Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

A friend I made when I had my first daughter, had a son 2 weeks later. She treated him more like you do your son and my daughter I treated more like your SIL with her daughter. We never commented on each other’s parenting styles but I did think how my daughter was becoming more socialised as a result of going into nursery at 9 months and worried that her son might be held back. Roll forward 11 yrs and he is so outgoing and confident and throws himself into everything - my daughter is anxious about new situations and meeting new people. I thought she would be the opposite as a result of her beginnings and I didn’t have much choice in that, but I think now that my friend’s treatment of her son gave him the security and confidence that has enabled him to go out there and get the most from life, not hold him back as I imagined it would. I suspect a lot of this is down to individual characters but please do not worry that what you are doing might hold your son back, I suspect it is in fact building a solid foundation of confidence in him. You sound like an amazing mum and I suspect your SIL’s comments are based on her own lack of confidence in her parenting that leads to her criticise the opposing method to try to reinforce her view that what she is doing is better.
We all parent differently and sometimes it’s because it’s the only option we have. But it sounds as though you have a great method that suits your family and you should be so proud of how well you’re doing. xx

Just block her. You aren't beholden to her you know. And tell DH what she is like!

@Monicuddle

The best advice here is not to reply, or at least not immediately. It’s like training a dog. If she says something nice, respond quickly. As soon as she says anything bitchy, you wait five hours to reply and make the reply very short and polite. Turn off “read notifications” if that helps you. It helped me. You don’t owe her - or anyone - an immediate response. Sounds like you’re too busy enjoying your time with your son to reply quite so often. You’re doing nothing wrong other than letting this woman take up space in your head.

Ooh this is good! And when you do leave it a while before you reply just say, 'sorry, I was engrossed playing with DS, our time together is soooo precious'

Look, different babies need different approaches. Let me tell you - my son (first born) was sleeping out at 3 months, slept through from 4 months, was fiercely independent from a young age. That worked for him.
My daughter (second born) is totally different. She’s 2 in may and still doesn’t sleep through. She likes to nap on me - my son never did, and I like it. She sometimes sleeps in our bed, my son would never settle anywhere other than his cot. She’s never slept out, simply because I’d never put our parents through her 3 hour long midnight parties.
Both my kids are loved, both are thriving in their own ways, but they’re different people! Your SIL is doing what works for her, and you’re doing what works for you. The difference is that she’s being a knob about it. You keep doing you, you know your baby and trust me, your anxiety isn’t causing your baby to be “behind” or anything else she’s making you feel.

Tell her to mind her own business. Or start criticising her and see how she likes it. I would stay away from her.

You just need to ignore the texts during the day, if she asks, say something like you're too busy deepening your bond with your baby. Wait til baby is in bed, read the text with your DH and answer with 'that sounds nice/good' or something equally bland.

I'd never heard of contact naps, gentle parenting etc etc
But my DS (11 now) was held ALL the time, napped lying on me, rocked or cuddled to sleep. As my PFB he was fed and dressed by me until he was 4ish.

He went into own room and left awake after a story by 2-3. Learned to feed himself and dress himself too. Went to a childminder at 11 months and never cried, went nursery and school with such confidence. As he grew older went to sporting competitions and strode in while I was trailing after him trying to find signs and maps and making sure he could find me. Always said yes to school trips and residentials. Very popular and funny. Will do hoovering and garden stuff for pocket money and cooks the family meal once per week (with a bit of supervision)
DD (nearly 4) on the other hand needs someone in her bedroom with her til she falls asleep. This too is a rod of my own making (she's adopted and we felt that our presence would comfort her in a strange new house and bed, even thought she slept fine for foster carers)
I know this will also pass, she's very outgoing and confident otherwise.

Do your thing and ignore all others, you have a lot of school year parents to deal with in the future, do your training with your SIL.

