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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

289 replies

CherryTwin · 05/03/2021 21:22

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

OP posts:
WineInTheWillows · 05/03/2021 23:37

Personally, I think you need to either use the shop or not use the shop, rather than the current halfway house that basically makes you look like you're petrified to be anywhere in her vicinity. If being served by your old school bully is triggering, I'd suggest shopping elsewhere- eventually you will have to interact with them if you frequent the shop

2ndtimemum2 · 05/03/2021 23:37

Op you know your not being unreasonable but if this is going to cause you upset you need to figure out your options...is this the first time you've seen her working here or have you seen her numerous times? And is it annoying you every time you see her or just this one particular time because the other cashier asked you to move to her till? If its causing any sort of annoyance to you every time.you see her then maybe shop somewhere different. Life is too short to let assholes from your past impact your present.

Also to those saying get over it maybe you could bring those magical words over to the mental health section I'm sure those words of wisdom will work magic Hmm

WingingItSince1973 · 05/03/2021 23:40

OP i am so sorry you went through such a traumatic time at school then as an adult when she threatened you on nights out. I would also avoid her till. It would be liked me avoiding using the till that my childhood abuser was working on. I wouldn't want to rock up to his till being all breezy and nonchalant to show him his vile actions don't still affect me. I would just quietly ignore him and use a different till and try to think of other things to take mind off it. But it does sound like you are still rightly struggling with what she did to you. Can you get some counselling? Would that help? Don't give her another thought when you shop. Just carry on using another till and calmly just saying I'm happy at this till should someone question you.

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 05/03/2021 23:45

In the nicest way possible, you do need to try and move past all this. Otherwise it will continue to eat you up. Next time you shop in there and she's serving. Walk up to the till head held high and show her you aren't scared of her anymore. She's hardly likely to punch you in the face with staff and customers around. Plus if she doesn't want her work to know what she's like she's hardly going to risk doing anything is she! I say this as someone who suffered life changing brain injuries after getting attacked by 2 girls I was in school with. One of them served me in morrisons a few years later. I made polite chit chat but the best feeling was knowing how good I felt afterwards

BlueThistles · 05/03/2021 23:51

OP you did the right thing for You ... and I'm sure you will continue to do so Flowers

Whatamesssss · 05/03/2021 23:54

@CherryTwin

I am honestly gobsmacked that some on here are defending her and making out I'm the unfair one by not wanting to have anything to do with her! Even going as far as to accuse me of being the one to cause trouble! Absolutely unbelievable!
Me too. It's shocking.

I don't blame you at all. I think you are very brave to keep shopping there.

Bullying stays with people for life. Many kids have killed themselves because of it. It is not something you just get over. Anyone who says just get over it either hasn't suffered being bullied or was a bully themselves.

Good for you op Flowers

Mittens030869 · 05/03/2021 23:54

As a former bullying victim, I do understand that it will have been triggering to see the woman who previously bullied you in school. Of course you were thrown by it.

However, you could easily run into her again in another location, as she presumably lives in your local area. For your own sake, I think you should consider therapy to help you process your feelings about what she and other bullies (?) did to you.

I’m really not minimising the impact of bullying on the self-esteem. As I said, I’ve been there. And I don’t know how I would feel if I ran into one of my school bullies, as I never have. But you’re not in the playground now; you’re a grown adult and this woman has no power over you anymore.

It will have been a massive shock to see her, though, and your reaction of not wanting to be served by her is completely understandable. Flowers

slashlover · 05/03/2021 23:55

I would be tempted to quietly and bluntly tell them why, and that she was violent to you in the past and that you have no time for her

Nobody working in the shop will care though. The bully will deny it, it will be their co-worker's word against a stranger's.

MollieBa · 06/03/2021 00:02

I think you acted with dignity OP. If you’re happy to shop there and it’s not too painful do it.

@Eckhart every sensible reader knows exactly what you meant, they serve customers. Enjoy the bully being at your service. I’m not sure these posters should work in retail if they don’t think serving people is part of their job.

ElephantsNest · 06/03/2021 00:02

Ah yes, a ‘loveable rogue’ from a troubled background...I was bullied by one of those and school did nothing. So I do sympathize, but I would move on if you can, via counseling if need be. She isn’t worth the headspace.

Cuppachino · 06/03/2021 00:03

Omg. I say this kindly, pls pls seek help/counselling

See people who post this shit Angry...you didn't say it 'kindly'. It's sooo passive aggressive and arrogant.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2021 00:03

She didn't have the "right" to make ops school environment hostile.
She was still bullying at op as an adult by threatening to glass her.. I bet she's still a bully now.
I'd not only refuse to be served by her but I'd tell the whole shop why.
No one forced her be a bully. That's a choice she made. Maybe its about time the chickens came home to roost.

GreenlandTheMovie · 06/03/2021 00:03

I think your response is pretty good OP! Its not OTT, its dignified and you can still shop there at your convenience. And who knows, perhaps more people than you are doing it.

