To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

[CherryTwin]

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

I was bullied at school. It's awful. I'd do the same as you. You are on the higher ground. Fortunately I am very far away from my bullies. I do sometimes wonder if their lives are so much better for having been/perhaps still being bullies. I doubt it very much. I now keep a keen eye open with my grandchildren with regards to bullying. Take care.

The shop assistant obviously didn’t know the backstory so it undoubtedly looked really weird but ultimately YANBU.

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

Also, she may not have finished her shift, but may have other things to do if it’s quiet like put out stock/ pull forward. She may just go on the till when it’s really busy. She also doesn’t know what’s happened between you and your childhood fiend. She could just say til closed - and walk away like they do in Aldi lol. If you really don’t want to get served by the bully I’d shop elsewhere.

You were all kids

No, not at 18 in the nightclub.This isn't about someone calling the OP names in the school playground at the age of 6; it's about persistent physical and mental abuse into adulthood. Not that bullying should be permitted even with children; but this was far more persistent and extreme even than 'ordinary' school bullying.

OP, you are clearly carrying a lot of bitterness and anger. Try and find ways to let this go, as it will eat you up. The best "revenge" is living well and brushing past experiences off.

Whether Head Teachers are under pressure to keep these violent yobs at school I don't know but my daughter was regularly attacked by one individual who was "known" to the police and the school seemed unable or unwilling to do anything about it. In the end I had to do something so I placed her in an Indepedent School. It cost a small fortune but it was worth it. And I have to say the difference in the standards of teaching and total lack of any disciplinary problems is stark.

Regarding your shop thing. I'd go somewhere else until she's gone from there. And she'll go , sooner rather than later.

I’d feel the same as you OP.

Although the other shop assistant can’t be expected to know any of the background to this, so from her point of view your refusal to move will have looked odd.

You should make complaints about her to the shop management. If you can contact them online then you can make lots of anonymous complaints using different accounts (preferably using a VPN, so they don't recognise the same IP address). Complaints should be varied, but focus on her being rude, offensive, not caring.

No doubt some idiot will say this is outrageous and unfair, but bullies deserve everything their victims decide they do. Bullying can damage people throughout their entire life, so it is morally just to do everything in your power to damage the bully throughout their own life too.

Good luck, and remember that revenge can be served many, many times.

YANBU to choose another till, however obviously the other assistant has no idea why you aren't moving to an empty till so her reaction is normal.

From what you've said, I'm sure there will be other customers coming in who refuse to be served by her too, I'm sure she's upset a lot of people from what you've said. Regardless of what anyone else would do, you stood your ground and felt empowered. Well done!

I would just state I am happy to wait to be served by you. Thank you for asking though with a nice smile.

She will think you are nice and other woman knows why.

I was fortunate not to have been bullied as a child but I have been several times as an adult. My ex husband was one of those. We have moved hundreds and hundreds of miles away and even now - I can see someone on the tv or in the street who has similar facial features (he has a distinctive look - I don’t mean someone with two eyes!) and my heart stops and I sweat etc and I feel fearful. I still have to see my ex for drop off and pick up for the next 10 years but maybe less but I feel that this reaction of extreme stress when I see someone similar is imprinted on my soul. I haven’t seen my exes parents for 7 years as they made my life hell I often think of phoning them or writing to them or one day bumping into them and rehearse what I might say. You can think of all the witty or mean things and practise it in your head but it rarely pans out that way in real life. I know my emotions will kick in and I will run like the wind and blank them.

In your case I’d blank here and focus your natural warmth on the other staff.

Good for you, stand your ground. Though I'd be going into the shop and dropping the odd thing so I could watch her clean it up

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

You should make complaints about her to the shop management. If you can contact them online then you can make lots of anonymous complaints using different accounts (preferably using a VPN, so they don't recognise the same IP address). Complaints should be varied, but focus on her being rude, offensive, not caring.

No doubt some idiot will say this is outrageous and unfair, but bullies deserve everything their victims decide they do. Bullying can damage people throughout their entire life, so it is morally just to do everything in your power to damage the bully throughout their own life too.

Good luck, and remember that revenge can be served many, many times.

I'd say this post can't be serious and must be a wind up, but I said that about a redonkulous post I saw yesterday and it turned out the poster was genuine. At least, she seemed genuinely offended that I'd thought she was having a laugh.

Complaints about what? It's nothing to do with her employers. And if I received anonymous complaints about my staff, I'd assume they were malicious, I certainly couldn't confirm them, so I would just delete them. Bombarding someone's employer with anonymous complaints about them could be seen as bullying itself, especially when they're not true. Whatever happened at school and in a nightclub, it's not true that the woman was rude or offensive to OP in her capacity as a shop employee.

Ever wondered how bullies get made? You know how they always say they have a hardship back story and were frequently bullied themselves?

I'd shop somewhere else.

If the woman is still as violent, aggressive and unpleasant as she was at school, I'd be concerned about getting (another) beating should she perceive me to be causing problems for her at her place of work.

The other shop assistants won't know what the issue is and the situation is possibly going to crop up again and again.

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

Yeh, like Echart says, because of the situation you were automatically in the lead there so I'd have just gone through her till with a serene smile and then felt bad for relishing it! It would have been horrible if it had been the other way around.