I've probably posted this too late given the number of posts already so you may not even read this but I hope you do. When I was pregnant with twins and not a natural Mum by nature, and slightly a control freak, I would tell my husband what sort of Mum I was going to be, or criticise other Mums and my OH who is far less judgemental than I am - used to tell me - that the best Mum - is a HAPPY Mum! And it's taken me years as an actual Mum to learn that...... but it's true! If you're a happy Mum, enjoying your baby and your family life and if works for you - then that's the best Mum you're going to be and yes it's hard to crowd out all the noise and not judge yourself by others but innthe long run it's the only thing you can do. Rearing a happy, well balanced kid nowadays can only be accomplished if the Mum herself feels happy. A miserable Mum is no good to anyone. So continue as you are - what works for you works for you and what works for her works for her - your little baby is not the the same person as her little baby and individually they will have have different needs ..... we are all individuals with different tastes, choices and experiences and that is what makes the world...... good and bad! Enjoy these moments - don't let your sister in law upset you - you both have a long road ahead and soon she will bang on about nursery activities - schools - ways of bringing up your child - you will have to learn to keep your distance and mental crowd out her noise! I'm not the best Mum ever, but I'm doing the best job I can given my circumstances and my nature and I am certainly not the mum I thought I'd be when pregnant.... at the end of the day that's all any of us can say......

Enjoy all the lovely contact naps and playtimes you can. Before you know it in a blink of an eye your babies are all grown up and those precious moments are just distant memories.
Funny creatures are sisterinlaws.

Oh man she sounds so rude OP! I have a 10 month old and I would feel very touchy if someone made those comments to me. Being a new mum is hard, she should be supporting you, not putting you down to make herself feel better.

Asking you if you are worried that your son likes playing with you! No... Are you worried that your daughter doesn't want to play with you??

I agree with PPs, ignore her catty texts. Just don't reply or reply with something totally boring or off topic, she's looking for a reaction and is trying to offset her own mum guilt by putting you down.

Hugs to you, boo to her!

My SIL was like this when we had our first babies a few years ago, and it massively contributed towards my depression. I felt so inadequate. I kind of resent her now as a result - she did lasting damage.

With hindsight I can now see that she was probably feeling insecure and tried to make me feel shit to make herself feel better.

Things are completely the other way round now - but I never gloat or tell her how to do a better job. Funny that.

Ignore her, you sound lovely. Just smile and shrug and say you like how you're doing things. They're only tiny once.

The only wrong choices are ones that are wrong for you, as long as you are happy with what you're doing it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks or does and you should only try and change things if they arent working for you. Nurseries have a very high ratio of staff to young kids I really dont think they expect 1 year olds to sit and play independently all day!

I'd have told her to mind her fucking beeswax by now tbh

So I had my babies sleeping 7-7 from about 4 months but that’s very likely because I stopped breast feeding and gave them formula. Literally within a week they slept through. I know it’s not the same for all but looking back now at all my friends who continued breast feeding it took a lot longer to go through night . But they were happy with their choices and we ALL respected the different ways of doing things for our families. I am now a boss in a work situation with lots of Mum’s who do an incredible job and are still breast feeding babies at 2 years older plus and in the night. In my mind I know that wasn’t for me but who am I to say what’s right for anyone else. In fact looking back I sometimes wish I did chill out more and have my babies in my bed as they are only small for such a short time. I loved the cuddles!! I think now in hindsight although I was good with routine and they do sleep well - I think I sensed I needed that with my kids as they were naturally chaotic and needed some structure. But other friends had differently wired kids and a different relaxed approach was ok. In short- use your instincts! We are told a lot of stuff in books etc and some of it is good but just apply what works for you you. As for SIL- jeez - tell her to take a running jump. Just focus on your own family and building up your own confidence. Every way of parenting is different there is no right or wrong. I was anxious too at the start. And now in teenage years I still struggle at times. It’s not easy being a parent when your dial is wired differently. But I read ( in Sapiens!!) that the children of slightly more anxious parents are more likely to survive than those with ultra confident ones. Ha! Don’t read too much into that. Just do what you do and enjoy your family. Ignore the SIL - she sounds like noise!!

I'd just think of a phrase and repeat it whenever she says anything. Something like "Oh they're all different aren't they". I parented in a very similar way to you. Mine slept in my room, were in a baby sling, were breastfed on demand. When one was in hospital with pneumonia, another Mum told me he was just using the breast "for comfort". As he was 10 months and very poorly I just bit my tongue and nodded. Each was late doing somethings and early doing others. Each got there in the end. They're all in their 20s and 30s and lovely, sociable, successful people who forged the lives they want. I loved having them with me as much as I could, and I'd do it exactly the same if I had my time over again. You sound to be doing everything right. Don't let that little voice of doubt in your mind join in with her. Sending lots of encouraging smiles and positive thoughts your way!

