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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Shame

966 replies

Lockdownschmockdown · 04/03/2021 22:43

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
TheLeapHome · 06/03/2021 19:31

I think their mindset was that they worked hard to give you are good start, to earn enough money to pay for private education, which even if you didn't value it, was something that people aspired to provide for their children. They probably felt like they made lots of sacrifices for their children during your childhood given that they seem to like luxuries and that you didn't feel your childhood was particularly luxurious.

Then they fell into money after you'd grown up and they felt like they miraculously no longer had to sacrifice their dreams for the benefit of their children, and could finally afford to enjoy life themselves.

I want the best for my children, but not enough to sacrifice the small luxuries we enjoy each year, in favour of giving our children a private education. I do think that would give them a better chance at a better life and in the long run worth hundreds of thousands of pounds, should they value being "well off". I hope we will be able to help towards a house deposit and I think I am a very loving parent who would do much for her children, but I could not sacrifice my life to the level your parents did for you.

I think your parents were very focused on providing for you when it really mattered, and you need to look at things differently.

Avondklok · 06/03/2021 19:44

If this was real, 2 million quid over 30 years is about 50k per year. And it sounds like there is an expensive house. So if they retired early and took some nice holidays instead of working, then that money is easily gone.

kazlau · 06/03/2021 19:55

Do you have siblings? Would you not inherit their house/sale value of house? I inherited money recently and haven’t worked since (long years caring for partner before he died - I’m not ready to go back yet ). My children have no concerns about me spending “their inheritance” as they all have families and homes of their own. I babysit grandchildren while they go out to work etc. What are you hoping for? They shared a generous sum with you at the time.

AnnieSnap · 06/03/2021 20:00

Yes YABU!

WoolieLiberal · 06/03/2021 20:02

Great news, OP!

I’ve read everything you have said, and have calculated the exact sum that you are entitled to feel that your parents owe you!

It’s £0.00

LolaSmiles · 06/03/2021 20:03

Mumsnet has a real problem with grievances sometimes. Honestly I don't think you're being unreasonable, but there are a lot of martyrs on here who despise anyone who has a normal average life rather than living in a shoe on't motorway
A normal average life?
Private education isnt average
Having 20k towards a property isn't average
50k a year salary isn't a average salary, let alone 'low' as the OPputs it Hmm
Having a property portfolio that you've invested in isn't average
Inheriting, in due course, a house worth a million pounds isn't average.

What mumsnet rightly has is lots of posters who find it hard to believe that anyone with such a privileged life is genuinely whining that their parents aren't continuing to subsidise their adult life because it's so hard for them on a low income of £50k a year with a portfolio of property that they've invested in.

If of course this is genuine. It's hard to believe anyone capable of a management role would be so blissfully unaware of the blindingly obvious privilege and wealth they have.

millymaid · 06/03/2021 20:19

Money is never just about the actual money, there are all kinds of feelings and expectations connected. It can be a stand in for love, care, respect etc. You say you'd never keep all your wealth for yourself, and maybe that says something about how you wish you'd been parented.

genius1308 · 06/03/2021 20:21

If this is a genuine AIBU (which I'm highly dubious about) then you are being very unfair! I tell my parents constantly I want them to spend their money. Go and enjoy themselves, spend it on holidays and be frivolous with it. I seriously don't want them to be saving to leave anything to me. No, I'm not rich at all but I'd hate the fact that they've worked very hard all their lives and would feel obliged to have savings for me when they died. I always remember when my grandad died, in the 80s and I was only 7. He lived in a tiny flat, on his own and his only pleasure was watching the snooker but he only had a black and white tv. When he died the family realised he saved money to pay for his funeral and give something to all his children (8 of them!). It wasn't a huge amount, defintely not by ops standards, £800 for each of them, but it upset my mum so much that he'd scrimped and saved basically for his death and his kids when he could have used that money to make his own life a bit easier. Stop being so selfish op and learn to provide for yourself, don't expect others to do it for you. You seem very entitled and ungrateful for what they have already provided for you!

worriedwithhindsight · 06/03/2021 20:33

I agree with you OP -although I know it won't be a popular view. I agree even more now you say they inherited several millions some 30+ years ago - an absolute fortune! Never mind a deposit, I'd have bought my only child a house outright if I was in that position.
I'm in the fortunate position of having received an inheritance from my parents, as has my husband. Nowhere near as big as your parents, but not to be sniffed at. That, along with savings, and the value of the house means that our daughter should hopefully inherit a good amount in the future, although nothing is guaranteed. We certainly intend to gift her a sizeable deposit, and now she has left university we put the maximum allowed per year for tax purposes aside for her in a savings account, which is what my father did for me. I realise this is a privileged position, but I've never understood parents who act like yours. Yes, enjoy your life, but they've lived above their very substantial means really.

StoneofDestiny · 06/03/2021 20:56

They have had a good life on the strength of their earnings, they have set you up in life and left you no debt. You should be grateful for that.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/03/2021 20:59

@worriedwithhindsight how have her parents had lived above their means?

