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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

289 replies

CherryTwin · 05/03/2021 21:22

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

OP posts:
Pulledamonica · 06/03/2021 07:51

Wow lots of people getting their knickers in a twist by me saying she should get over it.

If we let ourselves be infinitely affected by every single thing that happened in our lives then we'd never accomplish a thing and we'd probably spend the rest of our lives curled up in bed in the fetal position.

I said earlier that I have been through what the OP has gone through, although people have chosen to ignore that part of my post.

Maybe it was my choice of words that people have taken exception to? Maybe if I'd said "get some therapy and resolve your issues" then people wouldn't be so angry about it, despite the sentiment being the same?

My overall point was that the OP is continuing to let her life be affected by the actions of one person who probably doesn't even care. She is giving continual headspace to something that happened years back to the degree it's affecting a part of her life. To me, that is silly and the faster the OP can "get over it" the faster her life will be less stressful.

babyyodaxmas · 06/03/2021 07:54

Are you 12 ? I think my 14 would show more maturity and be able to problem solve her way out of this one more efficiently. Either use the shop taking into account this woman may serve you or don't -simples.

mynewusernameisthis · 06/03/2021 08:11

@CherryTwin some of the comments on here are crazy. I can only imagine that lots of people just have no idea what it's like to be bullied like that. I totally get it. I think you're very brave to still shop there and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to be served by her. Personally I don't think I could go in, which is why I think you're brave. Good for you OP

butterpuffed · 06/03/2021 08:12

As she last bullied you when you were 18, you were both [more or less] adults, so she probably recognises you too and knows why you didn't want to go to her till. Don't give her that power.

mynewusernameisthis · 06/03/2021 08:13

@Ideasplease322

You are still giving her a huge amount of power over you. She is still winning.

She is a crappy human being. She doesn’t have the self awareness or emotional intelligence to grasp that.

Either don’t use the shop, or breeze it out. But hanging back as if you are scared of her just plays into her hands.

My old school bully now works in a hotel that I frequently use for work. I did a stiff hello, she pretended she didn’t know me. We now interact like we are strangers.

But yes I also wondered this.

But you need to do what's right for you OP. And only you know what that is

MerryDecembermas · 06/03/2021 08:13

Nice victim blaming on this thread.

I have been badly bullied and I would cross the street to avoid anyone from that time. It was 20 years ago.

I don't give it any headspace anymore but I'm lucky enough to have moved away 150 odd miles. I can't think what a mess I would still be if I had not had the luxury of literal freedom from ever being reminded of that time.

YANBU OP and some of the posters here should feel ashamed of themselves.

sweetnessnfight · 06/03/2021 08:16

I would speak to others in the shop when she wasn't there and explain her past and why you won't be served by her.

SecretSpAD · 06/03/2021 08:24

She doesn’t consume my thoughts, I don’t need counselling or to get over it. I just don’t want to pass the time of day or make small talk with someone I consider absolute scum

I do this as well. I was bullied at school. Beaten up, thrown out of a (ground floor) dorm window, had ru ours spread about me.....my "crime?" I was ginger and a swot.

I occasionally see my bullies. They haven't changed much - still thick, useless scum. I however have a fabulous career, a fabulous husband and a very happy life. That's my revenge. They.....well, they are trying to cling on to their rich husbands by starving themselves and botoxing within an inch of their lives....while said husbands are openly canvassing for their 30-something replacements. Grin

BilboBercow · 06/03/2021 08:27

OP I was bullied at school and I know it can have a lifelong impact on how you feel about yourself and your bully.
I do think from your reaction and anger here on the thread that this is something that you maybe need to seek counselling about. It seems to be consuming you still.

Confusedandshaken · 06/03/2021 08:30

You could have said 'I'd rather be served by you' and left it at that. It would seem like odd behaviour and to be fair it is a bit odd but it's your choice.

Have you considered that by allowing your understandable dislike of this woman to control your behaviour she is still having a negative impact on your life? You are giving her power over you. Next time why not choose the shortest queue regardless of who is at the till?

MumUndone · 06/03/2021 08:38

I'm aghast at posters telling OP to grow up, get over it or stop using the shop.

OP, YANBU to use a different till, and I agree with pp that if you're asked to use the till being manned by your bully just say, 'no thanks, she assaulted me at school' and that's it.

Beefcurtains79 · 06/03/2021 08:44

The responses on here are some of the worse victim blaming I’ve ever seen. Either a lot of school bullies or people with no idea of how it can affect you.

