To ask for money for wedding presents?

[AvocadoHo]

Myself and fiancé have been together years, lived together 3years. We have everything for our home. Although, we are currently in the process of renovating. We get married next year and fiancé has said about asking for money for wedding present that we can put towards house renovation.
Is this acceptable? How would you word it? I've had a few wedding invites with the cheeky/funny poems asking for money and these make me a little uncomfortable. 🙈😂

I'm in early thirties and have been to 21 weddings over the past decade (I promise I was invited, am not a wedding crasher). As a wedding veteran, I feel well-placed to weigh in. There was about a fifty-fifty split between couples who requested cash (e.g towards furniture or house renovations) and couples who had an official gift list. (I've also never seen the difference myself between a gift list and asking for cash. Surely you could argue both are equally grabby.) Anyway, I think this question always reveals an interesting generation gap. Out of my friends, no one would bat at eyelid at being asked for cash at a wedding, and I think it's pretty much the norm now. HOWEVER, DOING IT IN A POEM IS HORRIFIC AND SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. In fact, any kind of twee poetry should be illegal. So in conclusion - asking for money is totes normal and fine, doing it via a poem is GROSS.

@1FootInTheRave

Don't mention gifts at all on the invitation.

Most will likely give money anyway.

We did this when we married and the majority of our guests gave cash.

I always find wedding lists pretty vulgar so I don’t know why everyone is getting het up about money. If it’s usual in your circle do, just skip the poem.

I would always give a gift mainly money it is nice to have a choice.
I have never received an invitation requesting cash or with a cheesy poem.

because money to go into the pot doesn't feel the same to me and it's more like just paying to go to a wedding rather than helping them celebrate their new life together.

I honestly don’t get this.

The last few weddings have all asked (politely) for donations towards a honeymoon if people want to give a gift.

I couldn’t be more happy to do that. If it’s what they want.

Times have changed - everyone knows weddings are crazy money and everyone already has what they need for the house. I'm always relieved when money is an option because it saves me stressing about a gift and buying something that isn't wanted or needed. I think of cash as the universal gift voucher.

I was really touched when we had an invite where it simply said we really want you to celebrate with us. No mention of gifts or money. Most people just gave money anyway and we felt we wanted to be more generous because the couple didn’t expect anything.
I hate the poems and insincere messages with a request for money, and wedding lists can be awkward too.

Absolutely crass, sorry.

@MapGirlExtraordinaire well, they could just not ask for gifts/money 🤷‍♀️. FWIW, I was also an older bride and DH & I just did it, the two of us with a witness.

I just think that they’ve chosen to have the big do and then expect their guests to pay for a holiday that they could have just paid for, were they not choosing to spend £££ on a wedding. Up to them of course, but as pp said, it’s like selling tickets.

Also, asking for money means the receiver can see exactly how much each has given and I’m not really comfortable with that. If we attend, it’s going to cost a few hundred (not local so will need accommodation for at least 2 days, pet sitter, petrol, food & drink) and then I’m being asked for at least another £50. What we’ll spend in total, is about half a holiday for us. In fact, reading my reply, I’d rather donate money and not go!

I personally find these poems in invites grabby and out of principle will not give money for those but gift experiences. I would suggest you put a simple note saying that you have a home filled with the things you need and gifts are not required. This way people know not to buy a gift and they feel the giving of money is optional not expected.

@ThereOnceWasANote

Times have changed - everyone knows weddings are crazy money and everyone already has what they need for the house. I'm always relieved when money is an option because it saves me stressing about a gift and buying something that isn't wanted or needed. I think of cash as the universal gift voucher.

Money is always an option as a gift- it just doesn’t need to be requested as one.

I only ever give money as a wedding gift so that the couple can put it to whatever they want to. They don’t need to ask in an invitation... not for any gift. It’s grabby. Gift lists, cringeworthy poems, requests for gifts of any sort are shit.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense (which seems to be the absolute majority of any wedding I’ve been to) give money as a gift.

It’s got nothing to do with age. I have money to the couple whose wedding was the first one I attended as a (very young) adult and I’ll give money to the couple whose wedding is the last I attend. I just hope they aren’t crass enough to request it.

I always give money as a wedding gift. It is a bit lazy of me but i think it is practical. I am not offeneded by people who ask for money. However i do think it is pretty tacky.

I had quite a big wedding. A very small no of guests gave gifts and the rest was a split between vouchers and cash. We send out invites and asked for nothing but our friends and families attendance in return. I don't really see why people feel the need to ask for anything. I don't really think there is a polite way to do it, it all means come to our wedding and give us some cash please.

