DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

Yep, unless the planets aligned and the shed was the most important thing in my brain, that's how my day would be too.

Also with an ADHD dx.

My DD has a neurological illness and is pretty much disabled. I can't leave her alone in the house, for those of you saying I should have gone and helped him and he should have helped in the house etc. You might think my jobs are easier than putting up a shed. Maybe they are. But the personal care involved with a 13yo girl is much more comfortable for her when it's her mother.

Yes, I know it's fairly typical for ADHD: I think I'm just having a bit of a shit time at the moment so it feels more irritating than it ordinarily would. I'm somewhat overwhelmed myself, and I guess I could do with leaning on someone myself this week.

Marking place to respond later :o I'm on all the ADHD threads today apparently!

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

I recognise this! ADHD household here. I'm great (and so is DD) at bursts of intense energy when we are in the mood. It looks lazy, it sounds lazy but believe me, it's not that. It's worse for us than for the people watching.

I agree that doing things together helps. With music so that there are several channels working at once.

Sorry OP. You don't sound great here. You are not his OP or his mother, and I can't believe you actually speak to him like that.

@NotFabulousDarling

this has clear instructions Well he clearly doesn't seem to think so or why would he have gone on YouTube looking for help. If you can understand the instructions AND you actually care about him as a person, why don't you help him understand what to do? Why would you play such a nasty game with someone you love? I think you should leave and let him find happiness with someone who accepts him as he is. I say this with a half-finished raised vegetable bed in my back garden because I wasn't sure how to proceed.

You horrible person. That's possibly the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me on here, and that's saying something, because I've been here years. Have a browse back over my previous posts if you'd like to see just how much I do for my DH and our DS who also has ADHD. God forbid those of us who support ND people get frustrated ever, or we're simply not worth being with.

If you can afford it, it sounds like paying someone to build the shed would be kinder on everybody.

I do this when I simply don't want to do something. Usually after someone tries to boss me around

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Did you both decide the sched needed putting up today or just you?

If l ‘told’ my Dh to put the shed up at 9.00 am on a Saturday, he’d tell me to do one. If he’s putting the thing up, shouldn’t it be up to him when he puts it up.

You could have both whipped through beds and uniform in the morning.

Yes, he's been saying for about three weeks that he'll "do it tomorrow" and I've been waiting around with half the contents of a shed in my house. So today I decided to say that it should be the day it is done, since he seemed stuck on the idea of tomorrow.

I feel for you

I also second the pps who said putting up shed itls two person job. So you might have to pay someone if you cannot leave house due to dd

After your last update, just get someone in to do the bastard shed. Take away the stress & frustration. Go & have a bath or something you find relaxing for 20mins. You can sort the school stuff tomorrow.

@MrsTerryPratchett

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

I recognise this! ADHD household here. I'm great (and so is DD) at bursts of intense energy when we are in the mood. It looks lazy, it sounds lazy but believe me, it's not that. It's worse for us than for the people watching.

I agree that doing things together helps. With music so that there are several channels working at once.

I know it's not really, I'm just having a rant because I'm overwhelmed myself. I am always supporting him and the kids and he wanted this shed, wanted to put it up himself, just needed a push to get it done (usually). Except he clearly did not want to do it once he got out there and that makes things difficult because half the shed content is in the house. 😭

Our 12yo Ds has adhd too, I'm a veteran in it by now and I still get these points where I feel like I'm being stalled because I can't have any reasonable expectations of something being done. I can't leave DS to do his own school bag, I'd come up to the school bag missing and him making origami pigs or something. He's also lost half his uniform- went to his drawer and there's no uniform in it, but there is a set of handmade blow darts 🙄 He also has food intolerances, hence the making of cakes for school lunchboxes.

Other DS is 5 and needs help.

DD isn't capable of doing it at the moment and she also needs my constant assistance with food, drink, toilet, dressing etc.

