Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 07/03/2021 09:06

Nope, I have paid for my kids private educations and numerous extras. I have financed them through uni, assisted them into good careers via internships, unpaid work etc. If they can’t be fucked from this point in, that’s on them. Expecting to ride on our coattails after this whether it be our super/retirement for NDA/lotto wins would be a complete joke.

MrsBobDylan · 07/03/2021 09:08

I agree that I would love to give my kids a lump sum if I ever got a windfall.

However, I think your perception of your situation is off-kilter.

You described being a single parent in a low paid job when in fact you earn just under £50k (optimum for tax bracket) and have a property portfolio.

Fr0thandBubble · 07/03/2021 09:31

@Familyshopper

So where does it end they aren’t allowed to enjoy the money because it’s for you, you aren’t allowed to enjoy it because it’s for your kids then kids don’t enjoy it because it’s for there kids 🙈🙈 jheezeee no wonder the country is in the state it is with everyone hoarding all this money
Well they get to benefit from that money during their lifetime - investing it and using the profit earned, or living in a lovely house (then down-sizing). But retiring early and just frippering it away on luxuries doesn’t sit at all well with me. Given most people have more than one child, the children are already going to get way less than the parents as it needs to be split multiple ways - the very least the parents could do is to ensure they have the same amount they inherited (in real terms) to pass on to be shared between their children.
Cassandrainthenight · 07/03/2021 09:36

I'm only half way through the thread, but why do people go on and on and on about what a life changing amount 20k was 25 years ago, but don't go on and on how especially much more life changing 2 million was 25 years ago 🧐

OP I can understand feeling a bit sad that they didn't feel the need to include you or the grandchildren more in the treats while they enjoy them themselves and they didn't invest anything for the future generations, though like most posters I think they assumed their house would be enough.

It is bizzare how so many posters got so jealous and hung up on helping with the house deposit and private education and can't see your sentiment about sharing the fun or being proactive about giving a bit of a helping hand to future generations...

SugarfreeBlitz · 07/03/2021 10:02

I've never been given a leg up in any sense. I feel that I am happier and more content than a relative who has been given help with a deposit and repairs to her property.

Happiness comes from within. It's not about what advantages you were given (or not). I could be deeply, deeply upset about being left out of the advantages given to my siblings (and I don't warn 50k, own property or have a property portfolio) but honestly, what is the point of crying over spilt milk?

It is what it is. I'm making the most of what I've got and using what I have. Your kids will love a happy Mum, that's why I suggested therapy to let go of what isnt. If you don't let go of it, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life- and that will rub off on your kids as will this resentment towards parents. Do you really want to model that kind of parent- child relationship to the kids who will be organising your care one day?

somthinginthewoodshed · 07/03/2021 10:05

I think you’ll find that the 7 year rule applies to care funding too Lyra - it certainly did in my case 3 years ago. Maybe different local authorities work differently then...

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 07/03/2021 10:17

At first I thought YWBU. Having read all your posts, morally I now think YANBU! I couldn’t have a windfall in the millions and not set up some sort of trust fund for grandchildren or share it with my nearest & dearest. I’d still have plenty to enjoy.

Biker47 · 07/03/2021 10:22

@Cassandrainthenight

I'm only half way through the thread, but why do people go on and on and on about what a life changing amount 20k was 25 years ago, but don't go on and on how especially much more life changing 2 million was 25 years ago 🧐

OP I can understand feeling a bit sad that they didn't feel the need to include you or the grandchildren more in the treats while they enjoy them themselves and they didn't invest anything for the future generations, though like most posters I think they assumed their house would be enough.

It is bizzare how so many posters got so jealous and hung up on helping with the house deposit and private education and can't see your sentiment about sharing the fun or being proactive about giving a bit of a helping hand to future generations...

£2 million was life changing, that's why the OP's parents have been and are continuing to use it to change how they live their lives, which outside of that, is no-ones business, even their childs business. OP reminds me why if I ever came into any money, I'd never tell family members how much it was, because it's always never enough for some, somehow; other people's money becomes communal when it goes above a certain level according to some.

I hope the parents either release a load of equity from their home and blow it on fancy holidays till the end of their days, or if unluckily they need to go into care, go into the swankiest care home imaginable.

HeckyPeck · 07/03/2021 10:26

I'm gobsmacked by your entitlement . You received a private education. House deposit and will get a share of their house and it's not generous enough for you. Grabby doesn't even cover

Honestly, everyone on here saying things like that.. if you won £2million on the lottery you'd give your children £20k and spend the rest on yourself? Really?

I think your parents have been incredibly selfish OP. It's their choice what to do with their winnings, but it was a selfish choice.

If I won £2million I'd give considerably more than £20k to my step daughter, parents, siblings and closest friends.

JustLyra · 07/03/2021 10:35

@somthinginthewoodshed

I think you’ll find that the 7 year rule applies to care funding too Lyra - it certainly did in my case 3 years ago. Maybe different local authorities work differently then...
It really doesn’t. You were lucky if you got away with it in a situation where it could have been deemed as deliberate deprivation to avoid fees. Local authorities are getting much more adept at challenging legally as it’s becoming a more and more common thing to do (and because people are often not smart enough in how/when they do it).
theleafandnotthetree · 07/03/2021 10:51

@BunsyGirl

Could be worse OP. My selfish idiot of a father has spent every penny that my mum saved for their retirement and now DH and I are funding him.
More fools you. Whatever about you, Id be damned if I saw my money going to a feckless father-in-law
SugarfreeBlitz · 07/03/2021 11:09

I think YANBU as well. But I think learning to accept what is is essential for your future peace and happiness.

