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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My exH refusing to collect children

341 replies

mrshectic · 04/03/2021 09:40

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

OP posts:
User26272829 · 04/03/2021 10:32

Stick to your guns OP. If he wants a relationship with his kids, he’ll make the effort. This is not your responsibility

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2021 10:33

Was the court order in place before you moved?

Givemeabreak88 · 04/03/2021 10:33

I’m guessing there is a reason why he can’t/doesn’t want to use the car, who knows, I’m only picking up on the “15 minutes by bus” comment as car drivers don’t tend to have any idea how long it actually takes on the bus and 7 miles here would be 52 minutes.

MimiDaisy11 · 04/03/2021 10:33

If he doesn't work, doesn't home school the children and doesn't pay much or at all for them then asking him to drive a little extra is really nothing.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 10:34

I agree with him. So many times on here the man has moved away and the advice been it’s his responsibility to travel as he moved away

You agree with him? The man who doesn't work, doesn't pay anything for his children, doesn't homeschool them, provides nothing, and now won't even collect his own children, because OP moved them 7MILES away?
I wouldn't be admitting to identifying with such a dickhead.

It's 7 miles. He can fucking walk it. It's not like he has anything better to do. Loser

Missbirdyy · 04/03/2021 10:34

I would suggest to him that you share the responsibility of driving. If he refuses then do not send the kids. He will soon change his tune. If he’s not working and you are, why is he not more involved in the home schooling?

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 10:34

@Givemeabreak88

Well I’m guessing op has probably never travelled there by bus so is assuming it’s the same distance as a car? Like I said I’ve checked how long a 7 mile bus trip would take from where I am and it says 52 minutes, so that’s 2 hours on the bus an hour there to collect them and an hour to bring them back to his! I find it hard to believe it’s 15 minutes and the op is probably basing that on how long it is to drive.
It depends where OP lives though. You are in London which obviously takes a lot longer than other places due to loads more stops, traffic, one way systems etc. A 7 mile journey in London is a long journey.

But I am just outside London and 7 miles literally does take me 15 minutes to drive. Eg. My parents' house is 5.2 miles from me and takes me 9 minutes to get there.

I appreciate any bus journey is a pain but OP has already said he usually uses his mum's car to collect the children.

horizondawn02 · 04/03/2021 10:34

7 miles isn’t even like you’re moving away, I can move 7 miles and it’s only halfway across town 😂 it’s nothing. Did he expect you be limited to a 1 mile radius of where you lived or something? No wonder he doesn’t have a job if he thinks travelling 7 miles is far

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 10:34

I’m sorry but there is no way a 7 mile trip is 15 minutes on the bus! That’s laughable, if I compare it to where I am in London a 7 mile bus trip would take almost an hour so no I don’t believe that it’s a 15 minute bus ride

It is where I live. Hmm

GladysTheGroovyMule · 04/03/2021 10:35

The bus is a red herring as he has access to a car and is simply choosing not to.

HermioneKipper · 04/03/2021 10:36

Have people read that he pays no child maintenance or contribute anything to his children, doesn’t work but still hasn’t assisted with home schooling and still expect the OP to do all the running around? Ridiculous, what a useless excuse for a father.

Maybe worth dropping them OP just so that you get a break and the children get a relationship with him as I doubt he’ll do the reasonable thing but you are absolutely in the right and he should be so doing the drop offs/pick ups at the very least. What a complete knob

User26272829 · 04/03/2021 10:37

My ex tried this with me and I point blank refused. I was already doing the majority of the running around and the least he could do was the drop off/pick ups at the weekend. He also tried to get the kids involved but I didn’t engage with it all and he stopped asking. Still sees them so it was just a power play.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 04/03/2021 10:37

Refuse.

When he won’t see the children take him back to court.

He sounds like a first class tosser, OP, your poor kids.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 04/03/2021 10:37

@AtSwimTwoBerts

I agree with him. So many times on here the man has moved away and the advice been it’s his responsibility to travel as he moved away

You agree with him? The man who doesn't work, doesn't pay anything for his children, doesn't homeschool them, provides nothing, and now won't even collect his own children, because OP moved them 7MILES away?
I wouldn't be admitting to identifying with such a dickhead.

It's 7 miles. He can fucking walk it. It's not like he has anything better to do. Loser

Yep this.
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/03/2021 10:39

I can't believe people are sticking up for him. It's 7 miles, not 70, and he has access to a car. Of course he should make an effort, the OP is doing everything else! If I was feeling generous I'd do pick up or drop off, if he was contributing in any way. Which he isn't!

WeAllHaveWings · 04/03/2021 10:40

Usually if a parent moves away it is their responsibility to get the children to any contact, but moving 7 miles is not moving away.

He has you worried and dancing to his tune thinking your children will miss out. Call his bluff.

If the tells the children it is your fault just correct them matter of factly and say it is only 10 mins in the car and entirely his choice whether to collect them or not.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 04/03/2021 10:41

Surely he could even walk one way and get a bloody taxi back with them if his mum is using the car!

Seven miles would be about £6 where I live.

RandomMess · 04/03/2021 10:42

As it's in the court order and it's only a 15 minute bus journey I'd stop doing it and let him take it back to court.

At least they are back at school soon so he will have to collect them from there.

Horrid for your DC though.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 04/03/2021 10:43

Of course he's an unreasonable cunt but what will happen if you stop taking them? Will he moan and whinge but still come and pick them up, or will he just stop seeing them?

No court can force him to collect them.

Now he sounds like a waste of space who adds nothing to the children's lives, but they probably don't realise it yet. If you driving is what it takes to keep them seeing him then I'd do it - not because you should have to, but because it's best for them. Then you'll have 'clean hands' in a few years when they realise he's not worth seeing.

5zeds · 04/03/2021 10:46

He doesn’t want to see them but he wants the stopping to be your fault. He also wants them to be sad about moving.

Outbutnotoutout · 04/03/2021 10:46

Bloody hell it's 7miles, not 700

He either collects them or doesn't have them!

He could collect them, you go pick them up 🤷‍♀️

TwatWaffleTwinkleToes · 04/03/2021 10:46

He sounds like a dick but, by God, it must be sad for your children to see that 7 miles is too much effort.

While he's playing games of 'who's responsibility is it?' they must be feeling pretty worthless that a sense of righteousness is taking priority over doing what it takes to see them.

kooked · 04/03/2021 10:46

@TheGriffle

I think if you’ve moved further away then yes it is your responsibility to get them to him.

It's 7 miles ffs. It'd take ten minutes in a car. It's a perfectly reasonable distance ffs.

Original poster
mrshectic · 04/03/2021 10:47

Fwiw I actually have done the bus trip with the children, so they know where the bus is if they needed/wanted to get to or from school on the bus in future. It takes 15 minutes.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 04/03/2021 10:48

As far as I am concerned 7 miles is local - you haven't moved area at all. He is being pathetic and just using this as a stick to beat you with

If you wanted to you could just refuse, then it would be up to him to either go back to court, or not see his kids.

So I suppose the real decision for you is, how it would impact on your kids

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