Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

In my opinion you're a fabulous mum! Breastfeeding and building an attachment with your child is the norm the world over. Your child sounds absolutely normal. Your sister in law doesn't sound very nice at all!! Everyone parents differently and I think you should believe in yourself more. Attachment wise it's totally normal for toddlers to be really attached to their mum, it's a sign of a secure attainment.

You sound like your doing an amazing job!
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, when you think something is going well - bam a week later something else changes!
There's so much competition out there and it's so hard when everyone compares or quite happy to give their opinion yet every family leads a different life etc.
Honestly do what makes yourself, your son and DH happy!
Enjoy the cuddles ... they won't want them forever ❤️

In my opinion narcissistic mothers usually make clingy children, they guilt them into staying with them instead rooting for them to be more independent.

Honestly I’d just tell her straight. ‘Look I get that you parent differently to me but honestly the constantly opinions and comments on my parenting is getting really tiring now so just keep them to yourself’. Blunt and clear but not rude IMO!

@ThornAmongstRoses

You sound like an amazing mother!!!!!

My opinion is that people only criticise someone else’s parenting when they are either jealous, or they are just the kind of unpleasant, self centred person that likes to brag and gloat. Yuk.

Tell her to just “FUCK.OFF”

This. Especially the telling her to go away thing

You are a great Mum centring your child's needs. She on the other hand is more selfish.Ignore ignore ignore....

Sounds like your SIL is projecting a lot of her insecurities on to you. You sound like you’re happy in your choices so smile sweetly and say ‘you do you and I’ll do me’

FWIW my son was still having night feeds until beyond 12 months and still BF once or twice a day until shortly before he turned 2. I’m a SAHM and he had never been looked after by anyone except me and his dad. He started in nursery 2 mornings a week in Jan and has not so much as shed a tear, goes off happily (probably glad to see the back of me!!). You do you.

Your SIL is a dick.
Your child might be clingy, they equally might not be. They will grow up knowing they are loved.

Her child might grown up to be a dick. Genetics and nurture are not on her side.

Just a wee add, because I think you've had excellent responses about how you're doing a grand job and about your toxic SIL ... is she contacting you by mobile phone? Because you could always block her number. And if she - as presumably she would - called your house number or your husband's phone to ask why, then you have the chance to simply tell her you blocked her because her constant unwanted advice has been bringing back your PNA and as a result you've decided it's best for you to cut contact. Then just hang up.

Ok lots of great comments but I feel I need to back this up.

I have a 15 month old and we also share a room and the occasional contact nap (they are wonderful huh!)

I am a single mum so he spends most of his time just with me.

He hasn’t spent a night away from me in his life and I’m not really interesting in trying it yet, like you I’m happy with him being here.

He still normally has a bottle at night.

Being a first time mum I have been so unbelievably unsure if I’m doing the right thing and have pretty much chewed my HV’s ear off.
Her words to me....he is completely and utterly normal!

Loving your child doesn’t make it clingy

Sharing a room with your child is normal and has and is being done by billions of mums across history and the world.

With as much respect as I can muster, your SIL is quite simply a dick.

Don’t even give her crap the time of day!

You sound like a fantastic, capable and loving mum.

Your relationship with OH I’m sure is healthy, like you say ...variety is yours for the taking.

Maybe worth mentioning to OH about how the bast bint is making you feel because her shit isn’t acceptable!

Stay strong lass, you are obviously better than her x

That’s sounds horrible to be around.
We have a 21 month old and we’ve never had a night away. Our couple of hours away is afternoon naps. Now at nursery but we both work so not really time for ourselves. Our choice to have a child so our choice to be there for her and what she needs.
I love playing and cuddling. And she needs play with others, that’s how they learn. She’ll play independently but I’m always close by otherwise she might hurt herself or destroy something!
Do what you want to do and as long as you and yours are happy forget anyone else. Not worth the energy.

I’ve not RTFT but you sound like a lovely mum, OP. If you can manage this style of parenting - amazing! It’s only ever a positive. I wasn’t able to BF but expressed and bottle fed for 8 weeks. We also had DD in our room until she was 11 months old. Lots of weird comments from NCT group mums and in the midst of that my GP said something that stuck: people who criticise others’ choices are usually afraid at looking at their own. Ie if they can’t label you as “mad” or “wrong” there’s a chance they’re the ones lacking and that hurts. That really helped me. Although, of course, there isn’t any right and wrong in parenting, outside of the really obvious stuff, and each to their own.

I have to say our DD is 20 months old now and is a happy toddler who had zero fuss moving to her own cot age 1, no trouble giving up night feeds and no problems going into childcare. She was secure and ready. Keep it up and do what feels right. You’re a good mum!