I'm just tired and sick of climbing over tool boxes

Get someone in. My Dh says he’ll ‘do stuff’ then he doesn’t. Then we have a fight because l want to pay someone and he doesn’t.

Sounds idle to me lm afraid. Lots of procrastination and faffing. Has he actually achieved anything today? It sounds like you were getting on with stuff.

For the people saying OP is speaking to him like a child, maybe it’s because he’s acting like one!

So today I decided to say that it should be the day it is done, since he seemed stuck on the idea of tomorrow.

"Tomorrow' is ADHD code for 'I don't have the motivation right now'. IME in about three weeks, were I your DH, I would wake at 6am, say SHED and do it in a mad burst of speed. It would probably be at an inconvenient time and not like a normie would, but it would get done.

@RootyT00t

Sorry OP. You don't sound great here. You are not his OP or his mother, and I can't believe you actually speak to him like that.

You can't believe I said he should put that shed up today so we could put all the contents (which are in the house and have been for weeks) inside? Why can't you?

@MrsTerryPratchett

So today I decided to say that it should be the day it is done, since he seemed stuck on the idea of tomorrow.

"Tomorrow' is ADHD code for 'I don't have the motivation right now'. IME in about three weeks, were I your DH, I would wake at 6am, say SHED and do it in a mad burst of speed. It would probably be at an inconvenient time and not like a normie would, but it would get done.

He probably would too, but he'll be back at work then and he won't have the time to do it 😭

@RootyT00t

Sorry OP. You don't sound great here. You are not his OP or his mother, and I can't believe you actually speak to him like that.

This!

If I need to get something done, I tell DH what I'm doing and then get it done. If DH needs to get something done, he tells me what he's doing then does it. If it's a two person job then one of us will say "can we get x done today? We really do need to get on with it" and the other will say "yes" or "no, not today". We don't tell each other to do things

If you want to motivate him, don't ask him to do it. Move all the toolboxes to his side of the bed and in places he uses. Not passive aggressively, nicely. The tripping over and inconvenience does motivate me. It would get me to SHED quicker.

And I apologise. We know we're annoying. And it it hard for the spouses as well. Poor DH. He is a diligent and methodical type. Oops.

Ohh I think everything is just too much atm maybe just forget about the bastard shed for now have a glass of wine and ignore any mess. My husband hasn't got adhd by there are a million unfinished jobs I have been waiting for him to do quite major too so I do get the frustration. I think if you could rope someone else in to help him (brother/cousin?) then set out a timetable or plan of what needs to get done by when then you can bake your cake and they can have some when finished then you will all live happily ever after is that a possibility?

OP sending you a hug. Because whatever challenges your OH faces the bottom line is you are stuck with doing everything and that is really hard. That may be the way it is; it may not be anyone’s fault but it leaves you dealing with everything and if you didn’t the house would fall apart. For anyone having a go at OP what happens to the kids if she decides for her own mental health she needs a day of self-care without doing anything...

How does he preform at his job?

How did you get all of your jobs done while policing your husbands?

@EL8888

Sounds idle to me lm afraid. Lots of procrastination and faffing. Has he actually achieved anything today? It sounds like you were getting on with stuff.

For the people saying OP is speaking to him like a child, maybe it’s because he’s acting like one!

He's done things that didn't need doing, but mostly he's been switched off and in his own world. I've asked him if he needs someone to help him do that shed and he's said no, it's just irritating him. This is my annoyance. He doesn't want help, wants to do it but doesn't do it- then gets annoyed that it's not done. Today he's been really switched off, even for him! It did come across very much like he just wanted a day to do as he pleased.

I think, for those who said I'm talking to him like a child, they're projecting a tone onto what I said to him that simply wasn't there. I wouldn't be married to a man if I needed to be his mum. He's perfectly capable of putting this shed up, but his mind isn't in the right place for it right now for whatever reason, and it would have been really helpful if it was, hence my annoyance.