DH being lazy or struggling?

[FuckingFabulous]

We've got a shed that needs putting up. It's been sitting there in the garden for a few weeks. Today I said, at 9am, "You should put that shed up today and we can put everything that needs going into it inside." He agreed. Bearing in mind he has ADHD and trying to keep him focused on tasks that don't interest him can be like pulling teeth, I said (perhaps unkindly, given the ADHD), "I don't have time to police you putting together a small shed. I have three sets of uniform and three school bags to make sure are all ready, four beds to change, lots of cleaning and a bit of baking for lunchboxes. I can't keep reminding you to do it, you just have to do it."

Dh had breakfast.
Dh had coffee
Dh simply had to take the dog out to play fetch
Dh had another coffee
Dh disappeared and was discovered playing some Star Trek type game in the garage.

11am. "You need to get started on that shed."

DH went into the garden
DH stared at the shed for a good forty minutes
DH started snipping at the willow branches
DH arranged the frame for the roof on the grass and walked around it several times

12pm.

DH came in for lunch.
DH complained that the instructions were unclear and he was struggling to follow them.
DH looked for YouTube videos of people putting these sheds together
DH got cross about the weather report not forecasting rain and declaring a temperature several degrees higher than he judged it to be.
DH pasted a sulky look on his face when I said I am not galloping in to the rescue, have enough stuff of my own to sort out.

1:30pm

DH went back outside.

I went outside to judge if it was worth hanging out the sheets to dry- DH not in the garden. Gate open. DH back in the field playing with the dog.

2:30pm

DH sauntered back into the garden, made a beeline for the house, made himself coffee, cut himself a hefty slab of the cake I made while he was pissing about and sighed with the type of weariness one might expect from a Victorian coal miner at the end of his 16hr day. Browsed Amazon.

3:30pm

DH returns to the garden, to the shed pieces and holds a couple in his hand while staring at the sky

3.55pm

DH is sitting on the stacked shed panels browsing Facebook.

I am pissed off. It can be very frustrating dealing with his ND traits at times, but this has clear instructions, I made myself clear and he is just pissing away the time and spending the day exactly how he chooses. I bet anything in about half an hour he'll be in, saying something about losing the light or it being better weather on another day. Meanwhile we've tons to do in the house and he's doing Jack shit! AIBU to tell him I'm pissed off, or is that unfair of me?

People with ADHD can and do get disability benefits? It’s extremely difficult and often has to go to tribunal stage because the questions are aimed at people with physical disabilities but it absolutely does happen.

So yea, mmm.

This is so interesting. I am also struggling working from home. I sit at my desk for hours not being to work and then at some point, fear gives me a burst of mental energy and I do work then.

That's familiar! There's an online test you can do to see if you should bother seeking help. psychology-tools.com/test/adult-adhd-self-report-scale I didn't look into it for myself until DD was diagnosed. You can ask to be referred but bear in mind there is little point unless you are underachieving, struggling in relationships or engaging in risky behaviours. If you want meds (I didn't) it's useful.

DD on the other hand was spotted at 2 by preschool. I just thought I was a terrible mother! She was finally diagnosed around 5 I think. Referred by her doctor. No meds in her case either but a great deal of environmental and behavioural management. She's a fabulous kid.

My suggestion is to work with your brain. ADHD is actually a super power (just makes RL a bit shit). Deadlines, timers, boundaries, buddies who you can't let down, tricks... there's loads online. I manage to do about the amount of a normal person in bursts of energy. I always worry my boss will notice. I did an extremely complex task in 15 minutes yesterday. I always think she's going to say, "if you can do that, where's the rest of your work?"

Never been tested but I have a lot of symptoms of ADHD.

I find deadlines are the thing that gets a rocket up my arse. Otherwise things drift.

I think in the laptop thread you mentioned having a skip. Do you still have it?

I would tell him that on X date anything not in the shed will be going in the skip / tip / back garden to get rained on / front garden with a sign in saying “free to good home”

He will do it at 23:55 the night before (if he believes it is a real deadline), but you have to have deadlines and consequences to get things done.

@Soontobeseller

People with ADHD can and do get disability benefits? It’s extremely difficult and often has to go to tribunal stage because the questions are aimed at people with physical disabilities but it absolutely does happen.

So yea, mmm.

Right....

But you admit yourself it's difficult.

So why argue the point it is treated as a disability? It isn't.

But it is

Hats off to you OP. I'm managing exec functions for my 9 year old with ADHD and it's exhausting. Wouldn't like to have to manage DH too.

It probably hasn't helped you but as someone who is new to ADHD (9 year old recently diagnosed) this thread has been a great insight into his mind. It's kinda worrying for when he's an adult though. I really want to help him get the right tools and methods before leaving home.

@InvincibleInvisibility

Hats off to you OP. I'm managing exec functions for my 9 year old with ADHD and it's exhausting. Wouldn't like to have to manage DH too.

