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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 06/03/2021 22:31

@Newkitchen123

I agree, she probably won’t. Like a lot of OPs, she’s asked if she was unreasonable but doesn’t want to be told that yes she is.

Sellingsunsetisaddictivecrap · 06/03/2021 22:54

Have been really busy with work. Just caught up with the replies. Thanks.
Am an only Child to those asking.
Probably won’t be checking in that often now tbh as we are going round in circles.

Sellingsunsetisaddictivecrap · 06/03/2021 22:56

Oh also forgot, have name changed again lol.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/03/2021 22:59

@Sellingsunsetisaddictivecrap

Have been really busy with work. Just caught up with the replies. Thanks. Am an only Child to those asking. Probably won’t be checking in that often now tbh as we are going round in circles.
What that poorly paying job you're trying convince us all that you have? Ok then.

Hope your folks live a long, happy and fulfilling life.

Familyshopper · 06/03/2021 23:01

So where does it end they aren’t allowed to enjoy the money because it’s for you, you aren’t allowed to enjoy it because it’s for your kids then kids don’t enjoy it because it’s for there kids 🙈🙈 jheezeee no wonder the country is in the state it is with everyone hoarding all this money

mummywantstobeslim · 06/03/2021 23:10

Reading this thread has made me realise that I am actually glad that I am poor and there will be no big inheritance for my children to argue over and possibly wish me gone sooner than my time so they can get their paws on it.

bluetongue · 06/03/2021 23:44

I’ve had some different thoughts on this issue since finding out more on my grandfather’s will. I’ll be getting some money (definitely not life changing) and I’m grateful for that.

The issue is that apparently a couple of uncles have apparently said things along the lines of ‘I don’t need all that money, what am I going to spend it on’ (use you imagination!). If they are really just going to whack it in the bank until they die what’s to stop them giving it to younger family members now? It might sound a bit grabby but if I was in that position I’d happily give it someone who could actually use it or at least enjoy it.

foxhat · 07/03/2021 00:24

When I compare myself to those around me (home counties) I am certain I am on a low income in comparison.

OP 'low income' is a comparison to a national average not a bunch of loaded mates - surely you can see that? There are always people wealthier but does that mean someone earning 150K a year is on a low income because you could compare them to the Beckhams? Surely you can see how disingenuous and offensive this is?

foxhat · 07/03/2021 00:25

Also if you're 'cash poor' then you could choose to realise some of your assets? Or are you suggesting that your parents should pay for you to go to the maldives rather than going themselves?

SugarfreeBlitz · 07/03/2021 00:33

@Sellingsunsetisaddictivecrap

Have been really busy with work. Just caught up with the replies. Thanks. Am an only Child to those asking. Probably won’t be checking in that often now tbh as we are going round in circles.
Probably won't be checking in that much because we aren't saying what you hoped to hear, perhaps?

TBH if you have property paid for and earn 50k then you should be able to bank loads for your kids futures without needing anyone's help. Also I assume you have child maintenance on top of this? Hmm.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/03/2021 00:44

@Milkshake7489

If they had earned the money I would say YABU but since they inherited it, I think you are right to be disappointed.

It would have been nice if they had passed their good fortune onto you by being a little more careful with money.

I agree with this. We have a similar situation where my father inherited land from his Dad and has already worked his way through ( i.e. sold) most of it. Its fair enough to a point but it would have been nice if there was a proportion left to me and my siblings. I would feel very differently had he earned it rather than just used inheritance as a way to have a an easy life. I will say though that I feel very little obligation to help my parents financially as some of my friends do, there was more than enough there to make proper life long provision. That in itself is quite freeing so I guess you could say we benefited that way.
SugarfreeBlitz · 07/03/2021 00:51

I agree, it would have been nice, and it would have been ideal. But that's not what has happened.

It is what it is.
Acceptance probably best to move on from this and counselling may be necessary to help OP let go of what isnt. It's no use crying over spilt milk, as the old saying goes.

ilovemygirls · 07/03/2021 01:28

£20k 25 years ago? Small? I’d say that was life changing for most people. My parents have never given me anything. I am also a single parent, but I would never expect anything from anybody.
You had an amazing childhood, a great education, holidays abroad & it’s still not enough. How sad.
Perhaps you had too much too young or perhaps you are comparing your life with other private educated friends now? Either way, life is about more than money. Great memories mean the world to me & I’d just be happy my parents were still alive and healthy right now. YABU.

