To not want to be served in a shop by my school bully?

[CherryTwin]

When I was at school I was bullied throughout secondary school by a very 'tough' girl who was absolutely vile to me. Particular highlights include her threatening to stab me, and in a nightclub when I was about 18 threatening to glass me in the face! She also punched me in the face several times throughout school, kicked me off a chair, hit me on the head with a tennis racquet. The list goes on...

Since school I'm aware she's not changed much and has been in trouble with the police but seems to have a reputation as a 'lovable rogue' and is one of those that gets away with everything. School never did a thing to stop her behaviour and I was expected to just put up with it because she came from a troubled background.

Anyway, for the past year she has worked in a shop that's very local to me. I am no longer afraid of her and refuse to stop using the shop as it's convenient for me to use. However I will not be served by her, and I always queue at a different till to the one that she is on.

Tonight I went into the shop and, with two tills being open, I queued at the one that she was not on even though she was only serving one customer. When she'd finished serving her customer, the assistant at the till I was at said to go on to the other till as it was empty and I said 'no I'm fine thanks, I'll stay here'. She was quite insistent and looked at me like I was nuts when I refused to move and said I wanted to be served at that till and was happy to queue.

AIBU to not want to be served in a shop by someone that was a violent bully to me at school?

I'd hold my head up high, let her serve me and avoid engaging in conversation. I'd also be tempted to do something really annoying like insisting to pay for an expensive shop with lose change.

Whilst I really disagree with the servant comment by another responder, nope, I don't think you were wrong, you are being an adult. You're not trying to get her in trouble at work, you don't want to have to interact with someone who made your life miserable, and will happily stand in a longer queue to ensure that doesn't happen. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that- she works there, you shop there, and both of you are able to do that.

YANBU. But, I also agree that assuming she recognises you, doing this is also giving her power. It's making her realise that she still has an effect on you. Are you ok with that?

Personally I wouldn't want her to know she still had that kind of power over me, so I would either be served by her, or not use the shop. But it's absolutely your choice.

Or 'accidentally' smashing a jar of tomato sauce all over her till area...

I kind of admire you if I'm honest. I'm nearly 40 and still pretty wary of similar characters in my past when I see them around. I'd probably avoid going into the shop altogether. And I definitely wouldn't have the confidence to stick to my principles like that.

And even though I'm not scared of her I don't fancy getting punched in the face across a till!

She's not going to risk her job for you OP. You were probably just one of many, many people she's been horrible to throughout her life. she probably barely remembers you and doesn't care about you if she does.

OP,
You have the right to feel how you feel.
As someone who was bullied too I understand.
it’s easy for people to just say move on but your feelings are valid and you should therefore do what you think it’s best to help you deal with the horrible treatment you suffered at the hands of your bullies.

I disagree with the poster who said that by reaction to it you are letting your bully know she has an effect on you. It’s about her know she was horrible and dealing with the consequences of her behaviour.
I’m over this coating your feeling bs. If someone causes hurt, it’s only right that they know they have caused hurt. Why should someone “pretend” they are “over it”?

Too many bullies are just simply nasty people that need to deal with the consequences of their actions.

I am not defending bullying behaviour. Don’t kid yourself though, she is still controlling what you do. She has controlled you to wait longer than needed.

Sometimes, you just need to grow up. Maybe she hasn't, but she's hardly going to jump over the counter and smack you with the credit card machine, is she?

If you really cant stand to be served by her, where nothing bad will happen because she is working, then fine but her colleague doesnt know any of it. She is obviously going to tell you to move to be served, and will have no idea why you stood there and refused. There's no point in starting a thread, acting as though that assistant has done something wrong by telling you to move up.

Do you know what, I think you did exactly the right thing. You didn’t make a scene but held your ground with your assertion that you will go to the shop but not engage. For those people saying you are too involved maybe that’s because you’ve come online to dissect and get some advice but that’s as a one off. I think if you posed the question, ‘should I act like that again in future?’ My answer would be yes.

