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Original poster

Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

309 replies

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 07:58

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

OP posts:
KeyboardWorriers · 07/03/2021 11:16

It's all about balance. And it isn't controlling to make sure your children have that balance
I am happy to let mine have time playing video games/on screens but I also wouldn't want that to be their whole childhood. I make sure they spend lots of time outside too, climbing trees or messing around in streams. And at home when they know they aren't having screens till later they.get on with all kinds of other activities- imaginary play, building dens, drawing, play. fighting, board games, baking...

As a parent I do think it is our job to ensure there is a balance in how their time is spent. Too much screen time means losing out on all the other fun of childhood

crimsonlake · 07/03/2021 11:18

I agree it is not about calling it 'controlling', but 'parenting'
Mine are grown up now but during the school week gaming was limited to an hour a day on alternative days each between the two of them. Weekends obviously were much more relaxed.
Neither of them had a tv in their bedrooms until their teens either as all that does is encourage them to isolate themselves in their rooms from a very young age.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2021 11:30

I was a child who read all the time. I didn't do any activities like Brownies, just wanted to read. We had a dog so would get my exercise walking him. But I was a very solitary child, so although reading is seen as a good thing is it any better than playing a computer game when you can socialise with your friends. Also will depend on what you are reading, as a young teenager I read absolute rubbish!

Making sure your child takes part in many after school activities can also be very controlling. It will be interesting to see how many families drop some of the activities their children were doing pre COVID. I think many parents have not missed the rushing around after school dropping children here, there and everywhere.

I am involved in a children's club and we have had a few parents say their children won't be coming back once we can open again, and I think that is the reason, they want an evening off from rushing around.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 07/03/2021 12:09

@Sunhoop

I always had my nose in a book as a child, but no one forced me to choose another activity because i'd been reading for too long.

But reading is good for children, screens are not so it's not the same thing at all really.

I'm not sure it's this simple - some screen time has benefits eg problem solving in games, socially connecting through games, educational programmes or even just watching tv shows about friendships etc
FireflyRainbow · 07/03/2021 12:11

Yabu op just relax and let them enjoy themselves.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 07/03/2021 12:12

DS (8) has free reign over what he does in his free time as long as what needs to be done is done (homework, reading, his chores) - this includes

Xbox (with us for games and with his school friends)

Books - fiction and non fiction

Board games - with us and all sorts of games (trivial persuit/rummykub/uno and game of life being his faves)

Outdoor play - football/tennis in the park, playing in the garden, walks etc

Coding - loves his Sphero ball

Nerf battles

Lego

As long as he's choosing a variety of these I'm happy. I'd start to prompt him in certain directions if one of his chosen activities started to exclude all the others (ie, screen time started to take over).

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/03/2021 12:14

Screens can be excellent. It is Luddism to think otherwise.

www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/53740172

Topsoil · 07/03/2021 12:54

I think the issue with screen based activities and, to some extend with reading certain types of books, is that they provide instant gratification. The brain gets used to this and children end up being much less able to tolerate waiting for things or working through dull stuff to get a desired outcome. Watch The Social Network on Netflix. Games, social media, they all compete for our attention, our attention is the commodity, that's why many of these products are free. I am a great believer in 'all things in moderation', reading, playing, spending time outdoors, learning skills through hobbies and gaming or engaging with SM these all have a place in modern life. But don't be fooled, screen based activities are designed to hook you so it will always be the easier option.

VestaTilley · 07/03/2021 13:02

YANBU. Without parental guidance DC can easily drift in to loads of TV or tablet time etc- I really don’t think it’s good for them.

My DS is too little to worry about this, but even now I make sure we go out in the morning and the afternoon, just so he’s not asking for the TV too much. He’s not allowed iPhone or tablet time at all, and doesn’t ask for it as he doesn’t see us with devices. I’m planning on keeping this up for as long as I can.

Children do need space and free time but I worry creativity and their imaginations are being so hampered by endless screen time.

One of our DNephews is 4; his speech was delayed, he’s not that ahead and he isn’t really very articulate. He is on an iPad all the time...

I won’t apologise for trying not to let my own DS go down the same path.

RETIREDandHAPPY · 07/03/2021 13:10

Honestly I think you are doing the right thing to limit screen time. It is addictive and can completely take over by the time they are teens. It can be very difficult to set limits when they are older and need to study for exams. Also the internet can lead to problems for teenagers...seeking "likes" and becoming consumed with how they look, or getting bullied or manipulated. Many parents will have regrets by then.
Much better to encourage spending time together, being active outdoors and playing with siblings and friends.
Yes, it's easier to use screens to entertain your children, but it is not good for them.
An hour of screen time each day if homework and chores are complete is reasonable , I think, especially in winter. It prevents them feeling deprived and different from their mates. But continue focusing on better ways to enjoy their free time.

Same4Walls · 07/03/2021 13:10

Children do need space and free time but I worry creativity and their imaginations are being so hampered by endless screen time.

Like I said previously though not all screen time hampers creativity and imagination and to think like this is pretty narrow minded.

How is building an entire world you've thought of an designed on minecraft worse for creativity than for example following lego instructions or reading a formulaic book such as the rainbow magic fairy ones?

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 13:15

Of course most parents "control" their kids free time, as they should.

What parent hasn't told their kids to "go and play outside", or "go and do something outside" when they are older?

