DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

@YeahYeahThatsMoi

How did you get all of your jobs done while policing your husbands?

I didn't police it, obviously, or the fucking shed would be up, wouldn't it? 🙄

I'm frustrated because I needed him to just get on with it WITHOUT me having to kick his arse to do it. Everything is on me all the time at the moment. It's hard.

He has ADHD. His executive function doesn’t work as it should.

@FuckingFabulous yep l can relate to the switched off and in own world! My fiancé is often there. He has dyspraxia and so do l. So l have an insight into how he feels but stuff still needs to get done and lm not doing all myself

just hire someone to put up the shed. my boyfriend is amazing at most things - but absolutely shit at diy. if i sent him out to put a shed together there would probably be a lot of standing around and watching videos for help too. i doubt your husband would be able to do it himself anyway, we recently had a shed put in and it is definitely a two person job. tbh it would piss me off if i was sent outside to put a shed together by myself whilst my partner packed school bags and made cakes.

I imagine he's no happier with himself than you are with him - he's not doing this out of fun. It sounds like a massive task to tackle with ADHD as the executive functioning is such a struggle. A teamwork approach might work - I find I can usually keep my partner on track and accountable if we work together and I offer support and humour (plus a fair amount of counting to ten on both sides and a big old glass of wine for me later).

@Aquamarine1029

How does he preform at his job?

I hate that this is used as some kind of gotcha for people with ADHD. I deliberately chose a job which is incredibly varied, very pressured and quite risky because I can do that. I have a few ways to ensure the boring, mundane parts of my job are done. But it's a struggle.

I wouldn't get a job lone working or putting up sheds!

@MrsTerryPratchett

If you want to motivate him, don't ask him to do it. Move all the toolboxes to his side of the bed and in places he uses. Not passive aggressively, nicely. The tripping over and inconvenience does motivate me. It would get me to SHED quicker.

And I apologise. We know we're annoying. And it it hard for the spouses as well. Poor DH. He is a diligent and methodical type. Oops.

I love this man to the ends of the earth and back again and 95% of the time I make sure life runs smoothly for everyone, but in the chaos of going back to school, I needed him to do what he had been saying he would, without me having to project manage. Three different schools, one school announced yesterday that they actually WOULD be going back on Monday instead of the planned Wednesday, and of course it's DS12s, so he has a proper flap over the last minute nature of it.

@EL8888

Sounds idle to me lm afraid. Lots of procrastination and faffing. Has he actually achieved anything today? It sounds like you were getting on with stuff.

For the people saying OP is speaking to him like a child, maybe it’s because he’s acting like one!

This is exactly what ADHD is, FFS. I know it's hard for NT people to understand, but there is a genuine neurological reason for that procrastination and inability to get in with tasks you don't want to do. Imagine how it feels for the person with ADHD. Normal life for you is like wading through treacle for us. OP, you need to outsource tasks like that. Otherwise you'll end up resenting him

So many comments on here are extremely offensive to people with ADHD. It’s such a hugely misunderstood disability.

Yes we can concentrate on things we enjoy, things that give us dopamine hits. We can’t concentrate or sometimes even start things that do not give us any dopamine.

No wonder so many adults struggle through life undiagnosed.

@Aquamarine1029

How does he preform at his job?

Fabulously.

@Aquamarine1029

How does he preform at his job?

But he doesn't work putting up sheds

Just to add - it is fucking hard being the one to manage everything. I completely understand that, as that's my life too. But an ADHD brain isn't typical, so I have to look for different approaches and manage my expectations.

In case anyone does want to be educated.

When lockdown started I was terrified they would make us work from home. I genuinely could have lost my job.

It's not that we don't want to do it, we can't.

To be successful we choose jobs that we can do.

Your daughter’s illness along with the needs of your sons sound like a lot to deal with. Maybe you’re both overwhelmed and need to cut yourselves some slack. If you can find a way to outsource the shed or childcare long enough for you to tackle other things together that would be best. If not, can you shove all his tools in his car or something? Can you help him organise himself by breaking the task into smaller chunks and rewarding him with a coffee break after completing each stage?

Adhd is no fun. I’d rather live with someone who has it than experience it myself (having lived with someone who has it, I feel I’m qualified to say this).

This all sounds very typical of someone with ADHD. I get your frustration but I would build the shed together (assuming you don’t have any physical reason that stops you like a huge pregnancy bump or mobility issues) and then have him do half of the bedding changing and whatever else needs doing.

Just out of interest what’s he usually like with these types of chores?

He's a lazy git.

@fryscornishdelight l have dyspraxia so l probably have more of an insight than a lot of people

Ah, lots of people purposely ‘misunderstanding’ a neurological condition.

His day sounds similar to mine, I’m tiling the en-suite, I haven’t put a single tile on the wall today, but I have very neatly lined them up on the floor and counted a bag of tile separators. Tomorrow our neighbour is coming to the rescue and finishing it of.

Is he well medicated at the moment?

@user1493494961 are people in wheelchairs lazy gits too?

Thank you to everyone who commented, especially the ones with ADHD. It's really helpful to be reminded that his intent was probably there, just that as soon as he actually got to the task, he wasn't able to keep focused on it. His ND traits are sometimes astonishing- his thought process amazes me and the way he works out problems when I'm just standing there scratching my head is fabulous. I'm genuinely in awe of it. Which is why I find it hard sometimes to see how he CAN'T do something. If that shed had been a giant bonfire which had to be built with nasa like precision to the plans he was handed, he'd have done it without pause. But because it hasn't generated any interest in his brain, it might as well be written in Japanese. And that's where I struggle a bit sometimes when I've got a lot on my plate, because I just knuckle down and get it done. He can't always, I know that, but I do have the odd incident where I wonder if he can't or if he actually doesn't want to so can't be arsed, as most of us do. And then I don't know whether to let it go or to tell him to stop being lazy, because I don't know which it is!

Just to add my son (a child) has ADHD and it’s been suggested recently that I have it too. I can relate to OP’s husband quite a bit.

I find it frustrating and upsetting that so many people apparently view these traits as being “bone idle” and similar. Not so much upset for myself but for my child. He will grow and change but will always have ADHD and ASD. It’s upsetting to think that he could be thought of so negatively for something that he doesn’t have control over really.

I think you sound absolutely fucking awesome actually.

My best friend used to have so much trouble with her husband in this regard; eventually he was diagnosed with ADHD and they web to counselling to discuss it.

She realised that actually, she didn't want to live with someone she had to manage and they've since divorced.

You should like a superwoman to me, I admire you

@SimonJT

Ah, lots of people purposely ‘misunderstanding’ a neurological condition.

His day sounds similar to mine, I’m tiling the en-suite, I haven’t put a single tile on the wall today, but I have very neatly lined them up on the floor and counted a bag of tile separators. Tomorrow our neighbour is coming to the rescue and finishing it of.

Is he well medicated at the moment?

No, not medicated at all. He agreed to trial medication after he lost my laptop a few weeks ago and he has requested it, but the GP has told him he'll just have to sit tight and wait for a medication assessment.

@FuckingFabulous Ah thats a pain, when I’m not medicated I am sometimes signed of work as I’m fuck all use. I’ve been hospitalised before as when I’m not medicated I often fail to manage my type one diabetes.

Has he been given a rough time frame as to when his assessment will be? Medication can make a huge difference, when I’m well medicated I function really well.