Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

289 replies

CherryTwin · 05/03/2021 21:22

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

OP posts:
Northofsomewhere · 05/03/2021 22:53

YANBU to want nothing to do with her but I'd probably draw the line between personal and shopping. She's not in your personal life and no one is wanting to invite her into that, you need even need to speak to her beyond the transaction. However I would either stop using the shop or just have her process the transaction when needed to not cause inconvenience to the other shop staff (I currently work in a supermarket).

I don't want this to come across as supporting your bully or saying it's right but by making a point of refusing the service of your bully you are likely making it a point of conversation for them. Your bully will then tell a tall tale about you filled with lies.

Regarding the shop employing a violent bully - unless she has a criminal record (or word of mouth) they won't know this. If she starts being a bully or violent in the workplace they will deal with this but won't know about her personal life and the managers may not care unless it starts affecting the business and some random customer coming in and pointing it out won't make a difference as some posters have suggested.

You absolutely deserve to be free from your bully, how much headspace are you giving this generally as it's obviously hard to judge from one thread.

funinthesun19 · 05/03/2021 22:53

I would be tempted to quietly and bluntly tell them why, and that she was violent to you in the past and that you have no time for her.

On the other hand, you could have some fun and kill her with kindness. But I’d prefer the first option personally.

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2021 22:54

I'm so sorry you were bullied by her and let down by the school.

SquirtleSquad · 05/03/2021 22:55

My abusive ex is now the manager of my local Waitrose. I'm now a Sainsburys shopper Smile I wouldn't shop in that Waitrose and then complain that the staff there, who have no idea about what's gone on, don't fall in line with my preferences based on him being a cunt.

Was it super convenient to change our households shopping habits? Yes.
Was it easier than having these thoughts like you do obsessing in my head every time I go to the shop or run out of milk? Also yes.
Would I love to go into his store and stab him with the fish counter knife? Yes again.
Will I just go about my business elsewhere for an easier life? Ding ding ding, full house. Yes mam.

Nith · 05/03/2021 22:56

They don't have to recruit staff just to please you. Your choices are ignore it, use the other till, don't shop there.

I don't understand this comment, @hansgrueber. OP hasn't said the shop has to recruit staff to please her. You're somewhat obviously telling OP something she already knows, and she has equally obviously made her choice - i.e. that she will shop there and use the other till. So what is the point of it?

Savethewhales · 05/03/2021 23:00

Er, what to some commenters? Are you for real? Bullying is serious it doesn't matter when it happened the lifelong scars people carry because of it is 1 of the reasons for suicide. This isn't a case of name-calling the op was forever getting assaulted and people taking the side of the bully, like some of you are. God forbid any of your children get bullied, then you'll have a little inkling of just how it feels.
Being bullied is humiliating, it causes damage inside that most times can't be undone.
In honestly I wouldn't want served by her, sounds a horror

NotAgainNoMore · 05/03/2021 23:00

The other shop assistants are not going to know your history with her. They've probably asked her, if you make it so obvious, and she's probably given them a watered down version.
Your choice entirely where you shop but why oh why keep this festering?
If she left her job one day, will you be truly happy or will all the resentment stay buried within you?
You can't change the past but you can change how you deal with it. It's not about forgiving and forgetting. Maybe counselling would help.

Savethewhales · 05/03/2021 23:01

Telling people to get over it, give over and give your heads a wobble.

Chocsmyfav · 05/03/2021 23:02

I wouldn’t shop somewhere else, why should you, you have done nothing wrong. If it happened again, just tell the lady, no I refuse to be served with the local bully.

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2021 23:03

Oh dear, some stupid and ignorant comments on here today. Well done OP for surviving such evil.

Thanks
MintyMabel · 05/03/2021 23:05

Only on Mumsnet can you get told you need to 'Grow up' because you won't forgive and forget a bully's behaviour! Unbelievable!

Not only on mumsnet. I’m sure you’d be told that in plenty of other situations too.

But you still haven’t explained why you’ve posted an AIBU if you clearly don’t think you were unreasonable.

You’re letting her still control you and that doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/03/2021 23:06

Is it really worth this time and energy to carry this around with you? It's over. It was years ago. You were all kids
Not in a nightclub even secondary school is old enough to do better.
Imagine the fear OP suffered in school and then social occasions.
That doesn't leave you for along time.

