13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

I'd get him a second hand bike to ride to school and stop buying him expensive things until he learns

Just don't replace them (unless it's a genuine essential). He breaks/loses it, he has to live without it. He'll be walking to school until his birthday, or getting the bus.

If he has nothing left because he’s ruined it all, will he learn to respect things?

Can it really not be repaired?

My DS was the same and, unfortunately still is to some extent. I’ve never known anyone go through so many phones. Most gifts have disappeared along the way. I think it’s some sort of attention deficit or disordered organisation. I thought he’d improve once he was funding his own life but he’s still pretty bad.

So sorry no advice but I hope he has to work to repay you for repairs or replacement. Might be worth asking on a local website like Nextdoor if anyone has an old bike to give away or buy cheaply.

Has he always had a destructive nature? Losing and breaking things are red flags, how is he in school.

I have told him that IF it can be fixed, he’s got to pay for it. It’s fucked all the gear mechanism at the back & it’s all bent out of shape.

I'd just not replace any non-essentials. Essentials get replaced with the bare minimum (eg, he loses his smartphone but you want to be able to call him, get him a cheap nokia).

No need to yell at him or punish him - going without is already the natural consequence of his actions. Next time just be matter-of-fact : "Oh. Well, I guess we're getting you a bus card so you can go to school." And leave it at that.

@Emeraldshamrock red flags for what? He’s a very sensitive emotional kid but does well in school.

Also if it can be fixed but he doesn't have enough to pay for it I'd make him wait until he's saved up enough, rather than loan him the difference. But I'm mean like that.

Does he get pocket money? He should start contributing to the replacement of things and get him cheaper second hand things, it will teach him their value and hopefully he will be more careful with them

I wouldn’t be telling him off , I’d just not replace anything and in future buy cheaper versions of whatever you plan to get him . Absolutely no point in getting annoyed just calmly point out that it’s his own carelessness that means he doesn’t have nice things .

Red flags for ADHD or dyspraxia or autism or another sort of neurodiversity? Possibly being masked by the fact he does well in school.

Definitely red flags for future relationships

I know- I got angry as it’s all the bloody time 🤪 He’s just said that he’ll never be happy again so you can imagine how he’s taking it!

He doesn’t get things replaced unless they’re essential, and then just the cheapest basic version. He can save up for anything else he wants. He needs to learn the value of things he has been given, and quickly. If he can cycle to school, I’m sure he can walk, and he’ll just have to get up earlier to do so.

And ignore the dramatics.

@iqqq what’s that meant to mean? He’s 13 and a child.

He’s definitely not got ADHD or neurodiverse etc.

Does he have issues concentrating? Is he clumsy generally - falling over not great at sports. My daughter loses everything and knocks all sorts over. She is dyspraxic. Her dad loses everything - I suspected he has adhd.

To defend him against all the others posters it may not be his fault!

My daughter is also very sensitive / emotional and gets very upset when she does damage stuff she just can't help it!

I lose and break many things. I dunno why, and I know its infuriating...
DH is always saying, 'you can't have nice things...' and I can't :) But Im not at all interested in having the nice things, I like the cheap things I can freely lose and break.

How did it get smashed up doing wheelies?!

Do you see him breaking the stuff ever, OP?

I'm wondering either dyspraxia or someone bullying him and smashing his stuff.

@Marty13

I'd just not replace any non-essentials. Essentials get replaced with the bare minimum (eg, he loses his smartphone but you want to be able to call him, get him a cheap nokia).

No need to yell at him or punish him - going without is already the natural consequence of his actions. Next time just be matter-of-fact : "Oh. Well, I guess we're getting you a bus card so you can go to school." And leave it at that.

This is what I would do.

Definitely red flags for future relationships

Why?

ADHD.
Buy him cheaper stuff. He probably didn't expect the bike to break from doing wheelies (I wouldn't either, it sounds defective, that's what kids do with bikes) so he's upset he's broke his bike and upset that he's in trouble over it. But it must be annoying spending money on things that get lost/broke.

@Toomanycats99 he’s really good at sport- plays in both a footy and rugby team. He doesn’t seem to have difficulty concentrating - he’s just seems to be forgetful

[quote Edenspirits]@iqqq what’s that meant to mean? He’s 13 and a child.

He’s definitely not got ADHD or neurodiverse etc.[/quote]
How do you know he definitely hasn't got ADHD ?