In terms of managing your SIL, and she does sound tedious, have a look at the YouTube channel of Anna B, where she summarises parenting books, including Raising Girls and Raising Boys. One angle could be to say boys need different things and just move on after that each time. The author of those books does seek to think that girls are more “mature” from birth because they get more oestrogen, even in the womb. Whatever the scientific nuances, it’s a way to end the conversation.

You sound like you are doing a great job . But I agree you need some way to shut her down . Tbh it’s none of her business how you raise your child . Maybe just keep saying . Well it works for us . Smiley face . Then don’t engage .
I know it’s hard not to try and defend yourself but when someone is convinced they are superior ( even when they are clearly not ) you are never going to win an argument with them .

You sound like the most beautiful mother.
I did similar to you with all three of mine and will do with no 4.
The criticism always comes this way from parents like your SIL. It’s so frustrating and difficult to turn a blind eye.
He will not become any of the things your sil is suggesting.
It is more likely, from research, that her child will have attachment issues, self esteem issues and become anxious as she grows older.
Your son will be secure, independent and thrive.
Enjoy him whilst he is young, it goes in the blink of an eye. X x x

You sound like you're doing an amazing job. It always astounds me how some mum's think it's a sign of 'better parenting' that they actively seek to spend as little time with their children as possible. My 1st son still bf during the night until about 20 months, still slept in our room and often co slept with us. He often contact slept during the day and and stopped bf at 27 months. 2nd son was similar but I continued to bf him until 3 1/2. I used to get very similar comments. Luckily im pig headed and couldn't have cared less. My response was always 'my rod and my back, it's not impacting your life so don't let it take up any space in your thoughts' FWIW, all research shows that children like this are often much more independent, defintely not clingy and usually more open to explore. Apparently it's because they feel more secure, knowing that mum has always been close by means they feel confident in 'going off' safe in the knowledge that mum will still be there when they return. My 2 (now 13 and 6) are both VERY confident, independent and secure in their abilities. It's a shame but you often find mum's criticise other mum to justify (to themselves) their own choices. Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing a great job.

We are quite happy with our parenting choices thank you.

Just keep shutting her down with this

Firstly her child isnt the perfect text book child, there is no such thing.

Your anxiety is probably linked to her constant put downs.

My DDs oldest 8 have slept out maybe 5 times in their lives, my 3yo has never slept anywhere but at home. Like you we dont have support, DH and I can probably count nights out together in 8 years on our fingers. But I never had children to palm them off onto others. If we want one on one time we do it when the DCs are in school & nursery. We are a very happy family, we knew exactly what we were doing.

My 3yo still wakes up for a bottle in the night, there is nothing wrong with it. She will stop when shes ready, just like my older DDs did.

The best part of being at home with my DDs was nap times and getting lots of cuddles from them. There is nothing wrong with your DS still doing this, though I will say try and reduce it and think about his own room as it will get harder for him to settle in a new room soon. You can still go the cuddles during the day but dont get stuck at nights, one of my DDs was 4.5 before we got her to settle on her own because we left it too late to get her use to settling alone. I was determined not to let number 3 be like her so put her in her room on her own with mo cuddles 😭 for a long time she would never settle when I did try cuddling her. Now at 3 she loves climbing into my bed for cuddles though 😁

I've done everything (except BF, I had to stop early) with all of mine and none of them are clingy, I have 3 very string independent girls, #1DDs first dat at kindly she ran off screaming bye to me and didn't want to come home. #2 was a little harder at months going into nursery but it didnt take long and #3 again no probs at 2yrs old Hoing to nursery, they were a few mornings shed cling to me but I think it was more the setting as as soon as we changed nurseries shed run in every day and always comes home smiling.

Your sil sounds very opinionated and quite frankly a bitch, id just say your happy doing things your way and to stop commenting on your parenting skills before you fall out with her.

You sound like your doing a great job x

Ignore - she’s probably being a lying liar who lies . Babies aren’t simple . They’re complex little beings with complex needs . What works for one won’t work for another and that’s even in the same family .You’re doing great and Sod’s law says her child will probably be horrible in the years to come and her words will come back to bite her . Trust your own instincts and don’t let anyone treat you like this .

Opp #2 was 14 months old when she went to nursery x

I enjoy the interaction with baby too but she’s doing really well with independent play, her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy.

i would just brush her off. answer with the same thing over and over. something like "ah, well im not worried about it. theyre so little now, they all get there in the end. wouldnt do for everyone to be the same" and then change the subject. repeat something pretty much word for word every time she pisses you off. she will get bored.

Urgh. What a twat. I coslept, breastfed and used a sling with both of mine. I can barely get a kiss off them going in to school now - you aren't creating a clingy child, promise

I havent read the full thread OP but I just wanted to add that you sound like an amazing mum and your son is very lucky to have you. When my daughter started nursery she was still breast fed, had never had a bottle, slept in my room/bed and had never been without me for more than an hour. She is getting along brilliantly at nursery. She is socialable, confident and now that she is two has made her own group of friends. Responding to your sons needs will not make him clingy. You are providing him a secure base from which he will explore the world. It sounds like you are doing great! Xx

Actually if her child really NEVER cries (not that I necessarily believe that crap!) that actually means the child is SO neglected that they have learnt there is no POINT in crying.

