My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

@mrshectic

Thankyou for all your responses. And no I don’t get a penny towards the children, not even help with school clothes or shoes. I pay for everything, including clubs, plus I have to pick them up from his and take them myself or they don’t go. It’s unbelievable really that he has the nerve to call me a bad parent.

Get a claim in now for matainance

"He doesn’t want to see them but he wants the stopping to be your fault. He also wants them to be sad about moving."

I agree with this also.

He is an arsehole who would rather 'make a point' than prioritise his children. Can't believe people are defending him by arguing about how long a bus journey might take.
Even if he isn't working, there are so many ways he could be contributing - such as participating in the home-schooling. He is choosing not to be involved and wants everything to be at his convenience.
This country has a ridiculously tolerant attitude towards men who don't contribute to their children's lives in any meaningful way. It's disgraceful. Non-paying absent fathers are two a penny here; other countries enforce child maintenance payments.

7 miles is nothing. He is a loser and he’s being cruel to his own kids by using this as a way of getting back at you

I feel like I’ve slipped through a crack into an alternative universe. We’ve got a father who doesn’t work, pays absolutely nothing to support his children and is refusing to use a car he has access to in order to collect his kids so he can at least spend some time with them, and posters are getting fixated on whether or not a 7 mile bus trip can actually be done in 15 mins?
Sounds to me like he doesn’t really care whether he sees them or not but is trying to make it so that it’s your fault and not his if he doesn’t.

How old are the DC?

How old are the kids? I would continue to drive them there, but make sure that it is on your terms. If they have school lessons on zoom make sure that they are due to have them on his time. If he doesn't work then take advantage of his free time. Make sure that you have a day free occasionally to "recharge". Look at it as more of an advantage to you, which will give you a better mindset about it all. (Hope that makes sense!)

His sister actually only lives one mile up my road. But again, it’s down to me apparently to be able to go to and from both times so he can have them .

Anyway, regardless of all the sad behaviour and him constantly putting me down and telling the children he can’t see them because of me...I will still have to if they aren’t to be caught in the crossfire. It’s just a very sad state of affairs that I can do nothing about if I don’t want the children to be involved in it.

Do you get on with granny

Can you drop them off

And her /he return them in her car

Assume she ways to see grandkids as well

When you say you are concerned about the children missing out. What are you actually concerned about?

If someone like this not willing to make effort to see his children, I sure as heck wouldn’t be facilitating

I would leave it up to him. If he wants to see the kids he comes and gets them.

I would also claim for cms. Even if it's a few £ a week it's better in your pocket.

Is he quietly working cash in hand or how is he surviving?

Tell him you'll meet them half way and if they don't turn up within 15 mins take the kids home.

This 'you moved so it's your fault' thing is just bullshit. Are you supposed to be tied to the same exact location as him forever?!! It's not like you've whisked them off the the other side of the country, FFS!

Callmeadoctor, unfortunately he won’t do the zoom lessons or school work with them because he says he can’t and he doesn’t have the space. So again, if I don’t want them falling behind or actually doing their work, then I have to make sure it’s all done whilst they’re with me.

This country has a ridiculously tolerant attitude towards men who don't contribute to their children's lives in any meaningful way

I absolutely agree with this. The bar for being 'an acceptable father' is too low. The absolute default starting point for anyone, in a couple and having a child is for each parent to expect to do 50% of the childcare, 50% of the work and contribute 50% of the cost.

Obviously, families might then make a deliberate decision not to follow that, because it benefits everyone to have a different arrangement, - but it's the only fair starting point.

Op he sounds like a useless prick and this is a power play. I'd tell him in order to be reasonable you are happy to do 50/50 so you'll either collect or drop off. If he says no, just be honest with the kids, tell them he is welcome to come get them, that you moved for a better life for them and it's not far.
If he actually wants to see his kids he'll cave. If he tries to take it back to court they'll laugh him out.

I just don’t get it
In another thread you are expressing serious concerns re his neglect of the children when with him
Sure you should be rather pleased he is now cutting contact

Thanks again for your thoughts and input on this, I really just needed to ensure that I wasn’t being the arse here. After constant putting down saying it’s my fault, you start to wonder if you are actually bu.

will still have to if they aren’t to be caught in the crossfire. It’s just a very sad state of affairs that I can do nothing about if I don’t want the children to be involved in it

They are already involved with it, he's lying to them...don't let him get away with it.,

Ok well if it genuinely is only 15 minutes then why don’t you just continue to drive? I don’t even take my kids on the bus anymore given the situation at the moment surely it’s safer for you to drive them? Do you really want them on public transport at the moment if it can be avoided?

Normally I would say the parent that moves drops off and collect the kids but it’s only 7 miles so not far. If it’s court ordered he collects the kids and you have decided too move I would be suggesting one parent drops off and one collects them. This is too ensure you are being reasonable. However 7 miles is nothing we’re I live due too much quieter roads so would take minutes in London it might be a time consuming journey.

If think he is actually correct @mrshectic

Chewingle yes I do have concerns. But the only thing I can do is report my concerns to have it logged. I’ve tried everything I can but after 8 years I’ve realised the system is broken. I do everything I am meant to and kept records. It’s all I can do.

Let's be honest - the dad who hasn't worked for many years and doesn't support financially or emotionally/with homeschooling will only parent if "presented" with his children, who are then collected again from him. At mums cost and inconvenience.

Outside of cities, 7 miles is no distance whatsoever, up where I am its basically the distance between us and the next small town, and its 15-18 mins by bus as my daughter used to do the trip regularly to see friends. You've not moved county fgs and it benefited them by getting them their own rooms.

If the court order says he has to collect, then I'd personally only go as far as saying I'll split the travel with you - you collect as per court order and I will come and fetch them back. And that's being generous. That way if he doesn't collect it doesn't cost you anything.

Your kids will see him for who he is as they get older. I agree with an above poster, the bar is set so low for non resident parents in this country that its a joke.

@mrshectic

Chewingle yes I do have concerns. But the only thing I can do is report my concerns to have it logged. I’ve tried everything I can but after 8 years I’ve realised the system is broken. I do everything I am meant to and kept records. It’s all I can do.

Ok bit doesn’t explain why so keen to facilitate contact

@Givemeabreak88

Ok well if it genuinely is only 15 minutes then why don’t you just continue to drive? I don’t even take my kids on the bus anymore given the situation at the moment surely it’s safer for you to drive them? Do you really want them on public transport at the moment if it can be avoided?

Why can't he drive, using his mum's car? OP already homeschools, works, runs them back to school and clubs in normal times. He does nothing for their welfare. I'm pretty sure it is the absolute least he could be doing.