To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

[CherryTwin]

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

go to till if she says anything to you - you blank her - look confused & say
" Sorry, I don't remember you/that" or "really?"
biggest put down

Yanbu sometimes the 'bully' word can sound quite childish as an adult, but there's nothing childish about it if you're on the receiving end.

Tbh there's nothing wrong with refusing to be served or interact with someone who mentally and physically assaulted you. When you use the assault word it sounds acceptable to refuse to interact, strange how 'bully' makes you sound childish

I also think it is ironic that so many people are advocating for doing things to intentionally make the bullys life harder - dropping things intentionally, announcing their past transgressions to their co workers, attempting to make the bully uncomfortable knowing they cant walk away from a customer etc - because that in itself is just a form of bullying and does nothing to break the cycle.

I agree with this and think there are quite a few bullies who don't recognise themselves in that description, who were never taken to task and are blithely carrying on. I definitely recognise the 'tag teaming' and piling on.

I don't blame you for wanting to avoid her and if you must use the shop, choosing another till if one is available. However, in the scenario you described here, I think you should have moved across. If you use the shop, it is likely you might have to have some contact with her on occasion. I don't think you have a right to raise what she did years ago to her employer as some have suggested.

I do get that you don't want to be serve by her, but I am sure she is feeling good about it.
Is your choice to keep going to the shop as is your local one but me personally wouldn't bother as it seems like make you feel uncomfortable.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I know you mean in the context of this woman bullying OP when they were at school but this is very much the attitude that many people have to shop assistants and the like. It's horrible

In reality, all of us are paying somebody's wages anyway. It's only the hard of thinking who bother to voice it

Just musing really, not a pop at you, Eckhart

Yes, I totally agree with you. Many have taken my comment without its correct context.

My wages get paid by somebody too. We are pretty much all servants of others at some point. And some people are actually called servants. Thos who assume I was insulting the shop worker are actually insulting servants, because they plainly think that shop workers are 'above' servants.

Anyway, OP, sorry for the derail. I hope that whatever you choose to do, it ends up being a comfortable solution for you.

Does the shop sell rope, gaffer tape and black bin liners?
Whack that little lot on the counter and look her in the eye like you KNOW who she is.

But seriously, for all of those PPs who obviously have never been bullied.... it's not only the ten minutes a week you're getting physically bashed that effects you. It's the 24/7 emotional distress of trying to figure out how to avoid the next one. It's endless torture for the bullied and abused.

Scarlettpixie

I cannot see for the life of me why you think the OP should have moved across.

Except that in doing so she'd have made it easier for others.

Our lives are not lived to make things easier for others.

Re "I don't think you have a right to raise what she did years ago to her employer as some have suggested."

I think the OP has every right. But I don't think it would be wise. Nor has the OP suggested she would ever want to do this.

I do think bullys should realise their deeds have a long effect. They may one day find they understand how wrong they were but sadly I fear many will not.

I've already posted on this thread and stand by my original post but as the thread has moved off topic a little I don't feel bad posting this. I don't really want it to be taken in the context of the thread but more generally as what happened to the OP was aweful and would like to hope that if it happened now she would be encouraged to report it to the police.

If the bully had a criminal record and had served jail time/community order/probation/etc, at what point is it ok to stop bring it up? We don't know how long ago the OP was abused (she clearly was and it's never ok) and clearly there's a difference legally from the abuse being a week ago to a decade but that doesn't always change the impact upon the victim. However, if it was a decade ago the bully could've made significant changes to better themselves that the victim isn't aware of, or even just stopped being a bully (I think this can happen) do they deserve to have their actions as a child/teen/young adult follow them throughout their life? Surely there's a point where we need to draw a line under it, even people who commit horrific crimes and are released from prison are allowed to return to a normal life where only people who need to know know about their criminal record. I just think there has to be a point where all parties can move on but I'm not sure when this is and know for a victim it will be a thousand times harder. I'm not even certain I've phrased this how I want to and it's now a waffle.

Fwiw, I was bullied in primary school leading to continued bullying and 2 assaults (1 when we were 16) in secondary school which I now wish I'd reported to police. I've recently moved back to my hometown and have seen one of them in my place of work. I think I have some understanding and empathy for where you are. I feel nothing for the people who bullied and assaulted me, they mean nothing to me and I wouldn't care if they had to serve me in a shop but this doesn't seem the case with the OP.

[quote Eckhart]@Ineedcoffee2021

I work in a shop, if you came in with that attitude, id give you shit service for it and yes, we can tell the ones who think like you.
Wanna complain to my boss, they would agree WITH ME
Its attitudes like yours that make shit service common

What attitude? I was suggesting that OP go into the shop, pick up the items she wants, gets served at the till by the bully in question, says thank you with a smile, and leaves. How exactly does that make shit service common?

You serve people for a living. You are bound by your contract to be nice to people, and especially nice, reasonable people. If you criticise everybody with the 'attitude' that you serve people for a living, you have a chip on your shoulder.[/quote]
Its the tone, "the customer on pedestal is owed gold everything, is never wrong"
So deliberately be an ass, we will play with you
Treat us as equals and there no issue and you get great service
People who suggest trying to get one over on her at work are the ones who create shit service cos we go fuck it, customers ALL dicks so lets treat em as such

Lol my boss is happy for us to bite back, we dont take crap from customers and give as good as we get. Funnily enough, we are still busy pretty much all the time, have many return, local customers and i watch thousands go through my hands every night

If you come in with the attitude of world owes me, well it dont get you far with us, we will make you wait, say we have no stock of something over getting it for you
If you come in complaining one of our staff bullied you as a kid, they wont lose their job, our boss will smile and nod at you, watch you leave and get back to work forgetting you ever spoke

Well of course not but nobody said or even implied that you were being unreasonable? Youre acting like the shop assistant new she was your school bully?

I also think you should just shop elsewhere. She probably just thinks you're still scared of her and feels smug about it. So you're probably not really proving a point by continuing to shop there.

I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to interact with her but surely you can see why the other shop assistant thinks you were being weird? I'd either just accept they're gonna think you're weird, or shop somewhere else.

There's no point at all doing a big speech about why you don't want serving: at best they're going to continue to think you're weird, at worst you might lose someone their job (when she might be a good worker - someone having been a prick X years ago doesn't mean they aren't good at their job now).

If you're talking about tone, @Ineedcoffee2021, have a look at your own. You've name called and sworn in your post. You are very far from a shining example of civil tone yourself.

I am suggesting that OP goes into the shop and buys something, the same as all the other respectful customers, and enjoys the fact that her school bully now has to be respectful towards her. I don't mind if you have a problem with that. Why do you think that the fact that your boss is supportive of you being rude to rude customers is relevant here? The thread isn't about you or your workplace.

Would you like to swear and call me more names, or shall we leave it there?