Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

I haven’t got a bee in my bonnet at all but you posted something in my opinion (and other posters, it’s not just me) something incredibly controlling almost in an attempt to make your self seem superior to us mere mortals who choose to allow our children some freedom.

Quite honestly I couldn’t care less what you do, I was simply trying to show the other side of the situation. You are obviously very confident in your decision so good luck to you.

Lol at me trying to make myself seem superior

I was just posting what I do with my DS as thought it might be helpful to the OP.

And yes, I'm very confident in my decision on how to parent DS. I didn't actually ask for any feedback but thanks for giving me your tuppence worth.

As I said, I think most parents are trying to do the best by their children. You are the one hoiking up your judgy pants, not me.

something incredibly controlling almost in an attempt to make your self seem superior to us mere mortals who choose to allow our children some freedom.

if that's the way you want to put it to make yourself feel better, go for it.

I don't feel that defensive because I am very confident in my choices too

I mean, we could start rambling that leaving your children in front of screens is being a lazy parent, as you can wash your hands and ignore them for hours, but we don't do that, do we?

As long as chores are done, homework done, been out for fresh air with friends, then they can do whatever they like. Almost 14yo and my 10yo also get the odd shandy too. Being too rigid with rules only makes them go daft later on.

@goodbyelenin

That wasn’t aimed at you but at the poster who only allows her son 30 minutes on his phone before it turns off which other posters have also said is completely over the top.

Most parents don’t leave their children in front of screens for hours but most parents also don’t need to set an arbitrary 30 minute time limit for an 11 year old at Secondary School. It’s called balance. My son doesn’t stay on his Xbox or his phone for hours, he has free rein but mostly is playing sport to a very high level. I trust him to regulate himself rather than imposing limits for the sake of doing it. If he was on their too much, I’d tell him to come off? Isn’t that what most parents do? Not sure why I’m getting such a hard time for questioning the amount of control the other poster seems to have over her child at Secondary School?

It did seem that she was making herself out to be better than everyone else because her son is only allowed 30 minutes on his phone but I appreciate that’s probably not how she meant it so for that I apologise.

Thank you for explaining!

It's probably much easier not to restrict the phone that much, as it's a great tool for possible punishments

OP you’re being responsible. Others don’t like it as it’s the hard way to parent. Hats off to you.

@goodbyelenin

It is indeed! Especially when they are a 6ft 16 year old and they want to talk to their girlfriend!! I also find turning off the WiFi for 10 minutes also gets their attention!

I agree with @Calvinlookingforhobbes

@blowinahoolie

As long as chores are done, homework done, been out for fresh air with friends, then they can do whatever they like. Almost 14yo and my 10yo also get the odd shandy too. Being too rigid with rules only makes them go daft later on.

Side note, but there is plenty of research to show that exposing children to alcohol at younger ages is correlated with more teen drinking, not less. Yes, some European families might allowed watered down wine etc, but that is in a very different cultural context

@VestaTilley

I agree with *@Calvinlookingforhobbes*

Me too

@Calvinlookingforhobbes I agree. Also, I see far more snobbishness here from parents who give their children free-er rein than the more controlled ones.

People talk here about how they suffered from being overscheduled children etc. Well, my best friend and I had free use of the computer, much better understanding than our parents of the exciting new World Wide Web, and that is how my 14 year old bestie got her secret 27 year old boyfriend. We both thought it was very romantic

I can guarantee that many of the 11 year olds with free access to devices are viewing porn, or inappropriate chats with friends on social media or total ransoms elsewhere.

It's always good to give children a chance to prove themselves first and try to set up their own self-regulation, with supervision. Some kids can do it, my dc2 can - but they are in the minority. Even few adults, given free rein, have good boundaries. I love games, I'm also, because of this, very aware how addicting they can be. Many of us need some limits set, and children deserve better than to be left alone with the internet open ahead of them.

Ds is spending too much time gaming. But how else can he talk to his friends? Having listened to some he plays, it's fascinating to hear them working problems out together and deal with conflicts over who's gone rogue and blown a ship up or whatever.

He's 11, so I'd like him to go and meet his mates. But there's a group of older teens going round smashing shit up and beating up younger kids ( fucking hunting them and coralling them so they can't escape), so I'm happy where he is.

