13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

@AnnaMagnani

Red flags for ADHD or dyspraxia or autism or another sort of neurodiversity? Possibly being masked by the fact he does well in school.

I agree actually. My 16 year old spent years breaking or losing everything they came into contact with. Never seemed to be anything "wrong" iykwim. I even broached potential ADHD with primary teacher and was told definitely no as they were doing so well in school.

We now have an autism and ADHD diagnosis at 16.

Oops, MN went down so sorry if this is Xposted but I saved it so I'll post anyway:

Generally when you have a repeated problem that isn't solved through several different means (e.g. reward, punishment, explanations, reasoning, experience, etc) it's usually indicative of a lagging skill.

That doesn't always mean there is a diagnosable condition (although in some cases there will be) but the way to deal with it effectively is the same - identify the skill (this is the hardest part I find especially without a clear diagnosed label!) and work on it, in the meantime scaffold ie offer extra support.

The mistake is thinking that kids aren't looking after their stuff because they don't care, and therefore you need to find some way to make them care more. Unless they're absolutely overwhelmed with loads of stuff and/or being raised with the attitude that it doesn't matter because they will get a new one immediately, this isn't usually the case - kids really are gutted and do care when things get broken or lost.

There is a really good book by Dr. Ross Greene called Raising Human Beings which goes into a really good in depth technique for problem solving with your child and identifying exactly where the difficulty lies so that you can either add some support there (e.g. Tile for things like keys) or help him practice the skill so that it's less of an issue. Or both. It doesn't really explain the lagging skills model - his other book The Explosive Child does - but that book can be a bit offputting if your child doesn't have severe behavioural issues.

Dd was like that, but she grew out of it. Having to take her dsis's old brick of a phone to her new school helped change her ways

No Xmas or birthday presents this year clearly say well we spent the money on the expensive bike you've now destroyed ! Sorry! Second hand from now on.

He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

My kids are NT and would be upset that they'd broken an expensive item that made their lives easier rather than because of the telling off. I know that you don't think he has ADHD or similar but I would look into it.

If my kids were prone to losing everything then I would be buying cheap phones/coats/bikes until they could handle expensive ones. One of my teens is really daydreamy and NT and will only lose stuff that's not important to him like letters from school but the things that matter to him like phone and AirPods are looked after carefully. It took a lot of nagging but it took until y9 for me not to have to remind him about PE kit etc Unbelievably this school year he's only forgotten his mask once - something that I thought he'd never achieve.

I've seen teen boys doing wheelies many times so I'm not surprised that he thought he'd be fine too (especially as he's naturally sporty) Admittedly the bikes they are on don't look like fancy ones and more like cheap second hand ones but I'm surprised that he's managed to destroy it so badly.

Could he have dyspraxia? My son was the same lost everything, broke stuff through being clumsy, forgetful or just not thinking things through. It was worst whilst he was growing funnily enough. As an adult he is much better. Having to replace at his own expense probably helped drive the message home.

How do you know he doesn't have ADHD?

He sounds just like me at his age. Losing things all the time is a classic sign of ADHD.

ADHD is very badly named. You don't have to be hyperactive (I have Inattentive ADHD, no hyperactivity - used to be called ADD). and you don't have a deficit of attention, we can hyperfocus on subjects of genuine interest.

I did very well in a structured school, and terribly at A-Level and University where I had to manage my own work.

I wish I'd known then that I have ADHD.

surely if he had ADHD it would have been picked up/ noticed at school by now

My DS sounds like yours and his dyspraxia wasn't spotted by school. It only came to a head when his GCSEs weren't what everybody thought they would be.
They get very good at masking their difficulties, they don't even realise themselves that there is a problem..

surely if he had ADHD it would have been picked up/ noticed at school by now

In my experience - no.

Yes, if he was extremely hyperactive or if ADHD was seriously getting in the way of his work then they might have noticed it. But if he's getting good marks, why would they?

I was top of my class. Until I crashed in my late teens and even then it took till my 40s (and helping DS get a diagnoses of ASD) that I had any idea I had ADHD. I just thought it was my personality and I was scatty/forgetful/disorganised. I have now been diagnosed with ADHD and my life makes a lot more sense!

He doesn’t seem to have difficulty concentrating - he’s just seems to be forgetful ADHD doesn't mean you can't concentrate on anything. Nor does it mean you have a deficit of attention. It's a stupid name.

Losing things is typical of dyslexia and other learning difficulties. Clumsiness is typical of dyspraxia.

@MoriParty *
Gosh people are determined to label your son on here aren't they? Personally I think most kids go this phase during puberty. Uncoordinated, clumsy, forgetful. There's a lot going on in their bodies and brains at this age. Mine is the same, literally injures himself in the home numerous times a day, just minor elbow bumps and the likes, started when puberty hit, also definitely not adhdhmm*

Yes indeed!

I was top of my class in a selective school. My close childhood friends are mostly on large salaries in jobs they love. I struggle to get by and have never really developed a career. I have no pension to speak of.

I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if my ADHD had been identified and I'd been properly supported with it. At 13, my parents were ever so proud of me - their high achieving, super-smart DD. I know they expected me to go far.

Could he have ADHD? Sounds like my ADHD child.

This was me. To my mother's absolute despair. It's also ds, to dh's despair. He thinks ds doesn't care or respect things. It's not, it's just that you just... forget things or don't think it through. The crying cos of being told off is cos you're pissed off with yourself too cos you didn't mean any of it to happen and you feel helpless. I get really annoyed with ds, but I also get what his heads doing- there are so many thoughts in there, pinging about, that you're more in there than the actual world.