Years ago there was heartbreaking footage of "orphans" (they weren't really orphans they'd been dumped) in a group care facility in Romania NOT CRYING because they had all learnt they did not achieve anything by doing so, those babies are now adults and still suffering deeply from this neglect, they developed physical and mental disabilities and disorders as a result of this neglect.

I wonder if you pointed out this fact to her she would furiously backtrack? I suspect so, or do you think she is really neglecting her child this much?

NO child is "perfect"

She sounds a right fucking bitch to be honest!

Stop engaging with her, she's your husbands family not yours you certainly don't need to be dealing with daily, critical messages - that's a form of abuse in itself! No wonder you have pnd!

Frankly as someone who is very experienced in childcare and early years development myself, I see far more to criticise in her parenting than in yours!

3 months and she's regularly sending the child away for weekends?! Sorry but that is completely against all sids advice for starters and even aside from that I think that's really unhealthy.

Why has your dh not said or done something about this?! He should have! He should be protecting and defending his family - which is now you and your child above your in laws

My dd was in with us until nearly 7 months, co-sleeping initially until about 4 months and then in her cot next to our bed, only reason we moved her to her own room at that point was her dads snoring started to irritate her (it wasn't actually that bad she just sort of signalled to us she wanted away from it) she then went into her own room but often came in to co-sleep for last few hours of the night.

Ex and I split when she was a toddler, she co-slept with me again at that point as the change unsettled her, then she gradually off her own bat slept more often in her own room.

But until maybe early high school stage she'd often sleep in with me at weekends, we'd have snacks in bed and watch a movie and fall asleep snuggled up. It was me that stopped it at this point cos she's murder to sleep with and I was waking up covered in bruises on me legs!

She never had a night away from me until she was 4 or 5? There was nobody who I could have asked, but I didn't necessarily want her to either. When she did start spending nights away from me, her father on occasion and then later sleepovers with friends, she was absolutely fine, whereas some other children the same age who we attempted to reciprocate with couldn't cope and I ended up calling their parents to come get them - I'm talking even 11/12 year olds and older.

When she started school, she happily ran in without a backwards glance, me I was a mess!

My dd is now 20, she is one of the most well adjusted, confident, independent people of her age that I know!

Sleeping wise kid could sleep on a wire! She's slept in cars, on trains, planes, sofas, hospital chairs... it's quite a skill!

She is now away studying having moved out a couple years ago and lived on her own for just over a year but she's now staying with relatives cos she's a skint student!

You know the kids that grow up insecure? The ones that weren't supported as kids!

LOADS of research on this, seriously tons!

Being naturally affectionate WHICH IS NORMAL FOR A BABY isn't "being clingy"

You or dh - preferable dh as it's his sister and you're not well - needs to tell her to pack it in! And don't make yourself so available to her, and do some reading on narcissistic personalities and toxic families cos this sounds like CLASSIC narcissistic supply from you to her - she is literally getting off on your pain that she's creating

He’s very close with his brother so this woman isn't even his sister?! Wow! Stop putting up with crap from someone who is essentially a randomer! Dh needs to speak to his brother for his brother to tell his wife to wind her bloody neck in!

Or just tell her to fuck off! You owe her nothing, not your time or care nothing! Tell her to fuck off then block her

Frankly there's a temptation to mess with her head right back! I suspect that would be very easy to do.

NOBODY has all their shit together, nobody. Surely a couple hours on mn plus in my case 48 years of life experience teaches you that.

Strict routines in terms of what's KNOWN to be best for baby, for the most part went out in the 80's! There's one infamous "expert" who advocates routines but I really don't rate them and neither do most genuine baby development experts. I won't mention the name for obvious reasons.

her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy

Yea I call bullshit!

Not least because if a nursery worker were overheard saying something so obviously prejudiced and unprofessional they'd be in big trouble!

People who work with children don't say stuff like that in reality

Honestly, I haven’t fully told DH.

Why on Earth not?! TELL HIM tonight, the whole thing. You've done nothing wrong and you need his support with someone from his side of the family being a dick to you.

Hey op,

You sound like an amazing mommy! I'm a first time mom, my little one was born in April. I was lucky enough to do an antenatal class and befriended all the mommies. There are 11 babies in total born over 1.5 months and one thing that is for certain, not one baby is the same ! You have got to do what feels right for you and your family. Just tell her it's great that it works for her but you are doing things your own way, but also be open to advise if and only if you feel you need it. There have been things I've really struggled with and it's not until other new mommies have said this works for my little one that I've solved the problem. If you don't want her advise just politely acknowledge her suggestions but tell her that won't work for you and then change the conversation xx