My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

@mrshectic

This is just the thing though, he is supposed to collect them on the court order. He says I’m evil and alienating his children, even though he does have access to a car... he is simply refusing.

Isn’t parental responsibility on both parents to share the pick up and collection?

Oh did not see this before I posted, I think you may have to go back to court to get collections from your new address, I would suggest you drop them off at his, and he does the return journey.

Besides most people said I was bu, so I dropped it and just kept records of what was happening.

There's a post running here at the moment where dad moved 184 miles away and new wife is complaining that he travels once every 6 weeks to see them and how much she's going to struggle for the few hours he's going to take picking them up for contact.

Your ex is also a twat, but it's only 7 miles - a ten minute drive. Do it grudgingly, but on your terms op

I’m guessing there is a reason why he can’t use his mums car, maybe she won’t allow him anymore? He doesn’t have his own car so you can’t just insist he uses someone else’s, it doesn’t work like that, he’s obviously told the op he is unable to. Should he just steal it

Follow the court order. He’s being a petty lazy twat. He doesn’t work so what else has he got to do?! If you give him an inch then he will take 7 miles (you know l mean but l am guessing he does so little already)

if him not collecting tehm is putting you and the children under financial strain... email him and make the children available for collection for contact, stating you can not afford the extra petrol costs at this time without it having a negative impact on the children. ball back in his court and see what he does. are you sure though the costs of taking them are less than the costs of feeding them?

When he won’t see the children take him back to court.

You can't force a dead beat dad to see his children. He has the OP over a barrel.

Op if you had concerns about him having the DC then this is your chance to let it phase out.
My priority would be their safety, not whatever shite he spouts about me to other people.

There's a post running here at the moment where dad moved 184 miles away and new wife is complaining that he travels once every 6 weeks to see them and how much she's going to struggle for the few hours he's going to take picking them up for contact

And I bet there are still women defending her and saying anyone having a pop is a "bitter exwife"! There are some thundering cunts around.

Why are people telling OP to keep driving? She does literally everything else, if she gives in to this there will only be another demand. What next, should she make a sheperds pie for him to feed them while he has them? Pop over and clean his house so its nice for them?

im shocked that he's refusing to collect - his children FFS, how damaging for the kids to know that petrol costs and time are more valuable than they are!

absolute stupidity and bloody mindedness for the sake of 14 more miles.

what will he do if you dont bring them - would he take you back to court?

im still , honestly, you haven't move 20 miles away!

I have nothing helpful to add, but i am so sad for you and your children OP. As someone upthread said, the bar is very low for parental responsibility in this country

YANBU

@TwatWaffleTwinkleToes

This country has a ridiculously tolerant attitude towards men who don't contribute to their children's lives in any meaningful way

I absolutely agree with this. The bar for being 'an acceptable father' is too low. The absolute default starting point for anyone, in a couple and having a child is for each parent to expect to do 50% of the childcare, 50% of the work and contribute 50% of the cost.

Obviously, families might then make a deliberate decision not to follow that, because it benefits everyone to have a different arrangement, - but it's the only fair starting point.

Absolutely. One of my pet hates is “well at least he pays maintenance!” Said in a way like that somehow makes him an excellent father and those who receive it should be grateful and thank him profusely. I’m talking about the ones who pay the CMS minimum not the NRP who pay a lot more than that, and towards school trips, uniforms etc by the way. My ex will routinely email me to tell me when he’s paid some menial amount in child support. I make a point to never thank him. Because it’s the bare fucking minimum he should be doing as a parent. A bit like how I don’t expect my children to thank me for being their mum and doing mum stuff for them.

maybe go back to court for clarfication on who does what regarding pick ups

hes being petty but sounds like he has always been like this

also claim from cms even if its only a fiver

My ex moved 60 miles away and I still do half the travel for his contact. He is being a pathetic arse. I would drop them off and he refuse to pick them up, he can do it.

Another total loser - but they certainly have their fans as you'll see on this thread! Women falling over themselves to say how mean and horrid the op is.

Tell him to fuck off. You make the children available to him at your agreed times and he is welcome to get them himself then. It's not your fault if a friend man doesn't have a car

Alternatively, if your relationship was good, I'd suggest doing one drop off a week. But you don't need to do this and a court would not enforce this incidentally.

He can’t be bothered to do the short drive

You have expressed serious concerns in the past about his neglect of the children when with him

He lies to the children

For the third time - what will they be missing out on and why are you keen to facilitate ?!

having read your updates, i would just email him that they are available for collection as per court order.

he can take you back to court if he has an issue with it.

I dont think it should be up to you because you moved. You moved 7 miles away not 70!

He sounds like a right lazy bastard! I suppose how you deal with this will depend on how much you want/need him to have the kids?

Take him to court again ...

@GabsAlot

maybe go back to court for clarfication on who does what regarding pick ups

hes being petty but sounds like he has always been like this

also claim from cms even if its only a fiver

The advice to “go back to court” Is generally from people who have not had experience with the system

It is generally very costly to “go back to court”, and time consuming.

Take him to court again ...

What for? Why spend all that time and money, he's not follwoing the court order now, what do you think will happen?

You moved 7 miles not 70, tell him he either collects them or doesn't see them. Is access court ordered if so refer it back to court to enforce his collection of the children

Chewingle, tbh I am not sure why I want to facilitate. I am just trying to do what’s right in the eyes of the courts and the law, and what’s morally right...although the two things don’t often go hand in hand.

Why just drop them once a fortnight or month they still maintain a relationship but spending less time with him sounds actually in their best interests.

How old are they?

Agree about the “go back to court” line- it’s expensive and can take a lot of energy from you mentally and emotionally. For that reason I would say that the children will be available for contact on his day for him to collect them, and that I would collect them from him when it’s time for them to come home. He could take you back to court but in my experience if he did the judge will be annoyed with him about that for good reason. Also he’s got no money and apparently can’t be arsed to do anything for the children so who bloody knows if he’d bother?

7 miles is not moving away. Does it give you respite when they go op? If not, I’d cut down on taking them, if he wants to see them he can drive. If it does, I’d consider telling him you aren’t picking them up once a week or fortnight. It sounds like he would make the effort to return them! I’d tell him and them in advance.