I always did well at school cos I'm fast, so could waste an inordinate amount of time, then still produce.

[quote Edenspirits]**@MoriParty*
Gosh people are determined to label your son on here aren't they? Personally I think most kids go this phase during puberty. Uncoordinated, clumsy, forgetful. There's a lot going on in their bodies and brains at this age. Mine is the same, literally injures himself in the home numerous times a day, just minor elbow bumps and the likes, started when puberty hit, also definitely not adhdhmm*

Yes indeed![/quote]
Yes, maybe. That's perfectly possible.

It's your refusal to even consider it that's ringing warning bells among those of us who know ADHD and related conditions well.

Lol just read the whole thread

surely if he had ADHD it would have been picked up/ noticed at school by now

It's only picked up of it affects learning ime. Kids who cope enough are left to it.

People are diagnosing my son, saying he’s got red flag relationships, saying there are warning bells etc on the basis of 1 post and barely any information and then saying that I am ignoring it. It’s a bit bonkers to be honest!

Oops, MN went down so sorry if this is massively Xposted but I saved it so I'll post anyway:

Generally when you have a repeated problem that isn't solved through several different means (e.g. reward, punishment, explanations, reasoning, experience, etc) it's usually indicative of a lagging skill.

That doesn't always mean there is a diagnosable condition (although in some cases there will be) but the way to deal with it effectively is the same - identify the skill (this is the hardest part I find especially without a clear diagnosed label!) and work on it, in the meantime scaffold ie offer extra support.

The mistake is thinking that kids aren't looking after their stuff because they don't care, and therefore you need to find some way to make them care more. Unless they're absolutely overwhelmed with loads of stuff and/or being raised with the attitude that it doesn't matter because they will get a new one immediately, this isn't usually the case - kids really are gutted and do care when things get broken or lost.

There is a really good book by Dr. Ross Greene called Raising Human Beings which goes into a really good in depth technique for problem solving with your child and identifying exactly where the difficulty lies so that you can either add some support there (e.g. Tile for things like keys) or help him practice the skill so that it's less of an issue. Or both. It doesn't really explain the lagging skills model - his other book The Explosive Child does - but that book can be a bit offputting if your child doesn't have severe behavioural issues.

Smart But Scattered is another good one - a bit more practical and geared specifically to executive function skills, which probably are relevant here - losing and breaking things feature. Smart but Scattered Teens might be more relavant as the first one only goes up to age 14, although apparently it's quite American and seems to have a heavy focus on driving as a worrying factor!

Have you asked him why he was doing wheelies in the road? Was he on his own or with friends egging one another on? The reason I ask is because there is a bunch of 3 or 4 lads of a similar age round here who mess around on their bikes in the road, getting in the way of traffic and doing wheelies, and one of them in particular has taken to deliberately swerving in front of oncoming vehicles and making them brake hard.

You need to make very sure that he wasn't doing anything remotely like that as a dare.

If he'd been doing wheelies in a park or on grass then firstly there would have been far less damage, and secondly he wouldn't have been doing stunts in the road, where quite frankly, his accident could have been far worse.

He’s definitely not got ADHD or neurodiverse etc.

He will have according to MN, Edenspirits - they always do

In the meantime I agree with so many PPs ... replace what's essential with what he actually needs rather than wants, and face down the fuss-making which follows

It's probably the only way he'll learn, especially if you do it calmly and avoid responding to silliness about his life "being ruined"

Oh dear - it does seem like the post has been a bit derailed into "let's correct all the ADHD myths" - sorry if I contributed a bit to that. It's off topic and not really helpful. There isn't nearly enough information on here to say whether the child does or doesn't have ADHD.

I know it's annoying because it's a poorly named disorder but it's not especially helpful to keep rehashing the same argument when the OP is actually asking how to help her son.

@fastwigglylines

I was top of my class in a selective school. My close childhood friends are mostly on large salaries in jobs they love. I struggle to get by and have never really developed a career. I have no pension to speak of.

I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if my ADHD had been identified and I'd been properly supported with it. At 13, my parents were ever so proud of me - their high achieving, super-smart DD. I know they expected me to go far.

same here. My diagnosis of ADHD and ASD came at age 52.

my daughter at 15

my son at 10

my son is forever losing things, and he would cry too at being told off. Inconsolable. But it wouldnt help him to remember any better.

He is also being suggested as a potential Oxbridge candidate so no, high achieving and wonderfully behaved at school doesnt mean much in terms of that. I was a perfect student.

My son was like this (16 now, much, much better now). He definitely doesn't have ADHD. He has a near photographic memory for his schoolwork and can concentrate for hours on work or video games.

But he could never remember to pick his coat off the back of his chair and bring it home. And was forever losing sports kit. And there were the odd acts of destruction too.

He was just very focused on their friends at that stage, to the detriment of everything else. He had terrible FOMO. Why would he remember their coat when he was listening to an important joke?

Why wouldn't he think about picking up the phone they left on the grass while he was playing football? Answer: he was concentrating on thinking of a funny response to someone's mean comment and not getting left out of the trip the Nandos.

At this age they just do stupid things to impress their friends. They don't think through the consequences of their carelessness. It's a learning process.

You're doing the right thing. Nag him. Tell him off. Don't replace things. Make him pay for things. He'll soon get the message to take more care.