13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

In this situation I think photos would be really useful. I've got no idea what he has done to "smash" up a bike so much it needs fully replacing?

My DD does mountain biking and has never broken a bike badly from doing a wheelie. Obviously your son's bike is used to cycle to school but at his age all the teens do wheelies- it's part of having a bike, and some of them are on much cheaper ones!

It sounds like the only thing broken is his derailleur, the bit that changes the gears at the back? If that's broken then the gears won't change. All you need to do is get a new derailleur. DD knows bike mechanics as there is a local community workshop nearby but I suggest you take it to an independent shop and they'll put a new derailleur on and connect it all back up.

It's perhaps an inconvenience but these things happen, even on a £400 bike you can have trash components that do break easily. Maybe make him do chores for you if you're really annoyed but he seems to have just been having fun. The wait for the bike will be long enough.

I would stop being angry. A you said yourself he is hysterical at you loosing it, not because he has damaged the bike.

I would stop doing my utmost and running around to solve problems for him. He broke his bike? He’ll have to walk to school instead. And you will sort the bike when it’s convenient to you.
Same with the phone (he can live wo a phone for a while) etc...

@Edenspirits

What’s most bonkers is people saying ‘oh the OP is clearly in denial and it’s obviously ADHD’ in an oh so knowing way on the basis of one post about my clumsy teenager 🤯

I agree OP. It's ridiculous.

One thought though... Are you sure HE breaks his stuff himself?
He's not knocking round with 'friends' who are bullying him and breaking his things?

Just buy him cheap things.
It is very annoying though if people buy me something expensive that I have not asked for and then get annoyed if it isn't kept pristine.

Same-same.

Apparently, we've got relationship red flags flying over us.

Leave him without. It's the only way they learn. I know it's hard to see them upset & not having what their friends have got but this really is a 'cruel to be kind' situation. I've had to do it with 2 of my boys & hated it, however, a couple of years on it's paid off.

Is the bike actually 'smashed up' or have the gears broken?

I don't buy much new. It's less annoying when it's broken/ruined then!

ADHD child and husband. Husband diagnosed in mid 30s. Masters education and good career. The difference is whether he is doing anything to prevent it/learning from it or he’s just not improving, because he can’t control it.

Does he lose track of time? Is he disorganised?

My son damaged the gears and back wheel doing the same. The cost of repairs was more than the cost of the bike new.

I didn't think DS had ADHD. Until he was diagnosed at University. I am not only his Mum, I taught him for 6 years (small school, only teacher of the subject, no other school nearby).

Don't discount it. DS is very high achieving but a disaster with chaos being wherever he is - mess, crumbs, torn, broken things. He moves constantly but can focus intensely when he needs to.

It may just be growing too. Young bodies are not always controlled by young minds, particularly at times of rapid growth.

A teacher friend of mine said that some parents are desperate for a label for their kids and after reading some of these comments, I can believe it.

Honestly. A child using a bike for wheelies? It's hardly crime of the century. Did he know it would damage the bike? Kids round here spend half their lives on one wheel or bumping up and down pavements.
I think that while it may exasperate you, step back for 2 minutes and think about it.
If it can't be fixed and you can't afford to replace it you should be able to find something on Freecycle or Facebook. Or he can walk. But don't make him feel shit about something unintentional.

In all honesty, his extravagant tears are probably an attempt to manipulate you into replacing the expensive things he’s broken, as I’m guessing it’s worked for him in the past with all the other stuff he’s broken.

I’d completely ignore the histrionics and calmly tell him you’re not replacing them until he can learn to not destroy valuable things.

@BertieBotts

Oh dear - it does seem like the post has been a bit derailed into "let's correct all the ADHD myths" - sorry if I contributed a bit to that. It's off topic and not really helpful. There isn't nearly enough information on here to say whether the child does or doesn't have ADHD.

I know it's annoying because it's a poorly named disorder but it's not especially helpful to keep rehashing the same argument when the OP is actually asking how to help her son.

People are suggesting how to help her son. The same techniques that work for children with ADHD will work for her son whether or not be has ADHD if she can be bothered to implement them but she prefers to blame her son and call it a personality fault. It's easier to do but helps her child much less.

The up has been scared off by the mentions of ADHD and one ridiculous post about red flags when she could look up the strategies that work f?or ADHD and try some with her son. Since her son is likely mY they will work.much more quickly and effectively than with a child with ADHD

Your suggestions have been excellent by the way. Ross Greene's techniques have really helped with my son

Thank you Bertie for the book recommendations, I will be getting one. Because I'm in my 40s and have issues with ADHD and dyspraxia diagnosed only after university. I tick loads of boxes from the descriptions from other posters here and had major struggles and frustration around my teen years with crap skills of not losing, breaking, injuring, or keeping time well, that everyone else seemed to find effortless and could basically have been impossible for all I could apply to them. (By the way, a "near photographic memory" quoted above - for certain situations where patterns can help you - is the way I actually did get by, and is as much a flashing light for neuro- UNtypical functioning/memory as anything else.)

