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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

255 replies

Edenspirits · 06/03/2021 15:17

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 06/03/2021 15:43

For context, my DH loves bikes, has been downhill racing and general biking since his teens. He has come off bikes, jumped them off stupid heights and is yet to ever smash one up the way it sounds your DS has.

LinenSheets · 06/03/2021 15:45

What you have described sounds very much like a family member of mine who has ADHD, the inattentive form of ADHD.

MrsClatterbuck · 06/03/2021 15:46

So he cried at being told off but not at what he had done to his bike. Is this because he automatically expects you to fix it for him.

WhoWants2Know · 06/03/2021 15:46

I think people have misinterpreted and think he's losing his temper or breaking stuff on purpose.

I used to be terrible for losing things, so I can empathise. It improved a lot when I switched to an antidepressant that is used off-label for ADHD.

Original poster
Edenspirits · 06/03/2021 15:47

@TimeForTeaAndG he fell off it doing wheelies into the gear mechanism!

He hasn’t got ADHD - honestly, he’s never showed any signs of anything like that apart from being forgetful

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenspirits · 06/03/2021 15:50

He gets really positive comments from school & his last report was really good particularly in terms of engagement- surely if he had ADHD it would have been picked up/ noticed at school by now

OP posts:
Bunnybigears · 06/03/2021 15:55

Take it to an independent bike shop or someone who fixes them at home. Halfords etc will have your eyes out and do a crap job. Unless the frame itself is broken it will be fixable. I would get it repaired so he can use it for school but then get him to pay for the repairs through chores etc. Ws he upset about breaking it or just upset about being told off? My son had his bike stolen because he didn't lock it up outside the shops, he was distraught so we didn't even tell him off he had already learnt his lesson.

Toomanycats99 · 06/03/2021 15:55

Does he think ahead? Another example
Of my DD last year when she was 8 she was drinking her milk and put the half full cup on the sofa cushion (it's quite a flat firm one). Unsurprising it fell over when she moved. she was in floods of tears didn't mean to do it etc etc. Which she didn't. Her brain just doesn't seem to link together actions and consequences.

BertieBotts · 06/03/2021 15:56

No, it's not always picked up at school. If the student is bright then they can mask or compensate. Many people aren't diagnosed until adulthood. It's a bit of a misconception that it always/primarily causes problems at school. That was never my problem, however it has caused huge issues for me socially and personally especially in adulthood.

I don't know if it sounds like ADHD, I don't think there's enough info to really say/suggest it, just wanted to clear that part up!

LinenSheets · 06/03/2021 15:56

Forgetfulness, distractabilty, procrastination, and making careless mistakes are all signs of inattentive ADHD.

Porcupineintherough · 06/03/2021 16:00

...and also of being 13 @LinenSheets.

OP my sons got rapidly better at looking after and not losing their possessions when I stopped replacing them (or at least started charging them for the replacements).

peak2021 · 06/03/2021 16:02

Tough love I think, and check about ADHD.

Original poster
Edenspirits · 06/03/2021 16:02

@Porcupineintherough I do think it’s his age - honestly don’t think he has ADHD

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 06/03/2021 16:11

Generally though when you have a repeated problem that isn't solved through several different means (e.g. reward, punishment, explanations, reasoning, experience, etc) it's usually indicative of a lagging skill.

That doesn't always mean there is a diagnosable condition (although in some cases there will be) but the way to deal with it effectively is the same - identify the skill (this is the hardest part I find especially without a clear diagnosable label!) and work on it, in the meantime scaffold ie offer extra support.

The mistake is thinking that kids aren't looking after their stuff because they don't care, and therefore you need to find some way to make them care more. Unless they're absolutely overwhelmed with loads of stuff and/or being raised with the attitude that it doesn't matter because they will get a new one immediately, this isn't usually the case - kids really are gutted and do care when things get broken or lost.

There is a really good book by Dr. Ross Greene called Raising Human Beings which goes into a really good in depth technique for problem solving with your child and identifying exactly where the difficulty lies so that you can either add some support there (e.g. Tile for things like keys) or help him practice the skill so that it's less of an issue. Or both. It doesn't really explain the lagging skills model - his other book The Explosive Child does - but that book can be a bit offputting if your child doesn't have severe behavioural issues.

BertieBotts · 06/03/2021 16:11

Generally though when you have a repeated problem that isn't solved through several different means (e.g. reward, punishment, explanations, reasoning, experience, etc) it's usually indicative of a lagging skill.

That doesn't always mean there is a diagnosable condition (although in some cases there will be) but the way to deal with it effectively is the same - identify the skill (this is the hardest part I find especially without a clear diagnosable label!) and work on it, in the meantime scaffold ie offer extra support.

