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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

255 replies

Edenspirits · 06/03/2021 15:17

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

OP posts:
ZZTopGuitarSolo · 07/03/2021 22:54

I've learnt a lot about dyspraxia from this thread and realised my understanding of it is limited to what I've experienced in my daughter and friends, and what I imagine it is.

Thank you to those who posted about it.

mainsfed · 07/03/2021 22:57

I know- I got angry as it’s all the bloody time 🤪 He’s just said that he’ll never be happy again so you can imagine how he’s taking it!

You seem to be treating it as a bit of a joke tbh.

I bet you’re going to replace everything and he learn nothing.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/03/2021 22:58

sensitive emotional...
clumsy,
loses things,

Spidder · 07/03/2021 23:04

I have recently learned that I have hypermobile feet. I used to get horrific 'growing pains' which are also a sign of hypermobility. I posted earlier about how clumsy I used to be. I also took a looooong time to learn to drive and get lost vv easily. I work in a job where organisation is key, and I manage it. Now wondering if I've always been dyspraxic or whether it was hypermobility that caused my problems. Ds def similar to me, so when he doesn't tidy his room and just sits for 4 hours, I think about how it might actually be massively overwhelming for him.

Still not doing it for him though.

WaxOnFeckOff · 07/03/2021 23:14

Key message I got from my DS was in relation to his school work. He told me he sat in his room, paralysed and unable to start whilst also hating himself for not being able to start.

It's not always laziness.

After he got his diagnosis, he was a changed lad. Nothing had actually changed, but he then knew that it wasn't always his fault and there were reasons. It actually managed to change his outlook and he stopped resisting using helping techniques because he then felt that it was like his medicine rather than being nagged. He's living away at Uni and despite a few issues (like leaving his wallet on a bus and not being able to get into his flat), he's managed his timetable and his life and is doing really well.

BornOnTwelthNight · 08/03/2021 10:57

This thread has been an eye opener for me, sorry op I have nothing to add, and I don’t want to derail from your thread.

but what you are all saying about adhd/dyspraxia , something just clicked and I felt that I was reading about my 17 year old daughter.

I always felt that something wasn’t quite right with her from an early age but any concerns I’ve had have always been dismissed. I didn’t know enough about these conditions to push it further.

We’ve had a bit of a chat about how she feels and the difficulties she’s had, there have been many and She said to me how can anyone understand what goes on in my brain if I can’t figure it out.
This is definitely something we are going to explore further because everything kind of makes sense now!

So I just wanted to thank everyone who contributed their experiences to this thread, whether it’s helpful to the op or not I’ve no idea, But has been a massive help to me.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 08/03/2021 11:41

He's 13. They are careless at that age and they don't learn not to be unless it personally inconveniences THEM. So no bike repairs or replacement unless he pays for it. He'll have to get up earlier and walk to school.

Only essential things get replaced. So if he breaks his iPhone for example it gets replaced but by one of those cheap crap £5 a month phones and he pays his own credit out of his pocket money. Clothes, again, if he wrecks his trainers then replace them with the cheapest Asda can provide.

If he wants better quality then there's Xmas and birthdays.

He'll soon learn to look after nice things.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 08/03/2021 11:46

He'll soon learn to look after nice things.

Unless of course, he has ADD/dyspraxia, in which case nothing will change and he will have judgements like this, framing his difficulties as a choice.Hmm

muckypaws · 08/03/2021 11:50

My ds was like this until he was about 22 and then he suddenly started to be much more careful and even managed to not damage or lose his phone while backpacking and working for a year round the world. When he got back we looked at his phone in astonishment as it was fine! With him it was definitely a developmental thing where he had my natural clumsiness coupled with growing very quickly and being quite adventurous and over confident sometimes about his abilities! He is now at the age of 25 very careful with things. The fact that he now works and pays for them himself also helps.

AfterEightsBeforeEight · 08/03/2021 11:51

I don’t think he has ADHD, I think he needs to get a grip and understand consequence.

This was me for so long in how I viewed my own son. If only I'd investigated sooner. When eventually this was done, and I, (still convinced there was nothing wrong with my son, I mean it's my son, I know him best) discovered he has ADHD, life changed.

You can't "get a grip" out of ADHD. You can't control a lot of what you do, and you are emotional after, partly at what you've done, and at yourself for not being able to stop yourself.

I massively failed him, by my inability to think my son had any kind of condition, because i thought children with ADHD were relentless and bouncing off the walls. That's such a small percentage. ADHD is far more emotional than that, far more subtle in the vast majority.

I'm not diagnosing anyone here. But for the child's sake, OP sounds just like me. And for her son's sake, believe me, it's at least worth the investigation.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/03/2021 11:52

My first thought was also adhd. But if not, yes there needs to be some sort of consequence. Not shouting but just a calm sanction - such as not replacing it until he’s done xyz, removal of pocket money, extra chores etc

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/03/2021 11:54

My Ds is being assessed for adhd and is similar (only 7 though) - loses everything!