I do think minecraft and video games are a complete waste of time, but still allow them. I even allow my kids to do some homework on them.

But by banning games during the week, I redirect them outside (they like to build stuff, there's a few "tree houses" at various stages, and ball games are good exercise) and teach them to become independent and entertain themselves when they want to come in.

Wandamakestoast · 07/03/2021 13:17

@CrunchyBiscs

Posters need to state the ages of their DCs. Saying DCs happily put down their screens to play with their toys sounds fine but I doubt that will happen when they are group gaming in their teens.
I agree, it’s very different talking about a 6 year old and a 14 year old!
Wandamakestoast · 07/03/2021 13:23

I do think minecraft and video games are a complete waste of time, but still allow them. I even allow my kids to do some homework on them.
Well I think that’s a matter of personal opinion. Personally I find watching football on TV a complete waste of time, but I understand that other people enjoy it... surely many leisure activities could be classed as a waste of time?

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 13:23

You can still ban consoles for a 14 years old! The discussion is different, but the result is the same.

A 14 year old has a lot less free time anyway.

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 13:25

@Wandamakestoast

I do think minecraft and video games are a complete waste of time, but still allow them. I even allow my kids to do some homework on them. Well I think that’s a matter of personal opinion. Personally I find watching football on TV a complete waste of time, but I understand that other people enjoy it... surely many leisure activities could be classed as a waste of time?
true, but I am more in favour of physical activities. I really struggle with the idea of sitting down for hours doing nothing.

Of course mine read, but it doesn't feel as bad. I agree it's personal.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2021 13:42

Is sitting down playing Minecraft for an hour different to an hour sitting down playing Lego, especially if you are interacting with your friends whilst playing Minecraft?

OverTheRubicon · 07/03/2021 13:42

@Same4Walls

I've read the whole thread and am very confused that so many posters want their children to not play on screens because they want them to be more imaginative or creative. Do these posters not understand that many games such as minecraft and the sims for example offer way more options for creativity than reading a book or followimg instructions to build a lego set??
I think that Minecraft does, though I'm not such a big fan of the Sims, it's a lot more limited and very hard to put away, in my experience.

The issue to me with games is how addictive they become, so it's hard for most kids, and adults too, to put them down and do something else. I don't think TV is better quality screen time than a game, but my kids do often wander off after one or two 22 minute episodes, but they'll happily play hours on hours on whatever game is in front of them, and then be in a filthy mood or arguing for more game time afterwards. Social media can be similar.

That's why I think that parental limits can be important.

Bicnod · 07/03/2021 13:48

[quote ihearttc]@Bicnod

His phone switches off after 30 minutes? And that’s it for the day? What happens if a friend messaged him out of that designated time?[/quote]
He replies to them the next day... He's 11 so doesn't really need to respond quickly/spend hours communicating with his friends outside of school. This will obviously change as he gets older, but he will mature as he gets older and be able to manage his own time more effectively.

If he's chatting to friends and runs out of time I can just add more time. If he's used up all his time and wants to call/message a friend I can just add more time. I don't mind him using the phone to communicate with his friends (that's why we bought it for him) but I don't want to give him unlimited time which would allow him to sit there mindlessly scrolling through YouTube videos...

DS is mostly fine about it. He understands that he doesn't have the best impulse control (he's 11 - not many 11 year olds do) and he doesn't want to spend his life on his phone. In fact, we had a complete screen detox for 4 days over half-term (no phones, no computers, no TV, no games console) and he recognised that he was much happier when he didn't have to 'worry' about his phone (his words).

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 13:53

the problem is they already spend so many hours in front of a screen for homeschooling, or just for homework after school. It doesn't feel right to add to it.

After you spend 8 or 10 hours at work in front of your computer, would you really recommend another screen at home?

I have also seen many parents complaining about behaviour if their children play too many video games or too long.

Ellpellwood · 07/03/2021 13:53

@ineedaholidaynow

Is sitting down playing Minecraft for an hour different to an hour sitting down playing Lego, especially if you are interacting with your friends whilst playing Minecraft?
They're supposed to be spending an hour practising the cello or perfecting their tennis serve. Wink
goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 13:58

They're supposed to be spending an hour practising the cello or perfecting their tennis serve.

it's funny you cannot have an opinion about something without being immediately accused of being a pretentious social climber...

SpnBaby1967 · 07/03/2021 14:02

When we first had the kids playing on consoles i was really restrictive. Only one hour after school twice a week and no more than 2 hours a day at weekends.

But the more I restricted the more the consoles became this fabled out of reach holy grail and once on it became impossible to get them off and it became a battle ground.

One summer holiday I gave in, couldn't stand the arguing anymore and for about 2 weeks they were on them constantly (I have 3 kids) from dawn till bedtime and I remember cringing about it.

But what happened was naturally, once it wasnt restricted they began to self regulate their usage. Slowly they started using it less, started drawing and going out to play more. Balance returned back into our lives and it was honestly a revelation.

I now realise I should have trusted them more.

Ellpellwood · 07/03/2021 14:04

@goodbyelenin

They're supposed to be spending an hour practising the cello or perfecting their tennis serve.

it's funny you cannot have an opinion about something without being immediately accused of being a pretentious social climber...

It wasn't aimed specifically at anyone actually. Interesting interpretation though.
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