DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

@GladysTheGroovyMule

Just to add my son (a child) has ADHD and it’s been suggested recently that I have it too. I can relate to OP’s husband quite a bit.

I find it frustrating and upsetting that so many people apparently view these traits as being “bone idle” and similar. Not so much upset for myself but for my child. He will grow and change but will always have ADHD and ASD. It’s upsetting to think that he could be thought of so negatively for something that he doesn’t have control over really.

Please don't feel that way. I'm ashamed if I have made you think this. Honestly, I'm just having a bit of a moan as it's a rough time for me, and the man won't entertain the idea of someone else doing these things!

Yes, there are people who are horrible or who don't believe ADHD exists. I go into battle for my husband and son all the time. I've cut off family for the horrible things they've said about my husband and my boy due to ADHD. I have found though that for every one person that's genuinely nasty, there are more who are genuinely supportive, even if they don't understand. I'm still learning and ADHD has been part of my world for more than a decade. I've heard worse things from adults than I ever have from kids. Kids these days are far more tolerant and open minded than any generation before them.

[quote SimonJT]@FuckingFabulous Ah thats a pain, when I’m not medicated I am sometimes signed of work as I’m fuck all use. I’ve been hospitalised before as when I’m not medicated I often fail to manage my type one diabetes.

Has he been given a rough time frame as to when his assessment will be? Medication can make a huge difference, when I’m well medicated I function really well.[/quote]
They've given him no time frame due to the vaccination programme and the state of the NHS at the moment, they said.
I'll remind him to chase it up on Monday

Just put the shed up yourself. Problem solved.

@GirlLovesWorld

I think you sound absolutely fucking awesome actually.

My best friend used to have so much trouble with her husband in this regard; eventually he was diagnosed with ADHD and they web to counselling to discuss it.

She realised that actually, she didn't want to live with someone she had to manage and they've since divorced.

You should like a superwoman to me, I admire you

Thank you 🙏

Oh god OP you were the lost laptop poster!
I remember.
If it helps, I share your pain , I have two ND people (DH and DD) in the house and getting anything done is a constant worry.
Most of the time, I manage as their "executive function" as needed, but omg sometimes I just want to cry.
I didn't sign up for this, all those years ago when I married an apparently NT DH. Sometimes suspect I was his special interest, until he actually married me.

Just put the shed up yourself. Problem solved.

The op should just do absolutely everything then? If he was struggling with the shed, that's fine, he could have said so and then they could have made a plan to tackle it together. Why then didn't he come inside and help his wife with the multitude of other things that needed to be done? Instead he chose to fuck around playing games, wandering about, playing with the dog, whinging, eating cake, and browsing Amazon. This story has a lot more to it than just him having ADHD. It's no wonder the op is at the end of her tether.

Omg I remember the lost laptop...

And yy to the pp who said you sound fucking awesome.
You do

It’s upsetting to think that he could be thought of so negatively for something that he doesn’t have control over really.

These types of threads always focus on the negatives though, so you get (uninformed but probably well meaning) posters piling on to say how he's such a lazy arse and I could never be with a manchild and (as in the case of OPs last thread) he's doing it all deliberately/ abusing you etc.

Seems like he manages to do the things he wants to just fine

Etc etc.

If it's something I want to do I'm a fucking Duracell bunny on speed crossed with a dog who won't let go of their bone. And there are ways to "trick" your brain into it being something you want to do. Something new or novel or exciting, something you're currently obsessed about, something that will help someone else, something that is ACTUALLY urgent (and not just bc OP has decided it needs to be, that doesn't work).

There are a lot of benefits to having an adhd brain, though you wouldn't know it from the majority of the threads on here. I've decorated two rooms, inc painting and papering, overnight with no help. I can tell you random facts about probably 10000 different subjects because at some point in my life, I've hyperfocused on them. I was the youngest person in my old work to make it to a managerial role because I am exceptionally good at thinking outside the box, connecting dots, letting my brain run at 100mph etc. And I'm now running a six figure business which relies completely on my own creativity.

Do I sometimes sit on my arse, staring at a wall? Yes. Do I sometimes not sleep for two days because like a child I fear I'm missing out on something - even if that something is absolutely nothing? Yes. But there are at least a few positives. It's not all about being a "lazy arse".

That sounds very hard to manage- but it does need managing, it doesn't go away by determination any more than your DDs disabilities do.

Get him to plan some strategies - that on tasks you can't be involved with, someone comes to help him, and he helps them with something in return.

He of course needs to work with you on all the other tasks as well.

Every now and then, the frustration just gets too much and you rant. Sometimes I've said things about DH, which aren't correct, but just how it made me feel at the time.
I truly adore the man, but I would be lying if I said living with someone who has ADHD is easy - and I feel for you with also trying to manage your children too.

Ah the laptop! i remember thinking at the time that i would never manage to be as lovely and calm and patient as you with your DH.

TBH I'd just say "fuck it" and get someone in to do it. Then I'd tell DH that anything that should be in the shed and isn't by X date is going in a skip. And then I'd do it.

