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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for money for wedding presents?

416 replies

AvocadoHo · 06/03/2021 13:46

Myself and fiancé have been together years, lived together 3years. We have everything for our home. Although, we are currently in the process of renovating. We get married next year and fiancé has said about asking for money for wedding present that we can put towards house renovation.
Is this acceptable? How would you word it? I've had a few wedding invites with the cheeky/funny poems asking for money and these make me a little uncomfortable. 🙈😂

OP posts:
FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 07/03/2021 07:32

@Jamboree01 Nobody will ever say it to a bride’s face! Not a bride who runs a poem about asking for money past them!

I completely disagree. My bridesmaids would have told me straight if they'd have thought a poem was a tacky idea. As would the particular guests that I mentioned it to too.

I was invited the a wedding pre-covid and they had set up a gift registry at the White Company (which is known for being expensive) - why is this any more acceptable than asking for money?

Bourbonic · 07/03/2021 07:36

You'll find that most people will give money without referencing gifts at all in your invites.

We also received some gifts and it was nice having those bits to open too.

GappyValley · 07/03/2021 07:36

This topic is like second hand clothes where the answers are so dependent on class, background and upbringing as to be totally useless to the OP.

There are so posters who come from a strata of society the worst crime is to be seen as ‘grabby’ so the etiquette is to insist on no gifts at all and then feign total shock and surprise when you get given anything.

Others are from backgrounds or cultures where it is seen as rude to not give some indication of what you want.

All these threads really do is show that cultures and classes have quite ingrained views of how they like their rituals to go. One isn’t ‘right’ or indicative of the national norm.

I have been asked for money at several weddings in recent years. They’ve all been either veh posh, or quite skint boho types
I don’t remember any bosom hoisting from guests, everyone seemed to give willingly.

FrancesHaHa · 07/03/2021 07:42

If you want money I would rather know so I can give what is wanted. I'm not going to turn up at a wedding empty handed as a) it's not the done thing, but more importantly b) I actually like people whose weddings I go to and want to gift them something. If you don't tell me you'd like money I'll probably buy you a present, which could be a duplicate or not quite right.

It's difficult to compare to countries where money is always given as you don't need to explicitly say you want money in those scenarios as it's just unspoken. In England it's not a given so it's better to say. I think some people are happier if it's dressed up as being for a specific thing eg a breakfast on a honeymoon, or vouchers etc

MarinPrime · 07/03/2021 08:07

Mentioning money or gifts on a wedding invitation just seems tacky.
The last wedding I went to the couple had made it known they didn't want anything as they had everything they needed, but people could donate to a particular charity if they wanted to give something.

Ginger1982 · 07/03/2021 08:58

"Just say ‘cash gifts only’ in the invitation and don’t stress."

Oh God, don't do this.

Blockedoff · 07/03/2021 09:03

I’d never turn up empty handed to a wedding but would decline an invite that asked for cash as would feel like I was being invited for the cash.

Such drama!

It's fine OP, I love giving a cash gift! So easy!

Inaquandry19 · 07/03/2021 09:06

I much prefer giving money than picking from a wedding list. I couldn't give a shiny shit if people ask for money, this has been the case for the last few weddings I have been to and I don't see the issue.

greeneyedlulu · 07/03/2021 09:07

Don't most people give money these days anyway? The people you invite surely know that you've lived together etc so aren't going to give you a toaster. I don't think I've ever given a gift, always money.

peak2021 · 07/03/2021 09:10

I'd prefer picking something. I thought of buying a tin of paint or some wood as a wedding present towards the renovation, and the idea appealed as being original.

SirSamuelVimes · 07/03/2021 09:16

@MarinPrime

Mentioning money or gifts on a wedding invitation just seems tacky. The last wedding I went to the couple had made it known they didn't want anything as they had everything they needed, but people could donate to a particular charity if they wanted to give something.
But what if I do want gifts??
sixthtimelucky · 07/03/2021 09:36

Talking of money, if I had a quid for every identical thread I've seen on MN since I joined in 2006, I could buy a flat in Mayfair.

Still as divisive as ever though.

My take: I think it's rude to go to a wedding or any private event without taking a gift and I also think (inadvertently) more rude NOT to mention gifts/money on invite because then the onus is on the guest to contact the couple to ask what they want.

