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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

289 replies

CherryTwin · 05/03/2021 21:22

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

OP posts:
Mockolate · 06/03/2021 00:22

I imagine the context is very different if you're say, 23 than if you're, say, 63. It's not that you ever have to interact with her, but I would guess it feels much more keen in the decade immediately

I'm in my 40s and still wouldn't want to be around any of mine.
Was thankfully not as horrific as OP's sounds, was mainly just constantly verbal, but that still sticks.

Saz12 · 06/03/2021 00:27

Why does OP need therapy? It doesn’t sound like she hasn’t processed the bullying: just that she doesn’t want to interact with this bully, which is faur enough. She’s OK going to the shop, not terrified or anything, ustdesjt want her life tainted by this particular woman.

Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2021 00:45

Those who think the OP is making such a big deal out of the shop assistant telling her to use another til or who cannot see why someone who was bullied would not want to be forced out of a local shop because of that bully - might find this thread useful if they really think about it.

Maybe this thread can serve as an example of why sometimes people do things which may appear strange but have very good reason for doing them.

Emeraldshamrock · 06/03/2021 00:46

No one forced her be a bully. That's a choice she made. Maybe its about time the chickens came home to roost
I agree. When I discovered mine after 23 years working in childcare with DS it was a shock.
The terror in her face hopeful those chicken's stayed quiet.
They did, her face was enough of a win.
I'd bet she recognised you immediately too.

Mockolate · 06/03/2021 00:48

End of the day if you go in the shop and make issues you utilmately can end up getting banned

How the heck has she made issues?!
She just doesn't want to be served by someone which is fair enough.

NotAgainNoMore · 06/03/2021 00:58

If it was my child or friend I'd strongly advise them to shop elsewhere if it was so triggering. I'd also advise them to get professional help to overcome their feelings of justifiable anger and the total unfairness of it all.
It sounds like you've been coping OP but only on the surface. When challenged by the shop assistant, it's brought all your feeling to the surface. It's not that persons fault.
You are completely justified to carry on as you are but is it doing you any good? Only you know that.

nokidshere · 06/03/2021 01:01

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

Well clearly you are not being unreasonable but neither is the shop assistant pointing out that the other till was free. Unless you are going to tell them why they are always going to think you are just a bit bonkers or eccentric. Eventually they will work out that it's only her and start speculating.

Just out of nosiness, how did the other woman react when you refused? Does she recognise you?

FreshFancyFrogglette · 06/03/2021 01:03

I think that by refusing to be served by her you are allowing her to retain a power over you. Wouldn't it have been more satisfying not to allow the memories to have a hold on you? Move on, move forward, interact with her as you would any other stranger.

areyoumeop · 06/03/2021 01:13

OP what happened to you was terrible but for your own sake, and i agree you shouldn't have to, just avoid and shop elsewhere.

For Eckhart and defenders, politicians and the police also serve, but they would not be called servants. You definitely meant the status of working in a shop as being inferior like master and servant.

1forAll74 · 06/03/2021 01:15

This person might apologise for all the bullying that she did to you, if you go to a till she is working on in the shop, or will you always still hate her anyway ?

Reinventinganna · 06/03/2021 01:27

Why are people sticking up for a violent thug?

Mockolate · 06/03/2021 01:30

This person might apologise for all the bullying that she did to you, if you go to a till she is working on in the shop, or will you always still hate her anyway ?

I'm obvs not the OP, but I don't hate my bully.
I just don't want her in my space.

Mockolate · 06/03/2021 01:38

Sometimes people don't want to move, which is their choice, but it does always seem weird when people would rather wait with one or two items behind someone doing a big shop when there is an empty till two feet away unless there is an obvious reason why they would want one till over another

Why should anyone have to feel they have to justify themselves?
Point out there's a till free and if they don't take you up on your offer does it really matter Confused your bully and so she was probably just thinking you were weird to not want to be served quicker.

Mockolate · 06/03/2021 01:40

your bully and so she was probably just thinking you were weird to not want to be served quicker

Ignore that bit, copy and paste fail!

EmmaJR1 · 06/03/2021 01:45

Op isn't "allowing the bully to live rent free in her head" or however else people want to brush it off as.