Aside of your daughter's personal care, though, could he have done the things you were doing? I'd be happier putting up a shed than the domestic stuff, tbh.

[quote EL8888]@fryscornishdelight l have dyspraxia so l probably have more of an insight than a lot of people[/quote]
And I have ADHD. So I probably have more insight than you. Saying he sounds idle just shows a complete lack of understanding of ADHD, so having dyspraxia hasn't really helped you with the empathy, has it?

This sounds really frustrating for you but it does sound like he's struggling a bit.

Obviously you have lots and lots of experience with ADHD and don't need telling that's the issue/ I have ADHD and this sounds a lot like me, I can spend hours knowing I really need to do something and it's just impossible to get started.

Do you think you could all go in the garden and start it together, sometimes you just need a bit of rallying to get it done?

ADHD is so frustrating for everyone.

I listened to an audiobook last week that actually really helped me. It was organise 365 ADHD. It gave bits of advice to for people with ADHD to get tasks done. I have had a really productive week since listening to it? Might be worth a try?

Rather than having spent the day doing what he wishes I expect he's actually quite stressed because a task that requires lots of planning and following instructions is extremely mentally taxing for him.

The time on Facebook or with the dog is him trying to get his brain in gear. He might not even be enjoying it and I bet he feels quite anxious about what lies ahead.

Might be quicker and less stressful for both of you to help him. Play to each other's strengths and work as a team.

If he was struggling with the shed, that's fine, he could have said so and then they could have made a plan to tackle it together.

He did say so.

Putting up even a small simple shed is a two person job. You should do it together.

@Brefugee

Ah the laptop! i remember thinking at the time that i would never manage to be as lovely and calm and patient as you with your DH.

TBH I'd just say "fuck it" and get someone in to do it. Then I'd tell DH that anything that should be in the shed and isn't by X date is going in a skip. And then I'd do it.

Aside of your daughter's personal care, though, could he have done the things you were doing? I'd be happier putting up a shed than the domestic stuff, tbh.

He'd probably have done less. As an example, I was in hospital with DD recently and texted him (by request) what needed doing. I decided it would be less stress all round to just request the bare minimum.

-Put the clean washing in the dryer
-Put the next load of washing on

• don't forget to make lunch
• Heat up the lasagne in the fridge for dinner
• Put DS5 to bed at 7:30

We got in at 9:30pm. The washing was in the dryer, but the dryer hadn't been switched on. The washing was in the machine, but that's it. It hadn't been turned on either. Mercifully, since he'd stuffed both loads of washing into it and overloaded it. He didn't forget to make lunch, but it was cereal. He heated up the entire lasagne rather than the portions I had pre cut and threw away half of it because "it had been heated up, you can't put that back in the fridge." And DS was asleep in bed in his jeans and hoodie. But he'd ticked off everything on the list, so as far as he was concerned, he'd saved me a job.

I was just going to ask if you were laptop poster.

The replies were much different then. Keep doing what you're doing OP

@jobsagudden

This sounds really frustrating for you but it does sound like he's struggling a bit.

Obviously you have lots and lots of experience with ADHD and don't need telling that's the issue/ I have ADHD and this sounds a lot like me, I can spend hours knowing I really need to do something and it's just impossible to get started.

Do you think you could all go in the garden and start it together, sometimes you just need a bit of rallying to get it done?

ADHD is so frustrating for everyone.

I listened to an audiobook last week that actually really helped me. It was organise 365 ADHD. It gave bits of advice to for people with ADHD to get tasks done. I have had a really productive week since listening to it? Might be worth a try?

Thank you, I will certainly take a look at that

Can I just say OP that your last post, oh my goodness, resonated so much. The to do list needs to be SO specific for it to go in. I get it, but it is sometimes hard to deal with and I empathise.

Tbh I think this isn't just about the laptop/shed/whatever - it's about the long term impact. he needs to be accessing medication.

@Nutrigrainygoodness

I was just going to ask if you were laptop poster.

The replies were much different then. Keep doing what you're doing OP

I don't know- the flavour of it all somehow being my fault and my responsibility was there then as well! 😂

Ah well. We keep on. It's just today I'm struggling with my own (obviously unrealistic) expectations being thoroughly unmet.

I'm excited about when the tiles get delivered for the kitchen floor though, because DH is excited about laying them and watching videos of people doing it. Definitely stand a very good chance of them being laid perfectly within the day!

You’ve just absolutely described my Ds aged 7 - trying to get him an assessment but that itself seems like pulling teeth (which is also absolutely the expression that comes to mind when trying to get him to do something!)

However your DH is an adult so I guess you’d hope he’d learnt some coping mechanisms by now?

I agree with pps who said maybe you could have done the shed together and then also shared out the more drudgy tasks in the house. Although I’m also not sure the cake was a priority!

Putting together a small coffee table is a one person job.
Shed is definitely 2 people.
Potential for injury if trying to do it on your own, I would have thought

Oh, and I hate DIY, and don't have ADHD.

DW hires someone in to do decorating.

I am, however, fortunate to be able to afford this.