13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

It’s a bit bonkers to be honest!
I didn't believe it at first when MN diagnosed my DS but they were dead right.

That sounds very like ADHD (inattentive type) to the point that I’d be astounded if this isn’t a conversation you keep having to repeat with him.

BTW - I too am not convinced you have the full story about what happened to the bike.

It sounds to me more like he does to ow the value of things and how much they cost you to buy etc .. can you break a £400 purchase down to how many hours you need to work to earn that ? I imagine when he breaks stuff new stuff just appears so he doesn't understand . I work for minimum wage and break everything down to that when things cost a lot.. Ie I have to work all month to earn that bike etc and it's disrespectful to just break or lose stuff and expect me to replace !

As for the diagnosis thing, it’s like:

“My toenail points up in the middle and is digging at the sides.”

MN - “bet that’s an ingrowing toenail”

“No it isn’t. I don’t have ingrowing toenails. I just don’t. It’s really red and sore.”

MN - “yeah, sounds a lot like an ingrowing toenail.”

“It is NOT an ingrowing toenail, we shop at Waitrose and we have never had ingrowing toenails in the family. It’s gone septic along one side.”

MN - “That, my good bitch, is an ingrowing toenail, now get the very fuck to the chiropodist.”

Toe falls off.

It is bizarre that somebody jumped to the conclusion that it was a relationship red flag. There's no indication that he's unpopular or unkind. Breaking stuff and mistreating people are 2 very different behaviours.

I’m baffled at the damage. I’ve never broken a bike like that. What on earth was he doing??? As an aside teenagers are perfectly capable of paying for their own bikes if you give them pocket money/chores. Surely if he wants a bike he could buy one??

But this is AIBU so nobody bothers to read anyone else's posts any more

Dunno why I don't hide this section TBH, it just drives me bonkers every time I accidentally reply to a thread on here. It's no longer a board for conversation, it's for reading the OP (or just the title), barking your opinion and then leaving.

The only time you get a back and forth is when someone makes a comment (which is usually highly irrelevant from the OP!) and then you end up in an endless argument about that with no resolution or conversation about the actual issue at hand.

13 year old is careless, dicks about and breaks things. And in other news, something about bears and woods...

Op cannot afford replacement so that's it.

@Edenspirits

People are diagnosing my son, saying he’s got red flag relationships, saying there are warning bells etc on the basis of 1 post and barely any information and then saying that I am ignoring it. It’s a bit bonkers to be honest!

It is isn't it. One of mine was a nightmare as a teenager, lost everything that wasn't surgically attached to them. The first term at uni was a steep learning curve. I think it was a "absent minded professor" syndrome but you wouldn't know it now.

[quote Edenspirits]@iqqq what’s that meant to mean? He’s 13 and a child.

He’s definitely not got ADHD or neurodiverse etc.[/quote]
Ignore the drama lamas

@BertieBotts

But this is AIBU so nobody bothers to read anyone else's posts any more

Dunno why I don't hide this section TBH, it just drives me bonkers every time I accidentally reply to a thread on here. It's no longer a board for conversation, it's for reading the OP (or just the title), barking your opinion and then leaving.

The only time you get a back and forth is when someone makes a comment (which is usually highly irrelevant from the OP!) and then you end up in an endless argument about that with no resolution or conversation about the actual issue at hand.

I read your post, Bertie! I thought it was very measured and I might even buy the book you recommend ed!

I'll stop going on about ADHD now also, the OP is obviously very keen not to consider it, there's no point going on about it any more.

I agree with your earlier pragmatism, what matters in the short term is the OP finding a practical way to support her DS with this issue.

You'd wonder why it is so hard to get a diagnosis for a child with a problem. I mean all you need to say is, "he loses things and breaks things" and that's it he has a definite diagnosis. You don't even need to see him.

My youngest DS has autism, rapid cycling bipolar, severe depression, he is very precious about looking after stuff, I find my DGKs arent, its easy come easy go.

:o Well glad it was helpful to someone.

Meh

Most Teenage boys are clumsy, careless and forgetful

Adolescents' brains actually undergo changes around 11-13 years old which can affect things like cognition so it might just be his age.

Perhaps when he's calmed down you could talk to him about being more careful with his things? If you can't afford to replace it then you simply can't and he will need to save up/ wait for a birthday or christmas and that might help him learn to be slightly more considerate of his belongings.

Hope it all calms down OP.

@BertieBotts
I found your post helpful and have downloaded a sample of the book to my kindle to read later. My DD is 10 and has so many difficulties but none are problematic enough for anyone else to agree with me IYSWIM.

What’s most bonkers is people saying ‘oh the OP is clearly in denial and it’s obviously ADHD’ in an oh so knowing way on the basis of one post about my clumsy teenager 🤯

I m 56 and have spent my life breaking things. All my possessions end up trashed. In my 20a and 30s I had very few things as I didn't really value them as I knew they would just end up broken or very tatty. I always managed to ruin most books before I switched to a kindle. It isn't deliberate it just seems to happen.I pretty much never borrowed anything,even books as I knew it was too stressful worrying about keeping them pristine. It wasn't a problem as a teenager as my parents couldn't afford much so we never had expensive things. Just buy him cheap things.
It is very annoying though if people buy me something expensive that I have not asked for and then get annoyed if it isn't kept pristine . I don't ask for expensive things because I know what I am like . I even refused engagement rings in both my marriages as I knew they would end up lost or broken eventually

@IDK2

It’s a bit bonkers to be honest! I didn't believe it at first when MN diagnosed my DS but they were dead right.

I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not, but MN was dead right about my DS and really supportive for me while getting a diagnosis for autism.

I couldn't say if the OP's DS is neurodivergent or not. But ADHD techniques will help with addressing the issues. And the Ross Greene book that was recommended earlier is great.

I just knew this post would go this way... sigh.
YANBU, I’d be fuming too. It’s good he cares so much about it, it would be worse if he was dismissive, so at least you have something there to work with. Sometimes consequences are the only thing that get a child to think more clearly about their actions, natural consequences are better (walking to school instead of biking so having to leave earlier!)

Btw I have ADD and my son has ADHD ( he breaks and loses absolutely everything too)

Our 11 year old DD is like this, my husband is really clumsy and forgetful too so I figure she just takes after him. I'm dreading the teenage years when she has to organise her own stuff for school etc.

I'm not really sure why it makes a difference if it somehow was diagnosed as ADHD. Can you really not just be forgetful anymore? The OP is still asking for advice, not an internet diagnosis based on one post.

Me too bumbling. Lose everything. Shoes are the only thing I will pay for.