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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

289 replies

CherryTwin · 05/03/2021 21:22

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

OP posts:
SmokedDuck · 06/03/2021 03:07

@nokidshere

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

Well clearly you are not being unreasonable but neither is the shop assistant pointing out that the other till was free. Unless you are going to tell them why they are always going to think you are just a bit bonkers or eccentric. Eventually they will work out that it's only her and start speculating.

Just out of nosiness, how did the other woman react when you refused? Does she recognise you?

This si the point in the end.

You don't have to be served by her, but if you don't want to, you really can't expect anyone else to understand your reluctance. If they notice a pattern chances are they will talk about it.

I would either reconcile myself to the possibility she would serve me at some point, or shop somewhere else. And in actuality I'd almost certainly do the former, God knows the last thing I need is to spend time worrying about things that happened in high school.

AppleJane · 06/03/2021 03:30

She was an adult when she last threatened you.
Leopards do not change their spots.
You live too close to risk her targeting you again so your behaviour in the shop is smart.

This won't be popular but I'd get revenge, anonymously. These types always get away with their shit. Just don't get caught!

RickiTarr · 06/03/2021 05:57

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!
What an unpleasant attitude.
W3dontdoduvets · 06/03/2021 06:06

Me too

*My ex's mam was a right cow to me (youngish but serious relationship)

She was working on Morrisons till a few years later. I didn't realise until I recognised her voice when she asked if I wanted a hand packing

I always say no thanks and pack my own. Not that day 😀*

Bloody hell, you showed her, didn’t you?

W3dontdoduvets · 06/03/2021 06:08

Bold fail.

W3dontdoduvets · 06/03/2021 06:10

@Eckhart

Servants serve. People on checkouts serve. I mean no disrespect to either, but I've clearly touch a few nerves. It's literally called 'serving at/on the till'. If it's your job, you are paid to 'serve', whether you like the word or not.

The customers are meant to be treated with respect in a shop, as are the staff, so unless you raise any issues from the past, she'll have to be nice to you or mess up her job. That's quite a nice way to turn the tables on a former bully.

Nice backtracking.
sashh · 06/03/2021 06:11

I can understand the other person's confusion. I think I would have told the person on the till I didn't trust the other person as they have previously threatened you.

Then ask them if the shop has done a risk assessment for having a violent ex con working in the shop.

Sapho47 · 06/03/2021 06:12

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!
So do you just enjoy the taste of spit in your food or some other reason?
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 06/03/2021 06:41

I dont give people like this the brain space of dwelling on the shit they did at school. She's unimportant as far as your life is concerned, you don't need to carry this baggage of hating her around with you, it gives her a significance she doesn't deserve

YeahYeahThatsMoi · 06/03/2021 07:01

I can't imagine what you went through @CherryTwin but I am feeling your pain in your messages.
I have no idea what I'd do in your situation but I feel you are a stronger person.
You aren't the bad person here. Flowers

Beefcurtains79 · 06/03/2021 07:02

Can’t believe all the posters telling OP to get over it! Like it’s that easy. I’m sorry you have this, seeing your abuser is a horrible, horrible feeling.

fuzzymoon · 06/03/2021 07:03

You've posted on AIBU. This section is known for harsh unsympathetic replies.
You should have posted in chat for kinder responses.
It's fine to not want her to serve you. The other cashier will be confused by your reaction but that's fine too.
I think it's great you won't let her stop you going into the shop. You're dealing with her brilliantly

CornishPastyDownUnder · 06/03/2021 07:04

Good on you OP-I wouldnt want to be served by her either.How uncomfortable. Sounds like you had schooldays from hell-how you deal with it is up to you : )

ChameleonClara · 06/03/2021 07:10

@CherryTwin

I don't see why I shouldn't use the shop though? Why should I go out of my way to go to another shop when I haven't actually done anything wrong?
Because every time you go to the shop you are raking up the past for yourself.

You're not doing anything wrong but I wouldn't do this myself, if avoid.

Really sorry you had this grim experience through school Flowers

makingmammaries · 06/03/2021 07:14

40 years have passed and there is no way I would be civil to my school bully, who didn’t even threaten me, just swiped at my eyes every time the teacher was out of the room. I get it, OP, and I doubt you really need counselling as many are jumping in to suggest. But I’d probably change shops so as not to have to see her ugly face.