It probably hasn't helped you but as someone who is new to ADHD (9 year old recently diagnosed) this thread has been a great insight into his mind. It's kinda worrying for when he's an adult though. I really want to help him get the right tools and methods before leaving home.

People with ADHD are also creative, stoic, entertaining, energetic, think outside the box, can handle risk well, can manage large groups of people. We travel well, we step up in emergency situations.

You just have to work with the brain issues!

I have two teens with ADHD. I adore them. They are funny, quick, entertaining, loving, creative, and brave.

They drive me crazy on a regular basis, and I feel sorry for the person who eventually marries them, but I also feel envious of that person who will have them in their lives.

@MrsTerryPratchett

This is so interesting. I am also struggling working from home. I sit at my desk for hours not being to work and then at some point, fear gives me a burst of mental energy and I do work then.

That's familiar! There's an online test you can do to see if you should bother seeking help. psychology-tools.com/test/adult-adhd-self-report-scale I didn't look into it for myself until DD was diagnosed. You can ask to be referred but bear in mind there is little point unless you are underachieving, struggling in relationships or engaging in risky behaviours. If you want meds (I didn't) it's useful.

DD on the other hand was spotted at 2 by preschool. I just thought I was a terrible mother! She was finally diagnosed around 5 I think. Referred by her doctor. No meds in her case either but a great deal of environmental and behavioural management. She's a fabulous kid.

My suggestion is to work with your brain. ADHD is actually a super power (just makes RL a bit shit). Deadlines, timers, boundaries, buddies who you can't let down, tricks... there's loads online. I manage to do about the amount of a normal person in bursts of energy. I always worry my boss will notice. I did an extremely complex task in 15 minutes yesterday. I always think she's going to say, "if you can do that, where's the rest of your work?"

@MrsTerryPratchett this is so helpful, thanks!

I scored 5 on that test, so maybe not too bad!

Off to look into online timers ...

This sounds highly annoying, but your original OP also comes across like you don’t really like your husband that much. He’s not doing it to irritate you.

I'm always amazed at how bloody backwards we Brits are about treating ADHD. SO many left just with diagnosis and then FA. It can be managed, but it takes work, not just I have ADHD so I get to get out of life free and dump the load on others.

Baking a cake is a thing you chose to do for fun. In our house I do nearly all of the DIY things, sometimes it takes me ages, and when I’m struggling to figure them out I ask DH to help and it’s so much easier with two Brian’s and two pairs of hands. I think it’s a bit unfair to expect someone to do something really complicated on their own while you bake cakes. If neither of you like putting up sheds, just pay someone else to do it.

Haha two brains not too Brian’s

I'm always amazed at how bloody backwards we Brits are about treating ADHD. SO many left just with diagnosis and then FA. It can be managed, but it takes work, not just I have ADHD so I get to get out of life free and dump the load on others.

Fortunately my family is not in the UK, and ADHD provision is good here.

My oldest is very very bright and has managed to get by until now. She didn't just get by - she got scholarships based on being in the top 0.25% for national testing, and she's at a top university.

Despite that, she recently had a huge breakdown at college, was referred to psychiatrist and psychologist, and is now getting medication and ongoing therapy.

This all happened in the middle of her university term. With the help she received, she's managed to get straight As and has an average GPA of 3.9. Bearing in mind a few weeks ago she was sobbing because she couldn't do her work, and she wanted to die, I'd say it was almost life-saving that she was able to get treatment.

Her psychiatrist has asked if either of her parents show signs of ADHD, as it's a very genetic disease. I just took MrsTerryPratchett's test above, and scored 5 and 9. My doc was already referring me to a neuropsychologist for assessment so that should be interesting.

I get by in life, but I definitely have symptoms of ADHD. Understanding them, and finding ways of living with the problematic ones while making the most of the useful ones is v useful eg I use hyperfocus fairly strategically, but accept the downside is that I'll be left exhausted and unable to do much for a while.

I've read so much interesting stuff recently about body doubling, accountability (eg FocusMate), setting timers and giving myself rewards. It's all quite fascinating. Luckily I work for myself so I have space to try out all this stuff.

@reader12

Baking a cake is a thing you chose to do for fun. In our house I do nearly all of the DIY things, sometimes it takes me ages, and when I’m struggling to figure them out I ask DH to help and it’s so much easier with two Brian’s and two pairs of hands. I think it’s a bit unfair to expect someone to do something really complicated on their own while you bake cakes. If neither of you like putting up sheds, just pay someone else to do it.

Body doubling! add.org/the-body-double/

@TeenMinusTests

I'd have put the shed up together, and then done the beds together. Putting up a shed is a 2 person job imo.

That.

I sympathise with you, op, I really do know how frustrated you must be - but I also understand how your husband feels. I am inclined to be like that; enough said, this isn't about me.

If you cannot help him, try to find someone who can put the shed up for you and then don't take on any more diy projects. Your husband will be fine but some things cause pressure. It's difficult to explain and hard for others to 'get' it if they do not have the same problem.