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 05/03/2021 23:07

@Savethewhales

But she's started a thread to complain about the actions of a totally oblivious shop assistant. Of course the assistant would tell her to move up to the best available till, particularly now with Covid when they want people to be shopping and moving on quickly. The OP is annoyed that the assistant told her to use the available till, and annoyed that the assistant looked at her funny for saying no. That's not fair. That woman had no idea what was going on and was just trying to do her job. If OP wants to refuse then fine, but she needs to give up on getting angry at other assistants. All she sus today was work herself up over the bully and also work herself up over this other assistant. It's a total waste of energy. Either move on and just shop like everyone else in there, or accept that other people will find it strange and dont get angry at them if she chooses to refuse.

Chocsmyfav · 05/03/2021 23:07

Talkwhilstyouwalk
I like your thinking lol

Shnuffles · 05/03/2021 23:08

OP, you're free to refuse to go to her till, and I don't blame you, but when it comes to situations like this, you'll have to accept it is unusual for someone to be that particular about which till they go to (though surely it's not uncommon for customers to prefer one person over another, if they go often enough to learn which one they like better, for any of a number of reasons).

Just do what you want and don't worry about it. The assistant probably thought you were odd, but so what? I'm sure stranger things happen when dealing with the public all day.

Longdistance · 05/03/2021 23:13

Does she know who you are?
The best revenge is rocking up to her till. A massive smile like the Cheshire Cat ‘hi, how are you?’ Make her squirm Wink

YouAintKingDingALing · 05/03/2021 23:14

I agree it can take years to get over bullying but I would rather re live the trauma with a counsellor present and in a controlled environment. As I've said, I wouldn't shop there if I felt the same as the OP has described. It's simply doing her more damage and causing distress. There is no benefit at all to her mental health.

For other people, seeing their school bully in that scenario would be almost satisfying.

It's not even clear if the bully recognises the OP let alone cares. So why damage yourself further when you could be getting help and support to work through the shit that happened.

AlwaysLatte · 05/03/2021 23:15

I don't think you should think of shop workers as servants. They've truly been stars throughout this all. I'd be interested to work out her shift patterns though, and between trying to avoid them and going to the other till when you can you should avoid it. If you have no choice then don't let her see she still has power over you. Just go to her till, smile and walk away.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 05/03/2021 23:19

I totally agree with you OP.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/03/2021 23:19

Op, you came here with a question ...

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

I think you already know the answer, no you aren’t being unreasonable. What else are you looking for?

I mean it’s not unreasonable to not want to be served by the shop assistant who is; slow, stinky,too talkative, not talkative enough, has long hair, wears t shirts with stupid sayings, wears too much perfume/cologne or whatever the case may be.

So what are you getting out of this thread besides more aggravation.

Hey, before any asks, sure start any thread you want on any subject... doesn’t matter to me.

But, are you looking for validation, support, advice how deal with her/the situation, venting, or looking for a way move past what sounds like a series of shitty events for you?

Pukkatea · 05/03/2021 23:21

I think you're giving this person too much control over your life still. By changing your habits you are prolonging trauma, having done lots of exposure therapy I have learned that facing situations like this head on is one of the best ways to reduce the negative emotions associated with them.

BertramLacey · 05/03/2021 23:23

And even though I'm not scared of her I don't fancy getting punched in the face across a till!

Is it a large enough shop to have CCTV? Many do. She's highly unlikely to do this anyway, as it would cost her her job.

Thing is OP you're asking if YABU and not even contemplating answers that say that you are. I was bullied at school and it has affected all my adult relationships. I have encountered my bullies in day to day life and if they're just doing a job, tbh I just get on with it. If one of them was running a business I would not give them custom, but if they're serving in a shop? Hand them the money like I would anyone else.

There is something quite empowering about taking back control. I just think of it as saying 'fuck you, I don't care any more'. I'm neither polite nor rude, I just pretend I don't know them.

GabsAlot · 05/03/2021 23:27

of course you dont have to be served by her but the other assistant has no idea does she she just asked a customer to move to the toher queue

Feelingconfused2020 · 05/03/2021 23:28

:50Pulledamonica

I think you need to get over this tbh.

I've been on Mumsnet for roughly five years now and over this last year I've noticed a change in the comments. I wonder if there's a change in the demographic. Has covid impacted in the type of people in Mumsnet? Who knows.

OP you were the victim of what sounds like rather severe bullying and I think you are right to never want to have any interaction with this woman ever again. I don't think I could go into the shop but I get that your circumstances might mean that it's extremely tricky to go elsewhere. I think you show great restraint in not making up a false complaint and getting her sacked actually.

The idea that you should just get over it makes me sick! How dare people suggest that. Bullying can be life changing. If you ever bullied someone the least you can do is acknowledge that you've changed their life forever and potentially ruined it.

Bellver888 · 05/03/2021 23:28

the assistant would have absolutely no idea of your past, and it’s highly likely the bully doesn’t even remember you

im confused w this thread?

Swipe left for the next trending thread