To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

[CherryTwin]

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

I think you do what makes you comfortable and if she HAD to serve you and says anything I'd say "I'm sorry I don't have a clue who you are" and leave it at that. It would completely take the wind out of her sails.

I am annoyed about the minimising of the effects of bullying in this thread. I speak as the parent of a child who was bullied so badly I had to remove her from school and she developed an eating disorder and eventually had a complete mental breakdown. It continues to affect her even though she is now in her 20's. Bullying is hugely damaging and I really feel for you OP

@WineInTheWillows

Personally, I think you need to either use the shop or not use the shop, rather than the current halfway house that basically makes you look like you're petrified to be anywhere in her vicinity. If being served by your old school bully is triggering, I'd suggest shopping elsewhere- eventually you will have to interact with them if you frequent the shop

This. She may not always be on the till, she may be restocking shelves as you turn a corner. Would you be able to deal with that? If not you’d be better off shopping somewhere else.

Well done you for standing your ground. Personally I have no time for bullies and no interest when they do it. I was bullied at school and never go over it. It sounds like this bully has not managed to destroy your confidence if you can stand your ground like this, which is what they like to do.

As for some of the comments on here they seem to be sticking up for the bully, suggesting you should change your behaviour, which always seems to be the way, either at school or in the workplace.

@Cuppachino

Omg. I say this kindly, pls pls seek help/counselling

See people who post this shit ...you didn't say it 'kindly'. It's sooo passive aggressive and arrogant.

I had therapy to help me get over childhood bullying. I'd recommend it to anyone who went through similar. It helped me immensely. If you see that as an arrogant suggestion, all I can say is it doesn't feel arrogant to me. Therapy can be amazing, and should not be stigmatized.

[quote Eckhart]@Ineedcoffee2021

I work in a shop, if you came in with that attitude, id give you shit service for it and yes, we can tell the ones who think like you.
Wanna complain to my boss, they would agree WITH ME
Its attitudes like yours that make shit service common

What attitude? I was suggesting that OP go into the shop, pick up the items she wants, gets served at the till by the bully in question, says thank you with a smile, and leaves. How exactly does that make shit service common?

You serve people for a living. You are bound by your contract to be nice to people, and especially nice, reasonable people. If you criticise everybody with the 'attitude' that you serve people for a living, you have a chip on your shoulder.[/quote]

Not sure why people are getting so hung up on the word servant. According to online dictionaries one of its valid meanings is "someone or something that provides a service for people or can be used by them".

I work for the NHS - so I'm a servant too by this definition.

What do the people saying to 'tell the other assistant exactly why' hope to achieve? The other assistant will feel uncomfortable, the bully probably won't care and OP will be talked about by all of the staff. Either the other assistant already knows what the bully is like but is forced to work with her or she wont believe OP.

Not sure why people are getting so hung up on the word servant. According to online dictionaries one of its valid meanings is "someone or something that provides a service for people or can be used by them".

To be fair, 99.9% of people who have ever told me that they pay my wages were acting like complete arseholes.

Am I the only one who feels they've read this thread before? There was a very similar one a while back.

OP, it's entirely your choice whether you want to be served by someone else, or walk out if no-one else is available but obviously the shop assistant wasn't to blame for not knowing the situation.

Your choice.
You can go in there, or not and if there is a choice of service staff, queue where you like.

Of course if there’s only 1 it could be her or no service. That will be your choice too.

You can’t determine who they hire or where they place the, in the shop. If you want to go elsewhere that’s fine.

Perhaps in 5 years or so this will pass as a big issue for you. That’s not to minimise what happened, but often people learn to live and deal with these things and finding ways to move on is really important for you...again, not to minimise what happened, but for you, staying caught up in it all and impacted hurts you rather than her. There could be a time if you have a bit of help to move on from this, where you can genuinely walk into the shop head held high and not even think of that person ....might feel impossible to imagine, but people can make incredible progress in dealing with trauma.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You do not have to interact with someone who caused you trauma no matter how old you are or how long ago it was. I don’t think people would have these “you need to get over it” views if we were talking about a woman who was being abused by her husband. We wouldn’t tell them to get a grip so nobody should tell you to.

You are strong.

@slashlover

Not sure why people are getting so hung up on the word servant. According to online dictionaries one of its valid meanings is "someone or something that provides a service for people or can be used by them".

To be fair, 99.9% of people who have ever told me that they pay my wages were acting like complete arseholes.

I don't doubt that they were. If an NHS patient said to me "I pay your wages" I'd equally think they were being an arsehole. But I'm commenting on the meaning of the word itself, nothing else.

I think you handled it well, OP. You stayed calm and said you were going to say in the queue you were in. That meant others in line behind you could go to the other one if they chose to.

You are perfectly entitled to not want to engage with someone who was a violent, vile bully towards you.

I don't doubt that they were. If an NHS patient said to me "I pay your wages" I'd equally think they were being an arsehole. But I'm commenting on the meaning of the word itself, nothing else.

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

You can't just focus on one word though, you have to take in context of the entirety of what PP wrote.