It seems to me that op experienced a traumatic time with this violent and horrendous individual.

Ops actions actually made me think she's saying "I haven't forgotten you but you no longer scare me" and I wouldn't want to interact with someone so disgusting either.

On a plus side... if the other cashier thought it was so odd she might ask her colleague why you don't go near her. Even if the bully doesn't admit it I'd like to think she'd have some internal shame.

I'm less tactful than you op. I think I'd have had to say, "no thanks I'd rather wait than be served by someone who has threatened to stab me more than once in the past" especially if there was a queue...

ajs8 · 06/03/2021 01:55

@Teardrop2021

You don't have a right to make her working environment hostile though. If she was the only person on the till what would you do? Damn that the manager put someone else on the till. It looks as if you wanting to cause problems.
Aww @Teardrop2021 I can imagine you were “top dog” at school and never had to deal with what OP had to go through. Please crawl back into your mean girl hole you crawled out of you absolute cretin!!
gurglebelly · 06/03/2021 01:59

Sorry OP but it really not very healthy holding in to this much anger, and the only person it has an impact on is you. Do you think she cares that you won't join the queue for her till? I very much doubt it. I would suggest that you might be better focussed on therapy to let the past go, sheet indifference us far more effective than continued anger

Mockolate · 06/03/2021 02:07

Why does she need therapy, and why is she automatically "angry?"
Maybe she just doesn't want to interact with her.

yaboo · 06/03/2021 02:08

get yourself down to the joke shop and buy a shit tonne of stink-bombs. Get the old-fashioned ones in glass. Take one (just one!) out of the box when you're going to the shop and keep it in your pocket. Go to her till. You may, or may not decide to drop it into her cubicle, but the sheer joy of being able to make that juvenile decision will, I reckon, be liberating...

Ineedcoffee2021 · 06/03/2021 02:39

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!
I work in a shop, if you came in with that attitude, id give you shit service for it and yes, we can tell the ones who think like you. Wanna complain to my boss, they would agree WITH ME Its attitudes like yours that make shit service common.

OP, you dont have many choices here
Dont shop there
wait for the other till, as you did
be served by her
What happens if she the only one on? Would you walk out? If yes, thats your choice, not her fault.
She may have been a bully when you were kids but that is no concern of her boss now, especially of she a good worker as an adult

And even though I'm not scared of her I don't fancy getting punched in the face across a till!
Your paranoid, that wont happen, i bet she dont want to lose her job over you

Ineedcoffee2021 · 06/03/2021 02:40

@yaboo

get yourself down to the joke shop and buy a shit tonne of stink-bombs. Get the old-fashioned ones in glass. Take one (just one!) out of the box when you're going to the shop and keep it in your pocket. Go to her till. You may, or may not decide to drop it into her cubicle, but the sheer joy of being able to make that juvenile decision will, I reckon, be liberating...
That would see my boss banning you as you may have destroyed stock with that stink bomb
Anthilda · 06/03/2021 02:41

I'd be tempted to go to her till and pay her with the contents of a copper jar Grin then cause a bit of a stink by claiming that she had short changed me.
I wouldn't do that in real life though, I'd probably avoid the shop.

Bahhhhhumbug · 06/03/2021 02:48

Your reply to someone suggesting you were making it awkward was
Bless the little stabbing, glassing, punching diddums having to deal with a little hostility.
But she didnt stab or glass you.
She is still bullying and controlling you though.
Go to her till if that's how it falls and just don't engage with her except the absolute necessary.
You sound very angry at a lot of posters on here but won't stand up to her by going up to her till.

PeggyHill · 06/03/2021 02:51

I don't blame you at all, it is totally reasonable.

However you really can't expect the other shop assistant to understand any of this. Of course she looked at you like you were nuts. She has no idea who you are or why you don't want to be served at the other till. So YABU expect a different reaction from her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2021 02:56

Her having a troubled back ground isn't your dealing and most certainly not your fault!!!!!!!! I think schools who allow bullying to go along with the bully should be prosecuted. Yes I would go that far. Telling you that you had to put with it was abuse.

The reason why the school refused to do anything is probably because they were too shit scared of her family.