Is it possible to just see less of her. My sister in law is just awful, she's always all over my husband whenever there's a gathering and she's so full of herself I can't stand it. We haven't seen them for over a year now and it's lovely. You are a wonderful mum, I always loved having my babies sleep on me and when it came to needing them to sleep separately, it happened. Your kids won't be clingy, they will know how much you love them. Her kids on the other hand!!!

OP,

Stick with what works for you & DS...one wake up at night for a feed is fine. I might want my room back by 2 yeats old but if ye are happy with it, then that is all the explanation anyone needs. And I agree, the little cuddles are bliss. Ignore her if you can when it comes to her parenting advice or tell her you don't want it, thank you. There is nothing wrong with her texting to be sociable but if she is always ramming her advice down your throat, just don't reply here & there. Personally, I'd ask her to stop.

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way at the moment and hope in the responses you find something that helps you with your situation.

It sounds like you and your sister in law have a level of closeness if you are messaging most days and it therefore makes me question if she’s aware of how she’s coming across? What might her intentions be in giving this advice?

I’m not asking to invalidate how it’s making you feel (I know how annoying it is when people’s response to a situation like this is “she’s only trying to help”) but I like to think it’s rare that people are intentionally hurtful

Personally I can think of two instances where I’ve been on each side of this story.

Firstly my SIL was similar in giving lots of unsolicited advice, that as a first time mum I found invalidated what I was already doing. We also have different approaches (she’s quite into routines and structure, I’m more responsive). One way I found to cope with this is to refocus the conversation on all the lovely things my daughter was doing, asking her about her little one and focus on building the bond rather than on her “advice”.

If pushed I found having a phrase I could repeat helped so would often say “well every baby and every parents different”. This helped with the mother in law too who seemed to believe her daughters way was the only way!

On the other side, I have a friend who has been struggling with her little ones sleep and napping, as well as him being more grizzly when awake. My little one has always been a good sleeper and I’ve noticed it is a natural response to want to try and “help” and offer advice. Luckily I’ve been able to recognise that whilst sometimes this is asked for and okay but that at times it may actually make her feel worse. However to not do this has taken a conscious effort on my part.

I guess what I’m saying (even though I don’t want to) is that she is likely trying to help and (I would hope) this is coming from a good place but isn’t realising that this is actually having a negative impact on you.

I don’t know of any of this is helpful but just wanted to show I understand and hope it improves soon x

Your sil is nuts. Tell her if you want her opinion you'll ask for it.

You sound very nurturing and that's a good thing. She sounds like a know-it-all.

Just say thanks for the thought but children and parents are different and this works for us.

If you really want to fight fire with fire tell her her child might seem happy now but the lack of attachment at an early age will likely lead to an emotionally stunted teenager / adult...

Oh and probably reduce contact as she sounds like an irritating pest

Ok well firstly, let's just clarify that you're doing NOTHING wrong. You're not being a neglectful mother or depriving your child of anything, in fact, quite the opposite! You are reacting to your baby's needs. Everyone has their own style of parenting and if it works for you, for the love of god don't change anything! You don't ever want to look back and regret any of the decisions you made, just because some idiot told you "that's the right way"

HOWEVER. I will caveat that by saying I'm not sure SIL is insecure as other PP have suggested. I think she's a pompous knowitall who enjoys letting you know how fantastically she thinks she's raising her daughter, and wants to make sure you know it, and preferably; to make you jealous.

I actually raised my son in a similar way to her it seems. We had a routine early on, a feeding schedule (breastfed) nap schedule etc, baby only napped in his cot from a few months old and slept 7-7 from very young. Moved into his own room at a few months old. But we did this is because I NEED SLEEP. I couldn't have been a happy mother without it and I was teetering on the edge of PND without it, so I knew something had to change. I honestly couldn't have had him contact napping on me for a year, I did 10w of it and it damn near broke me.

The point of this ramble is to let you know that she may be a pompous twat, but that doesn't mean you need to change what you're doing. Don't make her feel bad as others have suggested as you never know why she decided to parent the way she has, there may be a lot more going on behind the scenes. Please don't ever change the way you care for your child base on other peoples opinions. The only opinion that matters is yours.