He also gets really genuinely upset when he’s told off.

SarahFrances89 · 08/03/2021 14:12

@BornOnTwelthNight that’s so good to hear. If you have any time questions about dyspraxia feel free to message me. Getting my diagnosis at 26 was genuinely transformative so thank you for looking into things for you daughter!

Didiplanthis · 08/03/2021 14:30

I'd go down the natural consequences route or mobile now til he pays for repairs. If his a good kid generally that would sufficient 'punishment' he probably doesn't need a bollocking too.

He might have ADHD, he may well not. He might just have poor organizational skills and and immature impulsive brain as he is a teen. Actually i have ADHD diagnosed as an adult. School was tricky but I did OK. And actually it wasn't the ADHD that was just me, which was damaging it was the response of people to things I did/didn't do. I think with the OP she's actually doing ok. Yes she got cross... she is human and beyond frustrated but she is actually looking at what the practical problem is and the best way to deal with it which is the way to regardless of the cause. You can acknowledge things a child finds hard without a 'label'.. unless that label is going to help ie access services etc..

MAMNIL · 08/03/2021 14:39

There's a real Mars/Venus thing going on here. The blokes are on about how to fix the bike and the women are deconstructing behaviours. Not saying either side is wrong but I cant help but wonder if the lad is just a bit of a dickhead like most 13 year old boys. So he's buggered his bike - if he wants it fixed, get him to watch some YouTube vids, find a bike forum for advice and tips, and make him pay for a replacement part once he's established what it is. Then get him to fix it.

If he finds that a pain in the arse then that'll teach him for next time he wants to prat about. There's also the possibility that he might enjoy it, and if he does then it could steer him towards a career in something practical.

BTW, £400 is quite a bit of money but is nothing much in bike terms. Some high end bikes go for the price of a decent family car and they're engineered to far higher tolerances. A ft/lb too much torque on a carbon frame can write off a component costing thousands.

ikeairgin · 08/03/2021 18:43

@Tankflybosswalkjam

Ikeairgin - you kept saying he’s just clumsy - why did you think he didn’t have dyspraxia?
@allTankflybosswalkjam

I didn't understand what dyspraxia was at the time and my husband still thinks that he's been labelled unnecessarily, but I'm convinced now.

Also because he's so like I am - I have issues with being really clumsy (all the time but worse when tired) and timekeeping and organising, however I managed to find systems that worked for me and as we've got phones that can do more and more it's so much easier these days.

I didn't realise it had a name and was a "thing" my family just teased me mercelessly (still do) about not being able to organise a piss-up in a brewery and being away with the fairys.

I guess when this stuff is just viewed as ecentric and part of your personality it can be a shock to find out that it is real - that what you have struggled with your whole life and has sabotaged all kinds of things for you has a name and most importantly it's not your fault or a character flaw.

This is all my own stuff of course but it did mean that I really struggled to accept my son's diagnosis at first.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 08/03/2021 20:04

@ikeairgin it’s certainly a journey isn’t it? Flowers

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 08/03/2021 20:23

I massively failed him, by my inability to think my son had any kind of condition, because i thought children with ADHD were relentless and bouncing off the walls. That's such a small percentage. ADHD is far more emotional than that, far more subtle in the vast majority.

Yep - I failed mine too. I was (correctly) convinced my son had ADHD - he had the classic signs. I just never realised his big sister had it too. Now we're going through the process of undoing the damage.

BillMasheen · 08/03/2021 21:01

There's a real Mars/Venus thing going on here. The blokes are on about how to fix the bike and the women are deconstructing behaviours

Despite the name, I’m female.

MAMNIL · 08/03/2021 22:52

Sorry @BillMasheen, my bad! I appreciate your practical focus either way.

Eteri · 08/03/2021 23:10

I don't know why you would buy a young teen a mountain bike for anyway? Have you never been a teen? BMX bikes are the only way to go at age. They're fun, practical, can take a good bashing, good for transporting friends, and the kids like to stick stickers and shit on them. Giving a thirteen year old a mountain bike is like giving them a bmw. You can only blame yourself when it gets wrecked

Porcupineintherough · 08/03/2021 23:12

I dont know why you'd buy a young teen a mountain bike for anyway?

Around here most teens have mountain bikes because mountain biking is a big thing, downhill and distance.

BillMasheen · 08/03/2021 23:39

@MAMNIL. Grin no worries.

Sapho47 · 09/03/2021 02:31

@Edenspirits

I have told him that IF it can be fixed, he’s got to pay for it. It’s fucked all the gear mechanism at the back & it’s all bent out of shape.
The shaft or the gears?
picknmix1984 · 09/03/2021 06:56

Has anyone mentioned dyspraxia to you?