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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

309 replies

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 07:58

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

OP posts:
bemusedmoose · 08/03/2021 18:19

if they have done their home work, tidy up any mess they make and do a chore then their free time is their own in my house.

I dont agree with constant screen time but they should have a choice - it is their down time after all. They need to make choices, it's part of learning.

So although i agree to limiting screen time i think they should have more freedom about how they get to spend their time (ie max time on a screen per day for doing all their work ie 30 mins - 1 hr in the evening then the rest they can play anything else) I think limiting them to a small window one day a week is bit harsh. But it's your family and if it works for you keep it that way.

I was much tougher with my first but once the second was old enough to play it became tougher to police (they teamed up and shared their time to get double the time!! Smart little buggers). It's easier to keep strict standards than it is to reinstate them after you have relaxed them! So if you are happy dont let what others do sway you.

Prinzy · 08/03/2021 18:22

i fear TV and video games are a primary reason for lazyness and unrealstic expectations for many children. it also causes eyesight problems, memory loss, headaches such a plethora of things.

modern life or not, there is no shame in breaki g away from the norm, personally i think you are doing a fantastic service

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 08/03/2021 18:59

Having boundaries is good.
Being obsessively controlling is not.
I would personally allow it more than once a week but my daughter isn’t obsessed. She gets 1.5 hours of screen time on a school day. But, if she’s had a bad day she can have as much as we want.

I’d be horrified if I found myself whincing at my children being allowed to turn the TV on without asking!!

I provide lots of opportunities for different things and my daughter just does them through choice. We go for walks, have an allotment, we bake, we listen to audiobooks, we check out DIY science experiments etc etc etc. We also have TV series we enjoy watching together!

Boomer84 · 08/03/2021 19:38

Oh god you sound like the fun police. Each to thier own, some might say mine has too much screen time...but his grades are good, he’s a polite boy and most importantly he’s happy.

HavelockVetinari · 08/03/2021 19:43

@AaronPurr

I think a child's free time should be spent how they want. Imposing limits on specific days and times to play games and watch TV is in my opinion very controlling.
Ludicrous comment. My DC would love to watch screens 5 hours a day and eat nothing but chips and chocolate. I don't allow this, not because I'm controlling but because I'm a parent.

Using screens as babysitters is shite parenting if you do it for hours every day.

HavelockVetinari · 08/03/2021 19:46

@blowinahoolie

As long as chores are done, homework done, been out for fresh air with friends, then they can do whatever they like. Almost 14yo and my 10yo also get the odd shandy too. Being too rigid with rules only makes them go daft later on.
You let a ten-year-old have alcohol?! OK then.

Parent of the year, right here.

blowinahoolie · 08/03/2021 19:52

"You let a ten-year-old have alcohol?! OK then.

Parent of the year, right here."

It's in a controlled environment with minimal amount of alcohol, mainly lemonade. You can also get ready made shandy in cans believe it or not. It's not exactly loading your kids with spirits 🙄

blowinahoolie · 08/03/2021 19:54

My 13yo has been sitting looking at a screen day in day out to complete online lessons and coursework! If he doesn't, he is marked absent from school. You can't police absolutely everything they do. Sometimes screens are a necessity at the moment.

Original poster
IheartSundays · 08/03/2021 19:59

I’d be horrified if I found myself whincing at my children being allowed to turn the TV on without asking!!

You have completely misunderstood that comment in the op. I have re read and think it's clear what I was saying but in any case I explained it further earlier in the thread.

OP posts:
goodbyelenin · 08/03/2021 20:10

@blowinahoolie

"You let a ten-year-old have alcohol?! OK then.

Parent of the year, right here."

It's in a controlled environment with minimal amount of alcohol, mainly lemonade. You can also get ready made shandy in cans believe it or not. It's not exactly loading your kids with spirits 🙄

you what now!?

Only on MN do you find a poster trying to make it perfectly normal to start giving alcohol to a 10 year old 😂 😂

You also, sensibly, give them a couple of puff on your fag, so it's in a controlled environment too! FFS, I despair, some people might even be for real

HavelockVetinari · 08/03/2021 20:26

@goodbyelenin thank goodness! I thought I was going mad there, and that maybe I and literally everyone I know were the weird ones in not supplying young children with alcohol!

Hushhush89 · 08/03/2021 20:31

Not at all controlling. During school terms my girls are only aloud their switches/xbox Fridays-Sundays and they get between 1-2 hours. If they had the choice they would be on it every day all day. During holidays they do get to go on them more but still for same amount of time per day and they have to earn it, bad behaviour and they will lose it (like my oldest has just learnt) they have phones too but again they get limited time on them per evening (brought after 1st lockdown when school times all changed and they started waking themselves in)

Original poster
IheartSundays · 08/03/2021 20:35

Showing my age but the shandy thing made me laugh because I recall well a lovely cold can of Top Deck in the summers of my childhood.

