Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Sounds like SIL has got farrr too much to say for herself!!

Just replying to her and tell her to mind her business, she’s a 1st time mum too and has a LOT of help!!!

Honestly you’re doing amazing!

OP you’re doing an amaizing job. My youngest DD was BF until 2.5yrs old and would regularly wake at least once for a feed until she was almost 2! There is nothing wrong with a 12 month old baby waking for one night feed. Your DS is not being clingy. He just has a strong attachment to his primary carer (you). Sounds like a normal baby if you ask me. It sounds like SIL relishes the chance to palm her DC off and that works for her but it’s not for everyone!

I have 2 DS, they are 4 and almost 2.

DS1 breastfed until he was 18 months, still bed shares with DH when he wants to, the only nights he has been without me were when I was in hospital to have DS2.

DS2 co-sleeps, still breastfeeds, has never had a night away from me.

I work, DS1 was been in nursery from 13 months, loved it and is now very happy in reception. Trots off with his friends, no bother!

DS2 kisses me goodbye and shuts the door after me when I drop him with the childminder.

They are both happy, confident children who love their daddy and grandparents.

Honestly I would say your SIL feels insecure and wants to put down your parenting to make herself feel better about her own.

Stop engaging would be my advice, you don't need to justify anything you do or for her to agree with you. I would tell her as little as possible and if asked a direct question I'd just deflect it, don't explain or justify.

"Are you worried he won't settle at nursery?"

"I'm not concerned, we find this way works best for us. Did you see MAFS/the news/Unforgotten etc"

"You have to put him in his own room/stop the nightfeeds/get him to play independently"

"We find this works best for us. We were thinking of redecorating the downstairs loo, do you think grey or yellow would work best?"

"X is doing so well with independent play, they are the perfect baby etc"

"I'm really glad things are working out so well for you, we are all so fond of X. Do you have any ideas for MIL's birthday present this year?"

Etc, etc, etc! You do have to stick with it but it does work in my experience!

I think you should reply as if you are reassuring a very insecure mother. Be nothing but positive about both children and don't share any details about your parenting choices.

F that she is a D head. Her kids probably a nightmare.

Enjoy every second of your son, he will only be young once so if it works for you, stick to it! There is probably some underlying jealousy behind this.

Honestly do not let her get to you. She sounds jealous to me and like she’s trying to justify what she is doing is right by telling you what your doing I wrong.
I was in a similar situation when I had my first child years ago. My SIL had a child 6 months after me, both were first born children. When my child was 1 she developed a condition which she has now grown out of. She was under medical care and had regular check ups and we were told by doctors that she would likely grow out of if but it was still very much a worry for us. I was talking to MIL and SIL about how she had gone on with one of her appointments and I will never forget SIL said to me ‘it makes me feel so grateful that my child was born perfect and is so perfect and healthy’
At the time suffering with PND I felt like such a failure and that it was my fault.
She has come out with many thoughtless comments over the years but I now don’t give a crap about her comments or opinions! I have no time for people who don’t bring anything positive to my life!

Ignore her!

You sound like a great mum. My children all co slept and stayed in my room as long as they wanted. It’s completely natural for a tiny person to want to be near their mummy anyway. Make the most of every moment OP , they grow up so fast, you will look
back and cherish these days.

There are no set rules for how to parent, go with what you want, always.

OP, as everyone has said, you are doing nothing wrong.
Before I had children, I thought parenting had a huge influence on personality. Then I had twins, who were treated exactly the same as babies. Even in the womb, Thing One was calm and Thing Two kicked like billy-o.
They are incredibly different people.
Thing Two is demanding, needy and anxious, and interested in everything.
Thing One is independent, self-reliant, reserved. (and delightfully snuggly but only on her own terms).
I found a book that describes children as being like trees. You can look after a tree or neglect it, prune it, bonsai it or treat it so it grows tall and thin. But you can't change a Douglas fir into an oak, or a poplar into a holly tree.
I think you sound like a lovely mother. I'm even slightly envious, because you take so much pleasure in your lovely baby's company.
Your SIL may also be doing everything right - although it's not my style, I can see from watching my children's friends that a very routine-bound, structured parenting style can be extremely comforting for a child, creating immense security. Both are valid - what matters is that you love your child and parent with conviction and consistency.
To me, it sounds as though your SIL may be the kind of person who feels criticised by people doing things differently, and lashes out at the criticism she imagines.
You don't need to answer in kind - but perhaps addressing it directly might be interesting? Ask her if she has any major concerns about your DS's development that you should talk to a HV about. And once that's dealt with, say firmly that you'd prefer not to talk about your different parenting styles any more.

