13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

My son was the same, turns out he was dyspraxic. He even lost the laces from his shoes one day. He now has a lot of coping mechanisms (19 and at Uni) to help him keep track of his things and organise himself. e.g. always goes for a small phone with a tough case that fits completely in his pocket. Has specific places and routines to keep track of important things, uses the notes facility in his phone etc.

@Edenspirits

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

I was like this with two of mine OP. Absolutely at the end of my tether. Did not know how to make them care more. Got really angry a lot.

Turned out they both had ADD. I now feel really shit about how angry I used to get. I wish I'd taken more advice earlier about how people's brains work, rather than insisting they were fine other than not caring enough about their stuff.

My other one wasn't like this at all, despite having dyspraxia and being the 'officially clumsy' one.

Not saying your son has ADD - there isn't enough info for us to tell - but his actions and how you're feeling remind me very vividly of mine and how I felt. One wasn't diagnosed till 19, has spectacular school results, at a top university, nobody ever flagged it up at school.

A friend of mines child is gcse year. At exam time, anyone who had a reason for extra time (a label), sat in separate rows so they could do the time. Friend said it was 30% of the year group. How long till it's 80%?

I'm in the US - it's much easier to get a diagnosis here.

We still don't have anywhere near 80% of students needing extra time.

No need to panic :-)

I'm not sure why everyone says ADHD, if he couldn't sit and concentrate for 5 minutes at school and was awake all night unable to sleep then I'd understand.
Clumsiness and losing stuff is typical of me and my ds -- dyspraxic. Whether that's the same for your son depends, how's his hand writing? how is he with using a knife and fork? has he always been clumsy, fallen over a lot as a younger child, struggled to skip with a rope. If none of that rings any bells then it's probably just a teenage thing x

I'm not sure why everyone says ADHD, if he couldn't sit and concentrate for 5 minutes at school and was awake all night unable to sleep then I'd understand.

Because you can have ADHD and be perfectly capable of concentrating for 5 minutes at school and sleeping all night.

Thank you for so perfectly illustrating the misconceptions about ADHD.

Look at prevention measures for his bike.
A simple deraileur guard is less than a fiver, and fits on with 2 screws.
The bike will be fixable; as long as frame not bent.
My ds did a similar thing, but we managed to pull the deraileur out straight. A quick google search showed how to set it up correctly. I had the ipad, ds had the spanner.
Now he knows how to adjust it himself, as the cable stretches over time.
Easiest/ cheapest option. Look on ebay for a deraileur and fit it yourselves. Most of them will fit. I would go for the same make. Probably a shimano? Just check it's for the right number of gear cogs on the back wheel. Probably 7 or 8? For a 21 or 24 speed bike.
Or even more basic. Reshape bent deraileur with hammer, until wheel turns and chain stays in one place. Then use only front gears to change.

bumbling - I don't have a problem with people suggesting ADHD friendly techniques to help the OP's son. Seems like a good idea. The annoying issue is where people are arguing back and forth about whether or not someone can have ADHD or not if they do well at school, or whether ADHD is overdiagnosed and just a label for lazy parents to use or an excuse etc etc AND not suggesting anything useful to OP at the same time.

I know it's like a red rag to a bull if you have it and are tired of all the stereotypes and same old arguments, I just think there are plenty of threads to argue about that kind of thing and it's really not helpful when someone's looking for advice because the more you engage the more someone else will engage back.

(Aware I'm derailing as well I don't have any more advice though, sorry!)

Well how did he get to school before you got him a bike? He walks or cycles on the broken bike. Breaks his phone he uses it broken he loses it - he waits until his birthday or buy him a 99p pay as you go phone

if he couldn't sit and concentrate for 5 minutes at school and was awake all night unable to sleep then I'd understand.

I did say I'd stop going on about ADHD, but I have to correct this as it's misinformation like this that stands in the way of people like me with Innatentive ADHD (also known as ADD) getting diagnosed.

Not everyone with ADHD can't sit still, has problems at school or can't sleep. I've always been a great sleeper, I was a high achiever at school till A-Levels and no hyperactivity at all.

But I do lose things, struggle with time keeping, organisation and impulse control (this can look like a child always interrupting or doing stupid things they should know better not to).

Personally I think this is normal.

As you said he does well at school, is in the football and rugby teams etc.

I don't like the crap advice given by other posters that this is a red flag for dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD etc. etc.

Seems to be a lot of self(on parental) diagnosis of such issues on Mumsnet.

Obviously don't let him get away with it, but don't over analyse it.

I like seeing kids out being active so maybe the bike wasnt fit for purpose so maybe should have had s bmx It's hard to tell if you are being extra over normal wear and tear
Have you ruled out dyspraxia?