MaMaD1990 · 06/03/2021 07:14

This is a really interesting thread. Swap it round and say you were in a relationship with this person and did all the same things but in a home setting, they would be called an abuser and that you are absolutely not unreasonable. The fact is, she isn't a bully and IS an abuser and you are well within your rights to refuse to be served by her. There isn't much you can do about the shop assistant looking perplexed by your decision not to move, and if you're happy with your arrangement, keep on doing it. If it happens again, I would be inclined to give her a bit of a run down on why you don't want to move (if anything to make this bully/abuser uncomfortable), but it also depends if you want to do this. Bottom line, keep doing what your doing, but learn to accept people who don't know your background will find it odd.

rawlikesushi · 06/03/2021 07:17

I think it's appalling that you were bullied at school and am sorry that you had to go through it, and that none of the adults in your life helped you when you reported it.

Of course nobody can expect you to just get over it, and if you are happy to revisit the experiences every time you shop, for the sake of convenience, then that's your choice too.

But you must surely see that the shop assistant had absolutely no idea about any of this when you chose to stay in a queue rather than using the empty checkout? Of course it looked like an odd choice, and she was confused.

I think it's a shame you missed the opportunity to say that you don't want to be served by the person who assaulted you at school though, because after you left the bully will have shared her version of events with her colleagues.

KatherineJaneway · 06/03/2021 07:17

@CherryTwin

People who have not been through a similar experience simply cannot know what it is like. I'm nearly 50 and still live with the scars of my childhood bullies Flowers

Does she recognise you?

Aimee1987 · 06/03/2021 07:24

@Wrenna

I’d also tell them why with examples.
I this. "I would prefer not to be served by somone who in the past has physically assaulted me, threatened to glass me and who has...... Frankly given her criminal record I'm surprised shes allowed to work here"
Erkrie · 06/03/2021 07:35

Would you feel comfortable telling the other shop assistant what she had done and why you don't want to be served by her?

CuteBear · 06/03/2021 07:43

@AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan

Is it really worth this time and energy to carry this around with you? It's over. It was years ago. You were all kids. Now, if she started up again now then that would be different but she hasn't, so is it worth the energy you seem to be using to hold all this anger and pain? To stand in a queue for longer than necessary because you dont want her to scan your shopping? What are you achieving? This isnt about her. It is about you. Standing there, working yourself up, getting angry at another assistant for doing nothing wrong when she told you to move up, coming out the shop carrying these feelings, probably talking away in your head with thoughts like how you're showing her.... how has this made your life better?

Move on. Go through the shop and pay whichever one is free first and then leave without any aggro or working yourself up. It's over.

It’s over. It was years ago This was beyond bullying. OP was physically assaulted over and over and she was faced with threats of stabbing and glassing.

Do you have any DC? What if one came home and told you someone kept breathing them up and threatened to stab them?

You were all kids
I don’t know what you were like as a kid or the people you kept company, but this isn’t what most children do.

I don’t think I would visit this shop any more, personally.

CuteBear · 06/03/2021 07:44

beating them up not breathing

ExtraOnions · 06/03/2021 07:46

I’ve spoken to a couple of my bullies, from school, over the years (I’m heading towards 50 now) ... it’s strange talking about it as adults, in all cases they were living through some sort of trauma themselves, as children, and were actually really sad at school (but it was coming out as anger). They were also hugely apologetic.
A friend of mine was on a course a while back, ended up sat next to someone from my home town, as they got talking they discovered I was at school with her, the other woman was telling my friend how awful and how guilty she felt as she bullied me at school. My friend texted me this, and I told her to pass on the message that it was ok, we were kids. I had got over it all years before, but she had carried it round - I suppose that’s the punishment for the bully.
I came to terms with it all in my twenties ... after the death of my father I decided that life was too short to let it be governed by people who really don’t matter. If I see any if them I just smile, I have a great life, surrounded by people who love me, and they are the only ones who’s opinion matter,

DrSbaitso · 06/03/2021 07:46

You've got every right to avoid her but you can't expect anyone at the shop to know why if you don't tell them. They might think you're avoiding her because of some physical characteristic or something.

What outcome do you want? If all you want is not to be served by her, you got it. If it's an act of passive aggression designed to communicate your anger, it's useless. None of them know why you're doing it. Bullies very rarely see or remember it the way you do (she may well not even remember you, especially if she brutalised other people too), and I doubt she's getting the message either.

So I guess it depends on what you actually want out of this.

Ideasplease322 · 06/03/2021 07:49

You are still giving her a huge amount of power over you. She is still winning.

She is a crappy human being. She doesn’t have the self awareness or emotional intelligence to grasp that.

Either don’t use the shop, or breeze it out. But hanging back as if you are scared of her just plays into her hands.

My old school bully now works in a hotel that I frequently use for work. I did a stiff hello, she pretended she didn’t know me. We now interact like we are strangers.