DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

@fryscornishdelight part of the problem with our back and forth debate is you don’t understand what dyspraxia entails. Your focusing just on the physical part of it. Dyspraxia also includes issues with emotions, time management, planning and personal organisation skills. For clarity lm normally not perceived as clumsy because l try not to walk into things, drop things, lose things etc. I know my left and right

When he was in the forces his ADHD was so well controlled that he's found it hard to accept that he needs medication. But everything was scheduled, regimented, everything had a time and place.

i don't know if you knew him then, and i don't know how many other people you know in the forces but it really isn't as specific as what your DH needs (from your list of things to do when you were in hospital is anything to go by). I mean, yes, on the ranges when you first learn how to strip an fire a weapon they literally go through every step "weapon firing, weapon stops, apply the safety catch, eject spent cartridges..." and increasingly faster and faster until they just shout "stoppage" and you know what to do. Would your DH manage that, so you'd have to stand over him "open washing machine door, put 20 items in, add soap, add softner, close door..."? Would he then progress to "put washing in" and do the whole process?

It sounds exhausting.

OP I completely understand your frustrations, my DH has ADHD and it's exhausting frustrating. I read an article that helped us both understand each other and how it makes the other person behave and feel. You started off infantilising him it sounds like (I know the drill I do it all the time) and he procrastinates as he's just not interested in the task and so it can feel like you've asked him to perform brain surgery and struggles, you get annoyed and resentment kicks in.

I probably would have helped him or outsourced as others have said. However, he needs to take control and put in coping strategies and that could be writing lists, asking for help etc.

I feel for you. But l have no diagnosed issue but cannot for the life of me put together those packs. My head won't take it in. I even struggle with my gds Lego kids where there is very clear instructions . She flies through it.
I have a friend who is an eye surgeon..imagine the intricacies of that..but would rather walk over nails than put that shed together.

It's very frustrating for you but not something he is doing deliberately

As someone with ADHD whose husband also has ADHD (it's a barrel of laughs in our house), I empathise with you both. Sometimes, even though I understand entirely, I am so frustrated with his inability to JUST DO THE THING. And then other times, I am spinning round in useless circles, mindlessly scrolling on my phone, hating how stuck and unproductive I feel, and someone repeatedly telling me to do the thing just makes it much, much worse.

You need coping strategies for stuff like this.

1. Body doubling - a trick used by ADHDers to get stuff done, it literally just means having someone else there doing a thing can help you. So if there's a task he can't get started/can't complete, do it together.

1. Find what tasks he finds easier to complete. Are the beds easier for him to do because it's lots of small wins in a row (sheets off, tick, in machine, tick)? Divide your tasks so that it works for how you both operate, not just what you assume is 'normal' (i.e. he does the big outdoor 'boy jobs').

1. Pomodoro method is v useful for both of us in getting stuff done - 25 min 'doing', 5 min rest. You can get apps that do the timing, helps create small artificial deadlines that can get the brain going

1. Accepting when pushing an issue is just making it worse. Does the shed need to be done today? No? Well if you can see his executive dysfunction is high, then tell him - "Okay, I can see getting going with this is hard for you right now. Can you please do X (small, quick task to get brain moving is good!) and we'll do the shed another day?"

1. Work with his brain. I can be fucking useless for 5 hours of my working day but then on fire between 11pm and 2am. I am lucky enough that I own my own business, so I can take advantage of that. Same with housework - if it's a shithole for a few days and I can't force myself to do it, the only thing that comes out of being frustrated is me feeling shame and guilt. But when the hyperfocus comes at 6am on a Saturday morning and I scrub everything to within an inch of its life? Cool, go with it. Make clear what your household tasks are each and then see if he can make them work to his brain's schedule, not to your abitrary schedule (obviously if you have children, this is very difficult for some things - it's a big part of why DH and I aren't having children!). But where you can, let him find his own groove.

Is he medicated? Has he had therapy specifically for ADHD?

I understand that as a spouse of someone with ADHD it's incredibly hard, but I need you to understand - he isn't 'being lazy' or having a nice time fucking about. He's stuck in a spiral of debilitating executive dysfunction that probably makes him feel fucking awful about himself.

@EL8888

Sounds idle to me lm afraid. Lots of procrastination and faffing. Has he actually achieved anything today? It sounds like you were getting on with stuff.

For the people saying OP is speaking to him like a child, maybe it’s because he’s acting like one!

Do you have much experience of ADHD ?

Sorry OP, I've just seen you've got plenty of experience with ADHD... in which case, I can just offer my sympathies, because I know it's unbelievably hard.

Yanbu, and why are you getting so much schtick?!?!
On a side note my husband is like this too, it drives me totally batty.....

@Kisskiss because her husband has a disability that makes certain things much harder for him and to begin with the OP didn’t sound particularly sensitive to that. Does your husband have the same disability?

@Brefugee

When he was in the forces his ADHD was so well controlled that he's found it hard to accept that he needs medication. But everything was scheduled, regimented, everything had a time and place.

i don't know if you knew him then, and i don't know how many other people you know in the forces but it really isn't as specific as what your DH needs (from your list of things to do when you were in hospital is anything to go by). I mean, yes, on the ranges when you first learn how to strip an fire a weapon they literally go through every step "weapon firing, weapon stops, apply the safety catch, eject spent cartridges..." and increasingly faster and faster until they just shout "stoppage" and you know what to do. Would your DH manage that, so you'd have to stand over him "open washing machine door, put 20 items in, add soap, add softner, close door..."? Would he then progress to "put washing in" and do the whole process?

