DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

He’s lazy as fuck and waiting for his mummy-wife to sort his shit out for him. Sorry OP.

OP, I feel for you. My DH has ADHD too, and he’s in medicated because every med he tried he either had a lot of reactions to, or it did nothing. Our life can be an absolute shambles. It’s so hard for someone with ADHD but I do think there needs to be more understanding for a frustrated spouse. It’s a very difficult life having to be on top of absolutely everything, knowing that if you drop the ball then they all fall. That it ends with you. As much as ADHD isn’t the fault of the person with it, it’s also incredibly unfair that those who end up with someone who has it has to shoulder the burden of responsibility for the entire household. It’s lonely, it’s exhausting, and it’s unfair for other people looking in to pass judgement when you get frustrated.

You’re doing okay, OP.

*unmedicated

My ability to deal with shit like this ended about 10 years ago and I simply cannot imagine being able to live with this crap any more.
Looks like every relationship I've ever had has been with men who have ADHD. Or maybe they are just lazy.

@puppychaos

Can I just say OP that your last post, oh my goodness, resonated so much. The to do list needs to be SO specific for it to go in. I get it, but it is sometimes hard to deal with and I empathise.

Tbh I think this isn't just about the laptop/shed/whatever - it's about the long term impact. he needs to be accessing medication.

I agree. When he was in the forces his ADHD was so well controlled that he's found it hard to accept that he needs medication. But everything was scheduled, regimented, everything had a time and place. Consequences and rewards were black and white. He wasn't ever left to manage himself, and the lifestyle suited his condition perfectly. His role was a special interest so he was never wandering off in his own thoughts, it was high pressure, extremely meticulous and he relished it. But I am not his C/O, I am his wife. I cannot provide that. He has requested a meds assessment after the laptop fiasco, but anything non urgent and medical is taking time at the moment.

@Writersblock2

OP, I feel for you. My DH has ADHD too, and he’s in medicated because every med he tried he either had a lot of reactions to, or it did nothing. Our life can be an absolute shambles. It’s so hard for someone with ADHD but I do think there needs to be more understanding for a frustrated spouse. It’s a very difficult life having to be on top of absolutely everything, knowing that if you drop the ball then they all fall. That it ends with you. As much as ADHD isn’t the fault of the person with it, it’s also incredibly unfair that those who end up with someone who has it has to shoulder the burden of responsibility for the entire household. It’s lonely, it’s exhausting, and it’s unfair for other people looking in to pass judgement when you get frustrated.

You’re doing okay, OP.

Thank you. It's exactly this. I feel quite sad when I think that I'm always skating along the edge of burnout but my husband probably has no clue how much I'm taking on so he can function.

Please don't feel that way. I'm ashamed if I have made you think this. Honestly, I'm just having a bit of a moan as it's a rough time for me, and the man won't entertain the idea of someone else doing these things!

Didn’t mean to make you feel bad OP really wasn’t my intention and in my experience it’s perfectly normal to feel frustrated at times at feeling like everything is your responsibility. You’re right that many people (probably most) are very understanding and accepting about these difficulties but we often remember the times when people are mean and unforgiving, especially on a bad day.

I think you should tell him how close to burnout you are.
If he is only seeking medication to placate you he needs to understand what is at stake here.
If you burnout, apart from the impact on you, who will care for your children?
I would say nothing about the shed, or the laptop or any other bones of contention at the moment because that would just derail the conversation into blame and excuses and hurt feelings.
Say nothing about him at all, just tell him or write to him if you can't say it directly, "I am close to burning out having to manage running our home and caring for our children alone"
I'd also stop indulging some of his wants beyond a certain point.
Insisting he can build the shed himself is not an ADHD thing, unless part of the diagnosis includes stubbornness?
You organise everything else so just organise someone to build the shed.
In my marriage I am the one much more like your DH then you, so I am not unsympathetic.
I find it physically impossible, sometimes to the point of nausea, to concentrate on things I know need doing but am not interested in.
But I have no DC so when I let things go too far it's mainly only me who suffers.
If my DH is inconvenienced by my behaviour he will override me, so for eg the boxes I have put on the landing to sort and left for weeks he will put back into the attic.
I just have to accept that, my procrastination doesn't trump his desire to not bump into boxes every time he walks across the landing.

And it is a very sad fact that the divorce rate is much higher for adhd people & their partners.

But shed building is really complex in terms of being both fairly mundane, needs a logical sequence and can be fiddly and time consuming. It's an adhd nightmare. This was setting him up to fail.

Maybe apply some of the adhd strategies you use for your child to your husband. But actually it sounds to be a bigger issue of compassion fatigue & burnout.

I'd be looking at adhd relationship coaching or therapy, I think.

Apologies I've not read all of the thread...

@fryscornishdelight empathy doesn’t get stuff done and doesn’t stop OP from feeling burnt out. My mind often spins at 100 miles an hour but I still need to get through life and my fine motor skills are appalling. E.g. before l started school my mum insisted l could tie shoe laces and tie my tie. Tricky feat for a small child with dyspraxia but l did after literally thousands of attempts. But the teacher my mum appreciated couldn’t do my shoe laces and tie etc after PE. There were 30 odd other children in the class as well as me. Plus she probably didn’t want a door being opened for a world of allowances for me

My fiancé also has dyspraxia, his way of coping with life is last minute seat of pants with everything. My way is super organised with calendars, work to do list, home to do lists etc or l would never get anything done. I could organise, plan and do all of mine and my fiancé’s life. But why should l? He has to take some responsibility for his life and him self which he does most of the time thank god. OP isn’t her husbands mum and lm not my fiancé’s.

