Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

[Fromthebirdsnest]

You had a private education and 20k deposit to help you buy your house ... Oh you poor thing op 🙄..

[theleafandnotthetree]

@Lalalablahblahblah

Theleafnadnotthetree I pretty much agree with everything you've written there. It's not about the money as such I don't think. I'd feel exactly the same as the OP in that position. Anyone would I think. The people calling the OP out are just jealous. And as I said before I speak as someone who inherited basically nothing except a few small possessions from my DM but that's absolutely fine by me as she never had much herself. I can't imagine having a huge windfall and not wanting to share with my kids.

Nor can I, unless there was something in their character that made me wary of giving them the means to possibly make their life worse, if for example they were prone towards recklessness or addiction. But even then I would find a way of supporting them indirectly or even giving towards something very important to them. The idea of pissing it away on very self indulgent things purely for my own benefit just wouldn't sit right with me.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@angelfacecuti75

I wish my parents had 20k spare to give me for a house. You've been set up for life there. You are very lucky to have had that amount, which did change your life in a way and set you up . Many people struggle, you sound like you were VERY fortunate.

Of course she is but money is rarely about the actual amount, more what it says about the relatiinship and about much we matter. I've known whole families fall out over a few thousand. The reality is that the OPs parents were exceptionally and life alteringly fortunate and chose to share only a tiny proportion of that with their own children and grandchildren. And have led a very self-indulgent life alongside it, perhaps it would hurt less of they had spent it on something more meaningful. I think whatever people write here, most people would be very hurt if their parents had good fortune of the kind most ordinary people only dream of and didnt share a portion of it with them, as an act of generosity and love not because they are obliged to.

[CookieDoughKid]

Decent care home fees is thousands every week. Your parents will need every penny they can get via their house. I think you need to look at your own life and upskill yourself and get a better job. If you want more money, go out and earn it. There is no better, more satisfying way than doing it yourself.

[HomeTheatreSystem]

OP I do understand why you feel the way you do: if I came by such a huge amount I would set aside a 6 figure amount for each of my children. I could not imagine spending all that money on just having fun without providing for my future care needs and theirs. However....

I know you've had to be a bit imprecise regarding details but assuming your parents came into this win sometime in the '80s, the feeling regarding inheritance at that time was in the process of changing from "saving it all to leave to the kids" (and in the process sometimes living needlessly in penury) to then SKI ( Spending the Kids' Inheritance). I suspect your parents, whose early years would have been impacted by WW2 and its aftermath, bought into this wholeheartedly and have done their level best to enjoy their good fortune. They probably feel that they gave you an excellent start in life with a good education and a leg up on the property ladder and that the rest was up to you. They may have worried that a large hand out may have "spoiled" you or diminished your drive to forge a good career.

You haven't mentioned their feelings about your abusive ex but perhaps they harbour concerns about your choice of partner and that if you had a lot of money it might make you more vulnerable to another exploitative partnership? Do you know if they had any opinions on your opting to go for a less well paid (relatively speaking) but more enjoyable career? Did they feel you should have plodded on and earned as much as you could? Perhaps they felt that they had to endure a significant grind running a business and providing you with all that you had and that had they gone for a personally rewarding but less well remunerated option then they could not have afforded the lifestyle and advantages you enjoyed as a youngster. I'm just throwing some alternate perspectives out there as to why they have decided not to give you anything more beyond the £20k pre windfall deposit.

I would try really very hard for the sake of your sanity and wellbeing not to dwell on the money anymore: there is none left to give you anyway and I would most definitely not count on much being left after care costs are met as it sounds, fortunately for them, like they are in good shape and have many years ahead of them still. Try and be happy that they have been able to have a very comfortable lead up to old age. Whilst they are still compos mentis, now might be a good time to discuss their future care needs: although they have a significant asset to fund their care, it may not be enough to fund the lifestyle they envision having in their later years. Do they envision downsizing to somewhere smaller but adapting it to accommodate their physical needs, employing a cleaner, 24 hr carers, gardener etc? It all adds up and they may have not given it much thought.

[countrygirl99]

If they had the inheritance/lottery win in their 40s the chances are they had parents in or approaching their 70s. Quite possibly they were thinking of helping with care costs etc as well as helping their daughter.

[angelfacecuti75]

Ps didn't read the 2 million bit omg.