Although I also like Eckhart's idea of watching her having to behave while she serves are we allowed to use that word in the English language supplies you.

Cotton55 · 06/03/2021 00:04

No one is asking you to interact with anyone. You have choices. Either continue shopping there and use the other til or don't. I'm sorry you were bullied but what exactly are you looking for here? For us to say the shop assistant who knows nothing about you (and probably nothing about her colleagues atrocious behaviour in school) was being unreasonable to expect you to move to the empty till? No one could have anything but sympathy for you and what you went through in school but I really can't understand the point of this post tbh. What answers are you looking for from us??

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2021 00:04

That was for Teardrop2021

melj1213 · 06/03/2021 00:10

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

YANBU to not want to be served by your school bully but YABU to be making such a big deal out of the shop assistant telling you to go to the other till.

I work in a supermarket, we will regularly "rearrange" customers to different till queues/divert to help them via the self scan machines etc because it helps even out the workload, ensures everyone gets served promptly, stops queues building up unnecessarily and sometimes frees up colleagues to go and do other jobs sooner (eg Cashier A is only trained on the till but Cashier B is the supervisor with other duties, when it goes quiet we would divert people to A so we could free up B to do other tasks sooner). Additionally we have various productivity targets to attain and having too many people in a queue will make us fail even if the queues are caused by customers refusing to use other tills.

Sometimes people don't want to move, which is their choice, but it does always seem weird when people would rather wait with one or two items behind someone doing a big shop when there is an empty till two feet away unless there is an obvious reason why they would want one till over another (eg a customer in a wheelchair wanting to wait to use the accessible till vs a regular one as it is adjusted for them to be able to reach the bagging area at a comfortable height) The other shop assistant has no knowledge of your backstory with your bully and so she was probably just thinking you were weird to not want to be served quicker.

I also think you are overthinking the bully's behaviour - it is highly unlikely she is going to launch herself over the counter to attack you just for coming to her till - if she did then she would lose her job for a start. She works there, you know that and yet you still continue to use the store knowing you may have to interact with her in some way eventually so you clearly dont expect an unprovoked attack enough to shop elsewhere, so how is using her till any different? The only one who has a choice not to be there is you so you need to either shop elsewhere or accept that you may have to directly deal with her eventually and the only one who has any control over that is you.

Cuppachino · 06/03/2021 00:10

I am honestly gobsmacked that some on here are defending her and making out I'm the unfair one by not wanting to have anything to do with her! Even going as far as to accuse me of being the one to cause trouble! Absolutely unbelievable!

Me too OP. In fact, I need to leave this thread as it's making my blood boil. Good luck.

YouAintKingDingALing · 06/03/2021 00:11

@Cuppachino yeah OK

Nancydrawn · 06/03/2021 00:13

OP, as a ballpark, how old are you?

You are allowed to interact with her however you like, as long as you remain calm and nonabusive, which you have. I think that you were reasonable not to want to interact with her. I don't blame the other clerk for being confusedof course she didn't know your backstorybut you didn't do anything wrong.

But I ask about age because I imagine the context is very different if you're say, 23 than if you're, say, 63. It's not that you ever have to interact with her, but I would guess it feels much more keen in the decade immediately following the incidents, which sound horrific.

Wesaed · 06/03/2021 00:14

YANBU to not want to be served by her, but equally her colleague, who doesn't know you, is also NBU to find you a bit of a weird/difficult customer and probably roll her eyes about you with your former bully later. Which would probably be reason enough for me to just go to the other til in and of itself.

tigertreats · 06/03/2021 00:14

Well done OP. Don't engage. Don't ever be rude but you don't have to engage with anyone who has treated you so badly.
I'm sorry that this happened to you it's unacceptable the damage that bullying does. My sisters life was destroyed by school bullies and I would not have the self control to be in a shop with them !
X

Nancydrawn · 06/03/2021 00:14

I also do agree about therapy. Not so that you can interact with her againshe can fuck offbut to help process the horrible things you've experienced. It's good to be able to talk about it with someone who has no vested stake in the situation. It'll feel good to process it.

Mamanyt · 06/03/2021 00:19

Well, you're not being unreasonable, however...I'd love to be able to have my bully in a position that they had to be pleasant to me. OH, the fun I could have with that, and without ever seeming to be being a bitch about it!

Mockolate · 06/03/2021 00:20

YANBU, if my school bully was there I wouldn't want to go anywhere near her either.

You don't have a right to make her working environment hostile though. If she was the only person on the till what would you do

Can't muster up any sympathy, sorry! So someone doesn't want to be served by her for whatever reason?
Big deal Confused Hmm
Not exactly on the same level.

SilverBirchWithout · 06/03/2021 00:20

I did this a few weeks back at our local neighbourhood co-op. The one other till had someone who was serving who wasn’t wearing a mask.
I didn’t make a fuss or anything, just said I’m fine I’ll just wait at this till.
I understand the other person may have reasons for not wearing one - but it was my choice to stay in the queue where I was.

OP - you’re the customer you choice where you queue.

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