It sounds exhausting.

Yes, I was with him then and yes I know a few people in the forces still and plenty more veterans. DH worked in a highly skilled and specialised area so he really was excellent with his focus and precision as it was his special interest. And the lifestyle really was perfect for managing his own limitations, because they were accounted for without having to even try to.

I don't want to have to be his commanding officer. I want him to take initiative and manage as an adult.

@therocinante

Sorry OP, I've just seen you've got plenty of experience with ADHD... in which case, I can just offer my sympathies, because I know it's unbelievably hard.

Thank you,

Yes, I do have a lot of experience, and I know when he's struggling but I do also struggle with the feeling that some of the time, he's just taking the piss. Not everything can be down to his ADHD. Every time he sits on his arse and lets me struggle with everything, it's not because he has ADHD. It's because he's being a lazy bloke. I'm not on form all the time, nobody is- and there are plenty of times I'd like to drag my arse and avoid all the things that need doing because I'm bored of them, but I don't get to. I have to suck it up because I have nobody to lean on to pick up the slack. I feel there are times he leans on me excessively when he doesn't NEED to, he just wants to as, rather than a genuine switch off or spiral of executive dysfunction, he doesn't want to be doing what he's been asked to/has responsibility for and he's quite pleased to be having an excuse for that at times. In fact, I know that's the case sometimes because he's said so "jokingly" before, but it's an obvious existing thought pattern. I can't win though. If I call him out on it, he will instantly say I'm being less than supportive with his ADHD. Oh, and the hyperfocus! Oh, how I wish the hyperfocus extended to anything useful at all! DH's hyperfocus usually sees him emptying a shed that doesn't need emptying. Deciding to sort an attic that doesn't need sorting. Deciding to dig a vegetable bed that we don't need. And he will ALWAYS get halfway through these tasks and ditch them. Always.

And I know it sounds like I'm having another rant. I probably am. I told DH this morning just how much of the load of EVERYTHING is on my shoulders and made a list of everything that needs doing before Monday (when he goes back to work- he's been off for months) and he's being sitting en arse, working out an order of priority, he says , for the last hour!! There are 14 items on the list. Facebook doesn't look like it's helping him, but he's on it all the same. While I sweep and mop and sort out dinner and look after DD. I'm furious: even if it is his ADHD!! I want help. I need his assistance. And he's just sitting there on social media dallying away the precious few hours. I've even had to fill in his forms for the ADHD service this morning. Because they've been sat on the shelf for a fortnight and he's not bothered. 😡😡😡

[quote Soontobeseller]@Kisskiss because her husband has a disability that makes certain things much harder for him and to begin with the OP didn’t sound particularly sensitive to that. Does your husband have the same disability?[/quote]
I'm extremely sensitive to it. I'm also a human being who is cracking under the strain of what would be a lot for a couple to deal with, but I'm dealing with it all on my own most of the time as well as supporting him

Offer to help him ?

@FuckingFabulous as a poster with ADHD I empathise! Yes, it makes life harder but we need to work with our partners develop coping skills. He’s just being an inconsiderate arsehole.
My partner is autistic and it’s the same - he has difficulty with some things but using it as an excuse won’t fly.
Also my father has the same traits as me and it made my mothers life hard..even before I knew about ADHD I wasnt blind to how my behaviour affected others. My father however could never see it.

Honestly I learned long ago with my assumed but never diagnosed ND DH that if something like this really needs to be done just hire someone. He never objects to the cost

@YukoandHiro

Honestly I learned long ago with my assumed but never diagnosed ND DH that if something like this really needs to be done just hire someone. He never objects to the cost

Ah, see mine does. Gets awfully offended.

When I say ‘ help him ‘ I mean you help him and then he helps you. You’re already doing a lot so perhaps if you both worked together it would get done? I really feel for you

OP, does your DH have ADHD or ADD? Does he take medication?

My adult DS has ADD and takes Lisdexamfetamine, which has quite literally been life changing for him. He has gone from having extremely poor concentration and scraping by at university to excelling. He is much happier because the brain fog goes and he can think and concentrate on the things he chooses to.

Just get a man in or couple of blokes and pay them to do it. It’s not worth the stress of expecting your DH to do it.

Nagging/dictating to people with ADHD doesn't get things done quicker. Also telling them you need to wash some bags and change bed sheets is hardly a like for like comparison, I know what I'd be doing. Also what kind of shed is it, I'd be very surprised if putting a shed up is a one person job.

@Soontobeseller it's not a disability.

But OP, what's the difference between him emptying a shed and you deciding it doesn't need done then you deciding the task he needs to do? Maybe he doesn't feel it needs done.

@MrsTerryPratchett

When lockdown started I was terrified they would make us work from home. I genuinely could have lost my job.

It's not that we don't want to do it, we can't.

To be successful we choose jobs that we can do.

This is so interesting. I am also struggling working from home. I sit at my desk for hours not being to work and then at some point, fear gives me a burst of mental energy and I do work then.

It would be great if you could explain your other symptoms, how you got diagnosed etc?

@RootyT00t according to the Royal College of Psychiatrists it is.

ADHD is considered a disability in the UK and therefore your school / college or place of work must make “reasonable adjustments” to support you.

[quote Soontobeseller]@RootyT00t according to the Royal College of Psychiatrists it is.

ADHD is considered a disability in the UK and therefore your school / college or place of work must make “reasonable adjustments” to support you.[/quote]
Mmm.

Is that why you don't get disability benefits?