To ask for money for wedding presents?

[AvocadoHo]

Myself and fiancé have been together years, lived together 3years. We have everything for our home. Although, we are currently in the process of renovating. We get married next year and fiancé has said about asking for money for wedding present that we can put towards house renovation.
Is this acceptable? How would you word it? I've had a few wedding invites with the cheeky/funny poems asking for money and these make me a little uncomfortable. 🙈😂

We haven’t asked for anything, traditionally money would be the default/expected gift.

My cousin did one of those gift sites where you could purchase a wantes item, or buy credits for things e.g honeymoon excursion etc. That worked quite well.

If you don't quite like the idea of money, maybe ask for vouchers. John Lewis vouchers would get you furniture, wallpaper, etc. B&Q a whole range of practical items.
We knew we'd be refurbing at some point so got JL and bought an oak table that will last a lifetime, as we preferred that to just stuff x

Quite shocking to ask for money. Have a gift free wedding, as you have all you need by the sound of it. Great for the guests,with no hassle,wondering what to by. Or maybe some might help you with your renovations gift wise.

OP, in the real world, a lot of invitations now ask for money in one way or another.

I got married several years ago now and everyone was asking what we wanted for gifts, so we had a small gift list with inexpensive things that we actually needed, ranging from £5 up to £50, and stated that we don't need many things, but IF people wanted to give a gift we would love vouchers for XYZ store. (a cheap store, not John Lewis).

Everybody was happy to have some idea of what to get us that would be useful, and it enabled us to get furniture for the living room rather than receiving 55 chopping boards, toasters, glasses etc that we had no room or need for.

If you don't want to put something in the invitations, then create something online that you can link people to if they ask.

You are not being grabby, you are being realistic and giving people an option when they ask what you want.

We didn't mention gifts on the invite, but mostly received cash. We didn't mention as felt it was very grabby, especially as weddings cost so much to attend. It was also really lovely opening the few gifts we were given as they were all very personal to us.

Please for the love of god don’t send out a poem! (Although if you do, please share which one).

I can’t be exercised by this. It’s going to be 50/50 on here. Personally have no problem with giving cash if that’s what’s preferred.

I know it sounds super American, but set up a wedding website to put on the invite, with all the info (hotels, directions, etc etc) and have a gift section which has a cash app. That’s where you can explain you’re renovating. Set out a discreet box for envelopes at the reception, beside a fleet of champers

I think it also depends on the kind of wedding. If you choose to get married somewhere remote (including within the UK not just abroad) which means that most of your guest list need to book accommodation and/or expensive travel, then it’s grabby.

I got married in 2019 and it was a London wedding where 90% of our guest list got the tube or an Uber home. Because of this, they really did want to give something and our modest gift list sold out. People gave cash in envelopes without us asking.

I think another factor in this is that we were only just moving into our first home together two months after getting married (ie. from tiny rented flat to tiny owned house). If we had already been set up with a fully kitted house with all the trimmings I doubt people would have been so generous.

So basically, it’s not just about whether asking cash is crude. It’s about the context of what you’re asking of your guests for attending and what they know you already have. I wouldn’t mind giving cash towards a couple’s reno. But I would despise you for asking if I’d had to take annual leave and pay £300 to attend your wedding.

Twenty odd years ago, we asked for Debenhams vouchers or contributions towards driving lessons. We jokingly asked for a house and a car too. We got a Dinky car and a lovely ceramic house.

I have no issue giving money but a couple of times I've also given something personalised to couples I know very well (and I also know their taste).

I work with lots of Greeks - you know where you are with them

It’s still tacky. People know nowadays that couples would prefer money most of the time, so if you say nothing the majority of your gifts will likely be cash anyway.

Yes Nails and those that can't afford it at all don't feel such pressure.

I'm in Ireland and I've never heard of people actually asking for money but I've rarely known anyone to give a wedding present that isn't money.

If a wedding invite doesn’t mention money I give them cash, if a invite says they want money instead of a gift they get a gift.

I'm always baffled by the people saying asking for money is vulgar.

I suspect that there's a lot of problems with gifts.

• recipient might own it or even a better version of it
• it might not be to recipients taste. For example someone who owns all white towels might not want black towel
• recipient might never use the item eg a slow cooker

Rather than the recipient getting it out when I come round/secretly regifting it or letting it languish in a cupboard, I'd rather contribute to something that the couple needs and if that's their bathroom retiled then that's more than fine.

It’s tacky to put anything about gifts of any type on your invite. It’s not tacky to provide guests with the means to find out what the bride and groom would prefer. Find it quite mad people get pissed off because they’d rather buy some towels than just turn over the money 🥴

@Hidehi4

If a wedding invite doesn’t mention money I give them cash, if a invite says they want money instead of a gift they get a gift.

Wow. Why? Just to be deliberately belligerent? I’d say you’re fun at parties. Or weddings. Do you also take home the table arrangements?

I don't really see why you need to say anything.
If people want to give cash they will.
People know you've been together years
They know you're doing up a house
I just wouldn't say anything

As a guest I far prefer giving cash. If it’s close family I’d probably buy a gift too but cash is easier for me, removes the need for agonising whether it’s to their taste/useful. It’s also better for the couple so I don’t see why/how it’s vulgar (I think it’s an old-fashioned thought that indicates the guest doesn’t want to put the effort in and I can see that perspective but it’s a win-win). I agree with pp that a poem can be irritating but a statement of we do not expect gifts but a donation to our honeymoon would be welcome in cards with a post box

Don’t mention anything about gifts on the invite and you’ll get cash/vouchers anyway

Most people give money anyhow. Just put nothing.

Walks away muttering about the misuse of the pronoun myself.

I think you need to phrase it carefully and make it optional so you aren't being grabby. But, I think it makes perfect sense and I would be happy to do that. It would be nice to feel I had contributed to something specific so if you can find a way to do that it least let people know later it would be much less impersonal.

It’s normal to get money in Ireland. You don’t ask for it as such, but that is what everyone gives. It makes so much more sense.

MN can be so strange. The reality is that you invite people who love and care about you to your wedding. Those people will want to give you a gift. I would put together a gift list for Ikea or John Lewis, but also have your mum or best friend float the idea of cash to your close relatives and friends.

Consider that when you get married people may still be financially struggling/recovering from covid and may give more than they can to avoid looking 'cheap'. Ask for vouchers for B&Q and pay for some materials that way but don't ask for cash. Perhaps if close family or friends ask what you'd like specifically you could say you're not sure and casually hint that you're saving up for the renovation and aren't sure what you'll be replacing.

Some MNers would have an attack of the vapours at weddings in other countries where they pin money to you Or throw wads of cash on the ground while you all dance!

Honestly, who gets wound up about asking for cash in a card??

Yeah and a couple of glasses in my handbag. I don’t know why it winds me up. The first time I received a invite asking for cash instead of gifts was really nasty. Basically any gifts they received would be binned. They then had wedding fund jars all over the venue and then the bride 3 times went on the mic and asked for everyone to empty their pockets, so I think it was from that experience that I see it as grabby