Holly60 · 06/03/2021 08:48

Can I ask why you don’t want to be served by her though? Is it because you are frightened that she might hurt you again? Or is it to make some kind of point to her?

I’m afraid she doesn’t care at all what you think of her. So I would either try to get over it and just let her serve you, or shop somewhere else.

The current situation sounds like it’s taking up a lot of your headspace, whilst she is most likely totally oblivious. Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face x

crystalcherry87 · 06/03/2021 08:54

This reply has been deleted

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pictish · 06/03/2021 08:55

@MumUndone

I'm aghast at posters telling OP to grow up, get over it or stop using the shop.

OP, YANBU to use a different till, and I agree with pp that if you're asked to use the till being manned by your bully just say, 'no thanks, she assaulted me at school' and that's it.

Absolutely.

I’d feel the same OP. Having some banal, polite exchange....even a minimal one, in which both parties pretend like one didn’t subject the other to a humiliating and protracted campaign of assault and abuse, just would not wash with me either. Fuck that noise.

I was also assaulted and tormented by bullies at school. I wouldn’t want to have to be polite to one of them on the daily. I’d far rather avoid any interaction at all...and I am 45 now. It never goes away. The impact has been huge.

I have ended up being rather a bold, assertive person despite their revolting behaviour and I would do exactly as described there...polite, matter of fact, even pleasant in my demeanour...I would not use that till and I’d have no qualms about calmly stating why.

SomeRandomerOnBumsnet · 06/03/2021 09:00

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!
Hmm weird, stupid comment
poppycat10 · 06/03/2021 09:01

I don't think you are unreasonable OP and just ignore the eye-rolling from other shop assistants.

I've had it when I've been directed to a self-serve till and I've said no I want to be served as a human. They roll their eyes and look irritated but you know the old adage that the customer is always right (though they're very often not!)

I wouldn't say anything about why you don't want to be served by her, it's better that she has a job and is being useful to society than that they perhaps sack her. I think people deserve to be rehabilitated.

But if I could I would shop elsewhere.

Robintakeover · 06/03/2021 09:01

By making an issue about not going to the bullies till I think you let the bully know she still had power over you . If you were strong and untouchable you would not have thought twice. You have done nothing wrong OP - hold your head high and use her till

poppycat10 · 06/03/2021 09:02

served by a human

Shangrilalala · 06/03/2021 09:04

With you OP. School bullying has a lasting effect. Our school mega bully is now a social worker. Pre-COVID, when I saw her at school pick up, I was instantly transported back to my petrified 13 year old self. I’d really hate to be a client within her caseload and am sure there must be the (more the occasional) awkward conversation.

Gin4thewin4 · 06/03/2021 09:05

I would go to her till every time in that situation.
Stare her dead in the eyes and be ott nice to her. Grin
People like her cannot stand that Wink

ddl1 · 06/03/2021 09:12

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

No, her wages are paid by her employers, not by the individual customer.

I hate the attitude that some people have to shop employees, public sector workers and others: 'I pay your wages so I'm the boss, I know my rights, etc.'.)

DrSbaitso · 06/03/2021 09:13

Unfortunately, I think it's very likely that she doesn't remember OP at all or if she does, doesn't think she did anything that bad. Mind games like staring her down or being super polite and so on are most unlikely to have any effect on her except maybe to make her think OP is a bit intense and weird.

I don't think you're going to get any kind of "win" over her, OP. You just have to choose from your options: use the till, don't use the till, say why, don't say why, use the shop, don't use the shop. But I wouldn't place any investment on getting some kind of "revenge" through it. She isn't going to lose her job or be mentally tormented by anything you do, so just make your choice based on what is best for you rather than what you imagine will be worst for her.

ddl1 · 06/03/2021 09:18

YANBU!

I wouldn't blame the other shop employee: she doesn't know the situation, and has probably been instructed to keep the queues moving. But I fully understand not wishing to be served by someone who has been violent toward you in the past.

I wouldn't worry too much about some stranger thinking you're nuts.

Brieminewine · 06/03/2021 09:25

OP I think you need to stop over thinking this, you’re not in high school anymore, she’s not going to attack you over the conveyer belt.

A shop assistant asked you to move to her till, you said no and that was the end of it. That’s it. Over, done, stop giving it so much head space, it’s not healthy. If it’s effecting you so much seeing her then maybe it would be best for your own mental health to shop elsewhere.