Holly60 · 06/03/2021 21:08

I completely understand where you are coming from OP, and I often play the game ‘when we win the lottery’ with my dh. The first thing we say is, ‘split the money three ways’ regardless of the amount we are pretending to have won, because the first thing we would want to do with any money is share it with our two adult DC and their families. I can’t imagine inheriting several million pounds and not sharing it with my children.

winetime89 · 06/03/2021 21:09

I totally get what your saying, if I inherited millions I couldn't just spend it all and only give a small portion to my children. I would rather they have the most, all we want is the best for our children so I completely understand where your coming from.

LolaSmiles · 06/03/2021 21:17

Yes, enjoy your life, but they've lived above their very substantial means really.
How have her parents lived above their means by choosing to retire early and live the rest of their life on their own money?

I wouldn't have made the same choice as OP's parents, but it seems like you're confusing 'living beyond their means' with 'choosing to use their money to fund the lifestyle they want instead of giving more money to their adult child who earns £50k a year, had their own property and a portfolio of property as along term investment'

Fr0thandBubble · 06/03/2021 21:18

I 100% agree. As a minimum, you should be giving to your children the equivalent of what they gave to you. MIL (who is very well off) gave DH the third of the cost of our house. However, her parents gave her enough to pay for 100% of a house (a nicer house than ours), plus a trust fund for her children's education (and more). She lords it over us like she's been sooo generous, but in real terms she's been anything but.

In my view, if you've been given anything by your parents, you should make sure you give at least the same to your children (in real terms), before you start living the high life (like MIL does).

Flatoutonsofa · 06/03/2021 21:23

Wow, you had the deposit for a flat given to you when you were a student, you earn a bit under £50k (I'm a qualified professional, post grad quals and I don't earn that much), your parents paid for a private education (irrelevant that you disliked it) and they have a house worth about a million. Btw, if nothing is left, how are they paying for the Maldives? You don't know how fortunate you are. They had a windfall and enjoyed it. Good for them. You'll get something from the house. Maybe do the lottery to be in with a chance of a windfall.

gottakeeponmovin · 06/03/2021 21:25

Yes you are a granny cow. With a private schools education it was your responsibility to make the most of your opportunities. You chose your bed you need to lie in it. I can't believe people think like this. I would like my parents to spend all their money enjoying themselves even if that leaves me nothing

mintcucumber · 06/03/2021 21:30

I know if my parents came into a couple of million they’d have bought their children property outright. But that’s the kind of people they are, they’re not particularly interested in flash houses, cars, holidays etc.

Grapewrath · 06/03/2021 21:33

I understand how the OP feels however getting a deposit is more than many.
I’m torn as the child of a parent who is incredibly comfortable and was also incredibly unsupportive of my education and neglectful. She got a large inheritance of 200k and has watched me struggle ( have a dd with a disability so limited income) without offering any help, which can be hurtful

BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 06/03/2021 21:34

Mine wouldn't. Token £10 presents for the kids at xmas. I clicked on the thread as thought it mught be similar. But Id so love to swap places with someone with a property portfolio and a £50k a year job!

Fudgemonkeys · 06/03/2021 21:37

You sound like my brother! My parents had to sell their house for care but I'm so glad they had those funds as it enabled them to pick the care home. I don't care if I'm left with nothing but memories my brother does, he's like you, seem to expect it, as a right. It's not

SugarfreeBlitz · 06/03/2021 21:45

Look, 50k is not a small salary! You have no idea what a small salary is and you have no idea what it is not to get a private education, not to get any housing deposit and not to earn anywhere near 50k. It's not your fault you're so priviledged.

If I was a parent who inherited that much (or won the lottery) I couldn't see myself wanting to give up work (I love my work!), however wealthy I was and I do not have a love of foreign travel or cars either. Probably the only thing I could spend on would be property.

If only you could get past the percieved injustice and be happy with your lot, you'd be so much happier. Have you considered counselling?

Wandavision · 06/03/2021 21:52

@Fr0thandBubble I'm a bit confused how you'd expect your MIL to financially generate the 100% of the cash she received off her own DPs, to then give the exact same amount to your husband? Surely if she used most of it to finance her own house and his schooling?.. Well then has that money has already been spent? Aside from the 1/3 of your house that she paid for? I'm confused 🥴

Newkitchen123 · 06/03/2021 21:58

Don't think OP is coming back...

Fr0thandBubble · 06/03/2021 22:30

[quote Wandavision]@Fr0thandBubble I'm a bit confused how you'd expect your MIL to financially generate the 100% of the cash she received off her own DPs, to then give the exact same amount to your husband? Surely if she used most of it to finance her own house and his schooling?.. Well then has that money has already been spent? Aside from the 1/3 of your house that she paid for? I'm confused 🥴[/quote]
By earning it herself! If you’ve been given money by your parents, I don’t think you should be enjoying it (and by that I mean spending it on luxuries like four holidays a year, second homes, etc - which MiL does) until you’ve secured enough to pass on the same amount (in real terms) to your children.