[angelfacecuti75]

I wish my parents had 20k spare to give me for a house. You've been set up for life there. You are very lucky to have had that amount, which did change your life in a way and set you up . Many people struggle, you sound like you were VERY fortunate.

[ohhhhitsme]

[quote Cocomarine]@ohhhhitsme sadhu OP said it’s only worth £1m+ so it’s not really worth considering.[/quote]
🤭

[SugarfreeBlitz]

What they "should" have done is immaterial because the money is gone.

Meaning that the only option now is to accept it and move on.

[Lincslady53]

@gerbilfur

I'm on your side on this. If I'd inherited millions, I would have put at least 250k away for my ds. Why wouldn't you?

Some people are just like this. My in laws recently downsized and freed up around 100k. We haven't seen a penny, however my mum inherited 80k from my dnan and gave us 10k. It all depends on the person.

Depends how old they are. If they have to go into care they will have to fund the costs. The council will look at their finances and if they have been deliberately depleting their assets to avoid care costs or inheritance tax, it will have to be paid back.

[FrangipaniBlue]

I can kind of see where the OP is coming from.....

If I had a substantial lottery win of c£2m (which it sounds like the OPs parents had, or something similar?) then I would absolutely 100% put some of that aside for DS. I'd still have a good life and enjoy my winnings but I would want DS to enjoy a share of those winnings as well.

If he happened to be an adult at the time then I wouldn't just give it to him to fritter away but I'd probably do something like buy him a house.

I'd want him to enjoy the benefit of it while he was young enough to, not have to wait until I died to get it, by which case he could potentially be in his 70s!

[gerbilfur]

I'm on your side on this. If I'd inherited millions, I would have put at least 250k away for my ds. Why wouldn't you?

Some people are just like this. My in laws recently downsized and freed up around 100k. We haven't seen a penny, however my mum inherited 80k from my dnan and gave us 10k. It all depends on the person.

[RoseGoldEagle]

RoseGoldEagle You’ve got all the timings wrong.

Oh, fair enough, sorry! I just read late forties and retired immediately, and skim read the rest of the OPs comments, should have RTFT!

[NeedToGetOuttaHere]

RoseGoldEagle You’ve got all the timings wrong.

[RoseGoldEagle]

If they had 2 million and bought a million pound house (presuming they bought it outright?) and then put you through private school that leaves 850,000 ish?? (Presuming you don’t have siblings they also paid for?) if they retired in their 40s and are now in their 80s, that would be about £20,000 a year if that’s what they were living off (an amazing thing no question without having to work, but not loads). Am assuming given you talk about holidays etc that they were spending more than that, and maybe they didn’t stop earning completely at 40? Am just thinking to retire early, 2 million would go reasonably easily if you bought an expensive house and then relied on no other income. I mean, not that I can even dream of that kind of money and maybe I’m missing something there with my basic maths! But I can see how 2 million in your 40s if you stoped earning at that point might not actually be the fortune it seems at first glance.

[Mittens030869]

@JustLyra

Which username? I can’t find a post that looks like it comes from her.

[SugarfreeBlitz]

It must be so hard being a poor little rich girl. Rich in all the things money can buy, yet so unhappy.

Many, many WC and poorer people are way more content than this. It's only money.

[JustLyra]

@Mittens030869

The OP is definitely not coming back. She hasn’t posted anything since Friday.

She posted yesterday under a different name.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

@Mittens030869

The OP is definitely not coming back. She hasn’t posted anything since Friday.

Perhaps she's working over the weekend, unlike many people on here who sound like the type of people who inherit or have been given sums by their parents but like to keep it quiet, and pretend they got there under their own ability. Plenty of them around.

[Potterythrowdown]

So a £50k income plus (I'm presuming here) rental income from your "property portfolio" makes you "low income"? Are you actually devoid of empathy? Never read the news? Bet you think Marcus Rashford should stop bothering Boris don't you?

Sell one of your properties if you need the cash. Stop being entitled.

[JustLyra]

@CrankyFrankie

Have they definitely not kept any aside for you/the kids? I had a (somewhat eccentric) family member scrimp and scrape through life and pretend he wasn’t leaving anything to anyone.. only to ‘surprise’ us posthumously by leaving a small fortune.

Only the million quid house they live in...

[SandSeaBeach]

Haven’t rttt. But you lost me when you mentioned the ‘small’ deposit of 20k 20 years ago