Seeing no improvements and feeling shit about that for many years didn't help, so let's hope that this is indeed just a phase for a 13 year old, as it's not much fun if you are not supported by people who, actually, matter to you massively.

Likely NT, not mY !

OP, ignore all the ADHD posts, these people don’t know your son, I have a child withASD and possible ASD and she doesn’t break anything, she’s had the same iPhone for 5 years and hasn’t got a scratch on it 🤣. It just sounds like normal teenage clumsiness to me, the brain goes a bit fuzzy during puberty which makes them a bit more forgetful. Pretty normal for a kid to be messing around on his bike and accidentally break it? Hopefully now he’s broken something so expensive her will be more careful.

And I come from a family of klutzes. My dad was an angry man who lost it if something got smashed or broken.
It didn't make me stop losing or breaking stuff. It made me conceal it.
With my kids, almost everything is easily replaceable, crockery. Glasses, floors, etc.
When my kids lost or broke something they felt bad about it but always said straightaway and I would replace if it was for school and they had looked, or when it was convenient.

my ds like this he's just clumsy no sen (think some are quick to think every thing has to be linked to sen) We make him pay/wait/work off cost of replacement/repair and only replace with cheap basic if he wants upgrade he pays. This has helped focus him and now things go missing less/get broken.

Unfortunately my DH is just like this, so don’t count on him growing out of it
Honestly, it’s infuriating. He’s a genuinely lovely and intelligent man but so clumsy and forgetful. He’s always ordering new bank cards or having to call the back to unlock his online account because he’s forgotten his details again. All of our plates/ glasses are cracked or broken. He managed to drop a mug on our new bathroom sink and take a chunk out of the sink!
I just leave him to sort things out for himself and he knows to replace anything he breaks. It’s exhausting though - if we ever divorce, this will be the reason!

Assuming he's just clumsy, and assuming you have been replacing everything up to now: where is his incentive to be careful?

So in your shoes (which i wouldn't be because this wouldn't have gone on so long) i would see if you can get a bike on Gumtree, the absolute most basic bike possible so he can ride it to school. And until you can find a cheap crap bike he'd be walking.

Anything else? would be replaced if it couldn't be avoided with a shitty cheap-o, preferably 2nd hand, version. And there wouldn't be any spiffy bikes until he learned how to look after things.

He's never going to be happy ever again? Yeah, teenage emotions are hard. He needs a hug and reassurance that he will be happy again (but keep an eye on his mental health though).

Is he more upset about the bike or more upset that he's been told off?

Honestly these comments 😂
He's just a normal kid doing what kids do. Your son would get on perfectly with mine @Edenspirits. He spends his free time swinging through trees and generally being ferel. He has a mountain bike that he takes off road - he has been over the handlebars more time than I like to think. Its had lots of repairs. If your son's isn't fixable get a good second hand bike. Go to an independent bike shop.
Kids aren't meant to keep everything prisine especially if they are outdoorsy. Clothes get ripped and patched, stuff gets broken or lost, phones fall into muddy puddles. Mine has decent clothes for best, but at weekends he wears clothes from the army surplus store, his phones are always under £150 and have heavy duty protectors.

I don't think the labelling is the point.

He is clumsy and forgetful, like umpteen kids, so just work on those.

Because even if he has (very mild) adhd, then so has most kids, and I'm sure the op isn't about to medicate him.

A friend of mines child is gcse year. At exam time, anyone who had a reason for extra time (a label), sat in separate rows so they could do the time. Friend said it was 30% of the year group. How long till it's 80%?

You gave an accident-prone young teenager a £400 bike?? Madness!!

You spent that money on him, I think you need to look at yourself before you make him hysterical. He's too young to be able to cope emotionally with the responsibility that you are putting on him.

I think some folk are just prone to mishaps with things. Out my 3 dc, dd tops the household chart for breaking things. Phones, clothing, jewellery, small electrical items, even my washing machine a few years back. My boys, whilst messy, very rarely break or destroy anything. Younger ds has had his bike and a fishing rod repaired during lockdown but that’s been it. Dd is a ballet dancer, and yet by far the clumsiest and careless when it comes to possessions. I don’t want to think of how her Christmas presents have fared.