AIBU to send a 2.5 year old to bed hungry?

[AuntVictoria]

DS is 2.5 and has become increasingly fussy, to the point that he will only eat bread and humous for dinner. He is fairly fussy in general but not as bad for other meals - he eats a wide variety of fruit but little veg, plenty of carbs and dairy, but very little meat / eggs and so little protein. We have recently realised that DS is 99th centile for weight with his BMI, so are currently overhauling all of our diets and portion control as this is obviously a huge concern.

We're now being much stricter about insisting DS at least tries his dinner, but he hasn't eaten more than a tiny mouthful all week. I hate the idea of him going to bewad hungry, so after his bath will let him have some bread and humous. DH wants to instigate a rule that he eats his dinner or nothing. Who is being unreasonable?

I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on centiles. My ds was always over 90th for weight and height despite my family being midgets. He grew into a skinny teenager but with a good BMI and still is a normal weight young adult.
Also pressure on a toddler to eat what you want him to eat forbdinner will only end with one winner and it won’t be you. Just set the food out and let him graze. If he asks for bread at supper time I would still give him a small amount but only enough so he’s not hungry and not stuffing with it. Maybe offer some at dinner instead so he can choose between bread and dinner. He’ll get what he needs

Your DH is being unreasonable, you shouldn't send a child to bed hungry and you shouldn't make mealtimes into a battle.

DS sees a dietician for ARFID, I'm happy to share the advice? The advice from DS dietician is:

• at every meal offer 1-2 'safe' foods that you know will almost always be eaten, bread and hummous in your case, so that there is never 'nothing' to eat

• serve meals "family style" if you can where the food is in the middle of the table and everyone puts their own food onto their own plate, might be difficult with a two year old but I'm sure he could choose which components he wants and you could serve them onto his plate?

• never force, beg, persuade, bribe, bargain, or plead for the child to "just have a taste" or for them to "eat three more bites" or "eat all of those vegetables"

• serve the meal, allow a reasonable amount of time for it to be eaten (30-40 minutes is more than enough), and then remove it at the end without comment

• the main meal of the day (tea, for us) should be two courses, the main meal and a plain dessert such as yoghurt or fruit. Both courses are served at the same time and neither is conditional on the other, you can leave all of your main and still have your apple, you can even eat the apple first if you like. The idea is that the child gets enough calories across the two courses, it also removes the idea of there being strings attached to certain foods

• never use food as a reward or a punishment, don't dish up a rejected meal at a later stage, don't make a child stay at the table until a specific amount of food is eaten, basically don't create links between behaviour and food

• if nothing, or very little, is eaten at a meal then try and stretch to the next mealtime. If the child seems very hungry or its a long time until the next meal (e.g., overnight until breakfast) then a little while after the rejected meal (30-60 mins) pffer a basic snack such as toast, fruit, cheese and crackers, etc

Unless your child's weight is at what DS paediatrician calls "intervention stage" then there isn't a need to try and make him lose weight, intervention stage was given to me as below 2nd centile or over 99th centile. The idea should be to try and maintain his weight so that he grows into it, e.g. a weight that is 90th centile for a 2yo might only be 75th centile for a 3yo and 50th centile for a 4yo. The aim is to flatten his growth curve rather than lower it, if that makes sense?

Haha sounds harsh written down - that's because it's awful and I think you know that.

Just give him bread & hummus. Add a few veggies & fruit along with it to tempt him. Kids sometimes go through these phases, doesn't last forever. My daughter went through a period of only eating bread & cold beans, she had it for breakfast dinner & tea for about 3 months!. 15yrs later she has a good appetite (she does still have cold beans & bread occasionally

We are taking this opportunity to overhaul all of our diets…I am conscious that I really want to create healthy habits for DS and DD now.

That's a good set of intentions for your family, OP. Good Luck either achieving your goals

Thats fucked up if you ask me!!!

I wouldn't provide a full portion of the bread and hummus, he will simply continue to fill up on it.

I would make it a component of the meal but alongside other things.

Massive overreaction to the people saying its horrific to offer up the same food to a child an hour later if they complain they are hungry. We send children to school with packed lunches prepared 4 hours earlier. As adults DHs portion dinner is often set aside and reheated if he's busy worked. Leftovers don't immediately congeal and become inedible, its wasteful to throw away perfectly good food.

Jesus. The thought of PPs daughter - whatever her age (and it can't be that old if there's only an hour between dinner and bed!) - sitting in silence in the dark eating cold dinner that she doesn't like has really upset me.

It's reminded me of one of the saddest stories my DGM told me about her childhood. She grew up during rationing, they never had enough food (her mother ate full meals and kids went without, she was horrid). If they had something foul like tripe that they didn't eat they were served it cold at every subsequent meal until they ate it.

It's abusive and completely unacceptable.

Agree with the safe foods stuff. However if she's not eaten her tea or eaten very little we offer an alternative of plain natural yogurt and would probably do milk at bedtime too x

Ffs, being “overweight” is not a reason to send a 2 year old to bed hungry.
YABU to send your toddler (or any child in my view) to bed hungry.

Massive overreaction to the people saying its horrific to offer up the same food to a child an hour later if they complain they are hungry.
It’s the part where she has to eat it in silence in the dark that people are rightly objecting to. She’s a little girl being horribly punished for something she doesn’t understand.