@ Talkwhilstyouwalk

I'd hold my head up high, let her serve me and avoid engaging in conversation. I'd also be tempted to do something really annoying like insisting to pay for an expensive shop with lose change.

🤣👏

I disagree with the poster who said that by reaction to it you are letting your bully know she has an effect on you. It’s about her know she was horrible and dealing with the consequences of her behaviour.
I’m over this coating your feeling bs. If someone causes hurt, it’s only right that they know they have caused hurt. Why should someone “pretend” they are “over it”?

Because the bully wont care, there are no consequences.

I think you did the right thing. She isn't a nice person. You were non confrontational but stood your ground.

Bullying is awful OP and I’m sorry you had such a terrible time. But you still seem very angry about it, and it probably isn’t good for your wellbeing to still be holding onto all those feelings. I know it’s easy said than done, but in a way she’s still ‘Winning’ by taking up that space in your mind and getting you worked up. Does she recognise you do you think?

As others have said the other workers won’t know your history so won’t understand your insistence not to use certain tills.

@Teardrop2021

I would just go to a different shop to be honest.

. She'd be paid to serve you. Like a servant This comment is disgraceful she is a keyworker not a servant. People show shop workers some respect.

You want a victim to treat her bully with respect? Really?

Have a word with yourself. It is abundantly clear that that the poster isn’t suggesting all shop workers deserve to be looked upon that way!

@StellaStarfleet

Sometimes, you just need to grow up. Maybe she hasn't, but she's hardly going to jump over the counter and smack you with the credit card machine, is she?

If you really cant stand to be served by her, where nothing bad will happen because she is working, then fine but her colleague doesnt know any of it. She is obviously going to tell you to move to be served, and will have no idea why you stood there and refused. There's no point in starting a thread, acting as though that assistant has done something wrong by telling you to move up.

Ah, ok next time I want to start a thread I'll check with you beforehand to see if there's any point in starting it shall I?

Since when does growing up involve having to have any interaction with someone that assaulted you?

If your local shop gave poor service OP, no matter how convenient it was to use, I’d imagine you’d go elsewhere and sacrifice the convenience for good service? If this situation makes your shopping experience a bad one, go elsewhere. It’s not going to do you any good. I was bullied and those girls are still local to me. I make sure I don’t go to places they may drink etc, because I don’t want to feel tortured by awful memories. Honestly, please consider shopping elsewhere for your well-being. History can’t be changed but you need to be able to control your current life and facing her and feeling the way you do means she’s still winning, albeit she doesn’t know that.

Shop assistants do literally serve people.

Also being a servant isn't automatically being someone's inferior.
It is a job, like any other sometimes a highly skilled job that lots of us wouldn't be able to do. For example being a butler for the royal family would be beyond me.

I don't think you can blame the shop manager for being confused as you didn't give any explanation for not moving up in the line.

I second smashing a jar of tomatoes at her till 😋 only joking. I know the type they don't change she'd lamp you outside of work.
Keep doing what you are doing, never engage even for an apology.

Only on Mumsnet can you get told you need to 'Grow up' because you won't forgive and forget a bully's behaviour! Unbelievable!

OP, you are exercising control by choosing not to engage with her, using the other till and walking out of the shop when you're done. I like your approach.

Thank you to those of you that have offered support and kind words, rather than telling me I'm being childish or need to get over it.

22:14CoffeeRunner the respect comment is to the respect who reference keyworkers as servants.

End of the day if you go in the shop and make issues you utilmately can end up getting banned, if the till is free and the server is free and you can be aerve get served but don't go in and give her abuse.

Tbf how would the shop assistant have any clue you were bullied by her? She was obvs confused because usually people want to pay and leave the shop quickly and small orderly queues make the shop run smoothly. Well done for standing your ground but YABU for blaming the shop assistant

Just go somewhere else, there’s a bully security guard at my local coop who I feel had started to target me (no idea why I’ve never stolen) I now don’t go there anymore, I don’t care how inconvenient it is I refuse to shop there. This is obviously causing you distress so just go somewhere else.