You sound like a wonderful mother @littlerayoflight. Life would be dull if we were all the same and she should really learn to keep her mouth shut. It won't make her very popular with many other mums if she keeps sharing her "advice" x

Oops. Sorry for the enormous screed!

You place far too much stock on what your SIL says and thinks. Yes she's being a dick and sounds a complete bore, but you are a glutton for punishment. You don't have to respond to whatever she says in her messages, or discuss your child with her. Just disengage and get on with your life.

I'm sorry to sound uncaring about your feelings, I'm really not.

But, no one can make you feel anything emotional. She says the things she does and you certainly feel the way you do. But, you do have a degree of agency in this situation, as an adult.

Don't try to analyse why she says such hurtful things. You cannot change other people. Work on your reaction.

Why do you put so much value on her opinion? To the point you are feeling bad about it? Are you confident in your way of parenting?' If you are, carry on doing it your way.

She’s being a dick, you sound like a great mum and she’s probably lying. My son slept in our room til he was 2.5 until we moved house, or we got no sleep. He only started sleeping through at age 4.5. He’s the coolest most relaxed happy kid. Your SIL is really horrible. Sorry and good luck!

Rephrase and reframe. He is not clingy, he is affectionate. He is not over-reliant, he is well-bonded. Come up with a list of alternative words, and when your SIL starts on her narrative, drop in your own words to create your own narrative.

Her: ‘DS is going to be clingy and not cope at nursery’
You: ‘you know, I’m quite sure that he is going to have a lovely time because he has such a secure base and is so bonded, it’s given him so much confidence!’

Also just thinking you could let her know that you have actively chosen a different style of parenting to her, in a non-confrontation way: ‘I love that although we obviously have chosen quite different parenting styles, both of our children are really happy little ones. Aren’t they great!’

I’m a fairly mild mannered person and even I was reading your post and saying to your SIL, in my head, “fuck right off!” I just don’t know where people like this get off. Getting some sort of high horse experience out of shaming other mothers, her own family no less. The fall from that horse may come soon if her own perfect specimen of a perfect baby turns on her soon 🙄 Ignore everything she’s saying and tell her to mind her own bloody business. What an absolute cow!

Do you know for a fact that she does have her shit together? I mean, do you visit much? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, she could be in tears daily but making herself feel better by bullying you through messages. I would ask her "Are you ok? I sense that you are feeling rather insecure about your choices with [daughter] because you talk about it incessantly" or something like that that.

Sound like you look after your baby very well, I have never left my children except for an emergency op and DS2 being born, both times DS1 managed fine without me, so it hadn't made him clingy! It's a personal choice, personally I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving mine at 3 months without me... probably more likely to make them clingy, knowing they may be left without mum! Nothing you are doing is bad for your child, it's just different parenting. Maybe you could get someone to point this out to her, that unless your are acting dangerously or neglecting your child then she needs to keep her opinions to herself! Please don't be upset by her comments, every baby is different, my 2 are brought up the same but they are very different!

I'm sorry you're suffering

I hope things improve but do reach out to those who can help.

Perhaps try a few sarcastic comments such as, "you must be so proud" " thanks for being so concerned about my DS". She's a horrible bully and I can imagine she'll be raising her DD to be the same.

The best advice here is not to reply, or at least not immediately. It’s like training a dog. If she says something nice, respond quickly. As soon as she says anything bitchy, you wait five hours to reply and make the reply very short and polite. Turn off “read notifications” if that helps you. It helped me. You don’t owe her - or anyone - an immediate response. Sounds like you’re too busy enjoying your time with your son to reply quite so often. You’re doing nothing wrong other than letting this woman take up space in your head.

I enjoy the interaction with baby too but she’s doing really well with independent play, her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy

Tbh you sound lovely and she sounds very insecure about her parenting, the comment about her key worker commenting on her baby reeks of insecurity

If you have to interact with her just agree with her

'It's good your key worker thinks your baby is happy and easy

'Yes I'm sure he'll enjoy nursery'

Or simply keep saying 'we all parent differently'

Every child is different with different needs

Or if all else fails -- do you mean to be so rude