I'm another one who has never witnessed outrage in real life over gift lists or asking for money.

Passmethefrazzles · 07/03/2021 09:38

Personally I’m delighted when the bride and groom ask for money, it’s always been worded extremely politely with no pressure. The gift tradition started with couples setting up home when they married so generally needed to start from scratch, not often the case now. Several years ago we were sent a wedding list where every single item was SO expensive e.g. V&B china when a teeny coffee cup and saucer cost more than a bale of Turkish towels, (and it was clearly expected that just one cup and saucer was not acceptable). I disregarded the list and sent a decent amount of JL vouchers, never got a thank you.

sixthtimelucky · 07/03/2021 09:40

And to whoever said no-one on this thread has said they'd go to a wedding empty handed - yes they have. A few miserable voices have said that a wedding costs enough to attend, why should they take a gift (answer: because it's blood rude - you could take a £10 bottle of wine which would be perfectly fine).

Rollmopsrule · 07/03/2021 09:50

I would be happy to give money as a present. We all have so much 'stuff' - it's not surprising couples don't need any more.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/03/2021 11:23

I’ve been to many Irish weddings and all of them had ‘cash gifts only’ in the invitation, so I guess this is a really local thing that only applies to parts of Ireland.
I've never been asked I'm from Dublin and Monaghan with family scattered all around Ireland.
I automatically assume if they're living together give cash cover the cost of the meal with a bit extra.

wizzywig · 07/03/2021 11:25

Haven't read the thread. I know in a
some cultures, money is a totally acceptable gift. Do you have that to fall back on?

Emeraldshamrock · 07/03/2021 11:33

I was invited the a wedding pre-covid and they had set up a gift registry at the White Company (which is known for being expensive) - why is this any more acceptable than asking for money?
It isn't more acceptable it is probably worse. Smile
I'm sure your guest were fine about it as it is usual practice.

KarensChoppyBob · 07/03/2021 11:36

I don't think it's about money being an acceptable gift or not itself. It's about asking for it on an invite with or without shit poetry that's cringe.

Also am of Irish descent and have yet to see it mentioned on an invite (Cork/Kerry/Dublin).

thecatsthecats · 07/03/2021 11:57

Genuinely baffled by the idea that asking for specific gifts is ok but not for experiences.

My honeymoon was the best few weeks of my life. I cried when I caught the plane home, and was so grateful for every last penny that made it more awesome.

As much as I liked some of them, no physical gift came close. And one vase and set of mugs I was pretty happy when they accidentally broke.

(Fair enough to those who think asking for anything is wrong - at least they're consistent.)

KarensChoppyBob · 07/03/2021 11:59

Same goes for John Lewis lists and similar. Though I think they've died a death now.

I remember my DM fretting that the nicest item on the list she could afford for a good friend's wedding had already gone. She was bereft.

In the end she went off-list with something personal that her good friend loved.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2021 12:00

I'm wondering whether the proper way forward is to ask for no gifts or money at all

Personally yes, I believe it is

As we see time and time again it's what the vast majority will give anyway, because they know perfectly well a couple who've lived together for ages will have most "stuff" they want - so why risk offence when it's just not necessary?

Unless it's to dissuade Mad Aunt Dot from giving yet another hideous handmade gift, and that won't work anyway because she'll probably give it no matter what you do

ancientgran · 07/03/2021 12:23

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I'm wondering whether the proper way forward is to ask for no gifts or money at all

Personally yes, I believe it is

As we see time and time again it's what the vast majority will give anyway, because they know perfectly well a couple who've lived together for ages will have most "stuff" they want - so why risk offence when it's just not necessary?

Unless it's to dissuade Mad Aunt Dot from giving yet another hideous handmade gift, and that won't work anyway because she'll probably give it no matter what you do

Exactly.
ancientgran · 07/03/2021 12:25

@sixthtimelucky

And to whoever said no-one on this thread has said they'd go to a wedding empty handed - yes they have. A few miserable voices have said that a wedding costs enough to attend, why should they take a gift (answer: because it's blood rude - you could take a £10 bottle of wine which would be perfectly fine).
Bottle of wine would have been useless for me and DH, both tee total.
KarensChoppyBob · 07/03/2021 12:39

Smile @ ancientgran.

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