@slashlover

I don't doubt that they were. If an NHS patient said to me "I pay your wages" I'd equally think they were being an arsehole. But I'm commenting on the meaning of the word itself, nothing else.

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

You can't just focus on one word though, you have to take in context of the entirety of what PP wrote.

I have considered the context.
Like I say, I was commenting only on the meaning of the word.

I was bullied at school for 5 years. It made me miserable, and I've carried it with me for a long time. I dont hate my bullies, but really that's because it wasnt physical and didnt fear themin a physical way.

Would anyone really be questioning the OP if her school bully happened to be a boy and who proceeded as a grown man to threaten her with a glassing in a night club? I doubt it.

Do what you want but YABU to think that anyone outside of you and your bully should automatically know or care what's happening, and YABU to inconvenience anyone around you.

The other assistant was trying to do her job and keep the queue moving. Yes, to her you looked weird refusing to go to a free till. No, there's no reason she should give the tiniest shit about your reasons. YABU to be huffy with her. Most people don't go into shops thinking they can choose which till to be served at.

I'm not going to tell you to get over bullying but I agree with all the PP who say you are giving this way, way too much headspace.

It is becoming increasing obvious that people are so weird around actual cruelty and real violence that they would rather focus on some perceived slight than take it seriously.

It's deeply troubling that our society is so incredibly fucked up that a woman can be treated so appallingly and there is no punishment for the perpetrator. I expect there is a fancy word for it.

We are also so twisted as s society that being in any way subservient to anyone else is seen as a bad thing despite the fact that providing a service to others is the job if many people in society.

I worked as a waitress for decades, serving people, and never felt it was benith me. Because it was not.

@Eckhart

I'd relish it. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant. You're paying her wages!

I know you mean in the context of this woman bullying OP when they were at school but this is very much the attitude that many people have to shop assistants and the like. It's horrible.

In reality, all of us are paying somebody's wages anyway. It's only the hard of thinking who bother to voice it.

Just musing really, not a pop at you, Eckhart

I posted at your post without reading the rest of the thread yet and I can see now that somebody else has mentioned it.

@Ideasplease322

You are still giving her a huge amount of power over you. She is still winning.

She is a crappy human being. She doesn’t have the self awareness or emotional intelligence to grasp that.

Either don’t use the shop, or breeze it out. But hanging back as if you are scared of her just plays into her hands.

My old school bully now works in a hotel that I frequently use for work. I did a stiff hello, she pretended she didn’t know me. We now interact like we are strangers.

I've now read the thread; this post accords most with me and I think the advice is spot on.

OP... she was a bully at school. These places are jam-packed with them. They are children bullying children. It's not current time and to keep giving this person space in your head, able to twang your nerves is not good for you. I say this as a woman who was badly bullied by my cousin throughout my childhood and to this day she has no idea of the damage or that she did anything wrong.

It's taken me to the the age of 51 to finally accept and disregard it.

There was one particular girl who used to go out of her way to make my life miserable right through school. Later I found out that her mum had been suffering from cancer and eventually died. No, it doesn’t excuse her. But it helped me to see her in a different light and to feel compassion for her. It also helped me to move on with my life.

I was bullied throughout primary school and at the end of primary 7, one of my bullies gave me a present because “i’ll never see you again “ (we were going to different secondaries thank God.)

I was stunned. It was almost as if I was just there in the role of victim and she couldn’t see anything wrong with all the name calling, excluding and verbal threats. Amazing.

@CherryTwin you absolutely don’t have to be served by someone you physically assaulted you. But there’s an opportunity here to redress the power relationship. If she recognises you, she may still see you in the role of “victim”. If you were to go to her till, she’d would have to acknowledge your presence and treat you in the same way she would any other customer but she’d probably keep interaction to the bare minimum. You can do exactly the same. Acknowledge her but disengage. Might be helpful to have someone else with you as well.

Would anyone really be questioning the OP if her school bully happened to be a boy and who proceeded as a grown man to threaten her with a glassing in a night club? I doubt it.

The questioning a lot of people are doing is asking the OP why she is allowing the bully so much headspace when she knows that they will be there. My advice would be exactly the same whether the bully was male or female - she knows the bully will be there so she either has to figure out a way to accept she may have to deal with them or, if she cant do that, stop using that particular shop.

The OP says she is still worried about the bully trying to physically hurt her but is going into the shop knowing that the bully works there. She knows that there is a decent chance that she is going to encounter her bully in some way and it is very unlikely that the bully is going to launch an unprovoked attack on a customer. The only person who can change the outcome is the OP.

The bully is turning up to work and doing their job. Regardless of what they have done to the OP in the past, they have made no signs of recognition or anything else to the OP whilst at work and yet the OP is still making a big deal out of having to deal with someone that they knew there was a possibility of having to interact with.

I also think it is ironic that so many people are advocating for doing things to intentionally make the bullys life harder - dropping things intentionally, announcing their past transgressions to their co workers, attempting to make the bully uncomfortable knowing they cant walk away from a customer etc - because that in itself is just a form of bullying and does nothing to break the cycle.

Just shop elsewhere. It's obviously affecting you by shopping there. Life's too short.