OP posts:
Supermum29 · 08/03/2021 20:36

I too agree that limiting screen time is wise but I don’t police it heavily. My DD is 9 and would be glued to her tablet/iPod if she was allowed. After school until dinner is free time (no homework here as her school day is longer), she will usually FaceTime friends/play a game. But after dinner then it’s no tech. Weekends she will have them while I do housework/get showered etc. Typically of a weekend she’d be at gymnastics and we’d be out with family but obviously we’re not doing that just now so she is on it more but given the circumstances there isn’t much also she can do to connect with friends, as an only child I feel this is essential for her. I do also regularly check what she is accessing on you tube etc. though.

Arrowheart · 08/03/2021 20:41

@Ellpellwood

Also, I hate the term "screens". It's so dismissive. Building stuff on Minecraft, playing Lego Harry Potter, reading on a Kindle, playing games on a CBBC/CBeebies app, video calling family. All of these have benefits.
Agree
HavelockVetinari · 08/03/2021 20:42

@IheartSundays

Showing my age but the shandy thing made me laugh because I recall well a lovely cold can of Top Deck in the summers of my childhood.
Top Deck is (was?) non-alcoholic!
Original poster
IheartSundays · 08/03/2021 20:48

No! Pretty sure it had a tiny bit of alcohol. That was the thrill.

OP posts:
Merryweather80 · 08/03/2021 20:55

I limit it for my 7 and 9-year-olds. They watch tv or have their tablets for half an hour to an hour while I finish off cooking. At weekends they have a film and an hour of tablet time if they have behaved.
To be honest in the summer months when they have the choice of being outside they don't bother with the tv or tablets and use their bikes, scooters, skates or help with the garden /animals etc. The younger one very often puts her tablet away to come and help in the kitchen even if its putting the washing on the rack to dry and not necessarily cooking she would rather do that.
By the time they get home it's 340 and then homework etc there isn't much time left really. We eat, clear up together, quick shower, story free reading and asleep by 730 as we're up at 630! I don't think children of any age should spend long periods on screens. It's really not healthy.

Sadnangry · 08/03/2021 21:03

So I might be too lax but... as long as they’ve done their homework, their jobs around the house and attended (albeit virtually) all of their clubs (guitar lessons, taekwando, acting classes) I let them do what they want mine are 13 and 10

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 08/03/2021 21:06

My two eldest boys are 8 and almost 12. I limit their time based on how it affects them tbh. Each parent has to assess what’s good for their kids. Mon-Thurs no gaming at all. Occasionally for good behaviour or similar I’ll allow them an hour or 2 after school. Fri after school they have 2 hours and of a weekend they aren’t particular limited, but we do ask them to come off games a few hours to help tidy up/go outside for some fresh air and exercise/do homework etc.

I found when they were gaming during the week their attitudes were awful, they wouldn’t listen and they would fight with one another constantly. Just not good for their brains to be on games all the time. I don’t limit their time on YouTube particularly so they do get their fix. But the actual playing of games is what tips them over the edge. They don’t have any devices on a school morning either or they don’t concentrate on getting ready.

My youngest is 5 and he is autistic. He is the exception to the rule. Luckily his gaming needs are very low level. He watched mainly YouTube kids videos about animals and things. We hide it out of sight if he needs time away from it. Rules for him are different but our other two understand that.

I think both parents do need to be on the same page though. Gaming shouldn’t be used as an excuse to just not have to interact with children. Especially at the moment. And believe me, there are MANY times I wish I could just use that time to fill with gaming instead of having to put my foot down 😬🙈 But the negatives far outweigh the positives in my situation.

sunnyzweibrucken · 08/03/2021 21:10

i never monitored my dd's screen time. however she preferred to play outside than watch tv or play video games. she usually watched tv/played video games about 2 hours a day during the week and maybe 3/4 hours on the weekends. she watched much more tv/played games in her teens when she stopped playing outside. but she still graduated at the top of her class, so i think it depends on the child.

blowinahoolie · 08/03/2021 21:19

@IheartSundays

No! Pretty sure it had a tiny bit of alcohol. That was the thrill.
What? You mean like shandy? Tiny bit of alcohol?🤔
Original poster
IheartSundays · 08/03/2021 21:22

Top Deck is/was shandy!!

OP posts:
blowinahoolie · 08/03/2021 21:24

"You also, sensibly, give them a couple of puff on your fag, so it's in a controlled environment too! FFS, I despair, some people might even be for real"

Nope, I don't smoke 🙂 the shandy is only in very occasional times, not a regular thing (even if it's miniscule amounts of alcohol!). I rarely drink anyway, same with DH, but no harm in shandy. Hardly giving children irreversible liver damage 🙄

blowinahoolie · 08/03/2021 21:25

@IheartSundays

Top Deck is/was shandy!!
Never heard of it 😆 thanks for enlightening me. You learn something new every day 🍻