None of us are guaranteed anything. Finding inner peace and enjoying what we have means that anything we do get in future is a bonus, not a given. It also means that if we do not get anything in future, we will at least have lived a life we loved and made the most of and been happy parents who have brought up content children who hopefully will not resent us in the future.

shockedandsadd · 07/03/2021 11:14

I feel like, you have lost perspective here, you alluded at the start that you were a struggling single mum, then you state you earn 50k a year. 50k may not be city banker levels, but it is a bloody good wage! You have dismissed your private school education as not very good, and clearly the 20k for your deposit does not appear to be enough. You know the value of your parents current home and apparently exactly how much of there windfall they have spent. You then drop in that you have invested in a property portfolio (maybe you were in a position to do this because your parents helped you into the property ladder , all those years ago!) I really think you need to rethink your thought processes and realise you have had a huge amount of privileges. Do your parents realise this is how you think, because if so maybe that's why they don't feel you should prosper anymore from there good fortune! Plus they are not dead! You surely don't know what is in there will!

SpnBaby1967 · 07/03/2021 11:20

Blimey, a house deposit is a massive benefit your parents gave you. I imagine it got you on the housing ladder which is a huge deal.

I wont get any inheritance as my parents are very low paid. Dh parents are literal millionaires but told us we wont be getting any off them as they have in their wills to leave it all to a dog charity.

HeckyPeck · 07/03/2021 11:21

Dh parents are literal millionaires but told us we wont be getting any off them as they have in their wills to leave it all to a dog charity.

What a pair of selfish arseholes. Assuming you aren't millionaires already.

TotorosFurryBehind · 07/03/2021 11:40

I understand how you feel OP. I think it is normal for good parents to want to help their children financially, whilst alive, never mind an inheritance.

Mirinska · 07/03/2021 12:19

It’s fine to wish and 50k would be nice but thats different from believing it’s legitimate to expect. If you are working as hard as your parents worked and sacrificing your life to raise your child and save for their house deposit then you will have done as much as your parents have for you, which is a lot and more than most children can hope to get. You also were given advantages in education and upbringing to enable you to do that. However as a single parent that is more challenging financially. You can only do your best for your child and your parents in their old age with the resources you have. I suspect there’s more likelihood (if any) of further financial help from your parents if they can see your doing what they did but without the financial benefit of two incomes.

SpnBaby1967 · 07/03/2021 12:53

@HeckyPeck

Dh parents are literal millionaires but told us we wont be getting any off them as they have in their wills to leave it all to a dog charity.

What a pair of selfish arseholes. Assuming you aren't millionaires already.

Very very far from millionaires. We both work full time jobs and have a decent life but definitely not buying gold bars as a hobby like FIL does.

But, I dont think they're selfish. It's their money they earned most of it (some they inherited from a relative who was equally wealthy) and they spend it however they want. If they want it all to go to charity surely that's their decision. I'm not saying I wouldn't love a hand out, but it's not my money to insist on.

Flatoutonsofa · 07/03/2021 13:30

If you were given a £20k deposit for a flat which was a sixth of the total cost, I'm wondering where the rest of the money came from. A student wouldn't get a £100k mortgage. I question whether you're being entirely truthful. A lot of your figures just don't add up.

HairyPottyMouth · 07/03/2021 13:31

My parents still live frugally, on much less than £20k a year, so they can leave us something decent. My siblings and I would much rather they enjoyed what they have worked incredibly hard for. YABU. The money they already gave you is more than most people get given, and you still want more?

Saddlesore · 07/03/2021 13:46

I really cannot flame OP the way some on this forum are doing. I would be annoyed at her parents' attitude too. Do they watch the news, or read the papers? The world that their grandchildren are growing up in is very very different to the one that they enjoyed in their youth. OP's children (and all of that generation) will face tuition fees (if they go to uni) as well as student loans, their pensions will be negligible and the first rung on the housing ladder almost unattainable. What grandparent, who is in position to help, would turn a blind eye to that?
I really cannot comprehend how each generation wouldn't want the best for their subsequent generations.

WondrousAcorn · 07/03/2021 15:15

There is one thing wealthy parents who give deposit and education help as a way of setting their kids up overlook, and that is retirement. It’s the one thing that I don’t think you can be helped with by a lump sum at a young age, and I feel it’s missed by everyone suggesting on here that the op has it made after being helped to buy a flat.

It is extremely difficult to build up meaningful retirement funds in DC pensions and it jumps out to me here as the big discrepancy between the parents’ lifestyle and the op’s. It’s not luxury holidays I’d be jealous of in ops place, but I do think it sounds like opportunities to help her and / or GCs with savings/pension have been missed.

Not saying she’s entitled to their money, but posters making out that you can achieve whatever you want with a well-paid job are not taking into account how terrible the pensions and retirement landscape is for generations who have only had access to dc schemes (and not even always that - my previous employer contributed a princely 3% after 3 years’ service before contributions became mandatory!).

By the way, I don’t think this is right. My own parents keep saying not to worry as they’ll leave money (as if that can be relied on), but it would surely better to tax inheritance more and incentivise savings and pensions more.

ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco · 07/03/2021 15:20

I think you have a point certainly. On MN though you’ll get slated. No one on here is allowed to hope for an inheritance

MirandaMarple · 07/03/2021 15:21

That's how they chose to spend their money.

AngelDelightUk · 07/03/2021 15:32

Total entitlement!

Most people can only dream of earning £50k a year. Then you say how much you are “asset rich” so sell some if you’re struggling that much.

If they leave the house purely to you then you’ll get £1million then which you can use to set your children up. Or, gift them each one of the houses in your portfolio

Goodness, most people would be happy to be in a situation with half the help you’ve had/are having