldn't equate that with the whole evenings that some teens and young males spend gaming. I doubt reception age have the dexterity to master fast moving games - I know as a grandma of a certain age that I can't (but probably could if I had the inclination).

@ihearttc - with respect, from what you've described of your childhood, I am not doing the same with DS as your parents did with you. He has lots of freedom/independence, he has a phone which he has IMO an adequate amount of time on, he has an Xbox which he has some time on as well, he has siblings and loads of friends, he has lots of different interests. You say you were lonely, DS is not in any way lonely. He is a happy, sunny, bright, funny, sparky and thoughtful kid.

Great that you trust your DS to self regulate, my DS has shown he's not mature enough to do that yet. This is why I restrict his time. I anticipate that, as he matures, I will need to be less restrictive with his screen/phone time.

I think all the parents on this thread are trying to do the best by our DC. I don't judge other people's parenting choices and I'm not quite sure why you have got such a bee in your bonnet about my decision to restrict my DS's phone time...

Personally I have never limited computer time. My kids stopped watching TV when they were about 9 or 10 but they both spend a fair bit of time on their computers (DS much more than DD). DS never just plays games (he is on a PC not console) - he does a bit of gaming but does loads of reading, researching, coding etc online. He is a bit of a programming expert at his age (14) and knows more than his computing teachers at school (she uses his stuff to help teach the ALevel students). He is very intellegent and has learned huge amounts from the internet (not much different to reading in that respect). He has a good group of friends, is confident and happy and healthy. I understand why people worry about screen time etc but I do think some people may be holding their kids back in some ways. Kids these days know too little about computers especially considering how reliant our society is on them. Kids should be taught so much more than they are. I paid for coding lessons for my kids, DH teaches them how to fix things when they go wrong etc. Of course kids (and adults) need moderation in this like everything but I don't think we should act like using computers is bad for them.

Titsywoo l agree. My dd 14 can repair any fault or glitch on her tech.