The mistake is thinking that kids aren't looking after their stuff because they don't care, and therefore you need to find some way to make them care more. Unless they're absolutely overwhelmed with loads of stuff and/or being raised with the attitude that it doesn't matter because they will get a new one immediately, this isn't usually the case - kids really are gutted and do care when things get broken or lost.

There is a really good book by Dr. Ross Greene called Raising Human Beings which goes into a really good in depth technique for problem solving with your child and identifying exactly where the difficulty lies so that you can either add some support there (e.g. Tile for things like keys) or help him practice the skill so that it's less of an issue. Or both. It doesn't really explain the lagging skills model - his other book The Explosive Child does - but that book can be a bit offputting if your child doesn't have severe behavioural issues.

lunarlife · 06/03/2021 16:12

I was going to say that he sounds very similar to my ds, it drove me nuts until he got diagnosed with ADHD.
After that I find it easier to remain patient.
( The previous school he was in told me he definitely didn't have any SEN issues for what it is worth and his report cards have always been good)

We have an arrangement where I will do one replacement but he pays for anything more. Anything of value is insured against loss or accidental damage.

BunnyRuddington · 06/03/2021 16:12

He gets really positive comments from school & his last report was really good particularly in terms of engagement- surely if he had ADHD it would have been picked up/ noticed at school by now. Not necessarily. DS is 17 and it's only just being picked up now. When you read up on inattentive ADHD my DS pretty much is a classic case and sounds just like you DS

MoriParty · 06/03/2021 16:12

Gosh people are determined to label your son on here aren't they? Personally I think most kids go this phase during puberty. Uncoordinated, clumsy, forgetful. There's a lot going on in their bodies and brains at this age. Mine is the same, literally injures himself in the home numerous times a day, just minor elbow bumps and the likes, started when puberty hit, also definitely not adhdHmm.
I wouldn't punish him as such but he's old enough to understand you can't just replace things so cheap second hand replacements is what I would do.

gegs73 · 06/03/2021 16:13

DS16 is a little bit like this now and was exactly like this when he was 13. He used to lose school uniform all the time, PE trainers a shoe, coats etc throughout years 7/8. I got really upset one day and told him how much it was costing and we couldn’t afford him to be doing this and it slowed down. I think he thought we would just replace it and it didn’t really matter. He is a devil with his phones. He has lost/broken about 4 of the things, smashed 3 screens etc. We have old ones hanging about from when we have upgraded and that’s what he always has now unless he buys them himself - we don’t buy him any new. He did buy himself one after Christmas and is taking care of it well so far but we shall see. I would try not replacing stuff he loses but give old things. Let him know how upset you are and how much it costs for you to keep replacing everything. If a bike is essential too and costs too much to fix, I’d look for a cheap second hand one rather than a nice fancy one again.

OldRailer · 06/03/2021 16:14

It could easily be his age, it's a tricky time.

Time to come together now and lead him to finding a solution, costing a repair maybe? Paying from any savings?

TheHamsterCatcher · 06/03/2021 16:19

I ride a lot and the only time my bike (or any of my riding friends bikes) has been broken in the way you describe your sons bike... I had been hit side on by a car.

I ride offroad mostly and even crashing into rocks/trees, or jumping off stuff I probably shouldn't has never caused that kind of damage. Not on expensive bikes, and not on cheaper ones either.

That's not accidental damage IMHO. At best it's wilful carelessness, at worst it's deliberate.

Happyd · 06/03/2021 16:24

My 2Ds was like this at about 16 Yrs .. he once broke something every day for a week , I just had to laugh about it in the end , I think boys become very clumsy at about this age

lunarlife · 06/03/2021 16:27

I have to agree that I'm struggling to understand how it got that damaged doing wheelies.
I once twisted my bike up by accidentally crashing into a tree at speed and once when I was knocked over by a car.

Doing wheelies didn't cause much damage.

Sparrowtree · 06/03/2021 16:27

The phone/wallet would be different for me than the bike. Kids bikes are meant to be used. He hasn't bent the frame presumably so it just needs new parts. He'd be getting a cheap Nokia for a phone but the bike I'd fix.

tinyorangegiraffe · 06/03/2021 16:30

Has he recently had any growth spurts? It can take some time for everything to catch up at this age, causing all sorts of clumsiness and flailing limbs etc. Plus you know, he's a pubertal teenage boy, it's well established that risk taking (read plain daft) behaviour is common in this age group because they're literally unable to foresee or judge consequences. I second just getting him cheap stuff for the next few years!