I once met my friend in an Italian restaurant and a girl who had bullied me about being a square was the waitress. I felt sorry for her tbh. Not because she was our waitress, but I was a normal teenager, just because I didn't smoke and sneak out to have sex with some boy at our school she went on and on and on at me that I was a square. I did what I wanted to do. That just didn't include impressing her.

@ddl1

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

No, her wages are paid by her employers, not by the individual customer.

I hate the attitude that some people have to shop employees, public sector workers and others: 'I pay your wages so I'm the boss, I know my rights, etc.'.)

Have you not made the link that if the customers didn't pay for the stock, the employer wouldn't have any money to pay the staff?

'She is being paid to serve you' isn't an attitude. It's a fact. I don't have any attitude about it, having worked in many customer facing roles myself. But what I do know is that if the bully bullies OP whilst she's at work, she will be the one in trouble. Because she is obliged by her own job description to be nice to OP.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe wow, that's harsh.

Another girl at my school who was friendly with the one I mentioned above and also bullied me and slagged me committed suicide a few years ago.

I was lucky perhaps that these bitches didn't get under my skin. I used to think are you not ashamed of yourselves acting like pantomime bitches?

I have been more affected by adult bullies tbh, a teacher, a relative, I'm left reeling that adults can so shamelessly ostracise and kiss up and kick down. So I do know what it feels like.

But there was a thread on here a while ago about somebody who's bully had committed suicide and I clicked on it because my bully had done that, and it was astonishing how many posts had said the same thing.

I also had an art teacher who was vile to me, vile, and a few years after I left school she committed suicide as well.

@crystalcherry87

So you're so high and mighty you see shopworkers as slaves. What a dick that comment made you look

You are making yourself look like a dick if you think that servant means slave, along with the rest of the PP's who have made a similar misinterpretation. You are the one inferring a negative attitude to servants, not me.

Some contradictions here, Op. You're questioning whether it's your right not to be served by the person who bullied you but seem hell bent on putting yourself through this. Absolutely your right to shop where you want but if you're so set on continuing to shop here, you're going to have to accept that this woman may be the one serving you. You know this every time you go in there.
Has she ever spoken to you or acknowledged she recognises you when you go in? How did she react to the queue incident?
No one would expect you to just forget what happened but I think you do need to do something to deal with it as it sounds like it still very much affects you.

The common theme here is that bullies are often not happy people. Look at the poster suggesting a campaign of anonymous harassment at work through fabricated complaints. Would doing that be the sign of a happy, well adjusted person whom you'd befriend? Tbh, if someone did that, it would make me think that the bullying might not have been all one way. It's possible for two people just to be relentlessly nasty to each other.

Of course unhappiness doesn't excuse what bullies do. But it does help to inform how you should respond to them. If it's in the past and you can't do anything about it happening now, I'd suggest, as before, just making whatever choices are best for you rather than what you imagine will be worse for them. Make them irrelevant. I don't believe in "karma" exactly, but I do think that if you spend your adult life being shit awful to everyone, eventually you will piss off the wrong person and then you'll have no defenders.

I can understand your feelings but really, I think it's time to be the bigger person here. It's not healthy to carry grudges from school forward into adult life. She only serving you in a shop; it's not as if you have to be warm and or friendly. Just treat her like any other shop assistant.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

You should make complaints about her to the shop management. If you can contact them online then you can make lots of anonymous complaints using different accounts (preferably using a VPN, so they don't recognise the same IP address). Complaints should be varied, but focus on her being rude, offensive, not caring.

No doubt some idiot will say this is outrageous and unfair, but bullies deserve everything their victims decide they do. Bullying can damage people throughout their entire life, so it is morally just to do everything in your power to damage the bully throughout their own life too.

Good luck, and remember that revenge can be served many, many times.

That is the sort of thing you would do if you are ten years old. And if you are older than that, it is the sort of thing you would do if you are a bully and a coward.

Your idea of "morally just" is the same as an eye for an eye. It is the stuff of war. Stupid. You don't think about the consequences, the fact that retribution can become endless and that this person lives locally.
Worst advice on this thread.
According to your post I am an idiot for saying this.
Yeah, right.

@Ineedcoffee2021

I work in a shop, if you came in with that attitude, id give you shit service for it and yes, we can tell the ones who think like you.
Wanna complain to my boss, they would agree WITH ME
Its attitudes like yours that make shit service common

What attitude? I was suggesting that OP go into the shop, pick up the items she wants, gets served at the till by the bully in question, says thank you with a smile, and leaves. How exactly does that make shit service common?

You serve people for a living. You are bound by your contract to be nice to people, and especially nice, reasonable people. If you criticise everybody with the 'attitude' that you serve people for a living, you have a chip on your shoulder.

@Goldieloxx

Good for you, stand your ground. Though I'd be going into the shop and dropping the odd thing so I could watch her clean it up

Nasty. What makes you think that it would be her having to clean up spillages and not the store cleaner?

Eckhart was clearly just trying to frame things in a way that made the OP feel better. I doubt they think of shopworkers as servants. I have autism and tend to see things in "black and white" yet I can see this as her motivation. Are some of you genuinely upset with the little angry faces?

Maybe there are more of my type here than I thought...