He needs to take responsibility, 13 is more than old enough to understand the value of things and consequences. At 13 my parents had me working Saturday mornings in a cafe so I could buy things I wanted. I paid for things with money i earned and definitely took care of them. My DB was the same, the only one who didn't take care of things was my younger DB because he never had a job or had to pay for anything him.

If we lost keys we had to wait outside till someone else came home. Lost bus fare we walked home (7 miles) my parents certainly didn't pick us up, damaged our coats or uniforms, though it was our fault. I actually burnt a hold in my school jumper messing around in yr9 science class, I had to wear it the entire year as my parents refused to buy me another, at first it was funny but eventually I was a little embarrassed by it especially when the teachers made comments.

Are you sure he didn't have an accident?

@HosannainExcelSheets
I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not, but MN was dead right about my DS and really supportive for me while getting a diagnosis for autism.
Not being sarcastic! MN was dead right about my DS and equally supportive. I posted something about his handwriting ... which snowballed into finding out that he had very pronounced Learning Difficulties in two areas. Nobody had spotted it in over a decade of schooling!

I agree with Healthins. Are you sure there isn't more to this? The items listed all have value to kids. He isn't losing his school shoes, he's losing his trainers. He isn't losing his pencil case, he's losing his wallet & phone. Could someone be taking these items from him / damaging them, rather than them being lost/ accidentally damaged?

God OP, some of these comments are like he does these things on purpose!

Yes he doesn’t respect his belongings, it’s annoying and as others have said time to make him look after a shit version of something for a good while before he gets a posh one, but it’s probably your fault for spoiling him, is he an only child?

Oh and I say that because I know I have spoiled my 12 year old son who is an only child and he doesn’t respect things either, so I’m not judging you I’m welcoming you into the fold.

This is will be a good lesson for him, don’t worry too much, it’s only exasperating it’s not a red flag or anything else some of these lions have said x

Loons not lions

@Gloschick

I agree with Healthins. Are you sure there isn't more to this? The items listed all have value to kids. He isn't losing his school shoes, he's losing his trainers. He isn't losing his pencil case, he's losing his wallet & phone. Could someone be taking these items from him / damaging them, rather than them being lost/ accidentally damaged?

i agree - this is worth considering

I don't like the crap advice
It isn't crap advice, it is accurate individual personal experience.
It certainly shouldn't be used a diagnostic tool, but I don't think anyone is suggesting that.
It doesn't mean that these individual experiences will be the same as OP's family either.
They are just something worth considering.

Gloschick tween Ds loves his phone, he has lost it three times.
His trainers more times than I can count.
He then gets very upset because ADHD and the struggling with emotional regulation are just part of his life.

@Toomanycats99

Does he think ahead? Another example Of my DD last year when she was 8 she was drinking her milk and put the half full cup on the sofa cushion (it's quite a flat firm one). Unsurprising it fell over when she moved. she was in floods of tears didn't mean to do it etc etc. Which she didn't. Her brain just doesn't seem to link together actions and consequences.

Bloody hell I’m 56 and neurotypical and I do that semi regularly!

I remember going through this as a kid! He's just learning and growing older and having to face the consequences of carelessness. He will certainly learn eventually with your guidance and the school of life keep going, mum!

It's the age. At 13/14, my son got through 3 iPhones in one year: 1 we bought for him, DH's old one and one he got from a friend. None of them were brand new but were all in perfect working order. All ended up destroyed.
And there were other things like clothes wrecked on the 2nd wear, clothes and sleeping bags lost for ever at friends' houses.

He will grow out of it but it's absolutely enraging at the time, and it has made us reluctant to buy any nice new expensive things for him. On the plus side, he has got good at looking for things he wants second hand on eBay etc.

[quote Edenspirits]@TimeForTeaAndG he fell off it doing wheelies into the gear mechanism!

He hasn’t got ADHD - honestly, he’s never showed any signs of anything like that apart from being forgetful[/quote]
Likely hood is hes bent the derailleur hanger.
It's a sacrificial piece of soft metal between the frame and the derailleur for the exact purpose you describe, but should bend to save the expensive bits.

You may be lucky if I'm right as they are usually 5-10 pound to replace.

He fell off it doing a wheelie, wheelies dont break bikes, accidents do. It was an accident so try not to be too hard on him.

For what it's worth I also break everything and still do no matter how hard I try to be respectful, think some people are just heavy handed/unlucky.

I’d want to know more about the damage and have it looked at before coming down hard on him. Because really a 400£ mountain bike should be able to be wheelied.

If you bought something expensive and it fell apart while being used you’d be pretty upset if everyone blamed you.

This was me as a kid completely still is

Is he a day dreamer? It was less I had respect for things and more that I just didn't fathom there would be consequences. My parents were at their absolute wits end.

Make him pay for the bike... if it's fixable can you sell it and buy him a bmx or a proper bike for tricks that will withstand him doing wheelies?