You seem to be parenting, and setting boundaries. Somehow we seem to confuse this with being controlling nowadays. I've seen a couple of posts on the 'teens' section of MN recently along the lines of 'my 13 yr old has their phone in their room all night and is chronically sleep deprived and grumpy, and seems to be communicating with pervy old men throughout the night . . . . Should I take her phone at midnight?'. And then half the replies are 'you are so so controlling, what is wrong with you, this is completely normal behaviour for a teen'. It's shocking. Anyway, 7 is still v v young and your rules sounds appropriate to me. 11 is still round but I guess you could add another week-night's playing but shorten the sessions? As you have alluded to, if given free choice almost all kids will choose screens, and it's not that screens are inherently hugely damaging but it's that they are not then doing other very beneficial things with that time - whether it be sleeping, reading, getting outside or chatting to family. I was pretty strict on my DS's screen time until 12, and he has consistently been one of the highest performing readers in his class, solely because he does it for around an hour a day because he has that time and space carved in. He wouldn't read if he could play PS4, but if screens are not an option he does. You are trying to make good decisions for your DC and putting in place some basic rules about screen time is not controlling, it's good parenting. As long as you are flexi to reflect changing ages etc it sounds like you are on a good track.

I can guarantee that many of the 11 year olds with free access to devices are viewing porn, or inappropriate chats with friends on social media or total ransoms elsewhere.

Free access is not the same as unsupervised access.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I can guarantee that many of the 11 year olds with free access to devices are viewing porn, or inappropriate chats with friends on social media or total ransoms elsewhere.

Free access is not the same as unsupervised access.

Of course it's not. And I'm sure there are some children who have unlimited access and only use their devices in public spaces.

I also don't think that's true of the majority, especially when children are spending hours at a time online at the weekend and with the many children discussed here who have their own devices and phones, and who are using them in their own rooms. There are a lot of 12 year old girls whose parents require their social media passwords, who then maintain two sets of accounts. Restrictions and nanny devices are not that hard to bypass.

At 16 or even 14 a fair bit of this is unavoidable, unless you want to make your teen feel imprisoned. However, given my own experience, and being both younger and via my job, being more technically-informed than the average mumsnetter or fellow school mum, I am constantly amazed at how many parents are either very blasé or very naive about what 10 year olds can get up to and into while gaming or 'researching' .

"Side note, but there is plenty of research to show that exposing children to alcohol at younger ages is correlated with more teen drinking, not less."

It's done under controlled conditions, now just left to help themselves 😂 I think they will be okay.

and being both younger and via my job, being more technically-informed than the average mumsnetter or fellow school mum

How on earth can you make that assumption or correlation? You think very highly of yourself.

No yanbu.
If my child had full mobility I'd take her with me on the long walks and bike rides. She's not able to walk miles and refuses to try again on a bike since her ops (she cycled fine before).
In the absence of anything else apart from baking, schoolwork and odd chores, screen time is what she does. Far too much but weather's been crap, she's physically a little lazy, covid etc so yes, if your kids can do more then limit their screens.

You are their parent. No one else's parenting decisions are relevant. I think you could be a bit more generous, but I also think that those children who are on screens as much as they like will be storing up much bigger problems later in life.

I also think it's fine to allow an 11yo a bit more freedom (still within bounds) than a 7yo.

@IndecentFeminist

and being both younger and via my job, being more technically-informed than the average mumsnetter or fellow school mum

How on earth can you make that assumption or correlation? You think very highly of yourself.

No, but I am confident in my knowledge here because like I said my job is technical, and includes work that is relevant to internet safety. There are many mumsnetters who are far more informed about education, or public health, or millions of other things, either via their jobs, or personal interest. I'm clueless on home learning threads, or style and beauty, or house renovations, but this stuff I know.

I'd assume I'm younger than average because I had DC in my early 20s and the majority of posters here (though of course not all), when they reveal ages, are older than that. The reason I think it's relevant is that someone who grew up using the internet themselves from the age of 11 and spends a lot of their time.looking at how people use technology has a different perspective from someone who first used it at uni.

YANBU. My kids don't have tablets and have to ask permission every time to play anything on any device or turn on the telly. Otherwise it becomes a free for all and there is no limits anymore, as they would think anything is allowed at any time. They will spend the rest of their lives on digital devices anyway but childhood is much too short and I impose other things, mainly outdoor but if not possible then indoor. They have some many things they don't even play with, ultimately all the want is company to play with. Their childhood goes quickly and you are acting reasonably. They will ALWAYS be better off playing other things (cards, legos, board games, sport, with each other, other children, you or ALONE) than watching TV, regardless how "educational". At the end of the day, YOU need to decide what's right for them, only you know them truly. It is ok to know what others do in their house but don't let other people decide for you!

Your home your children your rules - I think it is your ex who is the baddie here, disrespecting your rules - maybe he can't be bothered to entertain them himself but I question his child rearing ability - stick to what you believe to be right

If limited screen time seems the right thing to YOU then don't worry about it! What happens at dad's house is irrelevant .
I've always gone with my gut with my Ds, even if it meant I was the only parent saying no .

I think you are on the right track TBH! A few weeks ago a Mum was saying that her sons spend every waking hour on theirs! I would carry on as you are doing!