OP, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Your DH does not sound like he is being v constructive. If it is too difficult for him or he has no motivation, he should say so and should either agree to pay someone to do it OR to get rid of his tools.

God, some people on this thread.

So because the OP isn’t neurodivergent, she’s not allowed to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, burnt out and impotent...?

She’s meant to be a saint who’s always 100% understanding and accepting of her husband’s struggles, stepping in for him, and doing everything around the house herself?

And if she suggests something needs doing, she’s being ‘controlling’, acting like his mother, and completely unreasonable?

FML.

OP - you’re a much, much better person than I am. Much better.

I couldn’t live like this. I just couldn’t. So however evil you are for not being 100% understanding and accommodating, I’m quite obviously the devil incarnate.

[quote EL8888]@fryscornishdelight empathy doesn’t get stuff done and doesn’t stop OP from feeling burnt out. My mind often spins at 100 miles an hour but I still need to get through life and my fine motor skills are appalling. E.g. before l started school my mum insisted l could tie shoe laces and tie my tie. Tricky feat for a small child with dyspraxia but l did after literally thousands of attempts. But the teacher my mum appreciated couldn’t do my shoe laces and tie etc after PE. There were 30 odd other children in the class as well as me. Plus she probably didn’t want a door being opened for a world of allowances for me

My fiancé also has dyspraxia, his way of coping with life is last minute seat of pants with everything. My way is super organised with calendars, work to do list, home to do lists etc or l would never get anything done. I could organise, plan and do all of mine and my fiancé’s life. But why should l? He has to take some responsibility for his life and him self which he does most of the time thank god. OP isn’t her husbands mum and lm not my fiancé’s.[/quote]
There are lots of people on this thread who've explained why the OP's husband would struggle with the task expected. I don't really care how amazingly you've done to overcome your challenges. And I completely understand why the OPA feels burnt out. Because you said the OP's DH was probably bone idle. Thus perpetuating the belief that someone with ADHD actually has control over how they can respond to a challenge such as putting up the bloody shed. We can't just "snap out of it" FFS.

These days I will say when a task is beyond me, whether I am at work or at home. I will make it clear that a task that would take no thought or effort to a NT person is a massive challenge for me, and explain why. Because I want people to learn and understand. So thanks for your time and empathy.

Sorry you're having a shit time op. In your shoes I'd hire someone to do it for you, and sit and watch the, hopefully, hunky handyman put the shed up with a glass of wine 🍷

@MrsTerryPratchett Please can I ask what your job is? My DP has ADHD and is struggling to find a career that works for him.

@Woodspritely I work in social housing. So almost every day there is an emergency or a crisis. 15 things happening at once all the time. There's police, lawyers and child protection stuff. Plus fires, floods and anti social behaviour.

A real stressful nightmare for most people but heaven to my buzzy brain!

I think looking for a job that is exciting, different every day, lots going on is the key. And I find a little danger or risk is important. Even stress. Public speaking or whatever. Something with real deadlines as well. 'Someone might die' deadlines. I'll meet those.

So much ignorance on this thread

Have you heard if tiimo? It's an app for people with ADHD and autism.

Your husband could set it up and it might help him and by extension you...

This sounds like my DH. He has dispraxia and autism, but the description of him putting off something because he just doesn't know how to get on with it sounds familiar, or if it's not interesting to him he'll say 'in a sec' but then takes forever to actually move and do something

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]@Woodspritely I work in social housing. So almost every day there is an emergency or a crisis. 15 things happening at once all the time. There's police, lawyers and child protection stuff. Plus fires, floods and anti social behaviour.

A real stressful nightmare for most people but heaven to my buzzy brain!

I think looking for a job that is exciting, different every day, lots going on is the key. And I find a little danger or risk is important. Even stress. Public speaking or whatever. Something with real deadlines as well. 'Someone might die' deadlines. I'll meet those. [/quote]
Thank you for replying, I can see why that works for an ADHD brain. Sounds really interesting actually, I’m tempted to look at it for me!

@TeenMinusTests

I'd have put the shed up together, and then done the beds together. Putting up a shed is a 2 person job imo.

This is sensible

@fryscornishdelight l wouldn’t say l have done “amazingly”. It’s more coping strategies to get through. Unfortunately having long COVID at the moment is messing with that, as retaining a thought in my head is even harder than normal right now. My point was more OP husband needs to not leave so much to her. Today my fiancé and l had to do various (boring) tasks as we are trying to move house. We went 50/50 and sorted what we needed to, in the past he has zoned out and left me to drive stuff forward.

For clarity my perception is he is idle, not sure why you’re saying l wrote he’s bone idle

OP YANBU - it is a struggle. I have ADHD (diagnosed) probs inherited from my father (undiagnosed but we share lots of traits), and my mother has exactly the same complaint.
I see that he is waiting on medication - good - but just understand that ADHD is not a free pass to dump the burden of life on your partner. It can get overwhelming.
The benefit of a diagnosis is that you know how his brain works...and you can develop workarounds (like I have). If he does not even make the effort then you have to decide what you want to do ...

@EL8888 apologies you didn't say bone idle. You said idle. And you also mentioned procrastination.
I Will say again that the perception that someone with ADHD is "idle" is really unhelpful and needs to be challenged. And procrastination isn't a choice, it's a symptom. As you're dyspraxic i guess you may be perceived as clumsy? If so, why don't you just try to be more careful? Maybe you struggle with immediately remembering your left and right? I mean, come on, a child knows their left from right, so just try harder already!