Getaldine1210 · 07/03/2021 07:12

I remember reading about a lady in her 30s, having to rent privately, as she could not manage a deposit. Her parents had retired in their 50s. House bought and paid. Huge pensions and investment income. They had four big, luxuru holidays every yesr.
The lady told her parents that she could afford a mortgage, if they would loan her the deposit. They chuckled and said they had to manage and so should she.
Really unreasonable. I think the OP's parents have been unreasonable. They really should have bought her a house outright.

turquoisewaters · 07/03/2021 07:51

wish me gone sooner than my time so they can get their paws on it

This would worry me too

turquoisewaters · 07/03/2021 08:01

I think your parents were very focused on providing for you when it really mattered, and you need to look at things differently

Interesting viewpoint

Mynextname · 07/03/2021 08:10

I agree about the idea behind your own parents not wanting to do for you what you would do for your own children. It sucks.

But, I think you are majorly underestimating the privilege and help you have had it life. I wouldn't say 20k was a small sum of money. You aren't stuck precariously private renting for the rest of your life. You have had a good education, you had holidays abroad - many children grow up never having a single holiday. They have helped you far more than you have given them credit for and they enjoyed some if their own money too.

Just be grateful you probably won't have to spend your whole life saving every penny to pay for their funerals whilst you have nothing and are left not being able to even afford your own funeral.

ReuT3 · 07/03/2021 08:21

I've seen my parents from struggling backgrounds fight over scraps of inheritance. Inheritance is overrated and makes you looks friends and loved ones. Splitting siblings and close cousins up. This could be why your parents did it this way. They probably don't want you upset with whoever they leave behind with you.

scentedgeranium · 07/03/2021 08:24

I had 10k nearly 30 years ago. It helped hugely. My parents are very well off. But I wasn't privately educated. I don't think it occurred to them - zero interest in my education!!
It was a big kick start and whilst (let's be honest here) we all wonder if or when we'll get an inheritance I have consciously made my own way because my parents are quite capricious and I'd hate to have banked on it and ended up sorely disappointed and compromised! It also means I can deal with them honestly without any subconscious sucking up!

somthinginthewoodshed · 07/03/2021 08:24

it sounds like your parents did give you a good start and a generous lump sum. I hope you finally inherit their house when they either pass or go into care. The best thing they can do for you now is to put their property in your name if they haven’t already, and hope they don’t need care for 7 years.

Rayn · 07/03/2021 08:42

My mum sold her house years ago and rented as she wanted the money to enjoy life. I did not begrudge her a penny if it. I am happy she had chance to enjoy her life. She gave me a deposit for a house 20 years ago and this was 3k. I was very grateful!

Porridgeoat · 07/03/2021 08:46

Looking at it from a different angle, your parents worked their socks off till their 40s to give you a good foundation to make your own wealth. So you had strong support in place during your youth. Bought a house with their help. Now just like them you will inherit when elders pass away.

JustLyra · 07/03/2021 08:46

@somthinginthewoodshed

it sounds like your parents did give you a good start and a generous lump sum. I hope you finally inherit their house when they either pass or go into care. The best thing they can do for you now is to put their property in your name if they haven’t already, and hope they don’t need care for 7 years.
7 years is to do with inheritance tax, nothing to do with care home fees. Local Authorities can still come after the value of the house if they think it's been deliberately put into someone else's name purely to dodge fees. Many are chasing much more aggressively now because so many people try that tactic.
thecatsthecats · 07/03/2021 08:54

To the people making the point about inheritances being to perpetuate wealth through the generations - you're missing the fact that this has already been done.

OP has a property portfolio, which means at least three including where she lives, and children, meaning at least two. One of these properties is in the home counties. The support her parents gave her perpetuated the same level of wealth they generated for themselves.

The lucky windfall on top of that enabled early retirement and a life of pleasure.

I will tell my children thst I don't want to burden them a life of wishing I was enjoying myself Grin I will set them up nicely to the age of 25, and not hoard money against the future so that they don't have to earn for themselves.

Casiloco · 07/03/2021 09:00

I understand where you are coming from OP - I would feel guilty if I simply spent any substantial sums that come my way without leaving at least a portion for my kids.

However, when it comes to Long Term Care funding, there are ways of financing care which would mean not saying goodbye to the whole value of the property. Get advice from a CF8 qualified IFA at that point. (You can't now arrange the finance in advance as used to be the case).

In the meantime, yes you were fortunate to have a step onto the property ladder and a private education, but I hate seeing people simply "spend, spend, spend" as they put their own futures in jeopardy as well as possibly leaving little for family.