DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

So he has ADHD. He's still an adult and should be able to manage more than that, which does sound more like a practical lesson in growing your own learned helplessness.

Quick chat? Or whatever works best.

Sounds like a pretty normal day if you've got ADHD. He does need to do it though. Can you get him to agree a day when it will be up?

He managed to concentrate long enough to make dc...
He needs to get the fucking shed built...
Or suggests hiring a hunky handy man...

I was going to say this sounds like my partner who has ADHD when they're not managing it well so that makes sense to me - definitely not lazy, and sounds like a normal day in the life of ADHD if it's not managed properly.

I'd have put the shed up together, and then done the beds together.
Putting up a shed is a 2 person job imo.

If this was my DH and me, we would build the shed together and also share out the rest of the household tasks. Is there any reason you needed to make a cake rather than giving him a hand? It would go a lot quicker with 2 people sharing the work.

But then I don't necessarily believe in gender separated roles. I am equally capable of helping erect a shed, and DH is equally capable of changing a bed.

I have a partner like this. I outsource everything practical now. He is absolutely unable to organise himself to do any of it. Once I accepted that, and got people in instead, it was fine.

Guess he is going to have a fairly shit Sunday then.

Though I'm kind of the opinion that building something like probably needs two people and your kids must be small if they can't sort their own school bags out, so presumably can't hold a side or whatever.

I'm an outsourcer of shit I want done by a certain time. Or I do it myself. DH is much better at baking and chivvying children in any case. It gets done and we stay married.

Seems like he manages to do the things he wants to just fine.

Would it be easier for DH to do the many smaller familiar jobs like uniforms, beds bags etc than what might feel like a big job, putting up a shed which is more of a novel task. Could you swap?

Sounds really difficult OP. It must be really exhausting doing the full mental load and trying to walk the line between kind and supportive and having appropriate boundaries and not being taken advantage of. Whatever the reason and regardless of how "culpable" DH is, you are doing more than your fair share to keep family life running smoothly and it must take its toll.

Why don’t you put up the shed together? Then do housework together, your jobs were much easier than his.

@Aquamarine1029

Seems like he manages to do the things he wants to just fine.

That is basically the definition of ADHD. You can't make yourself concentrate on things you don't want to do.

OP it sounds like following these instructions is beyond him and putting up a shed is usually about 90% easier if someone else is there to hold the panels up etc. Is there a reason why this is the hill you've decided to die on? Why isn't he on ADHD medication?

My DH has ADHD and I know your frustration. Sometimes it isn't enough for me to ask, I literally have to get involved.
When my DH is really struggling, the procrastination gets worse. Doesn't mean he's lazy.

this has clear instructions
Well he clearly doesn't seem to think so or why would he have gone on YouTube looking for help. If you can understand the instructions AND you actually care about him as a person, why don't you help him understand what to do? Why would you play such a nasty game with someone you love? I think you should leave and let him find happiness with someone who accepts him as he is.
I say this with a half-finished raised vegetable bed in my back garden because I wasn't sure how to proceed.

Can you both do all of the jobs together? Sometimes when I'm having days like this I make an agreement with my mum where we both tackle the things in my house and then we both tackle the things in her house (she doesn't need my help but I feel like I HAVE to repay the favour, which is the quickest way to make an adhd brain do something).

I can't speak for your DH but I know before lockdown I was managing okay-ish, and lockdown has absolutely played havoc with my symptoms and made them about 1000 times worse. Worth bearing in mind that times are crazy right now for everyone.

Is he currently medicated?

Well you're treating him like a child! You TOLD him he HAD to do it today. You went prepared to help him but were able to monitor the minutiae of his day!

He sounds frustrating don't get me wrong but you sound controlling.

It's Saturday. For reference I have walked the dog and sat on my arse.

Seems like he manages to do the things he wants to just fine.

Yep that's literally ADHD summed up in a single sentence 👍🏻. Yawn.

He sounds a total liability. Worse than a child.

But if you love him, you have to tolerate it.

Get someone in to build the shed- DH will be unable to do it properly, which will only lead to more frustration.

It must be very wearing having to take 99% responsibility while he meanders about happy on his 1%.

Putting up a shed is a 2 person job. Either go & help him or call on some outside help. Uniform & school bags doesn't take long. Put uniform in washer, turn on, take out, hang to dry. What are you doing with backpacks?, chuck in pencil case & pe kit. The kids could do that themselves & Dh can help you with the cleaning when you've both done the shed.

Does your DH take medication for his ADHD, was he having a day off from taking it?

sounds like classic executive dysfunction adhd - lack of ability to focus, plan and organise. but it's annoying that he spent all day NOT doing it instead of coming to you to ask to do it together - even if he has ADHD he needs to manage it.

Building a shed does need 2 people, it is a daunting task and if you are not sure of I structions even more so plus he has adhd so actually that is totally normal and. Ay e you are being a bit unfair when you know this is what he has perhaps you need to remind yourself and look up what adhd actually is plus why are baking cakes for lunch and ordering him to do the shed? Maybe you should lay out a timetable eg:10am you do 2 beds he does other 2 or if that's too difficult do it together get bags ready together or maybe that is too much for him so you get bags ready he lays out the shed on grass, next step:whatever is next step doing shed do it together finish shed together and then when you are too knackered to bake a cake/healthy lunch stuff do what everyone else does and buy a packet of ready-made.

Did you both decide the sched needed putting up today or just you?

If l ‘told’ my Dh to put the shed up at 9.00 am on a Saturday, he’d tell me to do one. If he’s putting the thing up, shouldn’t it be up to him when he puts it up.

You could have both whipped through beds and uniform in the morning.

I change our beds on rotation. 4 in a day would be too much washing!

You’re treating him like a child and that attitude would 100% put me off doing it if I was him.