Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

How dare she. ! You sound like a wonderful mum. You do what YOU want. Your son gets as much of you as you can give him before you have to go back to work. Why do people want their children to grow up so fast? I just want mine to stay little....lol....
Just smile and tell her that you will do it your way but thanks all the same. Like me, you do things that suits you, and keep it up! Its a shame he has to go to nursery soon but you have to deal with that when the time comes. He will enjoy having other children to play with and I am sure tbere will be hurdles to get across when the time comes or perhaps he will just toddle off merrily when the time comes. All children are different. She should mind her own business. If you so want to stop night feeds....try making bottlemilk weaker and weaker until he drinks just cooled boiled water and he will soon stop waking.....lol as its not as attractive.....but you can still do night feeds when he is in nursery if you want. Is all up to you. Your sister in law probably feels inferior to you and tries to show off.

All children are different. All mothers are different. You are doing a great job. Stop listening to her.
On a side note - my very clingy daughter has grown up to be very independent ... so what she says is utter tosh ...

I think your way is definitely the best way. Depriving your husband of a night with you is so old fashioned and I would divorce my husband if that was the rules.
My SIL hates me but doesn’t hide it and goes out of her way to make sure I know this fact!

Ignore the clingy bit, there was some research that attachment parenting children, so carried 24/7 unless walking, were actually less clingy as they were braver as they knew they could go to their parents at any time for comfort so actually made more progress and were less hesitant.

I'd just like to say you sound like a wonderful mother. Every baby is different, you do you and tell her to do her.

She's an idiot. I wonder if whether it makes her question herself.

Ignore her! Mine were all three just as you describe at a year old. Didn't go into their own rooms until after their first birthday, shared a night nursery until they started school, contact napped during the day. They were all at boarding school without any problem, my DS from 8 years, my two DDs from 13. All are well adjusted adults.
Tell her to mind her own business, you're doing fine!

Just continue being a great mum.
Everyone parents their own way, I hate it when people try and tell people their way is best, right as if it's one way for everyone.

People normally do this when they have insecurities about their choices.
Trust yourself, you know your baby, enjoy them as it goes so quickly.

Speak honestly with your husband, explain that you need a little distance from her as she isn't helping your confidence or mental health. But believe in yourself, you sound great.

I would bluntly tell her to do one. She has no right to tell you how to parent your own baby. Your baby your rules just keep repeating to her. Has she won awards for her parenting?! NO I doubt it so she is doing no better than you. Your baby loves you and that’s all that matters. Block her number and spend the extra time you don’t have to interact with her on cuddles with your baby. Better still get your OH to have a word

Surely at this age the most important thing is forming secure attachments to primary caregivers, not messing about fixating on ‘independent play’. I agree, she’s trying to make you feel bad to make herself feel good. I’d try and keep responses vague from now on- “he’s really good, thanks”. Or even “we’re happy with what we’re doing, thank you”. You don’t have to give her information if you don’t want to! FWIW, my 4 year old still isn’t great at independent play (10 minutes if we’re lucky), and I haven’t been away from him overnight yet. It works for us.

The other thing is that I think children all have ‘tricky’ stages- she will most likely hit a wall with her child at some point where the sleep/ eating/ whatever goes to pot. Parenting isn’t a competition so please don’t compare yourself. You sound like a lovely Mum!

You sound absolutely lovely. In fact you remind me of me!! Not calling myself lovely, but I too had my kids in our rooms until they were both one, and they only had their first sleepover at age 6.
Why on earth would you want to send your baby away? That is bonkers...
I remember a mum at school having a go at me when ds was 6 & hadn’t yet been away from us overnight, she was telling me her daughter started spending the night away from her when she was a baby. All I could think was what a shame! I treasure every night my kids are with me. My eldest is 14 now, and I think I’ve had maybe 4 or 5 nights where I’ve gone away without him. He’s obvs had sleepovers and school trips, but I would so much rather be with my kids than not.
Sounds like your SIL is missing out, if she hadn’t been so bitchy towards you I might even feel sorry for her!
Think you need to pull her up on her behaviour, just to make your life easier. It sounds like she’s the insecure one tbh if she’s so adamantly telling you you’re doing it wrong.
Enjoy your little one & cherish the time you’re with them. Before you know it they’ll be a hulking/sulking teenager 😂

I think you sound like a fab mum. You do need to disengage from your SIL though or she will drive you nuts.

I think you're fab. There's no one correct way to bring up a child. It differs from mum to mum and child to child. If there WAS one "correct" way (which as I said, there isn't) I'd say it's more your style than hers.

You sound like a wonderful attentive mum!