I don't understand this 'asking for money is rude' thing. Asking for money in lieu of a gift is fine, because normally people buy you a gift that you want, and if you want money then that's the gift. Much better than a random gift you don't need that will end up in landfill.

I think it's rude to assume you should have the right to attend someone's wedding without bringing any gift. It is customary and appropriate to give a gift.

We’ve been to a few where presents are not mentioned, or else they say ‘no presents, just presence’ but have always put some cash in a card anyway.

Depends to some extent on the wedding IMO - if it’s the sort where people have to travel quite a distance, plus pay for a hotel etc., they’ll be less likely to cough up, though we have regardless.

We went to one where they’d said (nicely enough IMO) that they only had a very small flat with everything they needed and no space for anything else, so no presents, thank you, but if anyone felt like contributing to their honeymoon it’d be very gratefully received.

As far as I know, a wedding registry is quite normal. It's a list of things to help the couple get started with their life together.

If you already have what you need, then you can ask for a contribution to something else you can enjoy together...your honeymoon etc.

I haven’t seen anyone on here say that they presume that it’s okay to attend a wedding without bringing a gift.

The majority seem to be more than happy to give money... most just think it’s tacky or rude for couples to include a request for any kind of gift in their invitations.

(A donation to charity in lieu of a gift is the only time a gift should be mentioned on an invitation in my opinion).

I wouldn't ask for anything, if I received a gift or cash I'd be happy. It is grabby it often costs guests a small fortune to attend with an overnight stay, plus if they've attended the stag/hen do too.
There is a reason people see an invitation as an invoice these days.
Get married put on a reception your choice asking for a choice of gift is rude.

I don't get why asking for physical gifts is less rude than asking for money. You are asking for money or asking for something with monetary value. What's the difference?

Also, surely a gift registry is far more grabby, as you will presumably have a range of priced items on there, but not loads of things in each price range. So I might only be able to afford forty quid, but when I look the registry there were only four things in my budget and they've gone, so now I have to spend more. Whereas j could have just put the forty quid in the card.

I'm sure for those who I have given cash to won't think we are mean

I don't suppose they will, if the people you know are decent

However I'm always reminded of the young groom I've mentioned before, who insisted they should ask for cash "because people would spend more than they'd have done on a gift"

I don't get why asking for physical gifts is less rude than asking for money.
Pp's so far who disagreed are saying it is inappropriate to ask for anything, those wedding gift lists are just as tacky as a money request.

I think its rude to ask, sorry. I do think though they if you don't have a wedding list, then most people will give you money anyway. Saying that, I never give money myself, if i go to a wedding I feel I know the couple we'll enough to chose a gift they would like, rather than already have etc. Feel I am in the minority however!

It’s not less rude. Asking for ANY kind of gift is rude!

Invite those who you want to share your day. Leave them in peace to decide what they think is a suitable present- money or otherwise. Most will give money because they have common sense.

The day really isn’t about getting materialistic gifts (including money).

But I was asked for (monetary) gifts at every wedding I'd been to... Why would it not be ok to ask for the same thing?

I really do think this is one of those things that is dependent on your social circle. There's no point asking Mumsnet unless the people you are inviting to your wedding are the people on this thread. If it's the done thing in your circle, do it. If it's not, don't.

I loved my partially wedding gift funded honeymoon. And I am really happy that I was able to help fund the honeymoons of my friends. What a lovely gift to have given people I care about.

@Emeraldshamrock

I don't get why asking for physical gifts is less rude than asking for money. Pp's so far who disagreed are saying it is inappropriate to ask for anything, those wedding gift lists are just as tacky as a money request.

Because it makes it 100% obvious how much you have given them. If you give a physical gift you can buy in a sale or make something yourself. But you shouldn't mention gifts in the actual invitation.

But you shouldn't mention gifts in the actual invitation.

Why?? You know it's social convention to bring a gift. I know it's social convention to bring a gift. But for goodness sake, don't say the word gift! Or even better, lie about wanting gifts! Because if you say you don't expect gifts most people will give you money, so then you can get money but not ask for money!

REALLY??

Also, make something yourself? Please god no. Stick a tenner in a card, it'll buy me a couple of beers and a foot massage on the Kho San Road and I will think happy thoughts about you as I drink. And I won't have to keep your decoupage photo frame in my house. Win-win.