@PotatoesPastaAndBread

We have the rule that is "dinner and no alternative". But if dinner is refused then at bed time "I'm hungry", that's ok, but dd gets what's left of her dinner in the dark in silence in her bedroom. Haha sounds harsh written down. There's usually only an hour or so between dinner and bed. Also over time, she's started to understand and now eats better at dinner time.

Fuck me, are you an evil guardian from Grimm's tales?

I read some game-changing advice on here when one of mine started being incredibly fussy. Instead of trying to coax and encourage them to try new things, which was making it worse, I always made sure there was something they liked on the plate. It seemed to make the newness/variety of the rest less provoking. Eventually more things were tried and, even more eventually, eaten. I think that awful post about the girl being forced to eat the remains in the dark in silence really brings home that there is a long game here. We want to raise children who have lifelong good relationships with food.

@AuntVictoria

Thanks for everyone's comments. Personally I also also balk at sending a small child to bed hungry - but we have clearly gone wrong somewhere as DS is overweight, so wanted others opinions.

To PP, yes, DH and I have a BMI of 28 so are overweight plus I still have ten pounds of baby weight to lose even though DD is 7 months. We are taking this opportunity to overhaul all of our diets - personally portion control is my main issue and I think I have been giving DS too big portions too. I am conscious that I really want to create healthy habits for DS and DD now.

It’s really good that you are looking at all of your diets.

I found it’s very easy to mix up a child who is fussy with one who genuinely isn’t that hungry. Likewise a child who is bored with one who is hungry. As well as the diet overhaul, could you look at what activities you do to get you out and about as a distraction from boredom snacking spoiling mealtimes?

@foxythefox that is so helpful, thank you.

DS will usually have weetabix with whole milk (switched to semi) and a banana for breakfast, marmite on toast or a cheese sandwich for lunch with a pear / orange / similar, strawberries grapes and raspberries when he wakes from his nap. He was drinking a lot of milk but we've cut this down now. He doesn't have snacks or treats at home but I have to admit they have been on the increase when out, not every day but too often - usually rice cakes or dried fruit, but sometimes an ice cream or toddler crisps. Overall the snacks definitely tip us into too much food.

Are you at home with him at the moment or is he at nursery? My 3 yo DS is quite skinny for his height, but I find that he asks for snacks, especially biscuits, a lot more if we're home and he's a bit bored and inactive. Whereas if we're out and about, he's much less bothered for and fussy about snacks. So we'll go for a long walk over lunch and take carrot sticks and celery with us, alongside chicken sandwiches and a bit of cheese, and he's happy with that - whereas at home he's much more fussy.

It might be a good idea to keep a food diary for a few days to get an overall picture of what your DS is eating, and make sure he's getting enough protein and not too much sugar or empty calories.

We have the rule that is "dinner and no alternative". But if dinner is refused then at bed time "I'm hungry", that's ok, but dd gets what's left of her dinner in the dark in silence in her bedroom. Haha sounds harsh written down. There's usually only an hour or so between dinner and bed. Also over time, she's started to understand and now eats better at dinner time

Wow nothing has ever made me feel So sick.
I hope your child tells her teacher what happens at bedtime.
it’s not ‘harsh’, it’s sickening, i feel for your child how sad they must have felt/feel.
I really hope you have a wake up call here.

Weatherwax

You are viewing it through your own experience.

My DS has form for demanding something completely random 5 mins before dinner, and then sulking that I dont even have it in the house, let alone cooked. He will then sulking refuse the dinner (a meal that's usually a favourite). He will often then sheepishly request to eat it after bath when he's got over being 4.

He's little. Give him a sandwich at least. Poor boy.

What is he eating throughout rest of the day ? If its plenty can he not just have his bread and hunmus at dinner time, maybe some chopped veg to dip in and bit if fruit for after, see if he may just try a mouthful of your dinner for new tastes and flavours

We have the rule that is "dinner and no alternative". But if dinner is refused then at bed time "I'm hungry", that's ok, but dd gets what's left of her dinner in the dark in silence in her bedroom. Haha sounds harsh written down.

It doesn’t just sound harsh. I know plenty of people will only re-offer the dinner but is there any reason beyond pointless cruelty it needs to be in the dark?

Young children often turn down food they like perfectly well because they are being silly,sulky etc. Its bonkers not offering it up later!

Cutted up pear, anyone?

Hummus is a good plant based protein for him. How about nuts and yoghurt as other sources? One of my kids is a brilliant eater and the other is v fussy!

I think you're worrying too much about BMI - you're worried because it's your issue and you want to make sure he will be healthy, and I totally get that. But you are worrying too much.

I might start buying hummus with red pepper mixed in (lots of them are), or encouraging him to dip things like sugar snap peas or pepper or carrot sticks in it. But I think it's probably more important he sees you eating and enjoying these things? It's really normal that they go through a fussy stage at this age. It's even thought to be a developmental adaptation - they're suddenly becoming suspicious about food, which back when we were animals, would have been a sensible strategy - once you're weaned, you need to start thinking about whether or not something is good to eat!

Can you get him involved in food prep? Or even grow some veg in the summer, or some mustard cress? I know it sounds a bit earnest but I think it does make a difference. In normal times you could take him to the supermarket and get him to pick a fun 'new' thing to eat - I don't know if that's at all doable now?

Yes the being in the dark is weird I grant you.