My boy co slept with me and had night feeds for 20months, he’s now 5; he likes to get into bed with me still and has nights in his own bed.
He’s not clingy, he secure and happy, kind loving and incredible little boy
He’s never slept away from home (no family) what I’m trying to say is, you keep doing you.
Parent how you want to and give yourself buckets of kindness. You’re not creating a clingy baby, you’re doing what feels right for you and him and that’s the best most amazing thing you can do.
Grey rock your SIL eventually she’ll just stop or someone will point out to her what an opinionated tit she’s been x

My 19 years old who co-slept/breastfed til he was 3 years old, played with his mom a lot, functioned college in New York City just fine. And New York City is 10 hours (driving hours) away from where we live. Your baby is going to be just fine.

Please ignore her for your well being and the well being of your child. You do you and what is best in terms of bringing your child up. It’s all well and good her palming her child off every other weekend and having the most amazing sleeping child 🙄 but do remember, the more outspoken a person is, the more they are probably talking a load of rubbish - smokescreen and mirrors comes to mind. I had the exact same thing and it turned out the person making me feel like this was actually struggling all along.

I still BF my 15 month old. He woke 4 times last night. He still sleeps in bed with me. I’ll contact sleep with him in the day given half the chance. I’ve never left him for more than a few hours when not working. He didn’t struggle when I returned to work. He isn’t clingy. He’s an outgoing, confident, clever, happy little boy who knows his mother will meet all of his needs.

You are not a bad mum. You are a fabulous mum.

Do not ever let someone tell you how to raise your baby.

She’s likely feeling insecure about her own choices so she wants to push them onto you because that’ll validate her that she did the right thing.

Nobody is right or wrong. We all parent differently. Try to find a way to support each other not knock each other down.

If it were me I’d tell her how I felt but first you need to find your confidence.

You are doing a fantastic job.

I think she knows she's a less than adequate mother. She dumps her child on other people at the first opportunity. She just wants you to do the same so that she doesn't feel guilty. You're tired, fed up and possibly a bit depressed over all this, but don't be. Be proud of the way you're coping, and maybe flag it up, boast about it and let everybody know

I’ve not read any comments sorry! But felt compelled to answer this! U are an amazing mum! U are doing exactly what u should be doing which is what is right for you and your son. U know your child better than anyone. I had my kids in with me for ages, I coslept with them in their room for years. I breastfed during the night when others thought I was wrong to. I have only left my eldest son with someone else for one night in over 8 years!! My youngest has never had a night without me beside him or in the next room. They are loving kids and they know I’m always here for them whilst also working and having my own life. If this person is putting you down it is because she feels anxious that she has done the wrong thing and it makes her feel better about herself. This is not about u! As I said I are an amazing mum. Just keep listening to your intuition and u will be fine!! Xxx

U are an amazing mum not I! Blooming predictive text

Wow, you sound like a wonderful mother. She will go on about this forever most likely, some people treat parenting like a competitive sport.

Ignore ignore ignore, her comments are about her, not you. Her insecurities, her worries. Please dont second guess yourself.

Wow! Your sister in law is so jealous of you that its verging on obsessive. That's not normal!

I wouldnt even bother telling her it annoyed me. I would reply to every message with something neutral like 'cool' or 👍. I might even say 'are you obsessed with my child or something 😆 LOL'

Laugh her off, downplay her and ignore her. Dont explain yourself to her. She knows exactly what she's doing and she wants you to feel like that. You trigger her because she knows how well you are doing and it has set something off in her. Do not let her feed off you a second longer!

There’s no hard and fast rules about bringing up a baby apart from love and care. Bring your son up how you and DH want to and use your own instincts about when he’s ready for change or something new. Your SIL is probably seeking some sort of validation or affirmation that she is doing things right. Tell her she’s doing a wonderful job but your child is not a clone of hers and you are bringing him up in a way that you think is right for him. You’re his mum and no one knows him better than you. You seem to be doing fine!

I’ve got to say, I’m loving this thread, I’m surrounded by people that bring up children the old school way. No one breastfeeds ( not because they can’t but because they want an ‘easy life’ - babies put on their own rooms at a really young age, left to cry it out, babies fobbed off to gran parents within days of being born etc yet I’m here with my ‘clingy’ 2 and a half year old still feeding on demand, still bedsharing, never had a night away, still wakes up a few times a night and i get comments of all sorts, as if what I’m doing is not normal and have created ‘rods’ for my own back. Whilst I have read a ton loads of information on gentle/ attachment parenting and a massive thanks to the Sarah octwell smith, although I know what I’m doing for my baby is what I believe to be correct, I do still doubt myself sometimes but reading all the responses on here, knowing there’s so many of you doing the same ‘style’ makes me feel better.