Equally if you do think there's some things she does that you'd like advice or guidance on, take her up ok it. She's looking for RECOGNITION and someone to tell her how bloody wonderful she is (snore) so if you give it to her maybe that'll shut her up.

@Gwegowygwiggs

Ok well firstly, let's just clarify that you're doing NOTHING wrong. You're not being a neglectful mother or depriving your child of anything, in fact, quite the opposite! You are reacting to your baby's needs. Everyone has their own style of parenting and if it works for you, for the love of god don't change anything! You don't ever want to look back and regret any of the decisions you made, just because some idiot told you "that's the right way"

HOWEVER. I will caveat that by saying I'm not sure SIL is insecure as other PP have suggested. I think she's a pompous knowitall who enjoys letting you know how fantastically she thinks she's raising her daughter, and wants to make sure you know it, and preferably; to make you jealous.

I actually raised my son in a similar way to her it seems. We had a routine early on, a feeding schedule (breastfed) nap schedule etc, baby only napped in his cot from a few months old and slept 7-7 from very young. Moved into his own room at a few months old. But we did this is because I NEED SLEEP. I couldn't have been a happy mother without it and I was teetering on the edge of PND without it, so I knew something had to change. I honestly couldn't have had him contact napping on me for a year, I did 10w of it and it damn near broke me.

The point of this ramble is to let you know that she may be a pompous twat, but that doesn't mean you need to change what you're doing. Don't make her feel bad as others have suggested as you never know why she decided to parent the way she has, there may be a lot more going on behind the scenes. Please don't ever change the way you care for your child base on other peoples opinions. The only opinion that matters is yours.

Equally if you do think there's some things she does that you'd like advice or guidance on, take her up ok it. She's looking for RECOGNITION and someone to tell her how bloody wonderful she is (snore) so if you give it to her maybe that'll shut her up.

I relate to this. I had the opposite senario to the OP. My mental health was tanking so I decided to sleep train the baby at 12 months and I had my sister telling me that it's so cruel to sleep train a baby and so i ended up racked with guilt. It's really unfair of family to try and put down your parenting style. I just wont discuss it with her. When she has bought up sleep issues shes having with her daughter I just say nothing and change the subject. All kids and families are different and thats ok.

Sounds like she is insecure and projecting this onto you.

People like your SIL get worse when they become mothers....i have one of my own my sister. These people will tear you down at any chance to boost themselves up believe me if you both hadnt had children it would have been something else its like they think everything they do is right and we all must follow suit.
At the end of the day its your child and as long as you arent bringing them up to be a serial killer its your choice how you do it. As parents we all live and learn and adapt to the child.....some are just a bit slower than others 🤣

I think you are doing a great job OP. Every baby is different as is every mum. I think you need to put you and your mental health first and block SIL on your phone. These competitive mums never stop and can ruin your peace of mind. After lockdown you’ll be able to meet other mums you can gel with.
My DD was a baby who slept through the night at 3 months, never cried and didn’t need cuddles. I even went on holiday with my husband leaving her with my mum. I can’t believe I did that now looking back. I thought I was the perfect mum and couldn’t understand why everyone else held their babies all the time. Then my DS was the opposite, needed to be held all the time, cried a lot, didn’t sleep through the night for what seemed like years! I then realised it’s the baby and not the mum who decides the style of parenting.
They are both adults now and fine. However looking back I realise I had PND with DD and we were disengaged from each other. She had an insecure attachment with me which caused problems growing up and when she was a teenager. We just didn’t have the usual mother and baby bonding. My son had a very secure attachment and we were close right from the beginning, but it has taken work over the years for my daughter to feel secure.
I would say your style of parenting is the norm and hers may be right for her baby but she is in the minority. You need to distance from her for the time being.

There are many different ways to parent. You know your child best and you love him. You are doing your best. The rest is noise. One thing I personally found helpful tho discovered when my children were older was a child development textbook from an open university psychology course. Rather than a parenting book promoting a particular approach, it was an overview of research on how babies and children develop. Much of what you describe as your approach accords well with the needs of the child to develop a strong and healthy attachment that were described in that book. If you reduce your engagement with negative messaging, and seek alternatives it may reduce anxiety. Good luck with enjoying every moment with your son.